This one is from Linny, who is the co-administrator at our adoption forum.

People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

As a young child I knew I wanted to adopt. There was one TV commercial that played a lot when I was very young, and that made me really curious about adoption. My feelings that there are already too many people on the planet and many children/babies awaiting parents played a part in this. And finally, knowing that our family had some genetic issues (early onset of severe arthritis, diabetes) I didn’t feel were fair to pass on to biological children, played a part in wanting to adopt and choosing it as a first option.

What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)?

My husband and I adopted from agencies while we lived overseas in Okinawa, Japan. Our first two babies were born in Korea and Japan. Years later, we adopted older children through the foster care system—three CC boys in two separate adoptions. Years after that, we returned to domestic infant adoption and have adopted three AA babies in three separate adoptions over the last six years.

Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

Adopting internationally was something we took advantage of because we lived overseas. We went with adoption through the foster system, because, frankly, we felt we couldn’t afford to adopt any other way (we were wrong)…and we were always up front about this. We went back to domestic, transracial infant adoption, because we found out that it WAS possible to afford this type of adoption, as well as being totally disenchanted with older child adoption from the problems we encountered. Was it as we expected? The process: Ridiculously long and redundant by having to have tons of homestudies—over the years— by different agencies, that really could have been ‘copied’ to a great degree and simply added to. Was it as we expected? Adoption in general: Older child adoption–never as we had hoped. Mainly ‘nightmarish’ in our experiences. Infant adoption—wonderful.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Our experiences in older child adoption would take a very long time to write about and explain in entirety. Let’s just say that we were much too gullible in taking the first placement through an agency, and trusted the system far too much. In a nutshell, the first older child was fraudulently presented to us and vital information was withheld from us what would have made a huge difference in our decision to adopt him.

After four years and living with a child that presented dangerous behaviors to himself and others—our first older adopted child went into residential. After three years there, he had to be moved (request of the facility because he was too impulsive and aggressive) to another facility. After three years at the next facility, he was moved to yet, another facility where he resides to this day. He is now an adult and will, at some point, be able to walk out. He has changed in his behaviors–very, very little from the point we knew him at six years of age.

The next two older children lived with us for almost seven years until one decided to engage in very dangerous and illegal behaviors. He was a danger to our other children and was charged, arrested and convicted. We refused to allow him to come back into our home to endanger the younger children. We were prepared to separate our family if need be; in order to keep the younger children safe.

After many months and court battles (and a lot of $$ for our own attorney), the system realized he was dangerous and quite likely to behave this way again. They allowed us to sign him back over; and within one month, he went into a specialized residential facility. The third older child was so traumatized by the actions of the older one, he went to live part time with relatives. This part-time turned into full time and hence, he is adopted by these relatives. We continue to see him frequently and he is doing alright. We overcame the above obstacles with a lot of Faith in the Lord, support from relatives, counselors and friends. The last event (mentioned above) took a real toll that has taken a couple of years to really re-coup.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

Yes, we had support from friends and family—especially with the first two adoptions. In adopting through the system, there were several of each who felt we were taking a big risk (and sadly, they were correct). In deciding to adopt infants again…..our parents were hesitant, thinking we were too old and had been through enough emotionally. However, when we brought our babies home, they were quite happy for us and have been involved with our children.

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I think the process is ridiculously redundant. There are a lot of steps that overlap and take too much time. I think once a homestudy is performed by one agency, it is silly for the state to have to completely re-do another, instead of simply updating the material that’s already been written about!
I feel that too many adoptive couples—as well as society at large, believe adoption is ‘less than’ birth. I think our society continues to believe that ‘adoption’ is something that should only be perused once fertility is ruled out. I think this is too narrow minded. And, I believe that some agencies don’t interview and screen their hopeful adoptive couples well enough before allowing them to adopt—especially when the couple chooses to adopt transracially.

Do I think these changes will ever come to be? No. Our society values ‘birth’ too much, having the mindset that ‘when one gives birth, one is automatically a good parent’. This is why the foster care system children languish too long before permanency is found. I also think that too many insurance companies pay for extensive infertility treatments and such; but offer little to nothing for the couple who incur thousands of dollars to adopt. I find this unfair to adoptive couples…and not sure so much $$ should be applied for infertility treatments either.

