When we decided to adopt it was a very spontaneous decision. During a frustrating conversation with my mother about my sister’s poor parenting choices, I blurted out “Don’t call me about her behavior again unless you’re calling to ask me to raise one of her children”. –That was all it took.

All that afternoon (Valentine’s Day 2004), the thought of adoption wouldn’t go away. I approached my husband with the idea later that evening and by that Sunday, we agreed that it was what our family needed. We sat our children down that weekend and told them our idea. All four (3 of ours and 1 of his) were in agreement. We started looking into what we would have to do the following Monday. Conveniently, the foster parent classes started that March….after 6 weeks of them, we were licensed foster parents and the wait began.

After having difficulty conceiving both our sons, we were in the throes of infertility treatments to try and conceive a third child. We always knew we wanted 3 kids, and with just the 4 of us, it felt like someone was missing. Once my doctor gave me the facts of the UNlikelihood of us conceiving a third time, my husband suggested adoption. I was resistant, not wanting to “babysit” someone else’s child. I knew virtually nothing about adoption. But during the spring of 2002 I grieved and researched adoption on the sly. My heart and mind finally connected and my husband breathed a sigh of relief when I said, “Let’s look into adopting.” We signed on with our facilitator in July and Tessa was born, literally into my arms, 15 months later. I’m SOOOOO glad now that our family is complete and cannot imagine having a child other than our daughter.

I had always been drawn to adoption, but I never realized that I would ever do it myself. From the time I first saw “Pete’s Dragon” as a little girl, I wanted to love a child who needed me. I had my life all planned out. I married at 23. We would have our first child at 28 and our second at 30. But when I failed to conceive, I insisted upon going to an infertility specialist after 6 months with dh kicking and screaming. After about a year of failed IF treatments, I was ready to adopt, but dh wanted to try IF longer. After 3-1/2 years of IF heartache, I went to an adoption orientation alone. It took another 5 months to get dh to agree on filling out the application. The deciding factor was when I asked myself the question, “Is the goal to become pregnant or to become a parent?” I realized that pregnancy was such a small part of being a parent. It took dh a little longer to get on board. But now, he ADORES our son and wouldn’t change a thing.

When I remarried I assumed it would be easy to get pregnant again esp. after the first time (we tried once and boom there was Phil) Boy was I wrong. Actually I was able to get pregnant 5 times and I miscarried 5 times anywhere from 9 to 18 weeks gestation. After the last miscarriage I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. We were told we could go thru IF treatments I told Scott I couldn’t go thru it (miscarriage) again. So we turned to a friend who was an adoption attorney who helped us navigate the maze. For me it wasn’t about being pregnant. I had done that before and I was a terrible pregnant person. I would have done it again if Scott had his heart set on a biological child but since he was adopted at birth to him it didn’t matter how we had our children It was about being a parent together. So adoption was the path we followed.

I got my tubes tied after the birth of my 3rd child.When the youngest was 6 my husband and i wanted more children. Adoption was the what we both wanted.My husband is adopted and for him it was the best decision.Boy was he right.Went through adoption hell in the states.Our children were found in a foreign country.

DH and I decided to adopt because we did not want to pursue IF treatments. As a poster said above. The goal is to become a parent not to get pregnant. It does not matter how our family comes to us, and we wanted to give a child/children a loving home. We made the decision rather quickly (in 3 days) and have not looked back. We are really looking forward to this process. The more you want something the more you appreciate it when your dreams come true. A year ago I thought this would be a hard decision but it wasn’t. I can’t wait to be a mommy.

Sometime around second grade, I told people that I wanted to adopt. I often thought that I’d adopt and do the biological route…….but didn’t give it that much thought at all. When I met dh (high school sweetheart)….we both felt that adoption was for us. We both had health issues within our extended family (diabetes, severe early onset arthritis, etc)….and even though neither of us had/have these health issues, we just felt we couldn’t knowingly put these issues on a baby through genetics. We also felt/feel that there are already too many people on the planet. (Just our opinion)….and we weren’t people who felt the need to have kids that looked anything like us. So, we knew that if we had children…we’d adopt. DH was enlisted in the Air Force for awhile….we married before his first official orders; and when he got orders for Japan….we felt we’d pursue our adoption efforts there. We adopted our first baby from Korea in 1981 (born 1980)…next baby from Japan in 1982. Years passed before we went the older child route in ’96 and ’98. In 2001….we went back to baby adoptions through private agency/attorney. First private agency baby was adopted then; and our most recent adoption was completed in 2003 (another baby).

