You should steer clear of planning a surprise celebration on the day the family brings their child home. This can be a very emotional time – the new parents and child (especially if the child is older) will need a period of adjustment. It is very important to be sensitive to their needs. In this case, delivering care packages and planning your celebration for a later date would be acceptable and appreciated. Be sure to talk with the new parents and find out what their wants and needs are before you set a shower date.

Your shower invitations should be sent out three to four weeks in advance, and should include the time, date, and location of the shower. Don’t forget to set an RSVP date with your telephone number and address. If it is at all possible, include the child’s birth date, as well as when he or she was officially adopted or welcomed into the home of his or her new parents. This will help your guests to pick age appropriate gifts. In the case of foreign adoptions, you could also add information about the birth country to inform your guests.

As with other baby showers, the theme for an adoption baby shower should be the same. However, if the child that was adopted is older, you should tailor your party to suit their age and favorite things. For example, a small girl might love everything that involves the Disney princesses and may go absolutely crazy over the color pink. In turn, an older boy may be fascinated by soccer and anything green. Don’t be afraid to be a little creative to help make the party a special celebration to welcome the new child into your circle of family and friends!

Baby shower games are important too! However, stay away from games that are maternity-related. It’s very important that you keep in mind that you are celebrating the gift of adoption. Your games help set the tone of the party, and should be mixed in with any other activity going on. An average shower lasts about two hours, so look at playing two to three party games. If the new parents are adopting an older child, make sure your games reflect that as well. One great adoption party activity is to organize a Welcome Book for the new child. Ask guests to bring pictures of themselves and their families to assemble into a scrapbook page they will create at the shower.

All of your shower decorations will naturally depend on the style, theme, and number of people attending. Balloons and streamers are standard, but there are a lot of creative and fun ideas to make the party extra-special. You’re truly only limited by your imagination here.

If the adoption is an international one, you could use decorations that reflect the child’s place of birth, and include recipes from his or her home country. For guests, it will be a learning experience.
As with decorations, party favors should match your shower theme and party size. Your favors can be used as place settings, prizes, or they can be handed out at the end of the party. A very popular idea for adoption showers is a special program for guests to keep. Written inside should be commitments to the child from his or her new parents, poems about love, family, and adoption, and prayers for the future.
When labeling your favor, keep in mind that your party is, again, in honor of an adoption, not a birth. Your wording on gift tags should reflect that.

Adoption is a very exciting time for the new parents. A baby shower or welcome party allows friends and family members to share in on the family’s joy. When you host or even attend such a party, it is very important to know the needs and wants of the parents. Be sure to know ahead of time how old the child is. Find out if the parents have registered anywhere. Parents who are adopting should be reminded that they can actually register for older children as well as newborns.

By planning and hosting an adoption party, you are helping the new family formalize the acceptance of their child into their circle. You will be creating an occasion that will be documented for the child to look at in the future and remind them how much they were welcomed and loved from the start.

About the Author: Amanda Baker writes for All Things Pondered: http://www.allthingspondered.com – A place to learn, share and grow! Amanda also writes for To Be Informed : http://tobeinformed.com – Health, Fitness and Wellness.

Related posts

• Adoption As A First Option (pt. 1) (0)
• Watch The Adoption Angles Webcast Tonight (0)
• Haitian Adoptions Jeopardized By Disaster (5)
• Alabama Adoption (2)
• Adoption Stories: Infant And Older Child Adoption (0)

Congratulations!  After all of your hard work, the time to travel to meet your child is finally here (or almost here).  Since you can expect to be overtired, a little anxious, and, quite possibly, overwhelmed, a little advance planning can go a long way toward helping you cope. In order to help you prepare for your trip, here are a few of our favorite tips and tricks to make your adoption travel less stressful.  International travelers should check with their country program coordinator for any specific items that may be required.

Domestic Travel

First – and most important – keep in mind that anything you forget (or decide you can’t live without) can be purchased at local supermarkets, drugstores, and baby/children’s stores such as Babies ‘R’ Us.

Anticipating an extended stay?  Ship a small box of essential items ahead of time. If you’re traveling with an older sibling, this is a great way to be sure s/he will have some favorite books and toys to play with while you wait for permission to return home.  Clothes that will only be used in your destination city (e.g. bathing suits if you’re traveling to a warm climate from a winter one) are a great example of items you can send by parcel post.  Ask your local agency or attorney about short-term rental apartments or extended stay hotels.

Go to the bank before you leave. Don’t forget a few rolls of quarters (great for laundry machines) and singles for tipping in the airports.  You’ll have your hands full, especially on the return trip.  Pamper yourself and let a porter carry your luggage.

