Older child adoption has give me more joy, more sadness, more fulfillment, more stress and more gray hairs than anything else in my life. We recently passed our five year adoption mark (we adopted three siblings) and sometimes it feels like five days, while other times it feels like five million years.

The Good:
My youngest child is now ten and we adopted her at the age of five. Lucky for her, and for us, she was removed from an abusive biological mother at the age of nine months and spent the next four years in the homes of two different loving and wonderful foster parents. She attached to them, gave love and received love in return. When we adopted her, transferring that attachment and love to us was quite an easy process and it has grown into something that I hold close to my heart.

My middle child Shawna is now thirteen and we adopted her at the age of eight. She came to us full of control and anger issues. There were times I wondered if we would ever reach that hurt little girl I knew was trapped inside a bossy and mean child’s body. She had been hurt for the first several years of her life, first by her biological mother, then by her first foster family and then again by two families that promised to adopt her but never did. By the time we came along, she was going to do everything she could to hurt us before we hurt her. So what’s so good about it? It took about two and a half years to break down the walls she had built up but after a lot (A LOT) of hard work, she/we did it. It took a lot of persistence and dedication on my part but for her, it took trust…and that didn’t come easy. Today, she’s a thirteen year old girl that anybody would be lucky to have for a daughter…but you can’t have her-she’s all mine.

The Bad:
Shawna brought a lot of stress into our lives in those first few years. Some of it we were prepared for and while I was patting myself on the back for being able to stay one step ahead of her, she pulled the rug out from under me and I never saw it coming. That incident marked a beginning and an end for us. It was the beginning of Shawna being aware of the damage she was doing to herself and her family and wanting to do better. It was the end of a lot of destructive behavior from her. That was the last major incident we’ve had with her-it was like she wanted to go out with a bang.

But it wasn’t to end. My son made sure he picked up the slack. (We adopted him at the age of eleven and he’s now sixteen). Diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, being borderline intellectually functioning, highly passive aggressive and having deep rooted and unresolved emotional trauma makes for a roller coaster of a life. He still has the same diagnosis that he did when we adopted him and he’s made very little progress. As he gets older, the symptoms of those issues becomes more apparent and harder to handle.

The Hungry:
Ah….food issues. What family of adopted older children doesn’t have ‘em? Our food issues came mostly from my middle child although tomatoes will send my oldest into a meltdown. I still haven’t been able to find out why and I doubt I ever will. With my middle child, food was an issue from day one. She used food in two ways; to gain control and for comfort. It took me being able to recognize the triggers, giving her other things to replace the food with, showing her how to problem solve and guiding her through a healthy control over what she ate. All the while, trying not to make a big deal of it.

The Grateful Dead have a song called Truckin’ and there’s a part of the sing that goes;

Sometimes the lights all shinin on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
what a long, strange trip its been

If ever there was a phrase that I would use to describe the last five years, that would be it.

PS: For those who don’t know-the title of this post is a play on the name of a movie, “The Good The Bad and The Ugly”.

Related posts

• Wendy’s Raised Over $1 Million for Adoption (2)
• Urge Senate To Reauthorize Adoption Incentive Program (0)
• Treat Dad To Frosty And Help Children In Foster Care (1)
• Thoughts on Transracial Adoption (1)
• Things To Think About Before Adopting A Sibling Group (2)

My oldest child (adopted at 11 years old in 2003) struggles with severe emotional issues. He was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder while still in foster care and his inability to control his anger is leading him down a path that concerns me. When we adopted him, we knew he had issues to deal with and we have done more to help him than we even thought we had in us. I’ll write more about RAD in another post but for now I want to share something a friend e-mailed me a while back. I don’t know a lot about the author except that it was written to his therapist and that he shared it to help parents of children with RAD. I think it’s such an important reminder to parents of hurting children that it’s not about us and even though it’s hard, we can not take it personally.

A Bag of Rocks:

When you carry a bag of rocks around, day in and day out, you will inevitably become tired. No matter how far you walk, how hard you work, how much you try, you are still tired. Even sleep is ineffective, because you are sleeping with your bag of rocks, and when you wake in the morning you continue throughout the day carrying the bag of rocks.

