Written by Linny

If you keep an eye on adoption sites that feature children available for re-adoption, it would seem there are more and more children (adopted as older children), who’s adoptions are being dissolved. (By older child adoption, I’m referring to children 3 years old and up).

Having lived, and parented children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), children who‘s adoptions all failed in some way over time, I can fully understand a family’s plight. Living with children who must be watched 24/7 for fear of harming/killing other children is beyond exhaustive. Over time, it can change a parents’ mindset of ‘what’s normal and what’s not’. It can also make a parent doubt any and all decisions they make. Further, it’s not uncommon for parents of children with RAD to end up divorced; or at least suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

There is seldom any respite for a family raising a difficult child from the foster care system. Very often, there’re a lot of suggestions to help; but no real solid help for the families. The family then lives an isolated and lonely life where even ‘normal’ siblings suffer from the isolation at having a sister or brother who steals everything in sight, lies in the face of reality, or can’t be trusted to be around young children for fear of sexual inappropriateness.

However, some of our adoption forum members have had great experiences with older child adoptions. I’m not making light of the difficulty they’ve had in raising these children to become great kids, and certainly, there’s a huge difference in those children vs other children who’s adoptions are being dissolved or disrupted.

If you considering older child adoption, take heed. There are miracles and there are disasters. Education is key; but there’s more to it as well. I don’t think it’s ‘the gamble that just turned out well’, but more, the successful parents knew or sensed something ‘successful’ when they sought out and found their older children. Call it an internal sixth sense if you will, but something made the parents see a child as being able to bond and grow up successfully, and they did.

When we first saw/met our first-older child for adoption, IMMEDIATELY I felt something was very wrong. I really did. I couldn’t put my finger on it; he was such a funny and cute kid; but I didn’t feel good about fully adopting him; and my husband nd I talked often about ‘whether we should or shouldn’t’. I felt like I loved him; I wanted to love him more, but there was something that just wasn’t ‘right’ here, a type of distance in our relationship I’d never felt or seen before.

That doesn’t speak well for my character, does it, but it’s true. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were very torn as to whether we should proceed with adoption or not. Yet, we and some other family members thought we should, and I agreed, having moments where I thought, “This is going to be just fine; this is great.”.

He turned out to have severe RAD and eventually, wasn‘t able to stay in a traditional home environment. The state foster/adopt department literally lied to us about his past. (We found/have the paperwork to prove incredible fraud.) This type of thing is common, meaning, state foster to adopt departments are often NOT honest about disclosing full information with their ‘more difficult children to place’. It would seem, as some believe, the state adoption departments are more than anxious to put the burden of raising these children on someone else’s shoulders.

Even for the most experienced parent, there are many illnesses than require a lot of outside support. Sadly, most states are reluctant or refuse to give any support other than tell the parents they need to put monitors in place and ‘live with it’. (Very disturbing news for those who live with the threat of sexual abuse or assault.)
(Oddly enough, the state departments would quickly remove any biological child from a family who created the threat of harm, sexual assault or death to any family members. But, when the child is ‘one of theirs’ however, it seems the mindset changes?)

I personally feel no one should adopt our of birth order; and, I would caution anyone who wants to adopt from the system when they’ve already adopted infants, and plan to adopt *more* infants in the future. It should be a serious consideration, because when you adopt an older child from the system, it may also mean you’ll never be able to adopt again if the child’s behaviors are so bad that bringing in a baby would be a dangerous action to do.

Please be careful when wanting to adopt older children. Educate yourself beyond the general classes each state provides for foster to adopt certification. Those classes are usually quite mild, definitely biased, and don’t present a full scope of what living with an older adopted child with moderate to severe issues can be like. Usually, the parent takes the role of a caretaker and counselor more than the role of ‘just being able to enjoy parenting an older child’.

Is this true for every older child adoption?

Certainly not.

But it would be wise to carefully consider each older child on a case by case basis and not rush into any adoption finalization until the child has lived within your home for a very extended amount time.

Adoption disruption statistics
Individual studies throughout the United States are consistent in reporting disruption rates that range from about 10 to 25 percent.

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For all of you who have adopted internationally, what have your experiences been and what should we be looking out for and asking agencies?