Finally, I think adoption is too much of a business in money making for the wrong people and wrong reasons. In my thinking, there should/would be no such thing as ‘match money’ from the hopeful adoptive couple. Fees would only be paid for the actual paperwork, no living expenses for any birthparents, and absolutely no money paid until the baby was completely freed for adoption. With this, I think a lot of pressure to birthparents and broken hearts from the same and adoptive couples would be greatly reduced.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Our first baby was adopted over 25yrs ago. Our last baby came to us over six months ago. The conversations, beliefs and feelings are the same. We think any challenges adopted individuals face have a lot to do with the attitudes and feelings the adoptive parents have set before ‘them’ while they were growing up. We’ve always told our children they were adopted long before they could even understand what the word meant. We’ve always told them that when they are adults, they are free to search and seek out to meet any biological connections. We’ve always told them that we will give any assistance to help them connect with these people. And finally, the most spoken phrase and attitude we’ve expressed to our children is that ‘Adoption is just as—if not more special and important—than being birthed.’

Parenting is parenting. Good parenting is good parenting. If a couple perceive adoption as second best, I fear they will treat their adopted children as such. I think if they value and see their adopted child as a child ‘just as important, if not more so, than birthed’….then that child will more than likely grow up to be self-confident and secure concerning their perspective on ‘being adopted’.

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Celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, more than 300 events are held each year throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt. In total, more than 20,000 children have been adopted from foster care on National Adoption Day. This year, National Adoption Day will be Saturday, November 15, 2008.

Goals of National Adoption Day 2008
• Finalize adoptions from foster care in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico
• Celebrate and honor all families who adopt
• Raise awareness about the 129,000 children in foster care waiting for adoption
• Encourage others to adopt children from foster care
• Build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts, and advocacy organizations
• Communicate availability and need for post-adoptive services

History of National Adoption Day
In just eight years, National Adoption Day has truly grown from nine events in its first year to more than 300 events in 2007, with 4,300 adoptions finalized in 2007 as part of more than 300 events in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

National Adoption Day Sponsors
A coalition of national partners – The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and Freddie Mac Foundation – sponsor National Adoption Day to draw special attention to foster children waiting for permanent families and to celebrate all loving families that adopt.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners
The Alliance for Children’s Rights – The Alliance for Children’s Rights is Los Angeles’ only free legal
services organization devoted solely to helping children living in poverty and foster care. The Alliance’s mission is to ensure children get the support and services they need to become healthy, productive adults. Since 1992, The Alliance has worked together with the Los Angeles Juvenile Court and the Department of Children and Family Services to expedite and increase the number of children adopted from Los Angeles foster care.

Casey Family Services – Casey Family Services is the direct service agency of the Annie E. Casey
Foundation, the nation’s largest private foundation serving fragile U.S. children, families and communities, started by United Parcel Service founder Jim Casey. Casey Family Services has worked with foster and adoptive families for nearly 30 years and is dedicated to helping build better futures for disadvantaged children here in the United States.

Children’s Action Network – Formed in 1990 by leaders in the entertainment industry, the Children’s
Action Network (CAN) is dedicated to improving the lives of America’s children. Through extensive public education campaigns, community-based programs and policy initiatives, CAN uses the power of the entertainment community to increase awareness about children’s issues and make them a top priority in everyday life.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute – The Congressional Coalition on Adoption
Institute (CCAI) is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about children in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes; and to eliminating the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic need of a family. CCAI serves as an informational and educational resource to policymakers as they seek to draft positive adoption legislation and to focusing public attention on the advantages of adoption.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a leading
partner of National Adoption Day, a collaborative national effort to raise awareness of the 129,000
children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families and to celebrate all families who adopt. By drawing attention to the joy of thousands of children who have finally found their “forever families,” the Foundation and its partners hope to encourage even more families to consider adopting a child out of foster care.

Freddie Mac Foundation – Created by Freddie Mac in 1991, the Freddie Mac Foundation is dedicated to making home a place where children and families thrive. As the largest corporate funder in the
Washington, DC metropolitan area, Freddie Mac and the Freddie Mac Foundation have invested more
than $348 million in organizations serving the community.

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1. She had picked out “a name. We chose a name that starts with T (we made it up). She really like that, too, and the fact that it “goes with” her son’s name.

