Related posts

• Every Child Needs Love (0)
• Wendy’s Raised Over $1 Million for Adoption (2)
• Urge Senate To Reauthorize Adoption Incentive Program (0)
• Treat Dad To Frosty And Help Children In Foster Care (1)
• Thoughts on Transracial Adoption (1)

My Life As A Foster Child

Imagine from the time you are born, you have three siblings and two parents that you love. You play with your siblings and have lots of good times getting in trouble. Your brothers take the blame for things you do. You share everything with them: measles, chicken pox. Your Mom takes care of you through it all. Every day your Dad comes home from work and hugs you. Your whole family eats together at the supper table. The ideal family life.

Then one day, when you are 4 or 5 yrs old, you are sitting at the supper table and a man comes to the door. He tells you and only you it is time to go now. Time to go? Go where? This man is your biological father. You turn to the man who has raised you like his own and beg him not to let this man take you. But his only reply is, “There is nothing I can do.” You argue, “But I’m one of you!” and although they may feel the same, there is not one thing that this foster family can do to change things. You are torn, suddenly, from the only family you have known and forced to go with a man you do not know. In this case, a man who has no clue about parenting or what you are going through.

Although I do not remember the weeks and even years following this event, I do remember that day as though it were yesterday and I am now 56 yrs old. I remember begging my father to visit my family every time we passed their home, and we did visit from time to time over the years. Every time I would stop in, the other children would greet me as the long lost member of their family. As a teenager, I would go to youth group with the boys in the family. When I was fifteen, I attended the wedding of the oldest son. My former foster father walked down the aisle with the newest member of their family in the crook of his arm. That is the last time I saw them, until many many years later, mostly because of the path my own life took.

That was just the beginning of my life as a foster child. My father met a woman that we lived with until I was nine. This woman I came to know and love as “my mother”.When I was nine, she “interfered” in my schooling and once again I was torn from the one person who cared for me. My father was an alcoholic and the only real memories I have of him are related to that: Mom and I picking him up at a police station. Him driving drunk with my friend and me in the back of his panel truck. Him ripping my dress when I woke him to unbutton it in second grade and so on.

At first, my father and I lived alone, but not for long. Only a matter of months went by before we moved in with his new girlfriend and her two sons. That is another story. By age ten, I was back living with his old girlfriend, “my mother”. Dad had just left me with her one day. There were serious issues between one of Dad’s girlfriend’s sons and me, enough said. Dad moved away. We would drive long distance on weekends to visit him at my biological uncle’s home. Then, one day he was just gone. He had been involved in a drunk driving accident, so he left the state and I did not hear from him for a whole year. I was invited to travel by bus at age 11 (can you imagine?) to the mid-west to visit him. On the ride from the bus station to his house, I was informed that he was going to re-marry and she had two sons. This was April . They married in May. I returned for a summer visit in June. Does anyone else see the problem here? I was not there for the wedding.

I continued to live with the woman whom I called my mother through my most trying teen years. In fact, to say I was a troubled teen would be an understatement. I hated school, had few friends and basically got into all kinds of trouble. I remember my mother coming to a major city to pick me up one time when I ran away. One of several times. Another time my dad picked me up down South . I was 15 and very troubled . He took me to his house for a couple of days, but a judge suggested he let me go back to the woman I called mother, since he could not deal with me without physical violence. The judge kept me at this house for the weekend, and I flew home to her on Monday.

My mother was happy to have me back even though her friends told me she should not take me, because I would only cause her grief. I suppose they were right. I was always away in places that she never knew, until finally I became pregnant at 16. She never judged me for this faux pas, but allowed me to stay with her. I was her daughter after all. There was no Foster about it. She never received a penny from anyone to support me. She worked hard every day to put food on the table and clothes on my back and make sure I had some of the finer things in life: my pony for one. She made sure I went to youth group activities and such. She had a tough life herself as a child, and did the best she could raising me. I did not appreciate this, of course, until I was an adult.

At age twenty-one, I met my birth mother. She tried to find a place in my life but it was too late. My life was filled with my own family and the woman who was my real mother, who continued to be just that, until shortly before her death when her “family” took over her affairs. Even this did not change how I feel about my Mom nor do I believe it changed how she loved me and my children as her own.