Here is one of the she received from a forum member:

We went the international route after becoming severely discouraged and disappointed with the US domestic. But before we made the final decision about choosing another country from which to adopt, we had tried adopting biracial babies domestically. During the time that we were going through these adoptions that eventually failed, we had time to imagine being the parents of a child of a race different from ours. I really do think that was an important part of the process for us. I really think that mind-shift that we went through helped us with our own adjustment period when we did receive our children. By the time we chose Cambodia, we were dedicated to being the parents of a brown child (children). We had already worked out how we would handle reactions to our new family, comments, stares, questions, etc.

I can tell you that adopting a child of a different race, and culture changes your own life in a very profound way, and this is a wonderful thing, but is also something that is wise to be prepared for in advance as much as possible. Your new little child will have a tremendous amount of things to adjust to and it’s important that you be prepared to help with that rather than having to deal with your own adjustments. I hope I am making sense, I am trying to say something to the effect that I’m advising you to make the mental adjustment long before the adoption takes place.

As for choosing a country, agency, etc. It’s all a very personal choice, and sometimes it’s pure serendipity, like it was for us. We started out heading for one place and ended up in another, which was a wonderful thing. So an open mind is also important. I also wanted an infant and my girls were 5 months old when they joined our family. I did have to go through something of a mourning process over the missed time with them. With an international adoption, you will miss some of your child’s first months and moments, and that is the trade-off. It’s important to be at peace with that. I worried so much about all the questions I wouldn’t be able to answer for my girls when they got older, but then I decided that it was more important to establish a trust relationship with them, and be honest, and when I couldn’t answer a question, I would try and help them understand the circumstances of why, rather than be sad about the missing pieces.

In my opinion, I think that mostly it’s important that you are wiling to accept that yours will be a different kind of family and that you can feel very good and proud about that. We impress on our girls that we are grateful for everything that led to our adopting them and that they are the best thing that ever happened to us.

I think it’s important for us, as the adopting parents, to be at peace and completely satisfied with the way our families were formed, because that will influence our children to also be satisfied.

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Knowledge is power, and YOU are in the driver’s seat at this point, not the adoption agencies. Research your state’s adoption laws, and even ask a lawyer in your state who handles family law some questions, such as: How long do birthparents have to change their minds? What rights do birthfathers have? What birthmother expenses might be legally requested of you? Are all parental rights severed with the birthparents, or are any retained by them, such as contact rights (Open Adoption agreements)? How many Post Placement Visits with the caseworker are required by the courts (these can vary depending on the agency, and increase costs to you)? What issues might limit our chances of being approved to adopt, such as health or finances, and who ultimately makes that decision, the courts or the agency? Are adoption facilitators legal in this state? Then, look for a pediatrician. When you find one who you like, make an appointment and ask questions such as: what are the riskiest exposures for an unborn child in terms of recreational drugs, alcohol, smoking, prescription drugs, etc. and also, what the chances are if a birthparent has a mental or physical condition, that that problem could be passed on. Ask the doctor to give you some examples of various conditions that you might want to either avoid or do some soul searching before you accept. Ask if you can call later when you find out what health problems the birth family has.

What if I’m open to children of another race or culture? Why not find out by immersing yourself among people who have these differences from yourselves. Consider being a host family for a minority inner city child for a brief summer stay. Ask other adoptive families how race and/or cultural differences have affected them. There is an important distinction which needs to be addressed here: If the child has a degree of Indian Blood, the situation must be researched by the Bureau of Indian Affairs because an Indian Child by definition must be given consideration by them first.

What if I’ll consider some special needs? Consider attending support groups for individuals with particular handicaps. Go to the elementary school and talk to the special ed department. Ask every special ed teacher that you know personally: what problems are the hardest to deal with, which conditions give you the greatest hope? What can they recommend to you, where can you go to network for support? Ask families who have adopted special needs children. There is a special kind of joy in raising them, at least I personally have found. I adopted a little girl with Autism and global delays from an orphanage and she is the light of my life.

What if I have questions about Open Adoption? Open Adoption is the creation of a triad relationship where the child’s best interests are paramount, and the parental sides share the duties of making the child feel secure and healthy by working together to support the child’s new identity. Expectant mothers considering adoption will choose a preadoptive couple based upon what they want in the way of contact with the infant, throughout childhood. What Open Adoption does not typically do is address specific expectations of the preadoptive parents. Consider discussing your concerns about Open Adoption with an independent psychologist. Ask about theories (I personally prefer Behavioralist) on child rearing, attachment and bonding, motherhood, what a newborn senses, and what an adoptee experiences in terms of loss, abandonment, rejection. Open Adoption has been debated for years despite the many sources which regard it highly. This would be a relationship with another person who has a personal interest in your future child. Become informed before promises are made.