2. We met with our girls’ birth mom a week before they were born (she had chosen us a week before that). She asked what we were planning on for names. We told her and she liked them, but never told us what she would have chosen if she parented. I got the distinct impression from her that she felt like it wasn’t “her place” to choose their names since she wasn’t planning on parenting – but I didn’t ask and she didn’t offer.

3. From the start she has said she was ours and we should pick the name.

4. In most of our cases with domestic adoption, we were told of names the birth mother had chosen—either on her own, or because a caseworker told her it might be a good idea. In all cases, we changed the names.

5. When we met the placing mother, she said that it was very important to her for the baby to have a name on his birth certificate. She did not want to name him after his birth father, so she said that, if we would tell her the name that we had chosen, she would put that name on his original birth certificate. She liked the name, and we have been told that she did use our name choice for his original birth certificate.

’6. We had a first name picked out, although we didn’t have a middle name when we met our daughter’s birth mother. We liked her so much (and still do!) that my husband and I quickly agreed we wanted to honor her by giving the baby her name as a middle name, if she was a girl. Her birth mother was moved to tears when we told her that’s what we were going to name the baby (after we found out it was a girl). We never even expected a birth mother to give us input in that decision, but I’m glad she seems to like the name.

7. I’m answering this one in relation to our latest adoption. (We didn’t meet our son’s birth mom and never had any contact, so names were a non-issue) Anyhow, when it came to picking our other son’s  name  we asked her if she had any names she liked. We chose that as his middle name.

8. Our children’s birth mom’s had no say about the names we choose for our children; however, upon learning that she had been calling our daughter by the name of Bridget for the 5 days before we got custody of her, we decided to keep that name and moved it to her middle name instead of her first. Her birth mom was very, very touched that we did that.

9. My girls’ birth mom didn’t have any input into their names. In fact, the day we met in person (one week after match, one week before birth) she asked what names we had chosen and why. She liked them, and nothing more was said.

10. My son’s  birth mom named him one name and we didn’t like it so we changed it. We were instructed to never tell her the name we had chosen. Not sure why that was, but we didn’t.

11. With the boys, she asked us what we wanted to name them. We got a call from the social worker confirming and re-confirming the names. With our daughter, we changed her name. Her original name was just not something that fit in our family. I wanted to talk to her birth mom about it, but she went MIA. I wrote her a letter and told her that we changed her name, but I don’t know if she got it.  It ended up that her middle name is her birth mothers first name.

**As a side note…..I haven’t checked the comments in a while so if you commented recently and didn’t see it posted, I apologize and I will be doing that right now.

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Adoption right choice: by Brennan Purtzer

Imagine my son’s delivery room. He has just been born, and our family is huddled together with the love and warmth and security that only a mother and father can provide.

Too bad it didn’t happen this way.

I wasn’t there. I couldn’t be there. I chose to work in an Alaskan fishing village while my son was being born so I wouldn’t have to see him being given to another family.

It’s a complicated story.

After graduating high school, I moved to Maui. One day God sent me a sweet girl to come and share his love with me. I had prayed for her arrival for some time, and when she finally came I treated her well. We were best friends and we soon fell in love, became lovers and shortly thereafter a child developed.

We were 18, unmarried, dependent and without health care. We were also strangers in a land largely unknown to us. All we had was each other.

I’d never made up my mind about my stance on abortion, but she had. She was Catholic, and would never consider it. She would rather die herself. I was greatly torn, and hoped my trouble would dissolve itself somehow. I don’t know how the option of adoption came into consideration, but I soon began to spend whole days thinking about it.

It finally struck me how my biggest problem with becoming a father was that it would only be an illusion. In my situation, I would be working full-time and dropping out of college to be a “father,” and in return I would never have any time to enjoy my child. This was something I could not stand. I wanted to be an attentive father, like mine had been, more than anything in the world, and that would not be possible under these circumstances. Then I thought of others like me. I thought of all the good men, just like me, who pained for the chance to raise children — the way I pained.

After that, I couldn’t even think of abortion. I couldn’t imagine denying that pleasure of fatherhood to any man, as I had been forced to deny it to myself. So I made my decision. I made the right one.

I feel it was the right choice in every way. I am reminded of how good a choice it was every time that I receive a picture in the mail of my son’s birthday party, a Christmas card, or thank you letter with a personal drawing and autograph on it.

