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Written by Linny

If you keep an eye on adoption sites that feature children available for re-adoption, it would seem there are more and more children (adopted as older children), who’s adoptions are being dissolved. (By older child adoption, I’m referring to children 3 years old and up).

Having lived, and parented children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), children who‘s adoptions all failed in some way over time, I can fully understand a family’s plight. Living with children who must be watched 24/7 for fear of harming/killing other children is beyond exhaustive. Over time, it can change a parents’ mindset of ‘what’s normal and what’s not’. It can also make a parent doubt any and all decisions they make. Further, it’s not uncommon for parents of children with RAD to end up divorced; or at least suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

There is seldom any respite for a family raising a difficult child from the foster care system. Very often, there’re a lot of suggestions to help; but no real solid help for the families. The family then lives an isolated and lonely life where even ‘normal’ siblings suffer from the isolation at having a sister or brother who steals everything in sight, lies in the face of reality, or can’t be trusted to be around young children for fear of sexual inappropriateness.

However, some of our adoption forum members have had great experiences with older child adoptions. I’m not making light of the difficulty they’ve had in raising these children to become great kids, and certainly, there’s a huge difference in those children vs other children who’s adoptions are being dissolved or disrupted.

If you considering older child adoption, take heed. There are miracles and there are disasters. Education is key; but there’s more to it as well. I don’t think it’s ‘the gamble that just turned out well’, but more, the successful parents knew or sensed something ‘successful’ when they sought out and found their older children. Call it an internal sixth sense if you will, but something made the parents see a child as being able to bond and grow up successfully, and they did.

When we first saw/met our first-older child for adoption, IMMEDIATELY I felt something was very wrong. I really did. I couldn’t put my finger on it; he was such a funny and cute kid; but I didn’t feel good about fully adopting him; and my husband nd I talked often about ‘whether we should or shouldn’t’. I felt like I loved him; I wanted to love him more, but there was something that just wasn’t ‘right’ here, a type of distance in our relationship I’d never felt or seen before.

That doesn’t speak well for my character, does it, but it’s true. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were very torn as to whether we should proceed with adoption or not. Yet, we and some other family members thought we should, and I agreed, having moments where I thought, “This is going to be just fine; this is great.”.

He turned out to have severe RAD and eventually, wasn‘t able to stay in a traditional home environment. The state foster/adopt department literally lied to us about his past. (We found/have the paperwork to prove incredible fraud.) This type of thing is common, meaning, state foster to adopt departments are often NOT honest about disclosing full information with their ‘more difficult children to place’. It would seem, as some believe, the state adoption departments are more than anxious to put the burden of raising these children on someone else’s shoulders.

Even for the most experienced parent, there are many illnesses than require a lot of outside support. Sadly, most states are reluctant or refuse to give any support other than tell the parents they need to put monitors in place and ‘live with it’. (Very disturbing news for those who live with the threat of sexual abuse or assault.)
(Oddly enough, the state departments would quickly remove any biological child from a family who created the threat of harm, sexual assault or death to any family members. But, when the child is ‘one of theirs’ however, it seems the mindset changes?)

I personally feel no one should adopt our of birth order; and, I would caution anyone who wants to adopt from the system when they’ve already adopted infants, and plan to adopt *more* infants in the future. It should be a serious consideration, because when you adopt an older child from the system, it may also mean you’ll never be able to adopt again if the child’s behaviors are so bad that bringing in a baby would be a dangerous action to do.

Please be careful when wanting to adopt older children. Educate yourself beyond the general classes each state provides for foster to adopt certification. Those classes are usually quite mild, definitely biased, and don’t present a full scope of what living with an older adopted child with moderate to severe issues can be like. Usually, the parent takes the role of a caretaker and counselor more than the role of ‘just being able to enjoy parenting an older child’.

Is this true for every older child adoption?

Certainly not.

But it would be wise to carefully consider each older child on a case by case basis and not rush into any adoption finalization until the child has lived within your home for a very extended amount time.

Adoption disruption statistics
Individual studies throughout the United States are consistent in reporting disruption rates that range from about 10 to 25 percent.

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People often wonder why adoptive and preadoptive parents need support. It is assumed that adoptive parents have “all the joy and none of the pain”. Many have no idea what trials and tribulations adoptive families endure to “become real”. The devastation of childlessness can be a crippling disability, terribly misunderstood.