There is a middle ground which offers a degree of privacy and the free flow of non-identifying information, and that is called Semi Open Adoption. This is where the agency acts as intermediary for a number of years while you send about four letters and photos the first year, annually thereafter as a minimum baseline. Then the relationship can grow naturally if it is meant to, or stay as private as you have originally shared.

What if you do not want an Open Adoption at all? Look for adoption professionals who can identify with your point of view enough to present you in the most supportive way possible to expectant mothers considering adoption. Ask them what their experience has been as to qualities birthmothers most look for in a profile. Religious attendance is often one. Explain your values and traditions in your profile. Your profile is where you can present who you are, how you believe, and what matters to you.

What if you’re considering International Adoption? International adoption does not have to be more expensive than domestic. The children tend to be a couple of years older, because it takes a while to get your documents ready (called a dossier), and these children usually have already been waiting in an orphanage. Again, ask your pediatrician about country specific medical/emotional conditions as well as institutional behaviors. Find out what that country’s rules are for who can adopt, how many post placement visits in your home are required (can be different than your agency’s), what the process is and how long it has been taking. Your agency back here at home needs to be licensed to do international adoptions, or you can network with your local agency for doing the homestudy and visits while a larger out-of-state agency helps you with the international details.

What if some of your relatives don’t approve of adoption, have negative opinions about adopted children, or just don’t support your dreams? This can be really sad, but also surprising in the end, because some may come around once they meet the child. You can find literature for them to read, try to chat with them about your dreams, explaining to them how much this would mean to you if you were to become an adoptive parent. Perhaps they could help you shop and decorate the child’s room. Some people just don’t have enough understanding of adoption, and once they have been educated, are much more reasonable. Ultimately though, adoptive families have moved on and away from those who have continued to disapprove or criticize, because their children’s happiness has come first.

What if the price of adoption is prohibitive? They say that if people waited until the right time came for the rites de passage in life, that we would never get around to doing them. The adoptive process will test your faith, but in the end, those people who have persevered will become parents. Some will tell you, myself included, that when the right situation comes along, the doors will open. Moneys, grants, benefits will surface. Your job is to hunt for them, create opportunities, spread the word. Shop around for the best adoption professionals for you, that meet your needs and have your trust, because you’ve researched them beforehand.

My very, very best to you as you begin this exciting journey to parenthood! And yes! It feels just as real, just as normal as any other way to build a family. I am raising both biological and adopted children and every one of their arrivals was miraculous.

Written by Keadie

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The summer before Becca turned six, we moved to a new neighborhood, so that she could have a yard, a playroom, and (eventually) a puppy. A “plus” was that the neighborhood was majority Asian, with the largest proportion of the Asians being Chinese. While Becca had a few close friends and many acquaintances who were adopted from China, like her, she previously had relatively little contact with Chinese children who were living with their biological families.

We quickly discovered that most of the Chinese families knew little about adoption, although the Washington, DC metro area has a very large number of families formed by adoption and, particularly, international adoption. We had to do quite a lot of educating to do!

Some of the families, who harbored negative feelings about the current government in China, did not realize that the U.S. and China had worked wonderfully well together, since about 1992, on adoption matters, and that China had managed to develop one of the best organized and cleanest adoption programs in the world.

Some of these families thought that Becca was from Taiwan, since it was assumed that the U.S. government was friendly to that country and hostile to China. Some of the assumptions about Taiwan, of course, were also made because Becca’s birth city of Xiamen is right across the straits from Taiwan, and many Taiwanese look like, and have relatives from, Xiamen and the surrounding areas of Fujian province. Becca definitely could have been mistaken for Taiwanese, based on appearance alone.

And, of course, some of the families thought that I had smuggled Becca out of China and into the U.S. illegally. Human trafficking is not unknown in China, and many Chinese people can probably tell you about trafficking in young females for slavery or prostitution, as well as about illegal immigration of Chinese adults and children into the U.S. for more positive reasons. Our neighbors were really quite startled when I explained that both China and the U.S. agreed to my adoption, and that it was in full compliance with both U.S. and Chinese adoption laws.

Some of the Chinese families were a bit surprised that a Caucasian person would consider adopting a child of another race and ethnicity. In China, as in many countries, the “blood tie” is considered very important, and some people simply can’t imagine parenting a child who is not biologically related to them.

