The following was submitted by Beth, one of our blog readers. Leave a comment here if you’d like to share your adoption story also.

We have three children. Our oldest daughter and son were adopted at birth. Our youngest son was adopted right before his tenth birthday. This is a story of both joy and sorrow, excitement and patience, and most importantly, unconditional love.

My husband and I were married in 1965. Like most young couples at that time, we wanted children. We started trying right away. After two years, and no baby, we sought out medical advice. Unlike the medical treatments and techniques available today, in vitro fertilization, hormone therapies, etc., were not available at that time – at least not to us. We both worked, but didn’t have a lot of expendable cash, and we turned to the only thing we knew – adoption.

Even back then, the adoption process was not a quick one. We applied for adoption through the State of Wisconsin, and were subjected to background checks, home visits, and social worker interviews before we would even be considered. But fortunately, we were put on “the list” and began the waiting game. In the fall of 1969, we were told that a baby boy was available for adoption. We were ecstatic! We could hardly wait to see our son and bring him home. But finally, after more waiting, and interviews and home visits galore, we were able to pick up our baby boy. And he was beautiful – perfect, just like we imagined he would be. It’s hard to put into words how much you can love someone so little, how much that little person can make a couple into a family. But he did. There’s nothing that can explain the love and pride you have in your own child – it didn’t matter that we didn’t conceive him, it mattered that he was put in our hands to love and guide for the rest of our lives. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

In the summer of 1971, we were able to experience this joy for the second time. This time, we adopted a baby girl – and now we felt our family was complete. You think you can’t love anyone more than your first child, and then the second comes along and you realize your heart just gets bigger and you can love another child just as much as the first. It took about a year for each of our children to become “officially” ours, meaning, when the court turned over full custody to us.

After some time, we decided to adopt again. However, it had become more difficult at this point. My husband was over 35. Apparently this was some magic number suggesting that he was too old to care for an infant. So once again, we began the adoption process, this time hoping to adopt a toddler or young child. Once again, we were subjected to home visits, only now, the social workers also interviewed our children. I guess they were trying to asses if this would be a good home for a child. It took longer this time. Another thing that was different, is that we had some choice – we were able to read case files on children to see if they would be a good fit for our family. We could “accept” or “reject” them. We finally found a boy that seemed like he would be a good fit for our family – he was nine years old at the time, older than we had hoped.

Unlike with an infant, he had to do home visits with us and he also got to decide if we were a good family for him. I think this took a couple of months. It was different than adopting a baby – when our older son and daughter were placed in our arms, they were ours, totally and completely. This boy knew his other mother and grandparents. At the same time, once we got to know him, we started to fall in love with him, just as we had done with our older children. The process was different, but the end result was the same – after about a year, he became our son legally, and we couldn’t have loved him any more.

Thank you for letting me share.
Beth

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Written by Debbie Schwartz, who is a source of inspiration at our adoption forum and is the Program Coordinator for Adoption Connection at Jewish Family Services of Greenwich in Connecticut.

When you think of the books you loved as a child, what images come to your mind? Many of us remember bedtime rituals that included Goodnight, Moon and Pat the Bunny or a Halloween tradition that included The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. If you have strong memories of these or other books, chances are that what you remember most are the warm feelings associated with having a loving caregiver (parent, grandparent, favorite babysitter, etc.) reading those books to you.

As parents, we read aloud to our children for several reasons. Reading to our children promotes literacy. It fosters bonding and attachment by creating those shared memories and experiences that are such a formative part of our upbringing. The choice of books that we read helps teach our children things that we want them to know, such as our family values. And reading to our children provides an opportunity to talk with our children about things that we think are important.

For families formed through adoption, this opportunity to open a dialogue is the best argument for making sure that your home library includes a wide range of books about adoption. Books such as Jamie Lee Curtis’s Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born or My Family is Forever by Nancy Carlson introduce adoption concepts in a positive way. When we read these books to our children we are modeling for them both the vocabulary of adoption and the idea that talking about adoption is acceptable and valuable. Other books, such as The Family Book by Todd Parr or Nina Pelligrini’s Families are Different introduce many types of family formations, helping children accept that adoption is just one way in which families might differ from one another.

As parents reading aloud to our children, we can use these books and stories of adoption to elicit our children’s feelings. For example, we might stop at an illustration and comment “When I look at the boy in this picture I feel sad because…” or “I think the girl in this story feels…” Sometimes we might ask our children to respond (e.g. “And what do you think?”) and other times we might let the moment pass. In either case, it’s important for us to reinforce the idea that sharing feelings is a positive and important part of being in a family. If we set the stage for our children to share their feelings with us when they are young, they are much more likely to come to us to share their feelings when they are older, and when those feelings become more complicated.