You may be able to attend the birth of your child.  If you are planning to be in the delivery room, pack some snacks and a sweatshirt!  Labor can take a long time – you might need a quick granola bar to tide you over – and delivery rooms tend to be kept at cooler temperatures.  Don’t forget a camera, but be sure to talk to your birthmother ahead of time to see how she feels about pictures.  Remember that even if the two of you agreed to something ahead of time, she may feel differently in the moment.  Respecting her wishes – and her privacy – is the most important part of building a positive relationship with her.  (Don’t be afraid to ask to cut the umbilical cord!)

If you expect to be spending time at the hospital, ask your agency or attorney or call the hospital social worker to find out their adoption policies.  Most hospitals will allow prospective adoptive parents to attend the daily classes for new mothers, covering topics such as feeding, diapering, and bathing newborns.   Be sure to request the new baby “care package” from the nursery.  Typically this freebie includes an insulated diaper bag, diapers, bulb syringe, and other items.  The hospital will also give you infant formula in glass bottles and disposable nipples.  Take as much as they will give you!

Many hospitals ban cell phone use. Prepaid phone cards are a great way to keep in touch if you need to use a pay phone (yes, they still exist) or a hospital phone.  If you have a telephone calling card linked to your home phone, be sure to memorize the code or write it down and bring it with you.  On a similar note, make sure you have the remote codes for your answering machine or voice mail system.  If you’re out of town longer than expected, you’ll need to be able to delete, rewind, and playback messages as well as change your outgoing announcement to share your good news.

Adopting a newborn? Be sure you have an infant car seat!  You can research ahead of time to decide what brand and style you want.  Either purchase at home and take it with you or order in advance and arrange to pick it up at a store in your destination city.  If you’re superstitious and don’t want to buy one ahead of time, you can borrow from a friend – but be sure the car seat is less than five years old and has not been involved in any car accidents.  Even a minor fender bender can cause invisible stress fractures inside the seat – making it unsafe in case of another, even minor, accident.  Be sure to ask your local police department to show you how to install a car seat properly before leaving home.

Use the internet wisely. A little advance research into your destination city can provide tourist information (helpful for finding places to entertain older siblings, for example) and maps.  Find out in advance if your hotel or apartment will have internet access.  Otherwise, investigate other options such as the nearest public library or stores such as Kinko’s (which charge a small internet access fee).  Be sure to pack a USB cable (if necessary) so that you can download photos from your digital camera and send them to family and friends waiting impatiently at home.

International Travel

Your agency or country program coordinator will provide you with a suggested packing list.  Be sure to pack everything they suggest that you bring…they’re the experts!

In addition, plan ahead for minor medical issues.  Pack a thermometer and make sure you know how to use it before you travel.  Bring infant or children’s Tylenol.  Know which one you are carrying and how to determine the correct dose (by weight) for your child.  If the child is over six months of age, ask your pediatrician to recommend an over-the-counter decongestant that will be safe for you to use if necessary.  Ask your pharmacist for an infant dosing syringe (there’s no needle) and a children’s dosing spoon.  Write down the correct dose by weight for each medication you have with you.  Consult your pediatrician or an international adoption medical professional to decide whether to carry antibiotics.  Carry your pediatrician’s phone number with you.

Do not bring baby formula from home unless instructed to do so by your international agency or country program coordinator.  Keep your child on his/her current diet until you return home. Be sure to ask the local program staff for a list of current foods (for older children) or for current feeding quantities (for babies still on formula).  Pack a few vinyl bibs, especially if you are adopting an older child. These wipe clean easily!

In each suitcase pack some clothes for each person traveling.  If one suitcase is lost en route, you will still have some clothes to wear.  Pack clothes in a few different sizes for your child.  If you find that some are too small for him/her when you arrive, donate them to the orphanage or children’s home.  Make copies of each traveler’s passport and place them inside each suitcase in case of emergency.  Include an emergency contact name and phone number.  Add extra copies of your passport photos in case your passports need to be replaced.  Place all of this into a sealed plastic bag.

Put the “drug bag” into your carry-on and be sure to include anti-diarrheal medicine, antacid, cold medicine, and antibiotics (for adults).  Bring copies of prescriptions for any prescription medicine you are carrying.  Go online the week before you travel to check for any updates or changes to travel restrictions (e.g. quantity of liquids, etc.).

Invest in quality hand-held luggage carts. These will prove invaluable in terms of navigating airports and train stations – especially once you are also carrying a child.  Consider purchasing a sling or other soft-sided baby carrier.  These store flat in your luggage and promote bonding with your new child.  Be sure you know how to assemble and wear the carrier properly before leaving home.  Practice with a friend’s child of similar age and size if possible!