I also got asked if I was going to tell Becca that she was adopted, which was funny, given that we are of different races, and given that I told her a mini-version of her adoption story on the first night I met her and every night thereafter for the first few years of her life. It was part of our bedtime ritual, and ended with how I “flew all day and all night” to come get her, because “she needed a Mommy and I needed a little girl.”

And, of course, in our new neighborhood, Chinese people didn’t ask, “DOES your child go to Chinese school?” They asked, “WHERE does your child go to Chinese school?” In many Chinese families, preservation of one’s ancestral language and culture is extremely important. The children of even some very assimilated families go to one of several good Chinese schools in the area on either Saturday or Sunday. In a sense, if you are a child, you won’t be considered Chinese if you don’t go to Chinese school.

At that time, I wasn’t sending Becca to Chinese school, because she was already in an immersion Hebrew class; modern Israeli Hebrew, along with Biblical and liturgical Hebrew, was taught for almost 50% of each school day. I felt that her private school was extremely challenging, and that she was already spending more hours on academics than most children. As a result, since she also did not have a strong desire to go to Chinese school until she was in about fifth grade, we chose not to spend our weekends there.

Of course, there was also the woman who offered to help me find a nice Chinese husband, so that my daughter would have a Chinese Daddy! The assumption was that every Chinese child should also have at least one Chinese parent, so that he/she is properly raised.

While I am a single woman (long divorced), and have no objection to remarrying if the right person comes along, I am in no hurry to find someone, of any ancestry. My life was (and still is) very full and happy, with my daughter, my career, and so on. I was also in my 50s when I adopted, and pretty set in my ways, so I figured that it would take a pretty special person to make me willing to negotiate the compromises necessary for a good marriage. I also happen to be Jewish, and would want a marriage partner to share my commitment to having a Jewish home; there just aren’t a lot of Chinese Jews around, though, of course, my daughter is one, by conversion.

Becca quickly became used to the fact that I talked about adoption openly and often, both professionally and personally. I was the head of a well known adoption advocacy organization at the time. She heard me use positive adoption language, and also heard me deal with questions about things like China’s one-child policy and the abandonment of children as a way of making an adoption plan; we often talked about what she heard, after she came to a meeting or Chinese playgroup with me.

So it didn’t really surprise me, one day, when we were taking a walk and a Chinese girl of about Becca’s age yelled across the street to her, “YOU LOOK CHINESE!” Becca calmly yelled back, “WELL, I AM CHINESE!” The child yelled again, “BUT YOUR MOM’S NOT CHINESE!”

At this point, I decided to cross the street with Becca, so that we could continue the conversation with the girl in more normal tones of voice. We explained that I had adopted Becca. The American-born daughter of Chinese parents was horrified, and asked Becca, “But don’t you want to go back to China and live with your Chinese Mommy?” Obviously, she had a Chinese Mommy whom she adored, and thought that EVERYONE should have a Chinese Mommy.

At that point, Becca grabbed me and hugged me, proclaiming, “THIS is my Mommy.” I was so thrilled that she had made this response, that I nearly cried. Becca was a very social child, to the point where I sometimes worried about attachment issued. But there was clearly no need to worry. She knew who her Mommy was, and was very glad to have me, no matter what color I was.

Becca was young then – maybe about six or seven. As someone pointed out in an earlier post, adopted children change their perceptions about adoption, often multiple times, as they grow up.

At seven, Becca would have told you that I was her “real” Mommy. She knew about babies in tummies, used the word “birthmother”, and so on, but she wasn’t able to develop an emotional construct that included feelings about her birthparents. Her birthmother was just a Chinese woman who physically brought her into the world. What mattered was the woman (me) who raised her, read with her, sent her to school, bought her nice clothes, arranged her playdates, gave interesting birthday parties, and more.

A few years later, however, Becca began to see the situation differently. As she said to me, “My birthmother also took care of me for about 9 months after I was born. You didn’t have me in your tummy, but you adopted me and have taken care of me since you met me. So you are a real mother, too.”

Initially, I was a bit shocked and saddened by what Becca said. I felt, somehow, diminished, by being one of two mothers. Yet when I thought about it, I realized that Becca was absolutely right. Her birthmother AND birthfather cannot and should not be treated as unimportant. They conceived a child, whether or not they planned to do so. They gave the child the genetic profile that affects not just his/her appearance, but also his/her personality, health status, and so on – all the things that make him/her unique and special to me.