Pre-adoptive parents seek to share their joy with their co-workers, family, friends and neighbors and oftentimes, the reactions are surprisingly unsupportive. The same thing happens when they try to raise funds to offset adoption costs. They are shocked to learn that some people take offense at the idea. Here is a sampling of opinions offered by people who have not been touched by adoption. Have these been sensed, experienced, or thought by you?

People look down on adoptive parents because they “accepted the second rate option in lieu of the first rate.” Adoption is seen as second class parenting. People who adopt haven’t “paid their dues to get a child.” They have not undergone the trials of a strained marriage, lack of sex drive, fears of infidelity, emotional upheavals, anticipation and realization of huge belly, health complications, the vomiting  or thirty pound weight gain. Adoptive mothers still have their “girlish figure”, no stretch marks, no sagging breasts, and no episiotomy stitches.

People who adopt think that money can buy anything, even children. That fundraising to pay for adoptive fees is unfair, because “regular” parents don’t get help like that. People forget that many go through dozens of painful infertility procedures, have multiple miscarriages if they are lucky enough to get pregnant at all, and are completely stressed out by failure and huge fortunes spent before they approach adoption agencies. It’s harder to have a baby through adoption than by natural birth. Strain on marriage? Oh yes. Emotional upheavals? Most definitely. Lots of tears and frustration. Hopelessness. Anger at God for not being able to function like others. Lack of sex drive? Just ask couples who have had to monitor ovulation dates and temperatures for even a month or two. Fears of infidelity? The fear that your partner might want a fertile partner so that the family line will go on is quite real. As for that huge belly and stretch marks: those are beautiful in our eyes. If we could only share that experience. Health complications are in themselves reasons why many women fear becoming pregnant. They don’t want to pass on hereditary diseases, or jeopardize the babies’ or their own lives. Some have taken huge risks in the past and just don’t dare try it again. Some have nearly died.

It’s not about the money. That’s pretty clear by the way that adoption agencies vary to extremes in their fees. Having a family is the ultimate experience that, when unreachable, can become a blinding lure.

Children are not bought and sold. The fees to pay the people involved in matching, legals, etc. are what make adoption a business. It is illegal to pay a woman to surrender her child for adoption. Only certain living expenses may be given as assistance, and such money is not refundable if the mother changes her mind.

Adoption creates real families.

Real parents with their real children.

Though society persists in seeing the adoptive status as subordinate to a biological family’s connectedness, in day to day practice, this simply is not so. Attachment is forged and once solidified, the new bond should be, and is expected to be, as unconditionally loving and strong as the biological one. People who adopt children have parental instincts, too. The reaction to protect and nurture one’s young is a natural, inborn behavior.

People can live without being physically or emotionally complete. However, living without a huge part of what is expected from the norm creates suffering. It is reasonable when there is relief, to seek it. Fund raising helps people to overcome hardships when trying to reach important goals. People should not be criticized for wanting to parent. Parenting and Fostering have completely different goals. Fostering is temporary nurturing while the parents heal enough for the child to be returned. Parenting provides nurturing adults an assurance of permanency that can build upon itself: to actually raise that child over the growing years, and to be forever in that child’s life. Having that forever family is something which all children desire and deserve. Not everyone should, or can, Foster hurt older waiting children. If a childless couple longs to raise a newborn who has been freed for adoption, there should be no more stigma on that couple than on any other couple wanting their own baby. Pre-adoptive parents have been thoroughly screened and approved to raise children not born to them. Please do not judge or deny them the opportunity to fill the huge void in their lives.

A baby’s arrival is a joyous occasion for expectant parents, no matter how that baby comes home. Embrace and support loving, nurturing, educated adoptive homes. Read some of the many books on adoption. Share the experience with others.

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My Life As A Foster Child

Imagine from the time you are born, you have three siblings and two parents that you love. You play with your siblings and have lots of good times getting in trouble. Your brothers take the blame for things you do. You share everything with them: measles, chicken pox. Your Mom takes care of you through it all. Every day your Dad comes home from work and hugs you. Your whole family eats together at the supper table. The ideal family life.

Then one day, when you are 4 or 5 yrs old, you are sitting at the supper table and a man comes to the door. He tells you and only you it is time to go now. Time to go? Go where? This man is your biological father. You turn to the man who has raised you like his own and beg him not to let this man take you. But his only reply is, “There is nothing I can do.” You argue, “But I’m one of you!” and although they may feel the same, there is not one thing that this foster family can do to change things. You are torn, suddenly, from the only family you have known and forced to go with a man you do not know. In this case, a man who has no clue about parenting or what you are going through.