Go to the bank before you leave.Purchase travelers checks.  Ask if your ATM card can be used overseas and whether your PIN code needs an extension.  (In many countries PIN codes are six digits.)  Don’t forget singles for tipping in the airports.  You’ll have your hands full, especially on the return trip.  Pamper yourself and let a porter carry your luggage.

Be sure you can phone home. Call your cellular phone company to find out if your phone can be used overseas.  Check with your telephone calling card company to find out how to dial home from your destination country.  Consider purchasing prepaid phone cards for use overseas.

Pack duct tape and a bath towel. Depending on where you are traveling, the towels may be small and rough.  The duct tape?  Hey, you never know!  Good for everything from fixing ripped luggage to creating a small, hacky-sack type of ball to distract a cranky child (or partner!), the duct tape may just keep you sane in a moment of insanity.

Domestic and International Travel

Take an extra suitcase – the type that folds flat inside your suitcase – since you are likely to be coming home with more things than you took with you.  Also be sure to pack a copy of the book “What to Expect the First Year” or “What to Expect the Toddler Years” so you have a quick reference by your side.  Pack your camera or camcorder (or both).  Include the USB cable if necessary.  Don’t forget extra batteries!

Pack a night light or a flashlight! In unfamiliar surroundings, late night feedings and diaper changes will be a lot easier if you shed some light on the subject.  Having a night light or flashlight handy means you don’t have to wake your spouse/partner or travel companion, which is helpful if you’re working in shifts.  Keeping the lights low also helps keep newborns sleepy!  Pack power food such as granola bars, nutrition bars, or trail mix to keep you going.

For the return trip, be sure to pack extra formula or food.  You never know when a flight will be delayed or canceled.  If you’re stuck in an airport, especially overseas, you may not be able to find what you’re looking for.  Call ahead of time to see if a pediatrician’s note is necessary for your infant (especially a newborn) to fly.  Also check with the airline about special customer service to waive penalties or other special considerations for adoption travel.

Don’t forget that you’ll need extra time to do absolutely everything on the return.  Even if you are already a parent, you’re not used to traveling with this child.  It takes longer to do things with an infant or child but don’t worry, you’ll learn quickly!

The diaper bag counts as a carry-on, so plan accordingly.  However, if your baby or child has a paid ticket, s/he’s entitled to a carry-on, too.  Babies travel half-price if you buy a seat.  For a toddler, bring an umbrella stroller.  The airline will gate check the umbrella stroller as you board the plane and return it to you as you exit.

Leave someone the keys to your house, especially if you leave on short notice.  Have all of your important paperwork (copies of passports, adoption-related documents, travelers check ID numbers, etc.) in a folder or box on the kitchen table.  Be sure this person knows where to find everything in case they need to send or fax paperwork, etc.

Stock your freezer before you go. Pack food into one- or two-person serving containers.  You’ll want to be able to microwave a quick meal for yourself, not cook, once you return.  Leave a short “essentials” shopping list with a close friend or family member (e.g. milk, juice, etc.).  Ask them to purchase these items and have them waiting for you the day you return.

And the number one travel tip:  zip-lock bags!  Take a box of sandwich bags (for those breakable glass formula bottles) and a box of one gallon bags in your luggage.  On the way home, be sure to put some of each size in an easy-to-reach pocket of your carry-on bag.  Zip-lock bags are a necessity for emergencies such as leaky diapers, soiled clothes, and snacks.

Please be sure you have contact information for your agency/attorney/program coordinator with you.  They should be available to advise and support you while you are traveling to meet your child.  For domestic adoption, they can troubleshoot, if necessary, with the sending agency and can place calls on your behalf to interstate compact offices and, for international adoption, to embassy officials.

Finally, ENJOY! You only get to meet your child for the first time once in your life.  Make the most of it.

Related posts

• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)
• Debbie Schwartz Honored By The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (4)
• Paying For Adoption Costs (2)
• Adoption: Getting The Word Out (1)
• Adoption Myths (1)

One of the myths that was posted several times was about adoption being a “last resort” or something we HAVE TO do:

“All adoptive parents “have to” adopt because they can’t “have their own” children. Reality: lots of families CHOOSE to adopt for lots of different reasons, including medical, religious, etc. that do NOT include infertility. The corollary to this myth is that adoption is a family’s second choice”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options “

“You only chose to adopt after spending tons of money trying to have a child “Naturally”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options ”

“They are infertile and adopt because they can’t have their “own” children (often not the case”

Another myth that came up was that somehow you can’t love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

“That no adoptive parent can really love an adopted child as much as they love ‘their own’”

“You could never really love a kid that isn’t “yours”.”