In Becca’s case, it appears that her birthparents also gave her a lot of love for about 9 months after her birth – she is a very loving and empathic child – and that they probably would not have abandoned her if some very serious situation had not made them unable to continue parenting. I don’t know what that situation was, but my gut feeling is that they grieve and feel guilty, to this day.

Of course, as Becca learned more about human sexuality and headed into the teen years, the pendulum swung back, just a bit. She asked me, “Why didn’t my birthparents just use birth control, if they knew about the one child policy and that they might have to pay huge penalties for having a baby?” Even though she was glad to be alive and in an adoptive family, she admitted that she felt very angry at her birthparents for bringing a child into the world, only to abandon her. She said that every child has the right to be born into a family that wants him/her.

Teens are often very dogmatic people. It’s easy for Becca to say, “Use birth control or have an abortion.” It’s not so easy for her to understand that, in China, some people want a baby so badly that they will try to hide the pregnancy and the newborn from official eyes, and abandon the baby only when it becomes impossible to do otherwise. It’s not so easy for her to understand that condoms can fail – she’s not yet sexually active, thank goodness. It’s not so easy for her to understand that some people oppose abortion because they feel that a fetus is a person from the moment of conception.

It’s not so easy for her to understand, as well, that “stuff happens”. A parent loses a job and can’t support his/her family. A parent has a serious accident that leaves him/her paralyzed and unable to pursue his/her previous occupation or care for a child. An activist parent is incarcerated for his/her political views. A spouse walks out of a marriage, leaving the other parent to raise the children AND pay the bills. A child becomes ill or is born with a medical issue, and the parents cannot afford or obtain the care he/she needs.

But I respect Becca for realizing that the decision to have sex, as well as the decision to have a baby, should not be made lightly or in the heat of passion. I also respect her for realizing that these decisions should be made with a focus on the child that could be created. She is right. Every child SHOULD be born into a family that wants him/her and can care for him/her. The problem is that we are human; we sometimes make bad decisions or mistakes. And adoption is a way of rectifying one type of situation, so that a child – even if not born into a family that wants and can take care of him/her – can be raised in a loving family.

Sharon

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When you think of the books you loved as a child, what images come to your mind? Many of us remember bedtime rituals that included Goodnight, Moon and Pat the Bunny or a Halloween tradition that included The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. If you have strong memories of these or other books, chances are that what you remember most are the warm feelings associated with having a loving caregiver (parent, grandparent, favorite babysitter, etc.) reading those books to you.

As parents, we read aloud to our children for several reasons. Reading to our children promotes literacy. It fosters bonding and attachment by creating those shared memories and experiences that are such a formative part of our upbringing. The choice of books that we read helps teach our children things that we want them to know, such as our family values. And reading to our children provides an opportunity to talk with our children about things that we think are important.

For families formed through adoption, this opportunity to open a dialogue is the best argument for making sure that your home library includes a wide range of adoption books. Books such as Jamie Lee Curtis’s Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born or My Family is Forever by Nancy Carlson introduce adoption concepts in a positive way. When we read these books to our children we are modeling for them both the vocabulary of adoption and the idea that talking about adoption is acceptable and valuable. Other books, such as The Family Book by Todd Parr or Nina Pelligrini’s Families are Different introduce many types of family formations, helping children accept that adoption is just one way in which families might differ from one another.

As parents reading aloud to our children, we can use these books and stories of adoption to elicit our children’s feelings. For example, we might stop at an illustration and comment “When I look at the boy in this picture I feel sad because…” or “I think the girl in this story feels…” Sometimes we might ask our children to respond (e.g. “And what do you think?”) and other times we might let the moment pass. In either case, it’s important for us to reinforce the idea that sharing feelings is a positive and important part of being in a family. If we set the stage for our children to share their feelings with us when they are young, they are much more likely to come to us to share their feelings when they are older, and when those feelings become more complicated.

Books that talk about feelings in general, such as When Sophie Gets Angry…Really Really Angry or In My Heart by Molly Bang or Dave Cutler’s When I Wished I Was Alone are also valuable for adoptive families, although neither talks about adoption. Instead, these books help children understand how to identify and describe some of the feelings they may have. Another good example of this type of book is Jamie Lee Curtis’s book Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods that Make My Day .

Our children will have different feelings about adoption as they grow – sometimes minute by minute! Having a range of books, including children’s adoption books, in your home library and they will help your children process these feelings and understand that these feelings (and the fact that they change) are a normal part of growing up.