Books that talk about feelings in general, such as When Sophie Gets Angry…Really Really Angry or In My Heart by Molly Bang or Dave Cutler’s When I Wished I Was Alone are also valuable for adoptive families, although neither talks about adoption. Instead, these books help children understand how to identify and describe some of the feelings they may have. Another good example of this type of book is Jamie Lee Curtis’s book Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods that Make My Day .

Our children will have different feelings about adoption as they grow – sometimes minute by minute! Having a range of books in your home library will help your children process these feelings and understand that these feelings (and the fact that they change) are a normal part of growing up.

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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I’m excited to pass along this terrific program to you, made possible by Jockey (yes, the underwear company – lol). They are working with families who adopted through foster care to provide them with post-adoption support such as respite and parent support groups. As you know, we adopted three children though foster care and often gripe on this blog about the lack of services offered to those of us who have adopted foster children.

Here’s some information from their website:

Jockey Being Family (TM) is Jockey’s corporate citizenship initiative dedicated to strengthening adoptive families for successful futures. Jockey launched Jockey Being Family (TM) in 2005. Jockey hopes to lead the charge in raising awareness of the need for expanding the availability of post-adoption services to make a difference in the lives of adoptive families. Adoption is a lifelong journey. Jockey’s goal is to provide support to adoptive families along the road, to help ensure that these adoptive families can truly be “forever families.”

Jockey International is a privately-held, family-owned, Midwest company and our brand values have long reflected a genuine commitment to families. Family and children have always been important to Jockey and adoption is an issue close to the hearts of our employees.

After months of research and careful consideration of issues where Jockey could make a significant impact on American families, we learned that post-adoption services support and resources for parents and children after the adoptions are legally finalized were scarce. Jockey also learned that no corporation was championing this important area of adoption. We realized that this was where Jockey could make the largest, most targeted impact.

We believe that by strengthening adoptive families, we can help ensure permanence for children who are awaiting a “forever family.” As a brand and company, Jockey is committed to satisfying the human need for comfort and we believe that helping families to stay strong is one of the best ways we can express and fulfill this belief.

Our mission is to engage employees in meaningful volunteer activities; raise awareness of the need for post-adoption services; and build recognition of Jockey’s corporate citizenship. Through partnerships we have developed with local and national nonprofit organizations, Jockey provides funding, employee volunteers and in-kind donations to support post-adoption services efforts and help build “forever families.”

You can help support adoption services with the purchase of this adorable bear for only $8.50. For each bear sold, Jockey will donate $3 to various adoption organizations.

I’m going to buy one for each of my kids. You can also try to win one at Dories Diaries

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As a young adoptee, my ten year old daughter (adopted at the age of five) has been faced with the task of explaining adoption from time to time, to her friends. This is a topic she and I have spoken about several times and will continue to discuss as she grows up. I feel very strongly that we, as parents of adopted children, should empower them to be able to answer questions about adoption and educate the people they come in contact with.

This past weekend, she had two sleepovers. She had one friend spend the night on Friday and then a different friend spend the night on Saturday. My older daughter (age 13) also had sleepovers those same nights so we had a full and fun house this weekend!

After her friend left today (Sunday), she and I hung out and rehashed the weekend. One of the things she told me was about an incident that came up Saturday afternoon. It seems she and her friend were playing with her Barbie dolls and they were pretending that their dolls had each adopted a child.

My daughter and her friend each had a mother and a child doll that they were playing with and speaking for. While the “mothers” were having coffee, the “children” were playing. One of the “children” (the doll that belonged to my daughters friend-who is not adopted) told the other “child” (the doll that my daughter was using) that she doesn’t remember her “real” mother.

My daughter told me that she told her friend that she meant her “biological” mother and that her mother that was having coffee was her real mother. She told me that her friend must not have understood because when it came up again, she said the same thing. Again, my daughter corrected her. (Yes, she’s persistent- like her mom!) When it came up again for a third time, she told me she stopped the game so she could explain it to her.

She told her friend that I (meaning me) was her real mother and that she was my real daughter. That when someone adopts a child that child becomes their real child and the parent becomes their real parent.

It must be hard for a child to hear something like that.  My daughter and I are very close and for someone to think (especially a friend of hers) that somebody else is her “real’ mother instead of me, just because she was adopted, must hurt her feelings.

I’m so proud of her for speaking up. I also happy that she told me because I had a chance to discuss it with her and tell her how much I loved her. My real daughter.