Although I do not remember the weeks and even years following this event, I do remember that day as though it were yesterday and I am now 56 yrs old. I remember begging my father to visit my family every time we passed their home, and we did visit from time to time over the years. Every time I would stop in, the other children would greet me as the long lost member of their family. As a teenager, I would go to youth group with the boys in the family. When I was fifteen, I attended the wedding of the oldest son. My former foster father walked down the aisle with the newest member of their family in the crook of his arm. That is the last time I saw them, until many many years later, mostly because of the path my own life took.

That was just the beginning of my life as a foster child. My father met a woman that we lived with until I was nine. This woman I came to know and love as “my mother”.When I was nine, she “interfered” in my schooling and once again I was torn from the one person who cared for me. My father was an alcoholic and the only real memories I have of him are related to that: Mom and I picking him up at a police station. Him driving drunk with my friend and me in the back of his panel truck. Him ripping my dress when I woke him to unbutton it in second grade and so on.

At first, my father and I lived alone, but not for long. Only a matter of months went by before we moved in with his new girlfriend and her two sons. That is another story. By age ten, I was back living with his old girlfriend, “my mother”. Dad had just left me with her one day. There were serious issues between one of Dad’s girlfriend’s sons and me, enough said. Dad moved away. We would drive long distance on weekends to visit him at my biological uncle’s home. Then, one day he was just gone. He had been involved in a drunk driving accident, so he left the state and I did not hear from him for a whole year. I was invited to travel by bus at age 11 (can you imagine?) to the mid-west to visit him. On the ride from the bus station to his house, I was informed that he was going to re-marry and she had two sons. This was April . They married in May. I returned for a summer visit in June. Does anyone else see the problem here? I was not there for the wedding.

I continued to live with the woman whom I called my mother through my most trying teen years. In fact, to say I was a troubled teen would be an understatement. I hated school, had few friends and basically got into all kinds of trouble. I remember my mother coming to a major city to pick me up one time when I ran away. One of several times. Another time my dad picked me up down South . I was 15 and very troubled . He took me to his house for a couple of days, but a judge suggested he let me go back to the woman I called mother, since he could not deal with me without physical violence. The judge kept me at this house for the weekend, and I flew home to her on Monday.

My mother was happy to have me back even though her friends told me she should not take me, because I would only cause her grief. I suppose they were right. I was always away in places that she never knew, until finally I became pregnant at 16. She never judged me for this faux pas, but allowed me to stay with her. I was her daughter after all. There was no Foster about it. She never received a penny from anyone to support me. She worked hard every day to put food on the table and clothes on my back and make sure I had some of the finer things in life: my pony for one. She made sure I went to youth group activities and such. She had a tough life herself as a child, and did the best she could raising me. I did not appreciate this, of course, until I was an adult.

At age twenty-one, I met my birth mother. She tried to find a place in my life but it was too late. My life was filled with my own family and the woman who was my real mother, who continued to be just that, until shortly before her death when her “family” took over her affairs. Even this did not change how I feel about my Mom nor do I believe it changed how she loved me and my children as her own.

At age thirty-eight, I found myself living in the same area as the youngest son from my first foster family. I stopped in to visit. I don’t know what he felt when we hugged that day, but I felt a physical shock of recognition hitting my chest. This was my long lost brother! Time and circumstances did not change that. I’m not sure his wife ever understood this until the day I stopped in and the rest of the family was there, well most of them, all but the oldest son. The youngest daughter who was walked down the isle at her brother’s wedding in the crook of her dad’s arm was so excited to meet me! The”missing (family name)”. The sibling she had never met. You see, she grew up with that family, hearing stories of me.

Recently, the oldest son lost his wife . I was honored that I was personally invited to and welcomed at her memorial service. Even though it was a sad time for him, for me it was a wonderful opportunity to see them all and others I had not seen in 40 years. It was also my pleasure to meet their children and grandchildren. As fate often does, it has placed his son and his family just a half an hour from where I live. His late wife had started a Facebook page before she died, where friends and family could connect. On this page I met her daughter-in-love. We have become friends, too. Recently I did child care while these two went out for the evening.

