Written by Linny

If you keep an eye on adoption sites that feature children available for re-adoption, it would seem there are more and more children (adopted as older children), who’s adoptions are being dissolved. (By older child adoption, I’m referring to children 3 years old and up).

Having lived, and parented children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), children who‘s adoptions all failed in some way over time, I can fully understand a family’s plight. Living with children who must be watched 24/7 for fear of harming/killing other children is beyond exhaustive. Over time, it can change a parents’ mindset of ‘what’s normal and what’s not’. It can also make a parent doubt any and all decisions they make. Further, it’s not uncommon for parents of children with RAD to end up divorced; or at least suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

There is seldom any respite for a family raising a difficult child from the foster care system. Very often, there’re a lot of suggestions to help; but no real solid help for the families. The family then lives an isolated and lonely life where even ‘normal’ siblings suffer from the isolation at having a sister or brother who steals everything in sight, lies in the face of reality, or can’t be trusted to be around young children for fear of sexual inappropriateness.

However, some of our adoption forum members have had great experiences with older child adoptions. I’m not making light of the difficulty they’ve had in raising these children to become great kids, and certainly, there’s a huge difference in those children vs other children who’s adoptions are being dissolved or disrupted.

If you considering older child adoption, take heed. There are miracles and there are disasters. Education is key; but there’s more to it as well. I don’t think it’s ‘the gamble that just turned out well’, but more, the successful parents knew or sensed something ‘successful’ when they sought out and found their older children. Call it an internal sixth sense if you will, but something made the parents see a child as being able to bond and grow up successfully, and they did.

When we first saw/met our first-older child for adoption, IMMEDIATELY I felt something was very wrong. I really did. I couldn’t put my finger on it; he was such a funny and cute kid; but I didn’t feel good about fully adopting him; and my husband nd I talked often about ‘whether we should or shouldn’t’. I felt like I loved him; I wanted to love him more, but there was something that just wasn’t ‘right’ here, a type of distance in our relationship I’d never felt or seen before.

That doesn’t speak well for my character, does it, but it’s true. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were very torn as to whether we should proceed with adoption or not. Yet, we and some other family members thought we should, and I agreed, having moments where I thought, “This is going to be just fine; this is great.”.

He turned out to have severe RAD and eventually, wasn‘t able to stay in a traditional home environment. The state foster/adopt department literally lied to us about his past. (We found/have the paperwork to prove incredible fraud.) This type of thing is common, meaning, state foster to adopt departments are often NOT honest about disclosing full information with their ‘more difficult children to place’. It would seem, as some believe, the state adoption departments are more than anxious to put the burden of raising these children on someone else’s shoulders.

Even for the most experienced parent, there are many illnesses than require a lot of outside support. Sadly, most states are reluctant or refuse to give any support other than tell the parents they need to put monitors in place and ‘live with it’. (Very disturbing news for those who live with the threat of sexual abuse or assault.)
(Oddly enough, the state departments would quickly remove any biological child from a family who created the threat of harm, sexual assault or death to any family members. But, when the child is ‘one of theirs’ however, it seems the mindset changes?)

I personally feel no one should adopt our of birth order; and, I would caution anyone who wants to adopt from the system when they’ve already adopted infants, and plan to adopt *more* infants in the future. It should be a serious consideration, because when you adopt an older child from the system, it may also mean you’ll never be able to adopt again if the child’s behaviors are so bad that bringing in a baby would be a dangerous action to do.

Please be careful when wanting to adopt older children. Educate yourself beyond the general classes each state provides for foster to adopt certification. Those classes are usually quite mild, definitely biased, and don’t present a full scope of what living with an older adopted child with moderate to severe issues can be like. Usually, the parent takes the role of a caretaker and counselor more than the role of ‘just being able to enjoy parenting an older child’.

Is this true for every older child adoption?

Certainly not.

But it would be wise to carefully consider each older child on a case by case basis and not rush into any adoption finalization until the child has lived within your home for a very extended amount time.

