In part one, I wrote about our hopeful adoptive couple, Jill and Jon. I mentioned that they have a limited amount of money to spend in their attempt to have a child; and, that those who choose to build their family through pregnancy have little to ‘prove’ in order to show they’re worthy to become parents—-unlike people who choose to adopt a baby/child.

Jill and Jon have already gone through the process of the home study and are now considering different legal avenues to find their child. Whether a couple can go outside of state lines to adopt is up to the requirements of their state. In my own state, couples must undergo the weeks long PRIDE courses put on by DCFS or DCFS affiliates. Once successfully done, the couple can have a foster to adopt license to go across state lines (even if they never plan to foster/adopt through the system). Whether Jill and Jon choose to search for a baby outside or inside their state, their home study will need to be sent BY the conducting (home) agency TO any agency/attorney Jill and Jon want to deal with. Most (if not all) agencies/attorneys will not take a home study copy given to them by the couple wanting to adopt.

Jill and Jon will also have to pay ‘registration fees’ to other agencies/attorneys they‘ll want to work with. In some cases, agencies will allow partial fees or waived fees depending on what type of baby the couple seeks or what their income might be. Sometimes, agencies will allow people to have their ‘home study on file’ in the event a particular situation comes about. In those cases, a bona-fide file isn‘t necessary unless the desired situation arises. If their ideal child DOES come about……certain fees will be expected at the time of placement.

Following are some abbreviated tips to help hopeful adopting people save money, save time and not get caught up in ‘games’ some adoption entities play:

Deal only with agencies who’ll allow you to work with more than one adoption entity. Some agencies/attorneys will only allow you to work with them—and them alone. While they may have been the group who conducted your home study…keep in mind that YOU have paid for the home study. Once your home study is finished, you should be able to have it sent to any agency that will accept it.

YOU can find the agencies/attorneys you want to work with by simply doing some research on your own. While some couples pay others to find an agency to work with; I believe people can find agencies/attorneys on their own. Google in those states you feel you can work with and ask: ‘Adoption agencies/attorneys in XXXX state‘. You can even be more specific: “Adoption agencies/attorneys who specialize in Black American adoptions’….or, Adoption agencies/attorneys who specialize in special needs infants’, etc.

With this, an entire listing will come up. Copy it off and with a notebook, pen and phone, start calling. By asking agencies about their fees, what their specific requirements are, if they force open adoptions with visits, semi-open with 18yrs of letters/photos, or allow freedom of choice for adopting couples and birth family………you’ll know first hand which agency or attorney will suit your needs best. Be sure to keep decent notes on all phone calls. This is important because as you go along, it may be difficult to remember which agency said what, etc. You may find yourself making notes about helpful people and whether they’ll even suit your needs. Some agencies will tell you *they* have many birth moms coming along– and while this may be true—it’s wise to carefully consider whether the agency is giving appropriate counseling to any birthmothers or simply gathering babies for profit through adoption.

Another way to use Google is to inquire about any postings for adoptable situations. There are several; and while some may be situations you‘re not interested in, knowing about the agencies and how much they charge (often listed with the situation) will only help to learn more about agencies in general. Take note of agency websites and what their policies are. Phone them about their requirements. Again, keep detailed notes….and even if the agency isn’t a good fit, you can still learn something about adoption.

Watch out for those who simply want to do business but don’t have a heart for adoption.

When you talk with an agency/attorney‘s office, stay aware of those who truly have a heart for adoption and those who truly have a heart for your hard-earned money! I advise people to stay away from agencies/attorneys who ask for large amounts of money up front (or even in large increments once you sign up). It’s not unusual for adoption entities to ask for initial fees of $200-500 to set up a file and give an initial consultation over the phone or in their office. An agency or attorney who asks for more than this amount (just for signing up) might cause you to re-consider.

Be VERY cautious of agencies/attorneys who promise a quick placement or upcoming scenarios that sound suspicious. For instance, an agency/attorney who counsels with a birthmother about an adoption plan in their sixth month is fine; but talking about an adoption plan with someone in their third week of pregnancy—then asking if you want to match with this person this early– is not good practice by most agency standards.

Consider NOT playing the ‘matching game’.

I advise hopeful adopting couples to only accept babies that are already born, released for adoption and ready to be adopted. This doesn’t mean there isn’t any risk. It DOES mean the birthparents will have signed—or will sign in a short amount of time. In the case of an unknown father, it may mean that he’s being sought through a diligent search. It also means the agency has had time to discuss adoption with the birthparents and the hopeful adoptive couple can have information as to any risks that might be involved. An already born baby can also mean that many specifics pertaining to the health of the baby may have already been noted: Birth challenges, drug or alcohol use, etc.

Many agencies/attorneys will tell you ‘already born babies’ don’t happen. This is untrue. While you may wait longer by not matching pre-birth, you can eliminate a lot of risk by holding out for an already born baby.

Work with agencies who’ll allow the freedom of choice.

Today, too many agencies and attorneys tell hopeful adoptive people that the best way to adopt is to have a fully open adoption involving continued contact with the birth family. If not this, many agencies will insist their clients promise to continue semi-open contact with 18 or more years of letters/photos to the birth family. While this makes for good policy in the eyes of the agency or attorney…..it’s an unfair assumption on their part toward hopeful adoptive people and birth families.

No two adoptions are alike. There are hopeful adopting parents who welcome very open contact with the biological family of their child. Likewise, there are hopeful adopting parents who want a more closed (or even completely closed) adoption with the biological family of their child. And, just like hopeful parents, some birth families want a very open, semi-open or closed adoption for the child they’re releasing for adoption. “Openness” in continued contact should be an individual choice between birth and adopting families and should be stated clearly and honestly prior to the placement of the baby.