Many people ask us this because we already have 2 bio children.one boy and one girl.so they say “why would you want more and why would you adopt instead of going the natural route?” i got very ill with my pregnancies and even though i was capable of conceiving it was so hard on me and my body and the kids that we decided that adoption would be the route we would take to have the larger family we always wanted.and deep inside i always thought it was a way to provide a loving home to a child in need.

Part Two

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My Life As A Foster Child

Imagine from the time you are born, you have three siblings and two parents that you love. You play with your siblings and have lots of good times getting in trouble. Your brothers take the blame for things you do. You share everything with them: measles, chicken pox. Your Mom takes care of you through it all. Every day your Dad comes home from work and hugs you. Your whole family eats together at the supper table. The ideal family life.

Then one day, when you are 4 or 5 yrs old, you are sitting at the supper table and a man comes to the door. He tells you and only you it is time to go now. Time to go? Go where? This man is your biological father. You turn to the man who has raised you like his own and beg him not to let this man take you. But his only reply is, “There is nothing I can do.” You argue, “But I’m one of you!” and although they may feel the same, there is not one thing that this foster family can do to change things. You are torn, suddenly, from the only family you have known and forced to go with a man you do not know. In this case, a man who has no clue about parenting or what you are going through.

Although I do not remember the weeks and even years following this event, I do remember that day as though it were yesterday and I am now 56 yrs old. I remember begging my father to visit my family every time we passed their home, and we did visit from time to time over the years. Every time I would stop in, the other children would greet me as the long lost member of their family. As a teenager, I would go to youth group with the boys in the family. When I was fifteen, I attended the wedding of the oldest son. My former foster father walked down the aisle with the newest member of their family in the crook of his arm. That is the last time I saw them, until many many years later, mostly because of the path my own life took.

That was just the beginning of my life as a foster child. My father met a woman that we lived with until I was nine. This woman I came to know and love as “my mother”.When I was nine, she “interfered” in my schooling and once again I was torn from the one person who cared for me. My father was an alcoholic and the only real memories I have of him are related to that: Mom and I picking him up at a police station. Him driving drunk with my friend and me in the back of his panel truck. Him ripping my dress when I woke him to unbutton it in second grade and so on.

At first, my father and I lived alone, but not for long. Only a matter of months went by before we moved in with his new girlfriend and her two sons. That is another story. By age ten, I was back living with his old girlfriend, “my mother”. Dad had just left me with her one day. There were serious issues between one of Dad’s girlfriend’s sons and me, enough said. Dad moved away. We would drive long distance on weekends to visit him at my biological uncle’s home. Then, one day he was just gone. He had been involved in a drunk driving accident, so he left the state and I did not hear from him for a whole year. I was invited to travel by bus at age 11 (can you imagine?) to the mid-west to visit him. On the ride from the bus station to his house, I was informed that he was going to re-marry and she had two sons. This was April . They married in May. I returned for a summer visit in June. Does anyone else see the problem here? I was not there for the wedding.

I continued to live with the woman whom I called my mother through my most trying teen years. In fact, to say I was a troubled teen would be an understatement. I hated school, had few friends and basically got into all kinds of trouble. I remember my mother coming to a major city to pick me up one time when I ran away. One of several times. Another time my dad picked me up down South . I was 15 and very troubled . He took me to his house for a couple of days, but a judge suggested he let me go back to the woman I called mother, since he could not deal with me without physical violence. The judge kept me at this house for the weekend, and I flew home to her on Monday.

My mother was happy to have me back even though her friends told me she should not take me, because I would only cause her grief. I suppose they were right. I was always away in places that she never knew, until finally I became pregnant at 16. She never judged me for this faux pas, but allowed me to stay with her. I was her daughter after all. There was no Foster about it. She never received a penny from anyone to support me. She worked hard every day to put food on the table and clothes on my back and make sure I had some of the finer things in life: my pony for one. She made sure I went to youth group activities and such. She had a tough life herself as a child, and did the best she could raising me. I did not appreciate this, of course, until I was an adult.