Some people would ask, “Why not just let go of the bag of rocks? Stop carrying it around with you, just put them down. Can’t you see that would make it easier?” But, you see, I am afraid that if I let go of the rocks there will be nothing left. The rocks are all that I have, all that I have carried with me throughout my life, all that I trust. Certainly, carrying these rocks around makes me tired. But being tired is familiar, and safe. Would you let go of all that you have in the world, if you were not certain that by doing so you would gain more?

And yet (the irony is) we cannot have the certainty of more, until we let go of what we have. As long as I am carrying this bag of rocks, my arms are much too full for me to accept anything else. Even when you offer me a bag of feathers I don’t dare to take it, for how can I trust that the load you are offering me is truly a load of feathers without opening the bag? Others have offered feathers, but given lead. How can I know that the bag you offer is not heavier than my current burden unless I let go of my bag of rocks, freeing my hands to open your bag? And I cannot let go of my bag, for if I put it down it might be taken from me. Or, even worse, I may find that my arms ace far too much for me to pick up the bag again, and then I would have nothing.

Can you understand why I would despair? You ask me to give up all that I believe that I have, all that I believe that I am, and yet I cannot. The fear of having nothing–of being nothing–is far too great. You want me to give up my hatred, my anger, and my pain (but most of all my pain, for the hatred and anger are mere masks for the grief and fear I hold inside). It will make me better, you say. And yet, how can I trust you, without first giving up all that I am holding on to? And how can I give up all that I am holding, if I do not trust you? Can you not see the confusion I am living with, the overwhelming fear that controls my actions? Can you not see why I push you away? Why I cause harm to myself, and to you? Can you not see why I am afraid?

Please understand, I don’t want it to be this way. I do want more, I really do. Perhaps you may have noticied how hard I try, before the despair seems too much to bear, before I give in. If only I could give up these rocks, I would have peace. I would be happy. I want to believe it, but I can’t. So I continue walking, dragging my bag of rocks, and wishing for something I can never have.

I wrote this just over a year ago, as an attempt to explain to my therapist why I was holding on to so many of my destructive behaviors so stubbornly. I finally found the courage to let go of the bag and try something new–and yet at times I still go back to that bag of rocks, because it is so familiar and safe, and the new ways are still uncomfortable and scary. I am considering adding more to this piece–as I no longer feel the hopelessness I ended on a year ago. In the meantime, I hope perhaps the piece can help parents of RADs (reactive attachement disorder) understand why it is so difficult for their children to trust, and why they may fight so hard against what you can clearly see is best for them.

Related posts

• Reactive Attachment Disorder (5)
• Reactive Attachment Disorder (2)
• Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (6)
• Support Adoption And Send A Free E-card For Fathers Day (2)
• National Adoption Day 2008 (0)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick

Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you — the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can’t even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.

It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It’s heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we’re fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it’s thrown in your face. Your heart’s desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

Avoidance — refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress — when certain cues or “triggers” set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks — insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life — detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.

Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:

The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.

Related posts

• Reactive Attachment Disorder in Young Adoptees (6)
• Reactive Attachment Disorder (5)
• National Adoption Month-2008 (0)
• National Adoption Day 2008 (0)
• Children’s Adoption Books (2)

Last year, my 10 year old daughter and I had an interesting conversation.

It started with my husband and I talking with her about how she tries to manipulate & control people. We were basically talking with her about how people want to be treated and that manipulating & controlling people, and situations is not a way to gain trust. So we asked her why she thinks she does it. She thought for a moment and said “I think it’s because I was adopted”. I asked her what she meant (thinking she couldn’t find the right words to use) and she said “Well, kids who were removed from their home and got adopted are supposed to have problems with it, right?”

Although we openly discuss the reason she (and her two siblings) were removed from their birth home, placed in foster care and later adopted by us, I saw that she was confused about her past and she thought all her problems stemmed from being adopted, not from the abuse and neglect that led up to her being adopted.

That night while she slept, I went through all the papework that I have from when we finalized their adoption and I also got some information together on reactive attachment disorder for us to discuss.

The next day, we sat down and talked. I told her about the attachment cycle. This was something we discussed in great detail in our MAPP classes (classes you must take before you can adopt an abused child). The cycle goes like this…the baby has a need (hunger, needs to be changed, illness, etc) they signal that need by crying, their primary caregiver (usually the mother) meets their needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again by the same caregiver, the baby will learn to trust and be able to continue on in their development. On the other hand, if that need is not met, or is met inconsistantly or by different caregivers, that baby learns to not trust and that the world is unsafe. They learn that they cannot depend on adults. They learn that they must be in control of their life for their survival.