Agencies and attorneys deciding for these parties as to what kind of contact will occur in the future– could be seen as controlling and biased. Some states have required written post-adoption agreements that can hold up in court should either party not adhere to what they promised prior to the adoption. For some, this is good; for others, not so much. Be aware of any state requirements before considering a child from that state. Always be honest with any birth family as to what you feel you will or will not allow in terms of openness for your new baby.

These are just a few suggestions for those people starting out on their adoption quest. In my next article, I’ll touch on ways to deal with the waiting times of an adoption journey.

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Thinking About Open Adoption?

“Just adopt.” you’ve heard, as if it’s no big deal.

But it is. It’s common for couples looking into domestic infant adoption to feel daunted by the options and the mazes sprawled before them. Once you get some clarity, the path to parenthood becomes much more doable. Come find out more about open adoption, where we’ll look at:

* 20 questions to ask before you select an agency
* the steps you must take to ensure an ethical adoption (and why this is your concern)
* what exactly IS open adoption
* secrets of a successful open adoption how to minimize the pitfalls that can come up in the adoption process

We’re offering our first class on Wednesday, May 28 from 6:30-8:30 pm in the Central Denver area. The class will be repeated on Saturday morning, August 2 from 9-11 near Lowry, as well as on Saturday morning, October 1.

Register here

sidenote: If you have information on local adoption courses, conferences, programs etc, use the comment button to send it in and I’ll gladly post it here.

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Like most people, when we first started the adoption process we decided what we were and were not comfortable with. It’s very important to continually have these discussions before starting the process. One of the things (there were a few) we weren’t comfortable with was committing to being involved in an open adoption. It’ll be interesting to hear what this generation of adoptees say about open adoption in years to come. Quite a few members of our adoption forum are involved in varying degrees of open adoptions and we asked for their thoughts.

Lori, who runs Best Light Adoption Profile Reviews said;

My experience is a very open adoption with DD, and it’s a very happy one! The b.mom is a family friend, and we love her, trust her, and respect her. And she feels the same about us (at least she says so!). We talk with her a few times a month and see her frequently. The best part is that she and I have a relationship that started with DD but is now about the two of us, too.The situation with DS is also open although his b.mom keeps more of a distance. However, I make sure she knows the door is open to her when she wants contact — we invite her to birthday parties and I email her once in awhile.

Who knows how this will turn out for DD and DS? My hope is that if they know all the adults involved so intimately in their lives love them wholeheartedly, they’ll grow up fine.

Faith had this to say:

We have a semi-open adoption, which has worked well for us. We met the birthmother once while she was pregnant. I wrote our son a letter after meeting her, which is now in our safe deposit box, so I can give it to him whenever he starts asking questions about her. The letter talks about my impressions of her (all good) and contains details that I am sure will fade with the passage of time.We sent her pictures and letters every other month for the first year and then twice a year (at Birthmother’s Day and Christmas) after that. I thought that writing the letters would be hard, but they turned out to be fun. Who other than her would care about some of those baby details and not think that I am just “bragging”?

Having the adoption semi-open was the best of both worlds for us. On the one hand, we have met her, so that removes the “mystery” of who she is and why she decided to place our son for adoption. On the other hand, she is not involved in our day-to-day lives, which removes any fears of trying to co-parent or feeling like there is any sort of “competition.” I am my kid’s mom.

And other member shared their thoughts:

With our youngest, our adoption was meant to be semi open, but his bmother didn’t register with the exchange, so we haven’t seen her or heard from her since the day she placed him in our arms, and left the house without our knowing, I wish that would have been different.
With our oldest we have a fully open adoption. It has been a crazy ride to say the least! Now that he is older, he has not wanted much contact, and truly it has been good for him to see the reality of their lives, he knows, without question, this is where he belongs.

Related Tags: open adoption, adoptive parenting, adoptive parents, adoption

photo credit: © P.Winberg

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An unusual picnic was held today in Montgomery County. Adoptive parents, children and their birth mothers got together for a kind of an extended family get together.

“Every single time I see him I know my choice was right. He has a wonderful family, he’s loved by everyone.” That’s 20-year-old Shannon Abrameck talking about 2 and a half year old Aaron, the little boy she gave up for adoption to Lynn and Noah Langnas of Havertown.

Their reunion is part of the 19th Annual Adoption from the Heart Picnic at Ft. Washington Park in Flourtown. The event brings together birth parents and adoptive families who’ve arranged for “open” adoptions through the non-profit agency based in Wynnewood.

Maxine Chalker from Adoptions from the Heart tells us, “Open adoption is when birth parents that are pregnant select the adoptive family and stay in touch.”

Shannon receives pictures of Aaron and regular updates. His adoptive parents want him to know his birth mother so he won’t have to wonder later.

Aaron’s adoptive father Noah Langnas said, “This way he’s (going to) know from the start that he came from Shannon’s belly and we’re his mom and dad.” And Aaron’s adoptive mother Lynn tells Action News, “He’s not loved just by this family, but by that family and every family. You can never have too many people loving you.”

Open adoption is not for everyone. But the birth mothers here are grateful to be able to see and know the children they gave birth to as they grow up.

Lisa Leonard was visiting with her son Clayton, who was adopted by Denise and Peter Ackroyd. Denise says, “It’s really nice, it’s the one time we get to see Lisa and Clayton gets to know her and just spend time with her.”

Each year almost a thousand people attend this get together. Adoptions from the Heart officials say the fun-filled day celebrates the special people bonded for life through adoption.

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