At age twenty-one, I met my birth mother. She tried to find a place in my life but it was too late. My life was filled with my own family and the woman who was my real mother, who continued to be just that, until shortly before her death when her “family” took over her affairs. Even this did not change how I feel about my Mom nor do I believe it changed how she loved me and my children as her own.

At age thirty-eight, I found myself living in the same area as the youngest son from my first foster family. I stopped in to visit. I don’t know what he felt when we hugged that day, but I felt a physical shock of recognition hitting my chest. This was my long lost brother! Time and circumstances did not change that. I’m not sure his wife ever understood this until the day I stopped in and the rest of the family was there, well most of them, all but the oldest son. The youngest daughter who was walked down the isle at her brother’s wedding in the crook of her dad’s arm was so excited to meet me! The”missing (family name)”. The sibling she had never met. You see, she grew up with that family, hearing stories of me.

Recently, the oldest son lost his wife . I was honored that I was personally invited to and welcomed at her memorial service. Even though it was a sad time for him, for me it was a wonderful opportunity to see them all and others I had not seen in 40 years. It was also my pleasure to meet their children and grandchildren. As fate often does, it has placed his son and his family just a half an hour from where I live. His late wife had started a Facebook page before she died, where friends and family could connect. On this page I met her daughter-in-love. We have become friends, too. Recently I did child care while these two went out for the evening.

I’m not sure how much notice the original foster family had that my father was coming to get me. When I saw them a couple of months ago, my foster Dad said they probably should have tried harder to adopt me, but they would have had to prove that he was unfit. They did not realize how easy that would have been. My former foster Mom said, when I saw the family as an adult years ago, that she was fearful that the whole emotional and legal process would have pulled her away from the needs of the other children. She had just nursed three of us thru the chicken pox and measles …not much fun, I’m sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank my friend so much for her candid and very thoughtful interview. She is a very caring, loving and devoted mother to her two sons, whom she did raise herself, and grandmother to their families. She is very connected to her non-biological “relatives”, and refers to them as, “my niece”, or “my brother”. They are just as close to her. My friend would probably say that her values sprang from what a great mother she had in her father’s former girlfriend: a woman who simply loved her as her own, unconditionally, through thick and thin. I can truly say that my friend is surrounded by an extended family that was created not by biology, but by pure Love. She can add me, too! She’s stuck with me.

Written by Keadie

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With approximately 12 million foster care alumni and 424,000 children currently in foster care waiting for families, it is hard to ignore the impact of child abuse and neglect. Of the children in foster care, 59% return home to their biological families. Another 16% are adopted; the others are emancipated, living with relatives, etc. There has been a dramatic increase since 1997 when the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) passed into law. This law requires counties to have permanency plans in place within a year of a child coming into the system, and termination of parental rights for children who have been in foster care for 15 of the most recent 22 months.

Foster care Factoids:
· According to the AFCARS report about 70% of the kids in foster care of the children waiting to be adopted had been in continuous foster care for two years or more; twenty-five percent for five years or more [1].
· The Child Welfare League of America reports, “Approximately 60 percent of all children in out-of-home care have moderate to severe mental health problems [2] Adolescents living with foster parents or in group homes have about four times the rate of serious psychiatric disorders than those living with their own families.”[3]
· A 2000 Department of Health and Human Services report found that foster children are more likely than other groups of Medicaid children to use mental health services.
· A 2001 study found that foster care children were more likely to have a mental health or substance abuse condition than other children receiving Medicaid.[4]

I know that the statistics may seem bleak. Our two foster to adopt situations were nerve wracking to say
the least. Our oldest of those two was abandon at the hospital and our son came to us from an adoption
agencies failure to appear to accept him into their custody. In both cases our adoptions were considered high risk placements.

If you feel becoming a foster parent, or adopting a foster child is the right path for you, check this sheet for your state’s contact information.

Good luck on your journey!

sources:
[1] AFCARS REPORT 6, at 7, 3, 4.
[2] Child Welfare League of America, FACTSHEET: THE HEALTH OF CHILDREN IN OUT-OF-HOME CARE, available at http://www.cwla.org/programs/health/healthcarecwfact.htm
[3] Child Welfare League of America, FACTSHEET: THE HEALTH OF CHILDREN IN OUT-OF-HOME CARE, (available at http://www.cwla.org/programs/health/healthcarecwfact.htm )
[4] U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation, HEALTH CONDITIONS, UTILIZATION AND EXPENDITURES OF CHILDREN IN FOSTER CARE, at 50, Table III.10 (Sept. 2000).