Adoption disruption statistics
Individual studies throughout the United States are consistent in reporting disruption rates that range from about 10 to 25 percent.

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My Life As A Foster Child

Imagine from the time you are born, you have three siblings and two parents that you love. You play with your siblings and have lots of good times getting in trouble. Your brothers take the blame for things you do. You share everything with them: measles, chicken pox. Your Mom takes care of you through it all. Every day your Dad comes home from work and hugs you. Your whole family eats together at the supper table. The ideal family life.

Then one day, when you are 4 or 5 yrs old, you are sitting at the supper table and a man comes to the door. He tells you and only you it is time to go now. Time to go? Go where? This man is your biological father. You turn to the man who has raised you like his own and beg him not to let this man take you. But his only reply is, “There is nothing I can do.” You argue, “But I’m one of you!” and although they may feel the same, there is not one thing that this foster family can do to change things. You are torn, suddenly, from the only family you have known and forced to go with a man you do not know. In this case, a man who has no clue about parenting or what you are going through.

Although I do not remember the weeks and even years following this event, I do remember that day as though it were yesterday and I am now 56 yrs old. I remember begging my father to visit my family every time we passed their home, and we did visit from time to time over the years. Every time I would stop in, the other children would greet me as the long lost member of their family. As a teenager, I would go to youth group with the boys in the family. When I was fifteen, I attended the wedding of the oldest son. My former foster father walked down the aisle with the newest member of their family in the crook of his arm. That is the last time I saw them, until many many years later, mostly because of the path my own life took.

That was just the beginning of my life as a foster child. My father met a woman that we lived with until I was nine. This woman I came to know and love as “my mother”.When I was nine, she “interfered” in my schooling and once again I was torn from the one person who cared for me. My father was an alcoholic and the only real memories I have of him are related to that: Mom and I picking him up at a police station. Him driving drunk with my friend and me in the back of his panel truck. Him ripping my dress when I woke him to unbutton it in second grade and so on.

At first, my father and I lived alone, but not for long. Only a matter of months went by before we moved in with his new girlfriend and her two sons. That is another story. By age ten, I was back living with his old girlfriend, “my mother”. Dad had just left me with her one day. There were serious issues between one of Dad’s girlfriend’s sons and me, enough said. Dad moved away. We would drive long distance on weekends to visit him at my biological uncle’s home. Then, one day he was just gone. He had been involved in a drunk driving accident, so he left the state and I did not hear from him for a whole year. I was invited to travel by bus at age 11 (can you imagine?) to the mid-west to visit him. On the ride from the bus station to his house, I was informed that he was going to re-marry and she had two sons. This was April . They married in May. I returned for a summer visit in June. Does anyone else see the problem here? I was not there for the wedding.

I continued to live with the woman whom I called my mother through my most trying teen years. In fact, to say I was a troubled teen would be an understatement. I hated school, had few friends and basically got into all kinds of trouble. I remember my mother coming to a major city to pick me up one time when I ran away. One of several times. Another time my dad picked me up down South . I was 15 and very troubled . He took me to his house for a couple of days, but a judge suggested he let me go back to the woman I called mother, since he could not deal with me without physical violence. The judge kept me at this house for the weekend, and I flew home to her on Monday.

My mother was happy to have me back even though her friends told me she should not take me, because I would only cause her grief. I suppose they were right. I was always away in places that she never knew, until finally I became pregnant at 16. She never judged me for this faux pas, but allowed me to stay with her. I was her daughter after all. There was no Foster about it. She never received a penny from anyone to support me. She worked hard every day to put food on the table and clothes on my back and make sure I had some of the finer things in life: my pony for one. She made sure I went to youth group activities and such. She had a tough life herself as a child, and did the best she could raising me. I did not appreciate this, of course, until I was an adult.

At age twenty-one, I met my birth mother. She tried to find a place in my life but it was too late. My life was filled with my own family and the woman who was my real mother, who continued to be just that, until shortly before her death when her “family” took over her affairs. Even this did not change how I feel about my Mom nor do I believe it changed how she loved me and my children as her own.