At age thirty-eight, I found myself living in the same area as the youngest son from my first foster family. I stopped in to visit. I don’t know what he felt when we hugged that day, but I felt a physical shock of recognition hitting my chest. This was my long lost brother! Time and circumstances did not change that. I’m not sure his wife ever understood this until the day I stopped in and the rest of the family was there, well most of them, all but the oldest son. The youngest daughter who was walked down the isle at her brother’s wedding in the crook of her dad’s arm was so excited to meet me! The”missing (family name)”. The sibling she had never met. You see, she grew up with that family, hearing stories of me.

Recently, the oldest son lost his wife . I was honored that I was personally invited to and welcomed at her memorial service. Even though it was a sad time for him, for me it was a wonderful opportunity to see them all and others I had not seen in 40 years. It was also my pleasure to meet their children and grandchildren. As fate often does, it has placed his son and his family just a half an hour from where I live. His late wife had started a Facebook page before she died, where friends and family could connect. On this page I met her daughter-in-love. We have become friends, too. Recently I did child care while these two went out for the evening.

I’m not sure how much notice the original foster family had that my father was coming to get me. When I saw them a couple of months ago, my foster Dad said they probably should have tried harder to adopt me, but they would have had to prove that he was unfit. They did not realize how easy that would have been. My former foster Mom said, when I saw the family as an adult years ago, that she was fearful that the whole emotional and legal process would have pulled her away from the needs of the other children. She had just nursed three of us thru the chicken pox and measles …not much fun, I’m sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank my friend so much for her candid and very thoughtful interview. She is a very caring, loving and devoted mother to her two sons, whom she did raise herself, and grandmother to their families. She is very connected to her non-biological “relatives”, and refers to them as, “my niece”, or “my brother”. They are just as close to her. My friend would probably say that her values sprang from what a great mother she had in her father’s former girlfriend: a woman who simply loved her as her own, unconditionally, through thick and thin. I can truly say that my friend is surrounded by an extended family that was created not by biology, but by pure Love. She can add me, too! She’s stuck with me.

Written by Keadie

Related posts

• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• Keeping In Touch With Former Foster Parents (0)
• 15 Questions To Ask Before Adopting Older Children (9)
• Things To Think About Before Adopting A Sibling Group (2)
• National Foster Care Month (0)

“Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Vardalos said. “I am happy to once again be a part of National Adoption Day. We were matched with our daughter through the U.S. foster care system, and my goal is to share information about the more than 120,000 foster care children in this country who are waiting for a family.”

Vardalos is an advocate for U.S. foster care adoption and took her cause to the public arena when she and her husband, actor Ian Gomez, adopted their daughter from foster care in 2008. She served as the National Adoption Day spokesperson in 2009.

“The good news is that on this day, thousands of children will be adopted into loving homes,” Vardalos added. “The sad news is there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. If your desire is to become a parent, please connect with your local foster family agency to find out how to give a home to a child. The process is simple, affordable and does not discriminate. This is how I became a mom — and the reason I’m smiling.”

Vardalos is active with the adoption organization, AdoptUSKids, aimed at recruiting and connecting foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States. “Nia’s personal story of foster care adoption is both heartwarming and encouraging,” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a founding sponsor of National Adoption Day. “She has selflessly and gracefully worked to spread awareness for foster care adoption, and the National Adoption Day Coalition is honored to have Nia as our national spokesperson again this year.”

This year on November 20, communities in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Guam will hold celebrations to finalize more than 4,500 foster care adoptions, bringing the total number of finalized adoptions as part of National Adoption Day to more than 35,000. Judges, attorneys, adoption agencies, adoption professionals and child advocates volunteer their time to finalize adoptions and celebrate all families who adopt. For more information about the events taking place and foster care adoption, please visit www.nationaladoptionday.org.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners: Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Freddie Mac Foundation, Annie E. Casey Foundation/Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and The Alliance for Children’s Rights.