I’m not sure how much notice the original foster family had that my father was coming to get me. When I saw them a couple of months ago, my foster Dad said they probably should have tried harder to adopt me, but they would have had to prove that he was unfit. They did not realize how easy that would have been. My former foster Mom said, when I saw the family as an adult years ago, that she was fearful that the whole emotional and legal process would have pulled her away from the needs of the other children. She had just nursed three of us thru the chicken pox and measles …not much fun, I’m sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank my friend so much for her candid and very thoughtful interview. She is a very caring, loving and devoted mother to her two sons, whom she did raise herself, and grandmother to their families. She is very connected to her non-biological “relatives”, and refers to them as, “my niece”, or “my brother”. They are just as close to her. My friend would probably say that her values sprang from what a great mother she had in her father’s former girlfriend: a woman who simply loved her as her own, unconditionally, through thick and thin. I can truly say that my friend is surrounded by an extended family that was created not by biology, but by pure Love. She can add me, too! She’s stuck with me.

Written by Keadie

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Jill and Jon have gone through several miscarriages and rounds of IVF. They have approximately $20,ooo left. They’ve decided their funding will either be exhausted by continued attempts with IVF; or, they’ll bet on a sure thing with putting their monies into adoption. They feel as though they’ve been through the mire. They’ve been married 6yrs, have good jobs and feel good about making a decision toward something that will have a happy ending. (Adoption)

But before that happy ending can happen, Jill and Jon will have to undergo a grueling test of just how much they really WANT to have a baby in their home.

How?

By going down the long road of proving themselves worthy to adopt and parent children. This task of proving themselves will put them through one of the toughest journeys of their lives. The process is one of the most ‘one-sided events’ they’ll ever undertake. And, unless they’re well educated and well read, it’s very possible that they’ll lose a considerable amount of money before they have a newborn in their arms…..

Before anyone can legally adopt a baby, they have to have a completed home study conducted. This document is essential to adopt domestically and internationally. The cost for a domestic home study often ranges from $1500.00 – $2000.00. (An international home study often costs more.) The home study involves individual interviews with the prospective parent; interviews with both parents; written referrals from friends, relatives, bosses, and sometimes, their pastor. It will require that the hopeful adoptive couple submit to full disclosure of their tax forms, their loans, expenses, their monthly budget and any other additional income or debts they might have. They’ll be asked if they have a will, life insurance and a designated person to parent their child should both of them die at the same time.

It will require them to write out a biography of their lives and how they met; how long they dated and what kinds of issues they might have dealt with—prior to and post marriage– that were easy or difficult. They’ll have to answer questions about their parents’ discipline; talk about their own ideas concerning children; how their expanded family feels about adoption and how good their sex life is—or is not. They’ll also be required to discuss their failed IVF treatments; whether they think they’re ready to have a baby through adoption and why they think they should be allowed to adopt at all. Oftentimes, their boss will have to submit a letter discussing how well they perform their job and how long they’ve been employed with that job.

If their state requires a foster license in order to adopt across state lines, they’ll have to complete 16 hours of PRIDE or MAPP classes meant for parents of foster children (even if their child won‘t be a foster child). These classes will include discussions and assignments about behavior disorders, sexual and physical abuse of children, how to discuss adoption with older children, and specific mental issues more often seen in older adopted children who‘ve been through the foster care system.

They’ll have to submit to a state (and sometimes national) background and fingerprint check; oftentimes, a CPR class; and usually one or more parenting classes. Sometimes, there are classes designed to explain a recurrent theory holding that even when their child is adopted, they should understand the child is actually not ‘theirs’, but still belonging to the biological family—whether their child will feel actually feel that way or not. (State foster care systems like to remind parents of the theory that most children will long for their biological family……a theory that oftentimes is not true.)

In short, Jill and Jon will have to expose their innermost feelings, insecurities and strengths about themselves, each other and those in their extended family; then allow others to tell them HOW and WHY those thought processes are either correct or need correction…depending on who their instructors are.

Through all of this, will be a casework who will write out the home study and sometimes put his/her own spin on what’s being said or written by Jill and Jon. More often than not, the caseworker will be a complete stranger to the hopeful adoptive couple. ( It’s been our own experience, that most caseworkers have been unmarried with no children and certainly have never been through the adoption process.)

Sound overwhelming? It can be. Yet this is just the beginning of an adoption journey.

Compare the above then, with those who choose to get pregnant (or can easily get pregnant).

How many documents does a pregnant couple have to fill out? Does anyone ask about their family background? Do they submit to background checks? (In fact, those convicted of sexual offenses continue to have the right to pro-create.) Does anyone ask them what their plans are for discipline or whether they have a Will or someone to parent their children should both of them die at the same time? Do they have to worry their insurance won’t pay for the pregnancy or the birth of their child?

If getting pregnant takes longer than they’d hoped, will the hopeful pregnant couple need to update their family history as adopting couples do every year (and sometimes, every six months)? Barring IVF treatments, will the hopefully pregnant couple have to pay monies to apply for the possibility of having a child? (Adoptive couples can pay thousands in application fees and possible situations.)