At age thirty-eight, I found myself living in the same area as the youngest son from my first foster family. I stopped in to visit. I don’t know what he felt when we hugged that day, but I felt a physical shock of recognition hitting my chest. This was my long lost brother! Time and circumstances did not change that. I’m not sure his wife ever understood this until the day I stopped in and the rest of the family was there, well most of them, all but the oldest son. The youngest daughter who was walked down the isle at her brother’s wedding in the crook of her dad’s arm was so excited to meet me! The”missing (family name)”. The sibling she had never met. You see, she grew up with that family, hearing stories of me.

Recently, the oldest son lost his wife . I was honored that I was personally invited to and welcomed at her memorial service. Even though it was a sad time for him, for me it was a wonderful opportunity to see them all and others I had not seen in 40 years. It was also my pleasure to meet their children and grandchildren. As fate often does, it has placed his son and his family just a half an hour from where I live. His late wife had started a Facebook page before she died, where friends and family could connect. On this page I met her daughter-in-love. We have become friends, too. Recently I did child care while these two went out for the evening.

I’m not sure how much notice the original foster family had that my father was coming to get me. When I saw them a couple of months ago, my foster Dad said they probably should have tried harder to adopt me, but they would have had to prove that he was unfit. They did not realize how easy that would have been. My former foster Mom said, when I saw the family as an adult years ago, that she was fearful that the whole emotional and legal process would have pulled her away from the needs of the other children. She had just nursed three of us thru the chicken pox and measles …not much fun, I’m sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank my friend so much for her candid and very thoughtful interview. She is a very caring, loving and devoted mother to her two sons, whom she did raise herself, and grandmother to their families. She is very connected to her non-biological “relatives”, and refers to them as, “my niece”, or “my brother”. They are just as close to her. My friend would probably say that her values sprang from what a great mother she had in her father’s former girlfriend: a woman who simply loved her as her own, unconditionally, through thick and thin. I can truly say that my friend is surrounded by an extended family that was created not by biology, but by pure Love. She can add me, too! She’s stuck with me.

Written by Keadie

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Jill and Jon have gone through several miscarriages and rounds of IVF. They have approximately $20,ooo left. They’ve decided their funding will either be exhausted by continued attempts with IVF; or, they’ll bet on a sure thing with putting their monies into adoption. They feel as though they’ve been through the mire. They’ve been married 6yrs, have good jobs and feel good about making a decision toward something that will have a happy ending. (Adoption)

But before that happy ending can happen, Jill and Jon will have to undergo a grueling test of just how much they really WANT to have a baby in their home.

How?

By going down the long road of proving themselves worthy to adopt and parent children. This task of proving themselves will put them through one of the toughest journeys of their lives. The process is one of the most ‘one-sided events’ they’ll ever undertake. And, unless they’re well educated and well read, it’s very possible that they’ll lose a considerable amount of money before they have a newborn in their arms…..

Before anyone can legally adopt a baby, they have to have a completed home study conducted. This document is essential to adopt domestically and internationally. The cost for a domestic home study often ranges from $1500.00 – $2000.00. (An international home study often costs more.) The home study involves individual interviews with the prospective parent; interviews with both parents; written referrals from friends, relatives, bosses, and sometimes, their pastor. It will require that the hopeful adoptive couple submit to full disclosure of their tax forms, their loans, expenses, their monthly budget and any other additional income or debts they might have. They’ll be asked if they have a will, life insurance and a designated person to parent their child should both of them die at the same time.

It will require them to write out a biography of their lives and how they met; how long they dated and what kinds of issues they might have dealt with—prior to and post marriage– that were easy or difficult. They’ll have to answer questions about their parents’ discipline; talk about their own ideas concerning children; how their expanded family feels about adoption and how good their sex life is—or is not. They’ll also be required to discuss their failed IVF treatments; whether they think they’re ready to have a baby through adoption and why they think they should be allowed to adopt at all. Oftentimes, their boss will have to submit a letter discussing how well they perform their job and how long they’ve been employed with that job.