Related posts

• Adoption Options (0)
• A Home For The Holidays: 12/23/09 (0)
• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption Awards $7.75 Million in 2009 Grants (1)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)

Related posts

• Home For The Holidays: Foster/Adoption Special (1)
• Adoption PSA (0)
• ‘Jockey’ Adoption Services & Programs (4)
• Treat Dad To Frosty And Help Children In Foster Care (1)
• Thoughts on Transracial Adoption (1)

A Home For The Holidays shares, through the eyes of a child, the joy of having a family – not just for the holidays, but every day and forever. Each December, Wendy’s International, Inc., the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and Children’s Action Network present A Home for the Holidays, a CBS network television special bringing together all-star talent to raise awareness for foster care adoption.

In its 11th year, the special will feature Faith Hill and include performances by Carrie Underwood, Mary J. Blige, Reba McEntire, Michael Franti and Shakira.
Nia Vardolos and Jenna Elfman are among the celebrities who will present inspirational stories of extraordinary families who share the joys found through foster care adoption.

Since 1999, this heartwarming holiday special has generated tens of thousands of calls to the Foundation from viewers moved to action after hearing true stories of waiting children and families who adopted from foster care.

A Home for the Holidays
Celebrating families who adopt and the children in foster care who still wait.
December 23, 2009
8:00 – 9:00 p.m. EST/PST
7:00 – 8:00 p.m. MST/CST

Related posts

• Alabama Adoption (2)
• Adoption Options (0)
• 2010 National Adoption Day Spokesperson: Nia Vardalos (2)
• Event To End Florida Gay Adoption Ban (2)
• Baby Shower for Adopting Parents (1)

Adoption Options At-a-Glance : A Companion Guide for Families
Year Published: 2003

This guide focuses on one way to think about how choices in adoption may flow from one another:

There are two types of adoption: domestic and intercountry.

Domestic Adoption:

Agency Oversight: Agency oversight varies from licensed and accredited agencies to unregulated facilitators.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Children are legally freed for adoption either through voluntary relinquishment or involuntary termination of the parental rights of their birth parents.

Child Characteristics: Every age child is available, including sibling groups of multiple ages. Children may be healthy or may have special physical or mental health needs.

Cost: Cost ranges from free or very little to $40,000 or more.

Potential Wait: Waits can be unpredictable and range from very short to 2 years or more.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Adoptive parent characteristics sought by birth parents vary. Specific characteristics have been found common to successful adoptive parents of children from foster care.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support varies from none to a wide array of services.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: The more “open” the adoption, the more potential access to a child’s birth family history.

Intercountry Adoption

Agency Oversight: Agencies facilitating intercountry adoptions must adhere to U.S. State and Federal regulations and regulations of the child’s country of origin.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): For immigration purposes, children must be considered “orphans” to be adopted.

Child Characteristics: Depending on the country, children available for adoption may include infants, school-aged children, sibling groups, and those with special needs due to parental substance abuse, poverty, or institutionalization.

Cost: Costs range from $7,000 to $30,000 or more, depending on the country and number of trips required.

Potential Wait: Waits vary depending on the country. Some countries are able to predict time from “matching” to “placement” so families can plan their lives accordingly.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Requirements for adoptive parents are country-specific regarding age, marital status, background, number of children in family, and other characteristics.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support ranges from none, to post-placement visits and required reports to the child’s country of origin, to country-specific adoptive parent support groups.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Agency oversight varies from licensed and accredited agencies to unregulated facilitators.

If we adopt domestically, what type of adoption is best for our family?

Two types of domestic adoption are domestic infant adoption and foster care adoption.

Domestic Infant Adoption

Agency Oversight: Oversight varies from accredited and licensed agencies to unregulated facilitators.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Most domestic infant adoptions are voluntary on the part of birth parents.

Child Characteristics: Health status of domestic infants can vary greatly depending on prenatal care, substance abuse, genetics, etc.

Cost: Costs range from $5,000 to $40,000 or more depending on the agency or facilitator and State laws regarding allowable expenses.

Potential Wait: Wait varies greatly depending on the kind of child a family is looking for, timing of the family’s home study documents and child’s need, and birth parents’ choices of adoptive parents.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Agencies may have specific requirements regarding faith (if a faith-based agency), age, marital status, or other characteristics.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support varies greatly from none to support groups for families and children.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Many adoptions involve some level of contact between birth and adoptive families. Access to history varies greatly depending on the situation and type of agency or facilitator.