Sound unfair? It is!

Certainly, getting pregnant is actually a lot easier and less expensive in many ways than adoption. Yet for those who desire to adopt, this scenario is just a brief listing of the various hoops and loops hopeful parents must go through in order to find their baby to adopt.

It’s frustrating, unfair and oftentimes, those in waiting will want to throw in the towel and quit altogether. But, there are ways to help make the process a little easier, a little less expensive and stressful.

In part two, I’ll discuss the various ways adoptive couples can venture through the adoption journey without losing hope of finding/adopting a baby—and without losing their minds in the process.

Written with a lot of experience, by Linny

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What makes that difference between good and horrible?

With my kids (half bio. siblings), the difference was what age they were removed from their abuser, how many foster homes they were in and how they were treated by their foster families. My kids would make a perfect case study because you can actually document how each of those factors play a role in their lives. J was removed from their abusive home at 9 months, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) and both of those families loved and nurtured her as if she was their own. J is now an emotionally healthy, loving 11 year old who is smart, compassionate and thoughtful. S was removed from her abuser on her 4th birthday, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) but the first family that she lived with treated her like an outsider. C was removed from his abuser at 6 and spent his first year in foster care in four foster homes because he was so angry nobody wanted him. He was never given the opportunity to bond with anyone and that permanently damaged him.

What advice could you offer to me as I assess these children & situations?

Read 15 Questions For An Older Child Adoption on the Forever Parents blog. Linny wrote it a while ago and it’s a very helpful tool in assessing a situation.
Read some of the posts in the Older Child category on the Forever Parents blog. Look in the left sidebar for the category listings.
Read Adopting The Hurt Child by Gergory Keck. You can follow the link and buy it through our adoption shop. In my opinion, this is the most honest book about older child adoption out there and is still on my book shelf. The companion book is Parenting The Hurt Child and is a book I refer to often, even after six years.

What can I know now that will help me better understand the children true abilities/challenges/struggles?

Every child is different. C is still struggling with a lot of the same issues that we dealt with the first year. Nothing I do seems to make a difference, and that is so incredibly frustrating. I have come to the realization that I’ve done all I can and the rest is up to him. S healed from so many of her issues and then BAM…out of no where some of them started to crop back up. I know that kids who have been through abuse and trauma revisit a lot of issues later on, but it’s so hard when I’ve already seen the light at the end of her tunnel with her. Are you prepared for the possibility that they may never 100% heal and that you will become the target of their hurt and anger?

What about you? I’d love to hear from some of our readers. How would you answer her questions, based on your own experiences?

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To adopt a baby/child from a private agency or attorney, I would suggest the following:

1. Seriously sit down and create a list of what you’re hoping for. Be honest with yourself. Believe me when I say that there are families for every baby. Don’t adopt across ethnic lines unless you’re prepared to deal with this easily. Don’t adopt a special needs baby unless you’re prepared to educate yourself on the various issues associated with this type of scenario and deal with special needs issues LIFE long. Stay with this list and don’t deviate unless you’ve done a lot of research and feel you can go beyond what you originally set for yourself.
Unlike birth, adoption usually allows you to choose specific special needs, gender and ethnicity.

2. Consider how much money you have to spend on adoption fees. Ask most parents who adopted domestically through private agencies/attorneys and they’ll probably tell you they had to turn down at least one situation because the fees weren’t in their price range. Realize that if you’re not even close to the fees most agencies/attorneys are charging these days, you’ll need to find ways to fund your adoption. Realize that even with the best planning, there can still be expenses you’d not expected. Be sure to have extra emergency funds, or know where you can borrow money if need be.

3. You’ll need a home study. Sit down with the phonebook and look up various agencies or attorneys in your area. If you live in a more isolated area, google “Adoption agencies in X area” and a list will be available for you. Copy that list. Sit down with the list, phone, pen and paper. Phone each agency/attorney and ask what they charge for a homestudy, do they network with other agencies/attorneys to find situations, if they charge a placement fee and if there are any additional charges.

4. Your home study will take approximately three months to complete. Sometimes this is done more quickly; sometimes it may take longer. The home study will consist of several things, not the least of which will be physicals (for you and spouse or partner); references, fingerprints, background checks and more. Realize that most of the time, your completed home study belongs to you! After all, you‘ve paid to have it done. While you may not be privy to everything written in it (most are, but some agencies are private about this), you should be free to have it sent to other agencies/attorneys if another situation should arise where you could be presented as a possible adoptive parent/s. It would be wise to ask an agency/attorney if they’ll allow you to have your home study sent (by them) to other situations from other agencies/attorneys. (A few agencies will only allow their clients to work within their own network. I would personally only choose one that allows its clients to network on their own and with other agencies/attorneys.)