If their state requires a foster license in order to adopt across state lines, they’ll have to complete 16 hours of PRIDE or MAPP classes meant for parents of foster children (even if their child won‘t be a foster child). These classes will include discussions and assignments about behavior disorders, sexual and physical abuse of children, how to discuss adoption with older children, and specific mental issues more often seen in older adopted children who‘ve been through the foster care system.

They’ll have to submit to a state (and sometimes national) background and fingerprint check; oftentimes, a CPR class; and usually one or more parenting classes. Sometimes, there are classes designed to explain a recurrent theory holding that even when their child is adopted, they should understand the child is actually not ‘theirs’, but still belonging to the biological family—whether their child will feel actually feel that way or not. (State foster care systems like to remind parents of the theory that most children will long for their biological family……a theory that oftentimes is not true.)

In short, Jill and Jon will have to expose their innermost feelings, insecurities and strengths about themselves, each other and those in their extended family; then allow others to tell them HOW and WHY those thought processes are either correct or need correction…depending on who their instructors are.

Through all of this, will be a casework who will write out the home study and sometimes put his/her own spin on what’s being said or written by Jill and Jon. More often than not, the caseworker will be a complete stranger to the hopeful adoptive couple. ( It’s been our own experience, that most caseworkers have been unmarried with no children and certainly have never been through the adoption process.)

Sound overwhelming? It can be. Yet this is just the beginning of an adoption journey.

Compare the above then, with those who choose to get pregnant (or can easily get pregnant).

How many documents does a pregnant couple have to fill out? Does anyone ask about their family background? Do they submit to background checks? (In fact, those convicted of sexual offenses continue to have the right to pro-create.) Does anyone ask them what their plans are for discipline or whether they have a Will or someone to parent their children should both of them die at the same time? Do they have to worry their insurance won’t pay for the pregnancy or the birth of their child?

If getting pregnant takes longer than they’d hoped, will the hopeful pregnant couple need to update their family history as adopting couples do every year (and sometimes, every six months)? Barring IVF treatments, will the hopefully pregnant couple have to pay monies to apply for the possibility of having a child? (Adoptive couples can pay thousands in application fees and possible situations.)

Sound unfair? It is!

Certainly, getting pregnant is actually a lot easier and less expensive in many ways than adoption. Yet for those who desire to adopt, this scenario is just a brief listing of the various hoops and loops hopeful parents must go through in order to find their baby to adopt.

It’s frustrating, unfair and oftentimes, those in waiting will want to throw in the towel and quit altogether. But, there are ways to help make the process a little easier, a little less expensive and stressful.

In part two, I’ll discuss the various ways adoptive couples can venture through the adoption journey without losing hope of finding/adopting a baby—and without losing their minds in the process.

Written with a lot of experience, by Linny

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To adopt a baby/child from a private agency or attorney, I would suggest the following:

1. Seriously sit down and create a list of what you’re hoping for. Be honest with yourself. Believe me when I say that there are families for every baby. Don’t adopt across ethnic lines unless you’re prepared to deal with this easily. Don’t adopt a special needs baby unless you’re prepared to educate yourself on the various issues associated with this type of scenario and deal with special needs issues LIFE long. Stay with this list and don’t deviate unless you’ve done a lot of research and feel you can go beyond what you originally set for yourself.
Unlike birth, adoption usually allows you to choose specific special needs, gender and ethnicity.

2. Consider how much money you have to spend on adoption fees. Ask most parents who adopted domestically through private agencies/attorneys and they’ll probably tell you they had to turn down at least one situation because the fees weren’t in their price range. Realize that if you’re not even close to the fees most agencies/attorneys are charging these days, you’ll need to find ways to fund your adoption. Realize that even with the best planning, there can still be expenses you’d not expected. Be sure to have extra emergency funds, or know where you can borrow money if need be.

