Adoption Support at Forever Parents » Older Child Adoption

Adoption Advocate Video

Joanne — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 18:02:14 +0000

Taken from the the web page:
“I am an advocate for adopting. I wasn’t adopted and never needed to be, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling for those kids who are in need of it. Many couples and even singles want to adopt, and there are even waiting lists they often have to be on. So why, then, are there orphanages around the country and world full of kids wishing for adoption? If they get passed up as a baby, their chances of adoption become more and more slim. I hope someday to be able to take a chance on adopting an older kid. I wish a lot more could and would”.

Five Things To Remember When You Adopt An Older Child

Joanne — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 16:23:00 +0000

According to 2005 statistics, there are over 500,000 children in foster care, with the average age being ten years old. Adopting older children can be very rewarding but it’s not for the faint of heart. These children will bring you every bad experience they’ve had and dump it right into your unsuspecting lap. I adopted not one, but three older children and I’ve learned a few things along the way.

1) Don’t freak out if you go out for dinner and they eat spaghetti with their hands (even through they 12 years old and know how to use a fork), or they pick their nose (and eat it) when you’re introducing them to your life long friends or wear the same clothes for six days in a row. Take a deep breathe and stay calm. If they know they can shock you, they will. If they think you can’t handle the small issues (yes, those are small), they’ll have a hard time learning to trust you. Stay focused on the big picture. Pick and choose your “battles”.

2) Like the Beatles song goes “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Don’t make the mistake of buying them a lot of things because you’re trying to make up for the things they never had. Start building your bond with them based on trust and respect, not what you can give them. Instead use that money for family day trips and activities, where everyone in the family can participate and create memories. To many times children in foster care are given ‘things’ by well meaning people as a way to make them happy. I believe this sets up a pattern of thinking that material things are the path to happiness. There’s time for that later, after you’ve started bonding with them and those material things are just a bonus, not a replacement for love.

3) Routine, routine, routine. One of the ways you can help them feel safe is to provide routine to their days. They’ll relax more when they know what to expect. Try to keep meal times and betimes consistent. Have a morning and evening routine. Do allow for flexibility though.

4) You will be tested beyond your wildest imagination. As they become adjusted to their new family, they will learn how much they can push and what rules they can break before you get angry. They may try to use this to come between two parents. Most times they are trying to see how long it takes before you “give them back”. This may be especially true if your child has had multiple placements before living with you. Learn to practice deep breathing, yoga or whatever it takes to stay calm.

5) Keep connections with their foster parents and siblings if at all possible. Many foster children move from home to home while in care, deepening any attachment issues they may already face. You can try and break this cycle by keeping as many old connections as possible (except of course with abusive biological family members).

As the parents of three children, all adopted at an older age through foster care, I can tell you from experience that it’s not easy….but I believe these children are worth it.

This post if part of the “Top 5″ group writing project.

Tags: Older Child Adoption, parents of adopted children

The Dissolution Or Disruption Of An Adoption

Joanne — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 03:48:18 +0000

Editors note: This is not a “feel good” topic, but it is the reality for many families. Adoption disruption is not an story to blog about, and it’s never an easy decision to make, but until things change, it will continue to become a reality for more families.

Written by Linny

If you keep an eye on adoption sites that feature children available for re-adoption, it would seem there are more and more children (adopted as older children), who’s adoptions are being dissolved. (By older child adoption, I’m referring to children 3 years old and up).

Having lived, and parented children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), children who‘s adoptions all failed in some way over time, I can fully understand a family’s plight. Living with children who must be watched 24/7 for fear of harming/killing other children is beyond exhaustive. Over time, it can change a parents’ mindset of ‘what’s normal and what’s not’. It can also make a parent doubt any and all decisions they make. Further, it’s not uncommon for parents of children with RAD to end up divorced; or at least suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

There is seldom any respite for a family raising a difficult child from the foster care system. Very often, there’re a lot of suggestions to help; but no real solid help for the families. The family then lives an isolated and lonely life where even ‘normal’ siblings suffer from the isolation at having a sister or brother who steals everything in sight, lies in the face of reality, or can’t be trusted to be around young children for fear of sexual inappropriateness.

However, some of our adoption forum members have had great experiences with older child adoptions. I’m not making light of the difficulty they’ve had in raising these children to become great kids, and certainly, there’s a huge difference in those children vs other children who’s adoptions are being dissolved or disrupted.

If you considering older child adoption, take heed. There are miracles and there are disasters. Education is key; but there’s more to it as well. I don’t think it’s ‘the gamble that just turned out well’, but more, the successful parents knew or sensed something ‘successful’ when they sought out and found their older children. Call it an internal sixth sense if you will, but something made the parents see a child as being able to bond and grow up successfully, and they did.