6. It can be said that in order to help find your baby through a private agency or attorney, you’ll need to be proactive. By that, I mean it would serve you well to become active with online adoption groups (such as our own adoption support forums) to discuss agencies/attorneys and various avenues to find resources. You may find it overwhelming, but membership to a good online support system can go a long way to find a reputable adoption agency/attorney.
Other sites which may be helpful to find a reputable agency or attorney are:

http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/

http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/

To adopt from your state’s foster care system, I would suggest the following:

1. Just like adopting privately, sit down and decide the age, ethnicity and special needs of a child you want to adopt. This is especially important when adopting a child from the foster care system. A lot of children in the system have been sexually abused, endured physical abuse and/or have, or are still experiencing attachment difficulties. These issues should not be underestimated. Adopting a child from the foster care system requires a different type of parenting than the parenting required for infant adoption. Therefore, to adopt from the state, additional classes and education are often necessary to learn the skills and techniques to parent a child who’s been traumatized, hurt or simply left in the system too long. Be prepared. These children require more than love, patience and a parent/s. It’s often a good idea for those parenting these children to have a strong support system to confide in, as well as therapeutic resources to refer to.

2. Contact your local Department of Child and Family Services office and inquire about their educational classes that most states require prior to having a home study conducted before you can adopt. Your state may refer to this office as child protective services or child and family services, or some combination of those words. Each state is called something different.

3. Most of the educational classes will take between 4 and 8 weeks to complete (one meeting per week) . Realize right up front that adopting through the state foster care system often goes very slowly. The classes will contain topics such as how to deal with cross-ethnicity, how to parent a child who’s been sexually abused, and many more topics addressing the unique nature of adopting through the state foster care system. Additionally, these sessions will address the ages of children and specific issues that can arise with each age.
Along with classes from the state, I would strongly suggest a visit to a support group for parents who’ve adopted children from the foster care system. This type of group will be an invaluable resource to learn skills and techniques for parenting these special children.

4. Once you’ve completed the required classes (often referred to as MAPP or PRIDE classes, depending on which part of the nation you live in), a caseworker will be assigned to conduct your home study as well as help you in networking to find a an adoptable child through the foster care system. A state foster-to-adopt home study is free of charge as is adoption through the foster care system. Additionally, when/if you receive a child/baby through the foster care system, the child will usually receive a state Medicaid card to pay for medical expenses.

5. Realize that once you’ve completed your home study with the state foster care system, that home study cannot be used for a private adoption situation. While some agencies/attorneys will use the state foster-to-adopt home study as a guide to create a new home study for a private situation, very rarely would the state study be acceptable for a private agency.

6. Once you’ve completed all of the necessary paperwork, fingerprints, background clearances, and have a completed home study through the state, there are other ways to network to find your child. Many organizations are set up, free of charge to your state agency and you, in the hopes of finding families for adoptable children throughout the 50 states.

Adopt America Network
Dave Thomas Foundation
AdoptUS Kids
Each state has it’s own website for children as well:

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/waiting/photolists.html

I hope these suggestions can help. Additional information can also be found by visiting our Adoption Questions and Information forums at Forever Parents.

Written by Linny

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What type of infant you’re hoping to adopt will most certainly make considerable difference in what you will pay. Always remember that adoption IS a business…as much as many of us hate to admit this. With that knowledge, hopeful adoptive couples can be prepared to realize adoption agencies/attorneys also run their businesses in order TO make money (some more than others). Who *you* conduct business with will make all the difference in the world.

First, if you’re looking to adopt an infant through an agency or attorney who’ll do the searching for you within the United States, be prepared to do some research and understand this VERY important point:

There are always exceptions to the rules.

Following is a listing with some of the basic adoption expenses for adoptive couples. Keep in mind this is a generalization. As I mentioned earlier, remember that adoption is a business; that the type of adoption you’re hoping for will impact how much you’ll pay; and most importantly, there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rules when considering the cost of adoption in the United States.