3. You’ll need a home study. Sit down with the phonebook and look up various agencies or attorneys in your area. If you live in a more isolated area, google “Adoption agencies in X area” and a list will be available for you. Copy that list. Sit down with the list, phone, pen and paper. Phone each agency/attorney and ask what they charge for a homestudy, do they network with other agencies/attorneys to find situations, if they charge a placement fee and if there are any additional charges.

4. Your home study will take approximately three months to complete. Sometimes this is done more quickly; sometimes it may take longer. The home study will consist of several things, not the least of which will be physicals (for you and spouse or partner); references, fingerprints, background checks and more. Realize that most of the time, your completed home study belongs to you! After all, you‘ve paid to have it done. While you may not be privy to everything written in it (most are, but some agencies are private about this), you should be free to have it sent to other agencies/attorneys if another situation should arise where you could be presented as a possible adoptive parent/s. It would be wise to ask an agency/attorney if they’ll allow you to have your home study sent (by them) to other situations from other agencies/attorneys. (A few agencies will only allow their clients to work within their own network. I would personally only choose one that allows its clients to network on their own and with other agencies/attorneys.)

6. It can be said that in order to help find your baby through a private agency or attorney, you’ll need to be proactive. By that, I mean it would serve you well to become active with online adoption groups (such as our own adoption support forums) to discuss agencies/attorneys and various avenues to find resources. You may find it overwhelming, but membership to a good online support system can go a long way to find a reputable adoption agency/attorney.
Other sites which may be helpful to find a reputable agency or attorney are:

http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/

http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/

To adopt from your state’s foster care system, I would suggest the following:

1. Just like adopting privately, sit down and decide the age, ethnicity and special needs of a child you want to adopt. This is especially important when adopting a child from the foster care system. A lot of children in the system have been sexually abused, endured physical abuse and/or have, or are still experiencing attachment difficulties. These issues should not be underestimated. Adopting a child from the foster care system requires a different type of parenting than the parenting required for infant adoption. Therefore, to adopt from the state, additional classes and education are often necessary to learn the skills and techniques to parent a child who’s been traumatized, hurt or simply left in the system too long. Be prepared. These children require more than love, patience and a parent/s. It’s often a good idea for those parenting these children to have a strong support system to confide in, as well as therapeutic resources to refer to.

2. Contact your local Department of Child and Family Services office and inquire about their educational classes that most states require prior to having a home study conducted before you can adopt. Your state may refer to this office as child protective services or child and family services, or some combination of those words. Each state is called something different.

3. Most of the educational classes will take between 4 and 8 weeks to complete (one meeting per week) . Realize right up front that adopting through the state foster care system often goes very slowly. The classes will contain topics such as how to deal with cross-ethnicity, how to parent a child who’s been sexually abused, and many more topics addressing the unique nature of adopting through the state foster care system. Additionally, these sessions will address the ages of children and specific issues that can arise with each age.
Along with classes from the state, I would strongly suggest a visit to a support group for parents who’ve adopted children from the foster care system. This type of group will be an invaluable resource to learn skills and techniques for parenting these special children.

4. Once you’ve completed the required classes (often referred to as MAPP or PRIDE classes, depending on which part of the nation you live in), a caseworker will be assigned to conduct your home study as well as help you in networking to find a an adoptable child through the foster care system. A state foster-to-adopt home study is free of charge as is adoption through the foster care system. Additionally, when/if you receive a child/baby through the foster care system, the child will usually receive a state Medicaid card to pay for medical expenses.

5. Realize that once you’ve completed your home study with the state foster care system, that home study cannot be used for a private adoption situation. While some agencies/attorneys will use the state foster-to-adopt home study as a guide to create a new home study for a private situation, very rarely would the state study be acceptable for a private agency.

6. Once you’ve completed all of the necessary paperwork, fingerprints, background clearances, and have a completed home study through the state, there are other ways to network to find your child. Many organizations are set up, free of charge to your state agency and you, in the hopes of finding families for adoptable children throughout the 50 states.