Written by Rainbow Mom, a long time member of our adoption forum.

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“He is medically fragile and when we learned that he would not be able to return to his birth parents and that they couldn’t find a home for him, our hearts just broke,” Stephanie Hayes said. It not only broke their hearts, it spurred them to action. The Hayes decided that Jaylan should have a permanent home and they went up to UAB Medical Center to get their son.

Doctors predicted that the now 30-month-old Jaylan wouldn’t make it, but he is thriving under the care of his parents. And they’re enjoying the love that he’s brought to their home. Henry said Jaylan could have never gotten the care that he needed if it weren’t for foster care, and that’s why it’s so important that more people open their homes and become foster parents.

State officials hope more people in Alabama will hear that message and be spurred to action. The state celebrated a milestone of finalizing 676 adoptions in fiscal 2009, more than it has ever had before. Many of the adoptions were by families such as the Hayeses, who were already caring for foster children.

Department of Human Resources Commissioner Nancy Buckner said that creates not only a need for more families willing to adopt, but more families willing to provide foster care for children. There are 650 children in foster care who are waiting for their adoptions to be finalized, and there are more than 250 children waiting for someone to step forward and say that they will adopt a child.

“We are spreading the message that there is an urgency for permanency,” Buckner said. It’s a message that Laura Murdock and Mary Williams, both of Montgomery, heeded. Murdock provided foster care for two little boys and when they became eligible for adoption, she said it was the best decision for everyone. The boys had been back and forth between her home and that of a family member’s, and she wanted them with her forever. “I’d had them off and on since they were little,” she said. “We just fell in love with each other and that was it.”

Williams said being a foster parent is one of the best decisions that she ever made. Back in 2002 she opened her home to four siblings, and when they became eligible for adoption she jumped at the chance to give them a permanent home. Those children are now 18, 16 and the twins are 15, and Williams said she’s ready to start all over again. “They’ve brought a lot of joy to my life and they’ve just been a wonderful blessing,” she said.

To learn more about foster care or adoptions in the state of Alabama, call 1-800-4AL-KIDS. or visit their site.

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When we adopted our children, they were 5, 8 and 11 and had been in the foster system for 4 years, the last three being spent with foster parents Pat & Bill.  Over the several months spent getting to know our kids, before we finalized the adoption, we also got to know Pat & Bill quite well. They were a source of information and insight into these three children, each of which had their own story to tell. Early on I felt it was important to keep ties with them, if for no other reason but to stop the cycle of caregivers coming in and out of my children’s lives. I’ve written about this in more detail so I won’t get to far off track here but out of that came our annual Christmas get together. What makes it even more special is that a boy, Lance who lived with Pat & Bill during the same time, got adopted by a couple that lives in our city and they come also. They have since adopted Lance’s biological brother and Pat & Bill always bring their current foster children so this year we had six adults and eight kids. It would have been nine but my son won’t be home until later this month. More about that in another post.

If you are a foster parent, please know that you are making a difference in that child’s life. Nurturing and love can go a long way for a child that is hurting and by providing that, you are helping to heal their heart. You have my admiration and my thanks.

Okay – on to the festivities!

I take a picture of each of my kids with Pat & Bill every year and it’s really something to see the change from year to year! Here’s Jacqueline (11) and Shawna (14).

That’s me poking my head out around Chris. He’s the dad that adopted Lance and Michael.

That’s my husband Billy talking with Chris.

I hope you had a wonderfully joyful holiday!

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Adopting older children is not for the faint of heart. I have three children that we adopted at the ages of 5, 8 & 11 and if anything, it’s never boring. Linny, the co-administrator at our adoption forums compiled a list of honest, informative questions to ask before you adopt an older child through the foster care system.

“My dh and I have adopted seven children to date. However, our ‘forever family’…has not followed what we are usually taught in adoption circles in terms of ‘forever’. Because of this, I compiled a list of questions I feel are vital in trying to determine if adopting an older child is a good idea for you and your family. We have gone through terrible roads with our children who were adopted as older children….and would never do it again. I think had we had this kind of info in the beginning, we would have thought twice about our placements.