The Private’ Homestudy: A document prepared by a recognized agent/agency in your home state that gives detailed account of your life and those who live with you; your values, beliefs on many topics, your community, education and expectations of raising a child. This is generally done through home visits and interviews with you, your significant other, any children already in the home and oftentimes, interviews with both adults and/or existing children in the home. Generally, personal and work-related references are required. Sometimes, references from a pastor are required as well.
Cost: Approximately $1,000.00 – 2,000.00

Your home study must be completed before you’ll be allowed to adopt at all. I’m told that some states allow the completion of a home study AFTER a baby/child has been placed into your home—especially if an independent adoption is being performed….but this varies incredibly state to state.

An Adoption Attorney: If you’re going through an adoption attorney, it’s often recommended to consult and hire one that belongs to The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (or Quad A attorneys). A Quad A member can be found at this website: http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/ While there are other adoption attorneys who can conduct an adoption, Quad A attorneys are to uphold a high standard of ethics and up-to-date-knowledge concerning adoption law. In my opinion, hiring a Quad A attorney is one more assurance that the adoption will/should be done in an ethical and legal manner.
An Estimation for legal services will also depend on whether the attorney is networking for adoptive parents in seeking out potential expectant women considering adoption, working with an agency directly or in-directly, or simply conducting the legal adoption paperwork once a baby has already been placed with the adoptive parents.
Estimated Cost when networking as well as conducting legal work: $ 5,000.-$10,000.
Estimated Cost when networking, child placement fees and legal work for the adoption: $ 10,000 and up.

The Adoption Agency: A entity licensed by the state that’s recognized to legally place a child with a home studied and approved-to-adopt family. Some agencies will contract out to have home studies conducted; others often have their own caseworkers who conduct the home study process. An adoption agency should be one the adoptive family feels completely comfortable with. The agency is sometimes ‘not-for-profit’; ‘for-profit’, and sometimes affiliated with a certain religious faith. (Note: Not all religiously affiliated agencies require their clients to be members of that particular sect of faith: For instance, Catholic Charities will work with non-Catholic persons.)

Adoption Agencies often network with other agencies and attorneys to find potential expectant women/couples who are considering adoption. Each agency is as individual as could be imagined. Each agency has their own specific requirements, fees, and times in which to collect those fees. Fees charged for home studies are often separate fees from those of ‘child placement, post-placement visits and other expenses.

For instance, (assuming you already have a home study conducted) some agencies will ask for initial money to ‘register’ with them. (Fees can range from $150.00 to $500 and beyond.)
Then, if you’re into their program and willing to “Match”—pre-birth with an expectant woman, monies might be asked at that time. (Fees can range from $0 – $10,000.)
And then, should the expectant woman continue through with her adoption plan, the balance of the entire adoption will be required once the baby is born and releases for adoption have been signed.
Generally, an ethical adoption agency will charge anywhere from $5,000.- 15,000 in child placement fees. This does not include the cost of the home study, any possible expenses to the birthmother, any possible medical expenses or post-placement visits once the baby has been placed in your home.

The Post-Placement Visit: Once you have a baby/child placed in your home, states require the supervising agency to conduct post-placement visits to see how the baby and your family are adjusting to each other. The amount of visits is determined by your agency as well as the state in which you reside. Additionally, if you live outside of the pre-determined area of the agency, you’re often charged for mileage.
Usually, expect anywhere from 1-4 visits.
Estimated fee for *each* post-placement visit: $150-250.

At this point, you might be wondering why there’s such a vast range in fees. In this article , I’ve only skimmed the surface relating to the expenses for adopting a baby from an adoption agency or attorney within the United States. In a following article, I’ll write about the different variables that can easily change the amount of money a family can spend to adopt.

Written by Linny

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Children who have waited in the Foster system have a traumatic past. That past involved the state trying to reunify the family under hardship circumstances until it became clear that keeping the biological family together was not in the child’s best interests. Any child, no matter how young, who has a traumatic past will bring the dynamics of that past to your home. They will react to their past in a myriad of ways, and they will act out what was done to them upon any younger children in your home. Having a huge heart and open arms, ready to love these children is not enough. There are required classes in raising hurt children. There is required reading. It would be necessary to network yourselves with specialists, counselors, other adoptive families, educational professionals: all people who will listen, offer help when you need it, and stand up for you should a hurt child make false allegations against you.

It is not the least expensive way to adopt even though the adoption process itself is free. The people who successfully raise children from the System have battle scars, but the victories are sweet. Baby steps. Increments of positive behaviors and constructive growth. These children need structure, need to know that you’ll be there in the long haul when they’ve taken out all their frustrations on you. They will test you repeatedly. It’s not for the weak of heart. You will earn their trust, earn their respect. It has been said that it takes the entire age of the child when first entering your home, to undo the problems of the past so that the child, or by that time, adult, can move forward.