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Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, a signature program of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, began in April 2004 with 7 pilot sites and has grown to 120 grantees, operating in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Canada. The Foundation awards grants to local adoption agencies to hire recruiters and execute aggressive child-focused recruitment programs targeted exclusively on placed foster care children in loving, permanent adoptive families.

“We work very hard to raise funds in partnership with Wendy’s restaurants, distribute them effectively and hold our grantees accountable to achieve our mission of a family for every child,” said the Foundation’s executive director, Rita Soronen. “The investment in our Wendy’s Wonderful Kids program has resulted in the creation of an effective, replicable model to find families for the victims of child abuse and neglect who have been waiting the longest in U.S. foster care. To date, more than 1,000 children have been adopted as a result of the program.”

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a nonprofit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 150,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created in 1992 by Wendy’s founder, Dave Thomas, who was adopted as a child, the Foundation works to fulfill its mission by implementing result-driven national signature programs, awareness initiatives and advocacy efforts. The Foundation is driven by the vision that every child needs a permanent home and a loving family. To learn more, call 1-800-ASK-DTFA or visit www.DaveThomasFoundationforAdoption.org.

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Adopting older children is not for the faint of heart. I have three children that we adopted at the ages of 5, 8 & 11 and if anything, it’s never boring. Linny, the co-administrator at our adoption forums compiled a list of honest, informative questions to ask before you adopt an older child through the foster care system.

“My dh and I have adopted seven children to date. However, our ‘forever family’…has not followed what we are usually taught in adoption circles in terms of ‘forever’. Because of this, I compiled a list of questions I feel are vital in trying to determine if adopting an older child is a good idea for you and your family. We have gone through terrible roads with our children who were adopted as older children….and would never do it again. I think had we had this kind of info in the beginning, we would have thought twice about our placements.

In addition to the list, I would also like to add that we could never recommend ‘mixing’ infant adoptions with older child adoptions. For our family, this has been disasterous, to say the least. Rather, I think that older child adoptions have the greatest chance for success, when the family has ONLY adopted in this way, and realizes the continued baggage these children may/will/do bring with them”. Having adopted three older children through foster myself, I know that her list is an invaluable tool to anyone who may be considering it. Older child adoption is not for the faint of heart and it’s something you must go into with your eyes open.

1. What is the number of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually folks are uneasy to disclose the ‘why’….but I’d really try to find out!)

2. Permission (and I’ve done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This info can prove to be INVALUABLE…and most foster parents will gladly provide info as to the ‘why’)

3. “Why” didn’t past foster parents adopt this child?

4. At what age was the child ‘removed from the biological home’..what type of pre-natal care (especially drug use, etc), what’s the situation with any siblings (adoption, prenatal drug use, residential care, etc.?)

5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW….and what types has the child been on previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what type of professional (psychiatrist, psychologist, or your ‘mental health counselor’ who suspects something?)

6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and ‘why’? Try to get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a ‘no-no’…but we’ve been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic pre-disposition.)

7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance they’ll be a problem?

8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you’d like the paperwork!

9. What’s this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her biological family?

10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child forced into being the ‘parent’ because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child have to take care of younger, older sibs?

11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well? (And I don’t care how old the child is….this may still be a problem.)

12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachmentdisorder)…or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has ‘the system’ helped this child deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)

13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?

14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long since the last time?

15. And…one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF: “If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/herbehaviors ‘just as they are, NOW’……as if there would be NO improvement, etc. I think this is important, as classes continually say that ‘this child just needs some loveand attention and permanancy, and you’ll see how much improvement this child will make!!!” This DOESN’T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on special needs children.

Use this list if you are in the process of adopting an older child/ren through foster care. Remember, not asking questions, won’t make the issues they struggle with go away. We adopted three children at the age of five, eight and eleven. My oldest is facing a residential facility because he can not function within a family, my middle child has overcome a lot of her issues with help from us and therapy and still has a long road in front of her and my youngest is a very happy and emotionally healthy child.