As I was talking to her, she said “That’s what happened to us”.

And she was right.

Children with RAD learn to see the world very differently than the rest of us. They learned in those first couple of years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe.

Attachment Disorders range in severity. In fact, the attachment continuum runs from securely attached through degrees of attachment issues all the way to those who suffer from severe attachment disorder. Some children suffer from mild, moderate or severe attachment issues and some from mild, moderate, or severe attachment disorders. For that reason, when you seek out an attachment therapist you’re asked to rate each symptom on a scale of 1-10. This checklist is what we filled out on ‘C’ and ‘S’ (‘J’ shows no signs of RAD. When they were removed from their abusive home, she was placed with loving people that she attached to). They were both formally diagnosed with moderate attachment disorder while still in foster care and that was confirmed again when we sought out the help of an attachment therapist three years ago. ‘C’ was also diagnosed as passive agressive. The time they spent in attachment therapy was worth every penny and every hour we put into it and my parenting of them is a direct result of their disorder.

Regarding the above checklist…
1) All children with RAD have control issues. The key question is, “How extreme or intense is their need to be in control?” These control issues are captured in a number of the 28 symptoms listed in the checklist. The child with RAD is oppositional, argumentative, disobedient or often defiant. They are exceedingly strong-willed and will go to great extremes to be in charge. Their need to control comes from their intense fear that further harm will occur if they are once again as helpless as they were as babies.

2) Most children with RAD have problems with anger. Many will express their anger overtly, having frequent temper tantrums and a short frustration tolerance. A smaller percentage of children will be passive-aggressive and engage in annoying, frustrating, and aggravating behavior. Often this is disguised by a facade of innocence or hidden in socially acceptable behavior. For example, a child with RAD can hug a parent so hard it physically hurts. To a casual observer, it would seem the child’s hug was a loving act. In reality, the child inflicted pain, a hurtful act, within a hug, which is a loving act. This is the hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior or indirect anger.

3) Children with RAD have problems developing a conscience. In the most severe children, their conscience is entirely absent. They have no remorse, regret, or guilt when they violate their parents’ or other people’s rights. In the milder condition of RAD, the conscience is underdeveloped. A number of the items on the checklist are related to the child having little or no conscience.

4) All unattached children have trust issues. They do not trust their parents and the parents cannot trust their children. The severity of trust issues is directly related to the severity of the RAD condition. A number of the 28 symptoms assess the child’s desire and willingness to live outside their parent’s circle of control by being deceptive and disobedient. This failure to develop a bond of love, trust, and cooperation must be present in order for a child to be accurately diagnosed with RAD.

‘S’ has come a long way but when I notice even the smallest sign of old behaviors, I increase my interactions with her. Time outs, grounding, punishments, etc, does not work with RAD kids. What I do is limit the number of adults she has contact with and the number of outside activites she has and spend more time with her. When I draw her closer to me and to home, I see that she feels safe and that she can feel better about trusting me. Removing her from school was one of the best things I did for her in dealing with her attachment issues.

When she and I I had our talk that day, I showed her court papers she had not seen before. We also looked at the list of multiple placements she had before coming home to us. We talked about how this can effect a young child and how it changed her view of the world. In Gregory Kecks article, he talks about not minimizing the trauma these children went through and that affirming their reality is part of their healing.

‘S’ has overcome large obstacles in her life and I have no doubt that she’ll heal from this trauma.

She’s already on her way.

Related Tags: reactive attachment disorder, attachment disorder, adopting older children, foster care

This post is part of the adoption round-up.

Related posts

• Reactive Attachment Disorder in Young Adoptees (6)
• Reactive Attachment Disorder (2)
• Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (6)
• Wendy’s Raised Over $1 Million for Adoption (2)
• Treat Dad To Frosty And Help Children In Foster Care (1)

My husband, our son ‘C’ and our friends go to Daytona every year for the Rolex race. The friends they go with are my childrens former foster brother (who got adopted soon after them) and his father. ‘C’ always enjoy himself while he’s there. It’s when he comes back that there’s a problem.

The day after we go anywhere, he’s usually very argumentative, short tempered and does a lot of crying. This behvaior is typical for him after we do something out of sync with our routine or he’s in an unfamiliar place or situation.