The adoption didn’t cost us anything. In fact, the adopting parents whom we selected personally from one of the many adoption Web sites that exist, actually helped us pay our bills after my angel got to the point where she couldn’t work anymore. The reason that adoption needs to be considered more seriously by young people is that it turns the dangerous, costly, or dream-shattering reality of premature parenthood into something loving and beautiful.

I am not a hard-line pro-lifer. I don’t feel that the government has the right to tell people that they cannot make the decisions they want to, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t cry for every child that receives a salty saline injection instead of a parent’s love.

The choice of adoption gave me some very close new friends, a new person for me to love passionately for the rest of my life, and even helped me pay my bills when things got hard.

But even though I made the right choice, it didn’t prevent me from making the biggest mistake of my life, which was not being at my son’s birth.

I was afraid that if I was there watching, I wouldn’t be able to let go of him. Maybe I wouldn’t have.

Running from your toughest choices is never the right way to do things. Even though I thought things would be fine in the delivery room without me, I can’t help but think that’s where I should have been.

If I had been there at beautiful Josh’s birth, I may still be tightly clutching his tiny hand, with my other hand gently holding the love of my life.

Though that life may have had its rewards, adoption was the right choice.

Even though it was a mistake that I wasn’t in the delivery room, it would have been a an even bigger mistake if I had opted for abortion. Adoption doesn’t cost anything, but allows you to do something beautiful for the world.

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Domestic adoptions can be handled through an agency, attorney or facilitator and follow the laws of your state of residence. Prospective parents may pay some of the living and medical expenses of the birthmother but these rules vary depending on state law. Parents are usually selected by the birthparents of the child they adopt and while ongoing contact is increasingly common, the extent of that contact varies significantly.

We asked our adoption forum members to share their advice and experience with domestic infant adoption. Here’s what they had to say;

*** A biggie for me was finding an agency that did not keep a lot of money if the adoption fell through. Our agency only charged up front for the home study, which was portable. We did not pay the adoption fees until the birthmother’s parental rights legally terminated.

*** Research, research, research! Every agency handles adoptions differently and has different requirements for adoptive parents. If you don’t like one you have initially chosen, go somewhere else!

Find a social worker that YOU can relate to — you will rely on this person to help you find your child; you want to have someone who takes time to listen to your concerns, is available to talk to you most of the time (return calls should be within 24 hours, for example), and understands the type of birthparent relationship you are comfortable with. This person should make you feel completely comfortable; if you’re not, it might be a sign you should look elsewhere for your child.

You do NOT need to have a completely open adoption if you don’t want one; don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want a closed adoption, keep looking for an agency until you find one that won’t pressure you to go open. Plus, “open” can mean a thousand different things — be sure you understand what a particular agency may require from you after an adoption before you follow through with an adoption through them. You might be more willing to try an open adoption if it’s simply letters and pictures annually than if an agency tries to make you agree to annual visits, for example.

*** We attempted domestic infant adoption three times, and experienced three failures. We did not go through an agency, but found the situations through friends and family members. Had any of the adoptions succeeded, the costs would have been very low — only lawyer fees and filing fees, and the costs of counselling, if chosen.

We basically made it known that we were open to any situation, and in one year had three situations present themselves to us. It’s important before you begin, to be familiar with the different types of adoption and which situations you would be comfortable with. It’s too easy, when presented with the possibility of finally becoming a parent to agree to anything in order for the adoption to be successful, only to regret those decisions later.

We chose a lawyer that specialized in family law and she was able to walk us through the paperwork and filing process, and was familiar with procedures and our state’s adoption laws.

We chose to go this route because, at the time, we had sunk all of our resources into infertility treatments that also failed and were financially tapped out.

Counselling for both the birth and adoptive parents can be very helpful for everyone to make the transition. I do believe that counselling would possibly have changed the outcome of our last two adoption attempts had either of the birthmothers chosen it.

Non-agency adoptions are a possibility worth considering, but do your research before choosing a lawyer. However some people are more comfortable with the experience of an agency behind them to hold their hand through the process.

*** Research, research, research….find out everything you can about it and determine what route you want to take (agency, facilitator, attorney).

*** If you are going to use an attorney use one that is registered with American Adoption Attorney Association.

*** The research I have done has probably saved us a ton of money and time. Also, find a GREAT adoption forum – I recommend Forever Parents!! I’ve learned so much on here..but that’s also research also.