“You can’t love a child unless they are genetically related to you”

A few members brought up that people think you had to be rich to adopt.

“It is a myth that you need lots of money or have to own a home, have a huge savings accounts, be of a certain age, etc”.

“You have to be rich to adopt”

Related posts

• Debbie Schwartz Honored By The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (4)
• Adoption: Getting The Word Out (1)
• Adoption As A First Option (pt. 1) (0)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)
• Paying For Adoption Costs (2)

I have been looking into adoption recently, and was discouraged about the costs. I would love any kind of advice, or information about making it more affordable. How can a lower income family afford it?

I took the question to our adoption forum members and this is what they suggested:

>>>>>>> This is tough. I have to say it seems to be getting harder to do each time we pursue it. Further, adoption costs have gone up incredibly over the last six years and I feel they’ll continue to raise at a phenomenal rate. Here’s what we’ve done: re-financed our home at a much lower rate, and borrowing more to cover the cost of the adoption. In the end, we borrowed more $$ and brought our house payment down incredibly as well (lower interest rate). We’ve also borrowed from family; as well as used almost all of our savings. This is because we’ve chosen to adopt more than a couple of times……several times as a matter of fact.

I know some would encourage you to adopt through the foster to adopt state systems. While this means essentially no financial cost to the adoptive parents…….one must be careful to weigh the financial with the emotional costs to adopt in this manner. More often than not, adopting through the system will take (at least ) a moderate toll on the emotional well-being of family members. Be very prepared for this. This isn’t to imply foster/adopt situations can’t succeed; but they certainly aren’t like adopting babies and there is often a different way of raising these children—because of their past issues.

I’ve heard of people having yard sales, applying for grants, taking out adoption loans, etc. All of these are good. But, regardless of which direction you go, I’d say that paying for adoption means the couple will have to sacrifice in order to do so. There is a small percentage of people who are quite wealthy and have money sitting around for adoptions; but they’re not the majority. Most of us have to decide if the wants and desires of our hearts lie with having new homes, new cars every couple of years (or longer LOL), having a lot of material luxuries or paying fees in order to have children. IMO, that’s really the bottom line. Adoption isn’t for everyone; and for a lot of us, adopting children ranks higher than retirement, material comfort, and having that guaranteed nest egg for old age. Again, it’s a monetary sacrifice, and one that should be well considered before going into it.

>>>>>>> Apply for grants, request information on need-based fee reductions, see if your state offers an adoption benefit amount to offset your costs. Many do. See if your employer offers an adoption benefit. Many people do private fundraisers, yard sales, etc. to help pay adoption expenses.

Really do your homework when choosing an agency or adoption professional. There can be drastic differences in fees, hidden costs, and the expectation that you pay some birthparent expenses. Many places don’t require you to pay any birthparent expenses.

>>>>>>> We used savings, and temporarily home equity, and with both of our adoption I had a “timely” deal come through – just through SHEER LUCK. We didn’t borrow more than we knew we could recoup with the tax credit. Both time we adopted money was very tight from adoption date to tax time. – so nearly a year of monetary stress.

We were lucky in ways, my income had always been our “fun” money. Sure, we used some of it for living expenses, but because of Matt’s career, and mine, we couldn’t count on mine (he’s military, I’ve been strictly comission since I was 25), so our primary existing never touched my income.

My advice – save some money, however you can. Ebay stuff, garage sale stuff, put off buying a new car, furniture whatever. Have romantic dinners at home instead of restaurants- you can’t do that once you have kids (we had one of our anniversary dinners – complete with china and crystal in our formal dining room au natural), limit your gift giving – cards work for most people just fine, no one needs more junk. When it comes to work clothes buy 1 new suit per season per year. That way you have something up to date to wear when necessary, and perfectly acceptable stanbys the rest of the time – by 5 years old my suits were for office days only, not meeting days. But 4 years and younger – not enough difference to be out of style. Buy target instead of Victoria’s secret – yeah, I hate it too, but it does make a difference.

I do hate that when money comes up every one says consider state children, or special needs. I don’t think that it is fair to the kids to be only considered because of money issues. I think people need to look at the type of adoption that is right for their family….how they can best parent the kids they adopt first. Then look at the money. Certainly if special needs and older children are in their “range” then it is a great place to start, but money shouldn’t dictate the type of adoption.