When he’s like this, he very easily reverts back to his old behaviors and disregards everything he’s learned up to this point. He spent the day after they came home, arguing, pouting, crying and being very disruptive to the rest of us. I told him to stay in the back yard play area, which has the trampoline, playset and the bikes so I could keep an eye on him and make sure he stays away from my younger two. I also like to keep him near the physical stuff when he’s like this so he has a way to work it out if he chooses to. He’d much rather wallow in self pity and keep telling himself how bad he is though.

I stayed outside in the back yard for the most part, just cleaning and gardening. He basically ignored me, kept his head down and sulked. After about 10 minutes I saw him leave the play area without permission (which is where I told him to stay) and go inside, where my youngest daughter was. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he wanted to get something. **deep breathe** I asked him if he remembered what I had just told him 10 minutes earlier. He said yes, that I told him to stay in the play area. At this point I want nothing more than to say “Okay, no big deal” and just let him go inside.

But I can’t.

A child with attachment disorder sees the world very different than we do. They learn early on not to trust adults. It doesn’t matter how much love we show him. They believe the only way to stay safe is to push all adults away, especially any adults who try to show them love. Control is the thing that drives them and they use defiance, manipulation, violence to keep you away.

So at this point, I have two choices…walk away and show him that I’m not strong enough to handle him (in his mind, that I can’t take care of him) or finish what I started.

Past experience with ‘C’ has taught me that this stage is where it goes from bad to worse. This is the stage where he has broken doors, chairs and hurt himself.
But, the good news is (yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel!) that I’ve been working with him on moving forward. I’ve been trying to show him that although he didn’t do as I asked him to (which is one of his two rules, the other being respect everyone in the house) the rest of the week doesn’t have to go downhill. That he can, apologise, offer restitution and move forward instead of raging, crying and dragging himself as far down as he can go. That he actually has a choice. It’s been so hard for him to grasp that it doesn’t have to be this way.

So….
Very calmly I remind him that he broke one of his two rules.
Very calmly, he apologised.

So far, so good.

I told him that because he didn’t do as I asked, I wanted him to sweep the cemented area of the front and back yard. At this point, he usually will rage for the next 2-3 days and then sweep. I felt myself basically holding my breath, hoping that all the work we’ve been doing will get him through the next few minutes.

He picked up the broom and went to work.
I went inside and cried.
Sometimes you just have to release it.

Facts about RAD:
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a psychological disorder that occurs during the first two years of life when a child does not attach and bond properly to their primary caregiver. Fundamental processes do not occur resulting in on-going rage, fear of attaching to anyone, lack of trust, an unusual effort to control everything in their lives, a lack of self worth, and an inability to fully comprehend cause and effect.Attachment-disordered children are guided only by what they want at the moment. Their focus is self-centered and there is no concern for how their behavior impacts others. Behavior and attitude is similar to those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

Children with RAD will not love you until they can trust you. They will test you over and over to see if you mean what you say…to prove that you are trustworthy.

RAD behavior is often an effort to feel safe. What they’re trying to do is prove that no one is strong enough to be in control of them. They make efforts over and over to prove that you can’t control them, which then reinforces their fear that no one is strong enough to keep them safe.

Children with RAD either avoid forming personal relationships (the inhibited or unattached type) or they seem overly friendly to everyone, without making any distinctions between their parents and strangers (the uninhibited or indiscriminate type). In both cases, there is no real trust. The children treat other people either as threats to be avoided or as suckers to be fooled and manipulated.

After he swept, we talked about change and choices and moving forward. ‘C’ is just at the very beginning stages of wanting to change. The next 6-12 months will be tough for him, just like last year was for ‘S’.

Changing behaviors and thought processes are never easy but they’re extremely scary for hurt children. They believe that if they get close to someone, something bad will happen, that they will be hurt or possible even die. Their life depends on staying emotionally detached.

In some ways, he’s made a lot of progress, in other ways, he’s made none at all. My goal with him right now to to stop the rages and the explosions. The more I can keep him rational and calm, the better off he is.

One step at a time.

Related Tags: reactive attachment disorder, attachment disorder, adopting older children, foster care

This post is part of the adoption round-up

Related posts

• Reactive Attachment Disorder in Young Adoptees (6)
• Reactive Attachment Disorder (5)
• Reactive Attachment Disorder (2)
• Wendy’s Raised Over $1 Million for Adoption (2)
• Treat Dad To Frosty And Help Children In Foster Care (1)