Adopt America Network
Dave Thomas Foundation
AdoptUS Kids
Each state has it’s own website for children as well:

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/waiting/photolists.html

I hope these suggestions can help. Additional information can also be found by visiting our Adoption Questions and Information forums at Forever Parents.

Written by Linny

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“Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Vardalos said. “I am happy to once again be a part of National Adoption Day. We were matched with our daughter through the U.S. foster care system, and my goal is to share information about the more than 120,000 foster care children in this country who are waiting for a family.”

Vardalos is an advocate for U.S. foster care adoption and took her cause to the public arena when she and her husband, actor Ian Gomez, adopted their daughter from foster care in 2008. She served as the National Adoption Day spokesperson in 2009.

“The good news is that on this day, thousands of children will be adopted into loving homes,” Vardalos added. “The sad news is there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. If your desire is to become a parent, please connect with your local foster family agency to find out how to give a home to a child. The process is simple, affordable and does not discriminate. This is how I became a mom — and the reason I’m smiling.”

Vardalos is active with the adoption organization, AdoptUSKids, aimed at recruiting and connecting foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States. “Nia’s personal story of foster care adoption is both heartwarming and encouraging,” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a founding sponsor of National Adoption Day. “She has selflessly and gracefully worked to spread awareness for foster care adoption, and the National Adoption Day Coalition is honored to have Nia as our national spokesperson again this year.”

This year on November 20, communities in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Guam will hold celebrations to finalize more than 4,500 foster care adoptions, bringing the total number of finalized adoptions as part of National Adoption Day to more than 35,000. Judges, attorneys, adoption agencies, adoption professionals and child advocates volunteer their time to finalize adoptions and celebrate all families who adopt. For more information about the events taking place and foster care adoption, please visit www.nationaladoptionday.org.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners: Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Freddie Mac Foundation, Annie E. Casey Foundation/Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and The Alliance for Children’s Rights.

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The American Civil Liberties Union of Florida is proud to announce that Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City star and LGBT rights advocate, will join us on Saturday, January 9, 2010 to kick off the ACLU’s three-year campaign to end Florida’s ban on adoption by gay and lesbian people.

The event, to be held poolside at South Beach’s luxurious Shore Club, will begin with a VIP reception at 7:15 p.m., followed by a press line, and the main event at 8:30 p.m. Further details on the press line will be available the first week of January. Details and tickets are available at www.aclufl.org/adoption

WHAT:
ACLU Adoption Campaign Kick-Off

WHEN:
Saturday, Jan. 9, 2010

WHERE:
Shore Club | 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach

WHO:
Cynthia Nixon
U.S. Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
Florida Senator Nan Rich
Florida Representative Mary Brandenburg
Howard Simon, ACLU of Florida Executive Director
Robert Rosenwald, ACLU-FL LGBT Advocacy Project Director
Martin Gill, ACLU plaintiff, father of two foster children for five years

The ACLU of Florida’s LGBT Advocacy Project and national ACLU LGBT Project sued the state on behalf of a North Miami man and two brothers who he had been fostering at the state’s request for four years – the only stable home the children have ever known. In a landmark November 2008 decision, a Miami judge ruled that the two boys, now ages five and nine, can remain with the adoptive father, who is gay. The State appealed to the Third District Court of Appeals, where the case has been argued. We are currently awaiting the court’s opinion.

In July 2009, The Tides Foundation’s State Equality Fund awarded a $240,000 grant to the American Civil Liberties Union Foundation of Florida’s Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (LGBT) Advocacy Project to fund a three-year public education and outreach campaign.

In addition, the John C. Graves Charitable Fund of the Community Foundation of Broward has provided a quarter of a million dollars to support the ACLU of Florida’s LGBT rights work since 2005, including the initial grant that seeded the LGBT Advocacy Project. Other significant support has come from The GLBT Community Projects Fund at Dade Community Foundation, and the Scott Opler Foundation. The ACLU’s Campaign to End Florida’s Adoption Ban is designed to support the ACLU’s lawsuit challenging the adoption ban by educating Floridians about the adoption ban and the negative impact it has on Florida’s children and families.