Foster Care Adoption

Agency Oversight: Foster care adoptions can occur through public social service agencies (overseen by the State) or licensed private agencies (must meet State licensing standards and may be accredited).

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Most children are freed for adoption by the involuntary termination of their birth parents’ rights. Each State has its own Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) law.

Child Characteristics: Most children in foster care are older children or sibling groups of different ages. The average age of a waiting child is over 8 years old.

Cost: Foster care adoption may be free or involve minimal fees, such as attorney costs, which can often be reimbursed.Federal or State adoption subsidies may also be available depending on the child’s special needs.

Potential Wait: The wait for placement of children from foster care varies greatly depending on the type of child(ren) the family hopes to adopt and the family’s ability to meet the child(ren)’s needs.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Qualities of families who successfully adopt children from the foster care system include flexible expectations and a tolerance for rejection.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support may include Federal or State adoption subsidies, foster/adoptive parent support groups, respite care, individual or family therapy, and other services.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Potential birth parent involvement varies from none to regular contact with the birth family (if in child’s best interest).Agencies generally share all they know regarding a child’s birth family history.

If we choose domestic infant adoption, who will assist our family?

Professionals who assist families with domestic infant adoption include licensed private agencies, independent attorneys, and facilitated/unlicensed agencies.

Licensed Private Agency Adoption

Agency Oversight: Licensed agencies must meet State or other licensing standards.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Varies by State and type of adoption. Agencies must have surrenders and/or termination of parental rights for both the birth mother and father.

Child Characteristics: Licensed private agencies may place domestic infants, children in foster care, orchildren from other countries.

Cost: Generally the expenses are predictable and will be known up front. Cost ranges from nothing to $40,000 or more.

Potential Wait: The wait for a child varies greatly; intercountry adoptions may have more “predictable” waiting periods.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Adoptive parent characteristics vary depending on the type of adoption and child requested.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support varies depending on the region, agency resources, type of adoption, and needs of the child.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: The “openness” of the adoption varies by agency, type of adoption, and preferences of all involved.

Independent (Attorney) Adoption

Agency Oversight: Independent adoptions generally do not involve as much oversight as adoptions with licensed agencies. They must comply with State laws and regulations (not all States allow for this type of adoption). Assisting attorneys must adhere to the standards of the State’s Bar Association.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Generally voluntary relinquishments by birth mothers and/or birth fathers. Situations will vary by laws of the involved States.

Child Characteristics: Characteristics of children placed independently can vary greatly due to prenatal care and genetics.

Cost: Costs can be unpredictable but generally average between $10,000 and $15,000. State law regulates allowable expenses (e.g., birth mother’s medical care).

Potential Wait: Time to find a potential match and have a child placed is unpredictable and may be shorter or longer than a wait for an infant placement through a licensed private agency.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Since expectant parents choose a family, adoptive parents’ characteristics depend on individual expectant or birth parent’s wishes.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support varies depending on the region and the child’s needs.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Birth and adoptive families have direct contact with one another, often allowing for exchange of medical and family history.

Facilitated/Unlicensed Agency Adoption

Agency Oversight: This type of adoption involves the least amount of oversight. Some States regulate facilitators, while in other States anyone can declare themselves to be an “adoption facilitator.”

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Generally voluntary relinquishments by birth mothers and/or birth fathers. Situations will vary by laws of the involved States.

Child Characteristics: The health status of domestic infants vary greatly, as with any newborn, due to prenatal care, genetics, etc.

Cost: Expenses are regulated by State law but can still be unpredictable. Facilitated adoptions can cost as much or more than licensed private agency adoptions.

Potential Wait: The wait can vary tremendously depending on the situation and involved parties.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Since expectant parents often choose a family through a facilitator, adoptive parents’ age and other characteristics will depend a great deal on the individual expectant or birth parents’ wishes.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement services vary depending on the region, agency resources, and the child’s needs.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Birth parent involvement and access to the child’s family history vary depending on the facilitator and the wishes of involved parties.

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

Related posts

• Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (1)
• 2010 National Adoption Day Spokesperson: Nia Vardalos (2)
• The Perception Of Adoption In History (2)
• How To Adopt A Child In The United States (4)
• Adoption Stories: Infant And Older Child Adoption (0)