When we first saw/met our first-older child for adoption, IMMEDIATELY I felt something was very wrong. I really did. I couldn’t put my finger on it; he was such a funny and cute kid; but I didn’t feel good about fully adopting him; and my husband nd I talked often about ‘whether we should or shouldn’t’. I felt like I loved him; I wanted to love him more, but there was something that just wasn’t ‘right’ here, a type of distance in our relationship I’d never felt or seen before.

That doesn’t speak well for my character, does it, but it’s true. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were very torn as to whether we should proceed with adoption or not. Yet, we and some other family members thought we should, and I agreed, having moments where I thought, “This is going to be just fine; this is great.”.

He turned out to have severe RAD and eventually, wasn‘t able to stay in a traditional home environment. The state foster/adopt department literally lied to us about his past. (We found/have the paperwork to prove incredible fraud.) This type of thing is common, meaning, state foster to adopt departments are often NOT honest about disclosing full information with their ‘more difficult children to place’. It would seem, as some believe, the state adoption departments are more than anxious to put the burden of raising these children on someone else’s shoulders.

Even for the most experienced parent, there are many illnesses than require a lot of outside support. Sadly, most states are reluctant or refuse to give any support other than tell the parents they need to put monitors in place and ‘live with it’. (Very disturbing news for those who live with the threat of sexual abuse or assault.)
(Oddly enough, the state departments would quickly remove any biological child from a family who created the threat of harm, sexual assault or death to any family members. But, when the child is ‘one of theirs’ however, it seems the mindset changes?)

I personally feel no one should adopt our of birth order; and, I would caution anyone who wants to adopt from the system when they’ve already adopted infants, and plan to adopt *more* infants in the future. It should be a serious consideration, because when you adopt an older child from the system, it may also mean you’ll never be able to adopt again if the child’s behaviors are so bad that bringing in a baby would be a dangerous action to do.

Please be careful when wanting to adopt older children. Educate yourself beyond the general classes each state provides for foster to adopt certification. Those classes are usually quite mild, definitely biased, and don’t present a full scope of what living with an older adopted child with moderate to severe issues can be like. Usually, the parent takes the role of a caretaker and counselor more than the role of ‘just being able to enjoy parenting an older child’.

Is this true for every older child adoption?

Certainly not.

But it would be wise to carefully consider each older child on a case by case basis and not rush into any adoption finalization until the child has lived within your home for a very extended amount time.

Adoption disruption statistics
Individual studies throughout the United States are consistent in reporting disruption rates that range from about 10 to 25 percent.

Tags: foster care, foster care system, Older Child Adoption, Parenting Tips, post traumatic stress disorder, RAD, reactive attachment disorder, siblings

Adopt US Kids PSA: Forgotten Lunch

Joanne — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 17:26:19 +0000

Adopt US Kids sponsored a wonderful series of adoption videos. Through humor, they show that you don’t have to be perfect to adopt a child that needs a family.

Tags: adoption psa, foster care adoption, Older Child Adoption

Adoption PSA: The Hamster

Joanne — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:41:46 +0000

Adopt Us Kids sponsored a series of PSA’s on adoption. This one is really cute! Glad the hamster was okay!

Tags: foster adoption, Older Child Adoption

Things To Think About Before Adopting A Sibling Group

Joanne — Tue, 31 May 2011 15:22:04 +0000

One of the members at our adoption forums is considering adopting a sibling group of older children. She asked for some advice and I wanted to share her questions, and my answers here for our readers that may have the same questions.

What makes that difference between good and horrible?

With my kids (half bio. siblings), the difference was what age they were removed from their abuser, how many foster homes they were in and how they were treated by their foster families. My kids would make a perfect case study because you can actually document how each of those factors play a role in their lives. J was removed from their abusive home at 9 months, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) and both of those families loved and nurtured her as if she was their own. J is now an emotionally healthy, loving 11 year old who is smart, compassionate and thoughtful. S was removed from her abuser on her 4th birthday, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) but the first family that she lived with treated her like an outsider. C was removed from his abuser at 6 and spent his first year in foster care in four foster homes because he was so angry nobody wanted him. He was never given the opportunity to bond with anyone and that permanently damaged him.

What advice could you offer to me as I assess these children & situations?

Read 15 Questions For An Older Child Adoption on the Forever Parents blog. Linny wrote it a while ago and it’s a very helpful tool in assessing a situation.
Read some of the posts in the Older Child category on the Forever Parents blog. Look in the left sidebar for the category listings.
Read Adopting The Hurt Child by Gergory Keck. You can follow the link and buy it through our adoption shop. In my opinion, this is the most honest book about older child adoption out there and is still on my book shelf. The companion book is Parenting The Hurt Child and is a book I refer to often, even after six years.

What can I know now that will help me better understand the children true abilities/challenges/struggles?