CONTACT:
Brandon Hensler, Director of Communications, (786) 363-2737 or media@aclufl.org

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, a signature program of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, began in April 2004 with 7 pilot sites and has grown to 120 grantees, operating in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Canada. The Foundation awards grants to local adoption agencies to hire recruiters and execute aggressive child-focused recruitment programs targeted exclusively on placed foster care children in loving, permanent adoptive families.

“We work very hard to raise funds in partnership with Wendy’s restaurants, distribute them effectively and hold our grantees accountable to achieve our mission of a family for every child,” said the Foundation’s executive director, Rita Soronen. “The investment in our Wendy’s Wonderful Kids program has resulted in the creation of an effective, replicable model to find families for the victims of child abuse and neglect who have been waiting the longest in U.S. foster care. To date, more than 1,000 children have been adopted as a result of the program.”

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a nonprofit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 150,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created in 1992 by Wendy’s founder, Dave Thomas, who was adopted as a child, the Foundation works to fulfill its mission by implementing result-driven national signature programs, awareness initiatives and advocacy efforts. The Foundation is driven by the vision that every child needs a permanent home and a loving family. To learn more, call 1-800-ASK-DTFA or visit www.DaveThomasFoundationforAdoption.org.

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In the beginning I felt it was important for my children to keep contact because they had so many people who came in and out of their lives in a short time and I wanted them to have a sense of familiarity. It ended up that we really enjoy their company, my kids love them and they love my kids…so it’s a win win situation for all of us.

Here’s a picture from 2007 of Shawna with Pat. This picture was taken at our annual Christmas party. We get together every year with Pat & Bill and also my kid’s former foster brother with his parents.

Also from 2007….that’s my son sitting against the wall.

This is Jacqueline and Bill from our 2008 Christmas party.

This was also from 2008 and is my daughters with their former foster brother (who was adopted the year after mine, by a couple in our area) with HIS biological brother, who his parents just recently adopted. Shawna is holding one of Pat & Bill’s current foster children. Isn’t he just adorable?

What about those of you that adopted through foster care? Do you keep in touch with any of your children’s former foster family?

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This one is from Linny, who is the co-administrator at our adoption forum.

People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

As a young child I knew I wanted to adopt. There was one TV commercial that played a lot when I was very young, and that made me really curious about adoption. My feelings that there are already too many people on the planet and many children/babies awaiting parents played a part in this. And finally, knowing that our family had some genetic issues (early onset of severe arthritis, diabetes) I didn’t feel were fair to pass on to biological children, played a part in wanting to adopt and choosing it as a first option.

What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)?

My husband and I adopted from agencies while we lived overseas in Okinawa, Japan. Our first two babies were born in Korea and Japan. Years later, we adopted older children through the foster care system—three CC boys in two separate adoptions. Years after that, we returned to domestic infant adoption and have adopted three AA babies in three separate adoptions over the last six years.

Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

Adopting internationally was something we took advantage of because we lived overseas. We went with adoption through the foster system, because, frankly, we felt we couldn’t afford to adopt any other way (we were wrong)…and we were always up front about this. We went back to domestic, transracial infant adoption, because we found out that it WAS possible to afford this type of adoption, as well as being totally disenchanted with older child adoption from the problems we encountered. Was it as we expected? The process: Ridiculously long and redundant by having to have tons of homestudies—over the years— by different agencies, that really could have been ‘copied’ to a great degree and simply added to. Was it as we expected? Adoption in general: Older child adoption–never as we had hoped. Mainly ‘nightmarish’ in our experiences. Infant adoption—wonderful.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Our experiences in older child adoption would take a very long time to write about and explain in entirety. Let’s just say that we were much too gullible in taking the first placement through an agency, and trusted the system far too much. In a nutshell, the first older child was fraudulently presented to us and vital information was withheld from us what would have made a huge difference in our decision to adopt him.