One of the moderators at Forever Parents had this to add:
My advise would be to realize that love alone does not cure all. It takes love, perserverence, crying, yelling, laughing, patience, uderstanding, knowledge, strength beyond your wildest dreams. You can never imagine what you are getting yourself into. Seek out others who have done what you are doing. Normal parenting techniques will not work, and don’t listen to ‘oh, my child does that’ from parents who do not have attachment disordered children. Do this from the start. Expect to never be loved by your child, hope that you will be. Expect their uncaring attitude never to change, hope that it will. Expect and be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. The best may never happen though, so don’t put all your effort into the hoping. It’s OK if it doesn’t, some children may never heal, the damage was done by someone else, not you. Don’t think you’ve failed them, or that your efforts were in vain. You can make a huge impact, and only see a small change, but you’ve done something no one else has, you’ve provided safety and stability.
Our older child adoption has been a success story. It has not been easy, far from it. Our son is resiliant, not all children have that. We have all been very fortunate. At 11 years old I am happy to say he is a normal pre-teen (not that that’s always easy either, lol), he has become ‘respectful, responsible and fun to be around’. I am very proud of him, and I enjoy the relationship we have. A true connection, a true mother son relationship. He is a great young man, my wonderful son”.

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A Bag of Rocks:

When you carry a bag of rocks around, day in and day out, you will inevitably become tired. No matter how far you walk, how hard you work, how much you try, you are still tired. Even sleep is ineffective, because you are sleeping with your bag of rocks, and when you wake in the morning you continue throughout the day carrying the bag of rocks.

Some people would ask, “Why not just let go of the bag of rocks? Stop carrying it around with you, just put them down. Can’t you see that would make it easier?” But, you see, I am afraid that if I let go of the rocks there will be nothing left. The rocks are all that I have, all that I have carried with me throughout my life, all that I trust. Certainly, carrying these rocks around makes me tired. But being tired is familiar, and safe. Would you let go of all that you have in the world, if you were not certain that by doing so you would gain more?

And yet (the irony is) we cannot have the certainty of more, until we let go of what we have. As long as I am carrying this bag of rocks, my arms are much too full for me to accept anything else. Even when you offer me a bag of feathers I don’t dare to take it, for how can I trust that the load you are offering me is truly a load of feathers without opening the bag? Others have offered feathers, but given lead. How can I know that the bag you offer is not heavier than my current burden unless I let go of my bag of rocks, freeing my hands to open your bag? And I cannot let go of my bag, for if I put it down it might be taken from me. Or, even worse, I may find that my arms ace far too much for me to pick up the bag again, and then I would have nothing.

Can you understand why I would despair? You ask me to give up all that I believe that I have, all that I believe that I am, and yet I cannot. The fear of having nothing–of being nothing–is far too great. You want me to give up my hatred, my anger, and my pain (but most of all my pain, for the hatred and anger are mere masks for the grief and fear I hold inside). It will make me better, you say. And yet, how can I trust you, without first giving up all that I am holding on to? And how can I give up all that I am holding, if I do not trust you? Can you not see the confusion I am living with, the overwhelming fear that controls my actions? Can you not see why I push you away? Why I cause harm to myself, and to you? Can you not see why I am afraid?

Please understand, I don’t want it to be this way. I do want more, I really do. Perhaps you may have noticied how hard I try, before the despair seems too much to bear, before I give in. If only I could give up these rocks, I would have peace. I would be happy. I want to believe it, but I can’t. So I continue walking, dragging my bag of rocks, and wishing for something I can never have.

I wrote this just over a year ago, as an attempt to explain to my therapist why I was holding on to so many of my destructive behaviors so stubbornly. I finally found the courage to let go of the bag and try something new–and yet at times I still go back to that bag of rocks, because it is so familiar and safe, and the new ways are still uncomfortable and scary. I am considering adding more to this piece–as I no longer feel the hopelessness I ended on a year ago. In the meantime, I hope perhaps the piece can help parents of RADs (reactive attachement disorder) understand why it is so difficult for their children to trust, and why they may fight so hard against what you can clearly see is best for them.

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Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you — the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can’t even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.

It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It’s heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we’re fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it’s thrown in your face. Your heart’s desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

Avoidance — refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress — when certain cues or “triggers” set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks — insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life — detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.

Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:

The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.

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It started with my husband and I talking with her about how she tries to manipulate & control people. We were basically talking with her about how people want to be treated and that manipulating & controlling people, and situations is not a way to gain trust. So we asked her why she thinks she does it. She thought for a moment and said “I think it’s because I was adopted”. I asked her what she meant (thinking she couldn’t find the right words to use) and she said “Well, kids who were removed from their home and got adopted are supposed to have problems with it, right?”