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What role does race play in adoption? Not the race of the child, but rather the race of the person or couple who is adopting. Has your race ever been a factor (not necessarily in a negative way either) in your adoption process?

I asked this question at our adoption forums and I’ll open it up to our blog visitors as well. Feel free to answer in a comment here, or on your own blog. If you answer at your blog, let me know in a comment here so I can link to your answer.

Here are the thoughts of three of our adoption forum members;

2: I’ve written in posts before about how our own race (both seemingly Caucasian) was a factor in our adoption journey. Early on……when we first started the adoption process, our race was an issue—and not a good one, as far as we were concerned. In 1979……..going into an adoption agency—the ONLY adoption agency— in Okinawa,Japan, and telling the caseworker conducting our homestudy that we really wanted to adopt a baby who was ‘Black/Okinawan’……was enough to literally make her drop her pen to the floor and say to us:

“YOU would be WILLING to adopt a black child?!?!?!?!?”
“Yes.”, we said.

And to that, the caseworker said that this would have to go in front of their agency board. When we returned several days later for the next interview, she told us:

“We’ve discussed this and concluded that Mr. X (my husband)…..while your complexion is darker; Mrs. X (that was me), you are much to fair complected to adopt a black child.”

So, what did this agency do? They allowed us to adopt—either through Korea, the Philippines, or wait for a baby from Okinawa (which was a very long wait).
We chose Korea; and one of the big factors was because adopting through Korea meant a shorter wait. However, did they really think that Korean baby would look any MORE like US…than any other ‘un-white baby’??? :shrug I don’t understand it any better now, than I did back then. And my husband would say the same.

We had to wait 12 months before we could apply to adopt again. We did. As soon as the one year mark came, we made an appointment with the agency to adopt another baby. We already knew we would want another Asian baby, simply because we felt our first child would feel some sort of bond by having another ‘non-white’ person in the family. We sat with another caseworker to update the home study. Her comment?

“…of course NOW you’ll want a white baby, won’t you???!!!” (grinning with anticipation)
“No, we want to adopt another Asian baby.”

Needless to say, they still didn’t get it.

We were then told we didn’t have enough time left on the island (my husband was Air Force), and would have to extend our stay there because the waiting list was so long. (Frankly, I don’t remember why we didn’t go through Korea again, except that it would take the extended time to do so.) We told the agency we’d think about it. As we left the agency, I told my husband that there just had to be another way. There was. I was finishing my bachelor’s degree while we lived on the island, and through connections there, we actually found our next baby. That’s another story; and a good one at that. :nod

In the end, we flew home on the date we were originally supposed to…without extended time. We left with two babies….one that was 2yrs old; the other that was 8months old. One born in Korea; the other born in Japan. We’ve had other negative scenarios concerning our race and adoption; but I believe these were the worst ones of all.

By the way, we’ve gone on to adopt three more babies. All African American.

3: As an interracial (AA/CC) couple, it seemed to us that adoption was always a very short wait. Even though we are not a young couple (second marriage for both of us), we never waited more than a couple of months for a placement and sometimes weren’t waiting at all, but were called or presented with situations.

Our son’s Caucasian foster parents, who live in Michigan, had a very difficult time with the adoption of their daughter 25 years ago. She has Down Syndrome and is biracial. She was one of many, many infants placed in this outstanding foster home. Because she had a heart condition, they were told she likely would not live through heart surgery. Foster mom fed her with an eye dropper to get her strong enough for surgery, loved and nursed her through two surgeries. When she became healthy, the foster parents decided that, although they had never desired to adopt any of their foster children, they were so bonded with this child, they requested to adopt her. ALL OF THE SUDDEN, the agency said there was a black couple who wanted to adopt her. They virtually DUG UP a family to adopt this child because they were so against interracial adoption. Foster family got the ACLU involved, were on numerous talk shows, created their own alliance against racial preference in adoption, and WON THE CASE. Their daughter is now nearly 24 and doing very well.

Things have come a long way, but I still hear of cases where biases are held by agencies/social workers regarding race in adoption.

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November is National Adoption Month!

November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year’s theme of adopting teens from foster care builds on the Ad Council’s new public service announcement (PSA) campaign of the Children’s Bureau, the Adoption Exchange Association, and The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids.

Here are some ways for you to get involved:
1. Collaborate with other local agencies on an adoption celebration event or recruitment effort.
2. Encourage local media to run public service announcements on adoption.
3. Invite an adopted adult to speak of his or her experiences with prospective foster and adoptive parents.

Here are more National Adoption Month Activities and ways for you to get involved!