In addition to the list, I would also like to add that we could never recommend ‘mixing’ infant adoptions with older child adoptions. For our family, this has been disasterous, to say the least. Rather, I think that older child adoptions have the greatest chance for success, when the family has ONLY adopted in this way, and realizes the continued baggage these children may/will/do bring with them”. Having adopted three older children through foster myself, I know that her list is an invaluable tool to anyone who may be considering it. Older child adoption is not for the faint of heart and it’s something you must go into with your eyes open.

1. What is the number of placements child has had; how long they lasted, why they disrupted. (Usually folks are uneasy to disclose the ‘why’….but I’d really try to find out!)

2. Permission (and I’ve done this w/o permission too) to contact past foster parents. (This info can prove to be INVALUABLE…and most foster parents will gladly provide info as to the ‘why’)

3. “Why” didn’t past foster parents adopt this child?

4. At what age was the child ‘removed from the biological home’..what type of pre-natal care (especially drug use, etc), what’s the situation with any siblings (adoption, prenatal drug use, residential care, etc.?)

5. What kind of medication is the child on NOW….and what types has the child been on previously? (Also, what types of diagnoses has this child been given in the past, by what type of professional (psychiatrist, psychologist, or your ‘mental health counselor’ who suspects something?)

6. What prompted termination? Did either parent voluntarily surrender and ‘why’? Try to get the psychologicals on the birthparents. (In some places, this is a ‘no-no’…but we’ve been given these before w/o asking. Many psychological traits have a genetic pre-disposition.)

7. Where are the biologicals now? Are there relatives in the area near you, and any chance they’ll be a problem?

8. What kinds of hospitalization (especially ER) has this child had? tests, etc. If so, you’d like the paperwork!

9. What’s this child been told about adoption? Does this child lament for his/her biological family?

10. What type of relationship did this child have with birthparents? ie, was this child forced into being the ‘parent’ because parents were unable to be just that? Did this child have to take care of younger, older sibs?

11. How does this child perceive him/herself? Is she self-centered? Does she share well? (And I don’t care how old the child is….this may still be a problem.)

12. Has or has this child EVER had a diagnoses of RAD (reactive attachmentdisorder)…or ANY type of attachment disorder? How has ‘the system’ helped this child deal with this? (Holdings, play therapy, etc.)

13. How long has this child been in therapy, and what types have been used?

14. Does this child act out sexually? If not now, EVER? And IF ever, how and how long since the last time?

15. And…one of the most IMPORTANT questions we think you should ask YOURSELF: “If this child were to get NO better after being in our home, could we handle his/herbehaviors ‘just as they are, NOW’……as if there would be NO improvement, etc. I think this is important, as classes continually say that ‘this child just needs some loveand attention and permanancy, and you’ll see how much improvement this child will make!!!” This DOESN’T ALWAYS happen, and is a point to consider when taking on special needs children.

Use this list if you are in the process of adopting an older child/ren through foster care. Remember, not asking questions, won’t make the issues they struggle with go away. We adopted three children at the age of five, eight and eleven. My oldest is facing a residential facility because he can not function within a family, my middle child has overcome a lot of her issues with help from us and therapy and still has a long road in front of her and my youngest is a very happy and emotionally healthy child.

One of the moderators at Forever Parents had this to add:
My advise would be to realize that love alone does not cure all. It takes love, perserverence, crying, yelling, laughing, patience, uderstanding, knowledge, strength beyond your wildest dreams. You can never imagine what you are getting yourself into. Seek out others who have done what you are doing. Normal parenting techniques will not work, and don’t listen to ‘oh, my child does that’ from parents who do not have attachment disordered children. Do this from the start. Expect to never be loved by your child, hope that you will be. Expect their uncaring attitude never to change, hope that it will. Expect and be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. The best may never happen though, so don’t put all your effort into the hoping. It’s OK if it doesn’t, some children may never heal, the damage was done by someone else, not you. Don’t think you’ve failed them, or that your efforts were in vain. You can make a huge impact, and only see a small change, but you’ve done something no one else has, you’ve provided safety and stability.
Our older child adoption has been a success story. It has not been easy, far from it. Our son is resiliant, not all children have that. We have all been very fortunate. At 11 years old I am happy to say he is a normal pre-teen (not that that’s always easy either, lol), he has become ‘respectful, responsible and fun to be around’. I am very proud of him, and I enjoy the relationship we have. A true connection, a true mother son relationship. He is a great young man, my wonderful son”.

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