>>>>>> Various foundations and donors enable special needs adoptions to happen with a greater frequency by advertising and offering grants. With greater visibility, these children are seen by prospective adoptive parents. Often, people are moved to inquiry by familiarity: perhaps a friend or relative has a similar condition, or there is another child in the home with the same handicap. After much discussion, personal research, and the home study, prospective adoptive parents interested in adopting special needs have a single child in mind. They are not waiting for a referral. They know what will be involved and how much they can handle. They have looked for networks in the community for support and education. They have sought medical guidance. Their homestudies are specifically approved for the adoption of a special needs child.

>>>>>>> Family and church gave us a little money, but the bulk of our adoption costs came from a personal line of credit. I have found that since we adopted, our credit union offers a loan program specifically for adoption.

>>>>>>> We are not adopting until we have the total costs of the money saved. It sucks, and I fight with dh about it all the time, but in the end I know it will be best. The monthly amount of money we’re saving each month for adoption will then be used to save for our kid’s college once we do have a baby. I want a baby more than I want air somedays, but I need dh’s support and he refused to be in debt when we can make sacrifices now, wait a while, and save. I’ve wanted to adopt for almost 2 years now, and we’re not planning to start until 1-1-11 (or 1-2-11 since I doubt the social worker will do our homestudy on New Year’s Day). Almost 4 years is a long time to wait when we’ve already waited long enough, but we’ll have it paid in full including all anticipated travel costs (dh is a financial planner so he has included the costs for EVERYTHING).

>>>>>>> Dealing the fees was difficult for us to. It helped us to finalize our decision on what country to go to. We were always heading towards China and the fact that it is one of the cheapest countries didn’t hurt. It sucks that we have to think about it that way but we have to be able to afford to raise the baby once they come home and we couldn’t spend all our money on the adoption. We’ve been saving up and with the international adoption we get to pay a little here and a little there, which helps. I found an organization that gives interest free loans to Jewish families, so we’ve looked into that. And my parents have offered to help, which I hate to do, being that I’m 39 and should I really still be getting help from my parents, but the hell with it… they have it and they are happy to share! We had spent so much money on fertility and it just never seems to end. I’m just amazed at it all… there are so many kids out there that need a good home and we all have good homes and want kids, why does it have to be so damn difficult?

Related posts

• Adoption: Getting The Word Out (1)
• The Reluctant Spouse (0)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)
• The Cost Of Adoption In The United States (6)
• Debbie Schwartz Honored By The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (4)

Here’s what some of them suggested:

We had spread our desire to adopt through word of mouth only. The possibility of adoption was a subject that came up often during the course of our miscarriages and infertility treatments. My doctor had even indicated that he was often made aware of situations through his work as an OB/GYN. Family members who often had unwanted and unsolicited advice, were also aware of our desire to adopt and often alerted us to possible situations. My husband’s job brought him into contact with many people during the course of the week, and our first situation was through a co-worker who was friends with a tenant in one of the apartment complexes.

There are much better and more wide-spread ways to network, but this simple form of spreading the word, brought us 3 situations over the course of one year.

I spoke with our adoption attorney for suggestions. We signed up with an agency she (the attorney) knew about; but then I kind of went out on my own. Actually, we learned more from venturing out on our own, than from anyone else.

We knew that we could adopt from other states other than our own, simply because we had relatives and friends in those particular states for the most part. I literally sat down with the computer, Googled those particular states with, “adoption agencies in XX(state)’
A long list came up each time, and I printed it off. I then sat down with pencil and paper and called any/all that I thought looked promising. Even if/when these agencies wouldn’t/couldn’t deal with us, I still learned sooo much just from questions and answers from them! And, then there were those I DID find out would/could work with us, and actually sent our profiles to them, as most would say they ‘often/always needed families wanting to adopt African American babies’.

I kept a spiral notebook with all of the contacts and phone conversations I had. In this way, I was also able to make remarks as to why or why not that particular agency did/didn’t meet with my liking. It helped immensely!!!! And honestly, there were those who might not have been able to help us (due to higher fees or not being able to deal with people outside of state), but they’d give the name of another attorney or agency we might be able to work with!

In this way then, when I’d see postings of available babies and the agencies that were handling the adoptions, I’d often know right up front whether I wanted to even call them or not. And….this info has helped others who needed info about a certain agency as well.

And, like I said, we sent out a lot of profiles to many of these agencies with the idea of ‘just in case’. In the last adoption, we were called for our baby, simply because I had had a lengthy conversation with one caseworker about their fees and our family! Even though I told them their fees were higher than we could afford, they called us because this was a special situation for them (and a stork baby, besides). They’d never seen our profile……but because of the conversation, we have our baby!!!