*** Research everything you can — agencies, facilitators, attorneys. Domestic adoption has a lot of avenues you can take and each offers different pros and cons. Research every aspect to know what’s right for your family. Also, stay open minded — about birthmothers, about the process, about your Dear Birthparent letter. Go with your heart and your gut…but keep your head in the mix too

*** Do not proceed until you are certain that *any person* who could have influence on the bmom or bfather has been informed of the pg, birth and adoption placement plan for the child. Even if you have been ‘reassured’ by sw’s that all will be well if people have not been informed/involved…proceed with extreme caution. It does not happen often (disruption post placement) but it is absolutely devastating if it happens to YOUR family.

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Our friend Lindsey joins us in the studio to talk about her experiences with the domestic adoption process. Unlike our friend Sarah who adopted internationally, Lindsey and her husband Josh have had to endure (and are still enduring) many different and unexpected hurdles while trying to adopt a baby here in the US. It has been an exhilarating, exhausting and very emotional roller coaster for all concerned.

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I recently posted an poll at our adoption forums which asked “For those who adopted an infant through domestic adoption, how much input did the biological mother have on your choosing a name for your child”?The results were: (total votes = 15):

1) The bio. mother chose the name and I had no input 0 / 0.0%
2) I chose the name and the bio. mother had no input 7 / 46.7%
3) I chose the name along with the bio. mother 1 / 6.7%
4) We chose their name but the bio. mother approved it 4 / 26.7%
5) We changed their name after the bio. mother chose one 3 / 20.0%

Some of our members went on to explain their answers and share their experience.

We met with our girls’ birthmom a week before they were born (she had chosen us a week before that). She asked what we were planning on for names. We told her and she liked them, but never told us what she would have chosen if she parented. I got the distinct impression from her that she felt like it wasn’t “her place” to choose their names since she wasn’t planning on parenting – but I didn’t ask and she didn’t offer.

In most of our cases with domestic adoption, we were told of names the bio mother had chosen—either on her own, or because a caseworker told her it might be a good idea. In all cases, we changed the names.

When we met the placing mother, she said that it was very important to her for the baby to have a name on his birth certificate. She did not want to name him after his birthfather, so she said that, if we would tell her the name that we had chosen, she would put that name on his original birth certificate. She liked the name, and we have been told that she did use our name choice for his original birth certificate.

‘Tessa’ was our girl name, although we didn’t have a middle name picked out when we met our daughter’s birth mother. We liked her so much (and still do!) that my husband and I quickly agreed we wanted to honor her by giving the baby her name as a middle name, if she was a girl. Her birth mother was moved to tears when we told her that’s what we were going to name the baby (after we found out it was a girl). We never even expected a birth mother to give us input in that decision, but I’m glad she seems to like the name.

I’m answering this one in relation to our latest adoption. (We didn’t meet Andy’s bmom and never had any contact, so names were a non-issue) Anyhow, when it came to picking Ben’s name (Bennett Tristan) we asked Katie if she had any names she liked and she said Tristan. I’ve always loved the name Ben and since Tony Bennett is my favorite singer, Ben it was! lol

Crystal had picked out “Savannah.” We chose a name that starts with T (we made it up). She really like that, too, and the fact that it “goes with” her son’s name, Tyler.

Our children’s bmom’s had no say about the names we choose for our children; however, upon learning that my dd bmom had been calling our dd by the name of Bridget for the 5 days before we got custody of her, we decided to keep that name and moved it to her middle name instead of her first. Her bmom was very, very touched that we did that.

On our sons orginal birth certificate his name was Gabriel Michael. She even had a Social Security card issued in that name. Our attorney advised that once she signed the relinquishment papers (12 hours after birth) we give him a name of our choosing. I didn’t know about the SS card until I went to apply for one after the adoption was final.

We changed our son’s name. We told birthmom what it would be, and she liked it, but even if she hadn’t his name still would have been changed.

I voted that we chose the name and she approved it. But it wasn’t quite like that. We had been through a situation where we had discussed naming with the woman and we decided not to get into that mess again the next time around. Somehow it did come up though. K was just SURE she was having a boy (surprise!) Basically we were set on our names and then asked if we could include the name she picked as a middle name. She was really shocked that we would even consider it. She definitely did not have any expectations about what we would name the baby….she was just happy that she could put what she wanted on the bc before it was changed. She ended up putting the first time we picked on her bc (it is a different version of a name she was considering) with the name she picked as the middle name. She didn’t include the middle name we chose. We had thought about dropping the name she picked after a bunch of things happened and even told the attny to take it off. But then it ended up being on the new bc anyway and now we are glad it did.