Every child is different. C is still struggling with a lot of the same issues that we dealt with the first year. Nothing I do seems to make a difference, and that is so incredibly frustrating. I have come to the realization that I’ve done all I can and the rest is up to him. S healed from so many of her issues and then BAM…out of no where some of them started to crop back up. I know that kids who have been through abuse and trauma revisit a lot of issues later on, but it’s so hard when I’ve already seen the light at the end of her tunnel with her. Are you prepared for the possibility that they may never 100% heal and that you will become the target of their hurt and anger?

What about you? I’d love to hear from some of our readers. How would you answer her questions, based on your own experiences?

Tags: adoption forum, Adoption Forums, foster care, foster families, foster homes, Older Child Adoption, Parenting Tips, sibling group

Every Child Needs Love

Joanne — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:28:48 +0000

Tags: adopt a child, adopting a child, children in foster care, foster care adoption, Older Child Adoption, Special Needs Adoption, Transracial Adoption

Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights

Joanne — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:47:38 +0000

All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

Tags: Adopted, adoptee, adoptees, adopting a child, adopting children, adoption books, adoption education, adoption message, adoption resource, adoption story, adoption support, adoptive families, adoptive parents, biological mother, birth family, child adoptions, Children, Childrens Adoption Books, closed adoptions, Family, foster care, foster care children, foster care system, foster mother, foster parents, fostering children, Older Child Adoption, parents of adopted children, termination of parental rights

Adoption PSA

Joanne — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:50:51 +0000

Tags: adopting a child, adopting children, Adoption, adoption options, choosing adoption, Gay Adoption, Older Child Adoption, Special Needs Adoption, Transracial Adoption

Enjoy A Frosty This Weekend And Support Adoption

Joanne — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 12:52:33 +0000

This Father’s Day Weekend (June 20-21), Wendy’s is helping consumers treat Dad and help foster children at the same time. Wendy’s third annual Father’s Day Frosty Weekend provides an easy and tasty way to support the cause of foster care adoption and help the more than 129,000 children in the U.S. who are waiting for the love of forever families.

During Father’s Day Weekend, Wendy’s will donate 50¢ from every Frosty product sold to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (DTFA), a national, non-profit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the number of adoptions of foster children in North America. Also customers can stop by Wendy’s and donate to the cause by purchasing a Frosty pin-up for $1 each.

“The Wendy’s system is very proud to be involved with this special event that supports the cause that our founder, Dave Thomas, was most passionate about – finding a permanent and loving home for every child in the foster care system,” said Wendy’s President David Karam, who serves on the board of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

“This is our third year for Father’s Day Frosty Weekend and we’ve set our fundraising goal at $1.7 million! We hope families will find this an enjoyable way to celebrate Father’s Day while making a difference in the lives of foster children.”

After raising more than $1 million in 2007 and over $1.5 million in 2008 during Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, Wendy’s remains committed to supporting the cause of foster care adoption in the U.S.

The money raised during the weekend will support the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and its signature program: Wendy’s Wonderful Kids (WWK). This program is filling a critical need by funding full-time adoption professionals at local agencies in all 50 states to match parents with waiting foster care children.

The success of WWK is due to the ongoing partnership between the DTFA, the Wendy’s system of 6,600 company and franchise operated restaurants and local adoption partners. The Foundation grants funds to qualified adoption organizations, and holds the agencies accountable for achieving agreed-upon results. The Wendy’s system raises more than $7 million annually to fund the local WWK programs.

“We’re very proud of how far the program has come in such a short time. But even with all that’s been achieved, there are still thousands of children in foster care still waiting to be adopted.” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

“We believe Wendy’s Wonderful Kids is the solution, and that the program will become even stronger with the support of Wendy’s customers during Father’s Day Weekend.”

Join Wendy’s in supporting foster care adoption – stop by Wendy’s during Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, June 20-21, for a special treat

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption
The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a non-profit 501(c)3 public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 150,000 children in North America’s foster care systems ready to be adopted. Created by Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas who was adopted as a child, the Foundation leads programs such as Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, which puts adoption recruiters in all 50 states and Canada to find permanent, loving families for children in the foster care system, and Adoption-Friendly Workplace, which encourages employers to offer adoption benefits to their employees. The Foundation also works with adoption advocates and officials to streamline the adoption process and make adoption more affordable for families. As the only Foundation dedicated exclusively to foster care adoption, it is driven by its founder’s simple value: Do what’s best for the child. To learn more about the Foundation’s work, please visit www.DaveThomasFoundationforAdoption.org.

Thank you to the many folks across the nation for buying a frosty and helping children who wait for adoption. Last year’s efforts raised more than $1.5 million!

Tags: Adoption, adoption education, Adoption Events, adoption news, dave thomas foundation for adoption, foster care, Older Child Adoption, Special Needs Adoption, Transracial Adoption

Adoption Support at Forever Parents » Older Child Adoption

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