I kept everything written down of who and what agency/attorney I told with and the outcome. I sent profiles all over the place. Probably spent close to $500 worth of those things out! I checked the Forever Parents adoption forums regularly and other sites that listed hard to place situations. It was a member of Forever Parents who saw our son’s situation and shared it with the group.

Also, although I did not do this, I have heard of potential adoptive parents making business cards and putting them in everything they mail out (such a bills, etc) and posting them on cork boards at colleges, restaurants, etc. to get the word out they are looking to adopt. I always worried this could be an easy way to invite an adoption scam into my life so I didn’t do it.

We did nothing but wait for the right matches to come through our agency. They were dealing with about 20-30 placing mothers a year, and they aimed to keep 20 couples in The Book at a time.

I have become acquainted with Jeff at ParentGallery.com. He offers an affordable alternative to a.com’s ParentPages. He is kind enough to offer 2 free months to my clients. Another possible resource might be myadoptionadvisor.com/

We told our families (which are very large and nationwide), friends, co-workers, friends on Facebook and take advantage of every oppurtunity to tell someone when the topic of children comes up which happens quite often. We will also send our profile to the the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys once our certification to adopt is approved.

Related posts

• The Cost Of Adoption In The United States (6)
• Paying For Adoption Costs (2)
• Debbie Schwartz Honored By The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (4)
• Adoption Myths (1)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)

When the child’s family history was unknown, there was fear that they might not become bearers of genetically sound progeny. There was concern that they might not have marriage potential. Then there were the rumors of illegitimacy, of ill repute, of infidelity. Families guarded the secret of adoption for these children whom they had grown to love.

Recently I spoke to a genealogist who had found photos of her great-grandfather posted by someone that was unknown to her. When she enquired, it turned out that the man making the queries had no idea that his grandmother had been adopted, along with three other girls. The genealogist friend of mine had been piecing together the small clues that letters and records had left behind. My friend was descended from one of the girls, but that was a step-parent adoption. There were two biological sisters out of the four, with connections to the mother. “Was there contact between your grandmother and her biological father?” I asked. “Yes”, she said, “But Great-Grandaddy put a stop to it.” She started describing various gifts that had been received and returned.

An ancestor of mine from the early to mid-1800′s was a politician. He was also an adoptee. There were rumors of a barmaid birthmother. His political competitor tried to mar his reputation, and was successfully sued.

It appears that historically, closed adoption practices were chosen for child-centered reasons, not for the benefit of the adoptive parents. Although in the early days children were all needed to help with chores and to bring in the crops, the intent of child adoption was primarily one of family structure and not one of economic benefits. Those adoptions which were obvious among society typically were the children of relatives. A wealthy mechant’s wife who was in her thirties with no children, took in the daughters of her sisters, who had died of smallpox. One particularly interesting 18th century story is that of a woman who had survived losing the top of her skull in an attack, to have given birth to her seventeenth child. However, the records show that there was a woman who eventually became the second wife, who tended to the family and to the injured spouse for years until her death.

Some people even used adoption itself as a way to conceal the truth from other relatives. The secrecy of adoption protected someone from intense questioning. A woman who did not want her daughter to learn about her grandparents told her an elaborate adoption story all of her life. When the case was researched, the records were all there – NOT adopted in Ireland and raised in a Catholic orphanage, but one of five children born in the same New England town.

Prior to the 1920s, birth certificates were not always issued. Sometimes that was a problem for people looking for jobs or an education. The secrecy of adoption was closely guarded in the days when there were no laws protecting people’s rights. People depended upon references to document their lives, or Baptismal records to show proof of family connections. One man needed his mother’s notarized statement in order to enter a military academy.

Without widespread adoption regulations and practices, the process to adopt orphans was as simple as going to get them and bring them home, to interviews and questioning. While we think of the ease in which adoptions could be obtained in days long ago, we must also remember why child labor laws and other protective laws were created. Philosophies and theories abound, child-centered adoption practices will continue to evolve.

Written by Keadie

Related posts

• Let’s Get Real! (1)
• Adoption Travel Tips (8)
• Adoption Options (0)
• Paying For Adoption Costs (2)
• Haitian Adoptions Jeopardized By Disaster (5)

If you ask an adoptee who the “real” parents are, chances are the child will point to the actively parenting, adoptive parents. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards have words describing active parenting, nurturing qualities. But when “outsiders” continue to push by saying, “You know who I mean! The people who gave birth to you!”, it is a negative reinforcer to any triad member who is forced to acknowledge loss. The child has lost a biological connection to his or her parents. The adoptive parent or parents have to acknowledge yet again the loss of a biological connection to their children. The biological parents may feel validated that they are recognized as parents, but they are not actively raising the child.