After four years and living with a child that presented dangerous behaviors to himself and others—our first older adopted child went into residential. After three years there, he had to be moved (request of the facility because he was too impulsive and aggressive) to another facility. After three years at the next facility, he was moved to yet, another facility where he resides to this day. He is now an adult and will, at some point, be able to walk out. He has changed in his behaviors–very, very little from the point we knew him at six years of age.

The next two older children lived with us for almost seven years until one decided to engage in very dangerous and illegal behaviors. He was a danger to our other children and was charged, arrested and convicted. We refused to allow him to come back into our home to endanger the younger children. We were prepared to separate our family if need be; in order to keep the younger children safe.

After many months and court battles (and a lot of $$ for our own attorney), the system realized he was dangerous and quite likely to behave this way again. They allowed us to sign him back over; and within one month, he went into a specialized residential facility. The third older child was so traumatized by the actions of the older one, he went to live part time with relatives. This part-time turned into full time and hence, he is adopted by these relatives. We continue to see him frequently and he is doing alright. We overcame the above obstacles with a lot of Faith in the Lord, support from relatives, counselors and friends. The last event (mentioned above) took a real toll that has taken a couple of years to really re-coup.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

Yes, we had support from friends and family—especially with the first two adoptions. In adopting through the system, there were several of each who felt we were taking a big risk (and sadly, they were correct). In deciding to adopt infants again…..our parents were hesitant, thinking we were too old and had been through enough emotionally. However, when we brought our babies home, they were quite happy for us and have been involved with our children.

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I think the process is ridiculously redundant. There are a lot of steps that overlap and take too much time. I think once a homestudy is performed by one agency, it is silly for the state to have to completely re-do another, instead of simply updating the material that’s already been written about!
I feel that too many adoptive couples—as well as society at large, believe adoption is ‘less than’ birth. I think our society continues to believe that ‘adoption’ is something that should only be perused once fertility is ruled out. I think this is too narrow minded. And, I believe that some agencies don’t interview and screen their hopeful adoptive couples well enough before allowing them to adopt—especially when the couple chooses to adopt transracially.

Do I think these changes will ever come to be? No. Our society values ‘birth’ too much, having the mindset that ‘when one gives birth, one is automatically a good parent’. This is why the foster care system children languish too long before permanency is found. I also think that too many insurance companies pay for extensive infertility treatments and such; but offer little to nothing for the couple who incur thousands of dollars to adopt. I find this unfair to adoptive couples…and not sure so much $$ should be applied for infertility treatments either.

Finally, I think adoption is too much of a business in money making for the wrong people and wrong reasons. In my thinking, there should/would be no such thing as ‘match money’ from the hopeful adoptive couple. Fees would only be paid for the actual paperwork, no living expenses for any birthparents, and absolutely no money paid until the baby was completely freed for adoption. With this, I think a lot of pressure to birthparents and broken hearts from the same and adoptive couples would be greatly reduced.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Our first baby was adopted over 25yrs ago. Our last baby came to us over six months ago. The conversations, beliefs and feelings are the same. We think any challenges adopted individuals face have a lot to do with the attitudes and feelings the adoptive parents have set before ‘them’ while they were growing up. We’ve always told our children they were adopted long before they could even understand what the word meant. We’ve always told them that when they are adults, they are free to search and seek out to meet any biological connections. We’ve always told them that we will give any assistance to help them connect with these people. And finally, the most spoken phrase and attitude we’ve expressed to our children is that ‘Adoption is just as—if not more special and important—than being birthed.’

Parenting is parenting. Good parenting is good parenting. If a couple perceive adoption as second best, I fear they will treat their adopted children as such. I think if they value and see their adopted child as a child ‘just as important, if not more so, than birthed’….then that child will more than likely grow up to be self-confident and secure concerning their perspective on ‘being adopted’.

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