Although we openly discuss the reason she (and her two siblings) were removed from their birth home, placed in foster care and later adopted by us, I saw that she was confused about her past and she thought all her problems stemmed from being adopted, not from the abuse and neglect that led up to her being adopted.

That night while she slept, I went through all the papework that I have from when we finalized their adoption and I also got some information together on reactive attachment disorder for us to discuss.

The next day, we sat down and talked. I told her about the attachment cycle. This was something we discussed in great detail in our MAPP classes (classes you must take before you can adopt an abused child). The cycle goes like this…the baby has a need (hunger, needs to be changed, illness, etc) they signal that need by crying, their primary caregiver (usually the mother) meets their needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again by the same caregiver, the baby will learn to trust and be able to continue on in their development. On the other hand, if that need is not met, or is met inconsistantly or by different caregivers, that baby learns to not trust and that the world is unsafe. They learn that they cannot depend on adults. They learn that they must be in control of their life for their survival.

As I was talking to her, she said “That’s what happened to us”.

And she was right.

Children with RAD learn to see the world very differently than the rest of us. They learned in those first couple of years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe.

Attachment Disorders range in severity. In fact, the attachment continuum runs from securely attached through degrees of attachment issues all the way to those who suffer from severe attachment disorder. Some children suffer from mild, moderate or severe attachment issues and some from mild, moderate, or severe attachment disorders. For that reason, when you seek out an attachment therapist you’re asked to rate each symptom on a scale of 1-10. This checklist is what we filled out on ‘C’ and ‘S’ (‘J’ shows no signs of RAD. When they were removed from their abusive home, she was placed with loving people that she attached to). They were both formally diagnosed with moderate attachment disorder while still in foster care and that was confirmed again when we sought out the help of an attachment therapist three years ago. ‘C’ was also diagnosed as passive agressive. The time they spent in attachment therapy was worth every penny and every hour we put into it and my parenting of them is a direct result of their disorder.

Regarding the above checklist…
1) All children with RAD have control issues. The key question is, “How extreme or intense is their need to be in control?” These control issues are captured in a number of the 28 symptoms listed in the checklist. The child with RAD is oppositional, argumentative, disobedient or often defiant. They are exceedingly strong-willed and will go to great extremes to be in charge. Their need to control comes from their intense fear that further harm will occur if they are once again as helpless as they were as babies.

2) Most children with RAD have problems with anger. Many will express their anger overtly, having frequent temper tantrums and a short frustration tolerance. A smaller percentage of children will be passive-aggressive and engage in annoying, frustrating, and aggravating behavior. Often this is disguised by a facade of innocence or hidden in socially acceptable behavior. For example, a child with RAD can hug a parent so hard it physically hurts. To a casual observer, it would seem the child’s hug was a loving act. In reality, the child inflicted pain, a hurtful act, within a hug, which is a loving act. This is the hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior or indirect anger.

3) Children with RAD have problems developing a conscience. In the most severe children, their conscience is entirely absent. They have no remorse, regret, or guilt when they violate their parents’ or other people’s rights. In the milder condition of RAD, the conscience is underdeveloped. A number of the items on the checklist are related to the child having little or no conscience.

4) All unattached children have trust issues. They do not trust their parents and the parents cannot trust their children. The severity of trust issues is directly related to the severity of the RAD condition. A number of the 28 symptoms assess the child’s desire and willingness to live outside their parent’s circle of control by being deceptive and disobedient. This failure to develop a bond of love, trust, and cooperation must be present in order for a child to be accurately diagnosed with RAD.

‘S’ has come a long way but when I notice even the smallest sign of old behaviors, I increase my interactions with her. Time outs, grounding, punishments, etc, does not work with RAD kids. What I do is limit the number of adults she has contact with and the number of outside activites she has and spend more time with her. When I draw her closer to me and to home, I see that she feels safe and that she can feel better about trusting me. Removing her from school was one of the best things I did for her in dealing with her attachment issues.

When she and I I had our talk that day, I showed her court papers she had not seen before. We also looked at the list of multiple placements she had before coming home to us. We talked about how this can effect a young child and how it changed her view of the world. In Gregory Kecks article, he talks about not minimizing the trauma these children went through and that affirming their reality is part of their healing.

‘S’ has overcome large obstacles in her life and I have no doubt that she’ll heal from this trauma.

She’s already on her way.

Related Tags: reactive attachment disorder, attachment disorder, adopting older children, foster care

This post is part of the adoption round-up.

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