If you feel that you are that special kind of preadoptive parent who can take on these issues, you will undergo training and have an extensive homestudy done. The homestudy for these children is necessarily more invasive in order to prevent these kids from further emotional or situational trauma. You may be required to obtain a Foster license if any children placed in your home are not legally free for adoption. This happens especially with very young children as the reunification process is undertaken. Emotionally, you have to be the kind of person who can love a child unconditionally but accept that the intent of Foster Care is reunification with the biological family. Your home will need to pass a safety checklist such as hand railings, fire escape, and water quality. It may be requested that these children be the youngest in the home and that an adult is at home all day. There will be child-specific considerations as well. These children are considered special needs. Their medical and psychological needs will be more significant than that of others.

Contact of some kind with birth relatives is becoming standard with domestic infant adoption. It can also occur with waiting children. They may have siblings and relatives with whom they have attached, but who are unable to raise them.

While waiting children are identified prior to adoption through photolistings, mailings by your state appointed social worker, or through notebooks kept at your state’s Human Services offices, private newborn adoption occurs after an expectant mother considering adoption chooses your profile out of many at your agency. A match is made after you have agreed to the circumstances of the situation, the medical records, and the birthmother’s level of contact desired.

Your profile consists of photos of you, your family members, your home, perhaps your closest friends, what you like to do, your town, school etc. There are printed along with written information underneath, and the sheets are then protected with clear covers, put in a binder, and attractively presented. You will need to make about 5-6 of these for your agency to share. Expectant mothers considering adoption will look for things about your family which they like. The choices are as individual as the women. This profile is where you can present yourself, your beliefs, and what matters to you.

People seeking to adopt newborns also undergo a home study, which is written after several meetings with a caseworker both at her office and in your home. You’ll have references and a doctor’s statement, among other things. There will also be an application to adopt through that agency. Unless you are seeking to adopt a child with special needs (and you will be asked many questions as to what your comfort level is with regard to a baby’s health and exposure in utero to various things), specific details as to how you would care for a child with those special considerations would not be asked of you. Your home study would identify that you are approved to adopt a certain age, sex, etc. child. You will be asked to read a few books on adoptive parenting, and maybe discuss one of them with the caseworker. Reading is encouraged by all forms of adoption. The more that you know, the more informed that you are, the better equipped you will be to undertake this amazing responsibility of being an adoptive parent.

Written by Keadie

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“He is medically fragile and when we learned that he would not be able to return to his birth parents and that they couldn’t find a home for him, our hearts just broke,” Stephanie Hayes said. It not only broke their hearts, it spurred them to action. The Hayes decided that Jaylan should have a permanent home and they went up to UAB Medical Center to get their son.

Doctors predicted that the now 30-month-old Jaylan wouldn’t make it, but he is thriving under the care of his parents. And they’re enjoying the love that he’s brought to their home. Henry said Jaylan could have never gotten the care that he needed if it weren’t for foster care, and that’s why it’s so important that more people open their homes and become foster parents.

State officials hope more people in Alabama will hear that message and be spurred to action. The state celebrated a milestone of finalizing 676 adoptions in fiscal 2009, more than it has ever had before. Many of the adoptions were by families such as the Hayeses, who were already caring for foster children.

Department of Human Resources Commissioner Nancy Buckner said that creates not only a need for more families willing to adopt, but more families willing to provide foster care for children. There are 650 children in foster care who are waiting for their adoptions to be finalized, and there are more than 250 children waiting for someone to step forward and say that they will adopt a child.

“We are spreading the message that there is an urgency for permanency,” Buckner said. It’s a message that Laura Murdock and Mary Williams, both of Montgomery, heeded. Murdock provided foster care for two little boys and when they became eligible for adoption, she said it was the best decision for everyone. The boys had been back and forth between her home and that of a family member’s, and she wanted them with her forever. “I’d had them off and on since they were little,” she said. “We just fell in love with each other and that was it.”

Williams said being a foster parent is one of the best decisions that she ever made. Back in 2002 she opened her home to four siblings, and when they became eligible for adoption she jumped at the chance to give them a permanent home. Those children are now 18, 16 and the twins are 15, and Williams said she’s ready to start all over again. “They’ve brought a lot of joy to my life and they’ve just been a wonderful blessing,” she said.

To learn more about foster care or adoptions in the state of Alabama, call 1-800-4AL-KIDS. or visit their site.

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