Fact is: We’re ALL real. No one side can ignore the reality of the other. We can put up blinders or go into denial, but those people aren’t going away. Again, the “outsiders” insist: “You KNOW it’s not the same! You don’t get the same love that you would if your REAL parents were raising you!” Oh, really? I can’t think of a single adoptive parent who wouldn’t risk life or limb for their adopted children. Adoptive parents are the only Certified parents. Many of us wish that all parents had to go through the scrutiny which we have undergone in order to raise the babies they have. We see so many children whom we’d like to protect from neglect and abuse, but cannot because society places blood ties ahead of us.

Adoption isn’t altruistic. We are not selfless givers worthy of praise. Our children don’t owe us anything for the act of adopting them. We are not saints worthy of praise by “outsiders” for somehow doing some noble thing. Then of course the comment, “Well, I couldn’t have done what you are doing” may be heard, which also is so destructive to people touched by adoption. Adoption satisfies hardship needs. People who are unable to parent their children find loving homes for them. People who are unable to conceive have children placed in their arms. Children who need immediate, loving parents are provided with them. Nobody in the adoption triad should be expecting to be put upon a pedastal for having their needs met. No one should be guilted because adoptive needs were met.

Realness can be demonstrated repeatedly, and not just by DNA. Parenting is a lifetime career. Just as a newly “Empty Nester” mom whose life was lived through raising those adopted children with every cell of her being.

What happens when those kids turn eighteen? We’ve heard, “Don’t you realize that one day he will go back to his own kind?” by the “outsiders”. Consider the adult adoptees that you know and with whom you have grown up. Real history has built their foundation of what it means to be in the adoptive family. That cement is solid and won’t go away. Being the active mother or father for all of those years, with all of the attachment and memories, the subsequent siblings, neighborhood, childhood friends: that’s Real. If we as adoptive parents have provided a loving, stable, supportive, responsible home for children not born to us, then we have nothing to fear when they grow up. Likewise, we need to feel secure about ourselves to know that other adults in our adult childrens’ lives will not displace us as their parents. Have the people in your adult life replaced your own parents? Chances are, no. History is Real.

This is not to say that we must step aside. I’m not advocating that at all. Be the parent that you would have liked to have, that you dream of becoming. Think of how your child must tactfully deal with all of the adults that he/she loves in his/her life. Become the support system upon which your child can depend. When all is said and done, a child has been born, raised, and became a productive and loving adult as a result of positive role models, dedicated and loving parents, and mentors. Your job as a Real parent is to make that your child’s Reality.

Written by Keadie

Related posts

• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)
• Watch The Adoption Angles Webcast Tonight (0)
• How To Join Our Adoption Forums (0)
• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• Adoption Myths (1)

Congressman Jim Himes has selected Jewish Family Services Adoption Connection Program Coordinator Debbie Schwartz as a 2010 Angel in Adoption (TM) for her outstanding advocacy of adoption.  The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI), which orchestrates the Angels in Adoption™ program, will honor Schwartz, along with more than 190 Angels, at an awards ceremony and gala event in Washington, DC, October 6, 2010.

For over a decade, Schwartz has been a devoted and effective advocate for adoption and adoption services.  A longstanding volunteer for the Adoptive Parents Committee, Inc. (APC) she has served on the APC Board of Governors and as co-President of the Hudson Chapter.  For more than ten years she has facilitated the APC monthly meetings in Fairfield County, helping countless numbers of people looking to build their families through adoption.  An avid speaker and leader at area adoption conferences and workshops, she is currently promoting positive adoption awareness and education as the Program Coordinator for Adoption Connection of Jewish Family Services of Greenwich.  She is an online group moderator and speaker promoting positive adoption language and support in this era of online social networking.  Schwartz is also the founder and director of the Forever Families Weekend for Jewish Families Touched by Adoption, the first program specifically dedicated to furthering positive adoption growth and education for Forever Families in the Jewish community.  Forever Families Weekend is coordinated jointly by Jewish Family Services of Greenwich and the New Jersey “Y” Camps. 

The Angels in Adoption™ program is CCAI’s signature public awareness campaign and provides an opportunity for all members of the U.S. Congress to honor the good work of their constituents who have enriched the lives of foster children and orphans in the United States and abroad. 