Presidential Proclamation for 2008 National Adoption Month

During National Adoption Month, we recognize the compassion of adoptive and foster families as we seek to raise awareness of the need for every child in America to have a safe, loving, and permanent home.

Adopting a child is a great joy and also a great responsibility. Parents are a child’s first teachers, and adoptive families can help children learn character and values, the importance of giving back to their community and country, and the courage to realize their potential. On November 15, caring parents across our Nation will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions and bringing home children in need of a hopeful life.

My Administration is committed to helping young people find the love, stability, and support that a family can provide. We have joined with community and faith-based organizations to raise public awareness of foster children awaiting adoption. With the help of the Congress, we are assisting families in overcoming the financial barriers to adopting children through programs such as the Adoption Incentives Program. In addition, the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids project, which can be found at adoptuskids.org, provides guidance and resources for parents exploring adoption.

During National Adoption Month, we honor adoptive and foster parents who have shown America the depth and kindness of the human heart. Their love and dedication inspire the next generation of Americans to achieve their dreams and demonstrate the true spirit of our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2008 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

GEORGE W. BUSH

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Two adoption articles have been posted at our forums. Please share the link with those who might be interested.

Waiting To Adopt
Open Adoption, Semi-Open Adoption And Closed Adoption

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National Adoption Day is a collective national effort to raise awareness of the 129,000 children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families. For the last eight years, National Adoption Day has made the dreams of thousands of children come true by working with courts, judges, attorneys, adoption professionals, child welfare agencies and advocates to finalize adoptions and find permanent, loving homes for children in foster care.

Celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, more than 300 events are held each year throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt. In total, more than 20,000 children have been adopted from foster care on National Adoption Day. This year, National Adoption Day will be Saturday, November 15, 2008.

Goals of National Adoption Day 2008
• Finalize adoptions from foster care in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico
• Celebrate and honor all families who adopt
• Raise awareness about the 129,000 children in foster care waiting for adoption
• Encourage others to adopt children from foster care
• Build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts, and advocacy organizations
• Communicate availability and need for post-adoptive services

History of National Adoption Day
In just eight years, National Adoption Day has truly grown from nine events in its first year to more than 300 events in 2007, with 4,300 adoptions finalized in 2007 as part of more than 300 events in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

National Adoption Day Sponsors
A coalition of national partners – The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and Freddie Mac Foundation – sponsor National Adoption Day to draw special attention to foster children waiting for permanent families and to celebrate all loving families that adopt.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners
The Alliance for Children’s Rights – The Alliance for Children’s Rights is Los Angeles’ only free legal
services organization devoted solely to helping children living in poverty and foster care. The Alliance’s mission is to ensure children get the support and services they need to become healthy, productive adults. Since 1992, The Alliance has worked together with the Los Angeles Juvenile Court and the Department of Children and Family Services to expedite and increase the number of children adopted from Los Angeles foster care.

Casey Family Services – Casey Family Services is the direct service agency of the Annie E. Casey
Foundation, the nation’s largest private foundation serving fragile U.S. children, families and communities, started by United Parcel Service founder Jim Casey. Casey Family Services has worked with foster and adoptive families for nearly 30 years and is dedicated to helping build better futures for disadvantaged children here in the United States.

Children’s Action Network – Formed in 1990 by leaders in the entertainment industry, the Children’s
Action Network (CAN) is dedicated to improving the lives of America’s children. Through extensive public education campaigns, community-based programs and policy initiatives, CAN uses the power of the entertainment community to increase awareness about children’s issues and make them a top priority in everyday life.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute – The Congressional Coalition on Adoption
Institute (CCAI) is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about children in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes; and to eliminating the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic need of a family. CCAI serves as an informational and educational resource to policymakers as they seek to draft positive adoption legislation and to focusing public attention on the advantages of adoption.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a leading
partner of National Adoption Day, a collaborative national effort to raise awareness of the 129,000
children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families and to celebrate all families who adopt. By drawing attention to the joy of thousands of children who have finally found their “forever families,” the Foundation and its partners hope to encourage even more families to consider adopting a child out of foster care.

Freddie Mac Foundation – Created by Freddie Mac in 1991, the Freddie Mac Foundation is dedicated to making home a place where children and families thrive. As the largest corporate funder in the
Washington, DC metropolitan area, Freddie Mac and the Freddie Mac Foundation have invested more
than $348 million in organizations serving the community.

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My daughters & I recently went out to lunch with my aunt Mary (my mothers sister, with Shawna on the right) and my cousin Maryann (my mothers first cousin, with Jacqueline on the left) to our favorite Chinese buffet. I had to share this picture because I love how everybody looks so happy.

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