“The Angels in Adoption program is unlike any other program in the Nation’s Capitol. Because of it, over 1600 “Angels’ have come to share with Washington their adoption experience and left with a renewed excitement of all that adoption makes possible,” said Kathleen Strottman.  “I learned one simple lesson from my time on the hill, knowledge is power.  Angels in Adoption is meant to give Members of Congress the knowledge they need to use the power they have toward making the dream of a family a reality for every child.” 

In addition to the more than 190 local angels from around the country, several National Angels will also be recognized at the ceremony and gala for their dedication and commitment nationally and internationally to child welfare on a grand scale.  Former “National Angels” include First Lady Laura Bush, Patti LaBelle, Jane Seymour, Muhammad Ali, the late Dave Thomas, Steven Curtis Chapman, Bruce Willis, Alonzo Mourning, and Marcus Samuelsson.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI) is a 501(c)3 nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about the tens of thousands of orphans and foster children in the United States and the millions of orphans around the world in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes through adoption.  CCAI’s goal is the elimination of the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic right of a family. 

CCAI was created in 2001 by the active co-chairs of the bicameral, bipartisan Congressional Coalition on Adoption (CCA) to more effectively raise Congressional and public awareness about the issue of adoption. 

The Angels in Adoption™ program was established in 1999 as a Congressional press conference to honor outstanding individuals. Since then, the program has developed into a yearlong public awareness campaign culminating in an extraordinary awards Gala and celebration in Washington, D.C. 

CCAI does not receive any government funding and they rely on the generous support of foundations, corporations, and individuals to accomplish their mission.  For more information visit http://www.ccainstitute.org/

Related posts

• Adoption: Getting The Word Out (1)
• Adoption Travel Tips (8)
• Adoption Myths (1)
• Watch The Adoption Angles Webcast Tonight (0)
• Paying For Adoption Costs (2)

“Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Vardalos said. “I am happy to once again be a part of National Adoption Day. We were matched with our daughter through the U.S. foster care system, and my goal is to share information about the more than 120,000 foster care children in this country who are waiting for a family.”

Vardalos is an advocate for U.S. foster care adoption and took her cause to the public arena when she and her husband, actor Ian Gomez, adopted their daughter from foster care in 2008. She served as the National Adoption Day spokesperson in 2009.

“The good news is that on this day, thousands of children will be adopted into loving homes,” Vardalos added. “The sad news is there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. If your desire is to become a parent, please connect with your local foster family agency to find out how to give a home to a child. The process is simple, affordable and does not discriminate. This is how I became a mom — and the reason I’m smiling.”

Vardalos is active with the adoption organization, AdoptUSKids, aimed at recruiting and connecting foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States. “Nia’s personal story of foster care adoption is both heartwarming and encouraging,” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a founding sponsor of National Adoption Day. “She has selflessly and gracefully worked to spread awareness for foster care adoption, and the National Adoption Day Coalition is honored to have Nia as our national spokesperson again this year.”

This year on November 20, communities in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Guam will hold celebrations to finalize more than 4,500 foster care adoptions, bringing the total number of finalized adoptions as part of National Adoption Day to more than 35,000. Judges, attorneys, adoption agencies, adoption professionals and child advocates volunteer their time to finalize adoptions and celebrate all families who adopt. For more information about the events taking place and foster care adoption, please visit www.nationaladoptionday.org.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners: Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Freddie Mac Foundation, Annie E. Casey Foundation/Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and The Alliance for Children’s Rights.

Related posts

• Adoption Options (0)
• A Home For The Holidays: 12/23/09 (0)
• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption Awards $7.75 Million in 2009 Grants (1)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)

Click here to watch live . You can login, watch Debbie, and type in questions and comments for her.
Click here to watch the archived interview (Click on the May 19 episode to watch the 60 minute show).

Some of the topics Debbie hopes to cover tonight are:
• What is Forever Families Weekend and why did I start the program?
• Is there such a thing as a “religion of origin?”
• Is a change of religion from birth family to adoptive family another loss in the adoption experience?
• How does religion factor into the developmental search for identity that EVERY child goes through and that is often more complicated for adoptees?
• Are we, as adults in the adoption community, ignoring something that needs to be addressed?
• Of course, children who join their families through adoption need to be full members of those families, so being raised in their “religion of origin” would create just as many issues as it might solve, so how do we address this? Is it enough just to acknowledge it?
• When we talk with adoptees about ways in which their adoptive and birth families differ, how do we address this issue (with the idea that we need to make that process less emotionally charged)?

Related posts

• Adoption As A First Option (pt. 1) (0)
• How To Join Our Adoption Forums (0)
• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• Adoption Forums (6)
• Let’s Get Real! (1)