We chose our daughter’s name and the birth mother wanted to put OUR last name on the birth certificate.

What about you? Feel free to answer in a comment.

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By our own clear-eyed assessment, my husband and I sprang from relatively shallow ends of our respective gene pools. Had we chosen to try to overcome our infertility and produce our own children, they most likely would have had crooked teeth and bad tempers and been as myopic as moles.

Instead, we adopted three of the loveliest, brightest and most interesting people I know. And the three women responsible for our good fortune have remained strangers, largely unaware of how they have enriched our lives.

Our fourth adoption began just like the others. Domestic and private, it required, in addition to a lawyer, a social worker to ensure once again that we were suitable candidates for parenthood. She was also responsible for conducting the interview with the birth mother and was, in effect, a state-sanctioned go-between in what had always been for us an anonymous affair.

But times were changing. The previously locked doors of adoption information were swinging open, and what had once been considered a shameful secret by many was increasingly seen as a loving choice.

So it was that the social worker one day asked me whether I had ever wanted to meet one of my children’s birth mothers.

“Oh, God, yes!”

“Well,” she continued, “this one is interested in meeting you. Do you want me to arrange it?”

I was stunned into an uncharacteristic silence. Meeting the birth mother had not even been presented as a possibility in our other adoptions. Always, though, I had wondered about them, worried about them, imagined conversations with them. I knew they were young, between 15 and 19, and unmarried. And I assumed they were as frightened and uncertain about the future as I would have been in their situation.

On a Friday morning in mid-September, the social worker called to tell me that a meeting had been set up for the following Wednesday at a coffee shop in a small town an hour’s drive away.

When I shared the news with my husband, he was less than enthusiastic. While supporting my decision to meet the woman, he wanted no part in the meeting. “Too much raw emotion” was how he put it. Even talking about it made him uneasy.

I, on the other hand, was twitchy with anticipation. My children were 8, 6 and 3, and their personalities were emerging before my eyes like quick-developing photographs. Watching these transformations, I had begun to have a sense of their biological mothers as I have of the characters in my favorite books, never actually seen but unmistakable in their particularity.

Where had these surprises in disposition and style originated? Where was the adult version of that one’s smile, another’s playful confidence with strangers, his perfect pitch, her gift for mimicry? Were there other children, brothers and sisters with the same endearing traits and annoying habits? And would knowing the answers be a blessing or a curse?

On the day of our meeting, I chose my outfit as carefully as I ever had for a date. As I drove, I let my thoughts drift to those other three women. They were in my mind often, especially at the milestones of my children’s lives: the first haircuts, steps taken, words spoken; as training wheels came off their bikes and as braces went on their teeth; on each first day of school, and at every soccer game and piano recital. At birthday celebrations I experienced a vague unease, as if I had forgotten to invite a close relative.

I remembered precisely where I was and what I’d been doing at the moment I received each phone call bringing the news of the birth. Surely their memories of those hours were more intense than mine. Yet did they observe those anniversaries? I could only imagine, and I did.

When the coffee shop came into view, I resisted the urge to drive past and had to rely on deep breathing to maintain my composure as I parked the car. Getting out, I caught sight of myself in the side mirror and saw that sprigs of my hair were sticking up at goofy angles and my mascara was smudged, but it was too late for repairs.

Inside, a very pregnant woman sitting alone in a booth rose to shake my hand. She asked about my drive, laughing nervously when I mispronounced her name. By the time the waitress had refilled our coffee cups, the awkwardness had passed and we were interrupting each other, eager to tell and know everything.

She was in her late 20s, divorced and raising two preschoolers on her own. A lapsed Catholic, she maintained she was still under the sway of what she had been taught.

Sensing I was in favor of abortion rights, she looked directly at me and said, “I really am pro-choice, and my choice is to have this baby.” And then, with conviction and regret, she added: “But I can’t raise it. I can’t single-parent another child. I just can’t.”

We traded pictures and stories of our children. I told her I felt fortunate to have held all three of my children within their first 24 hours. About the births of her son and daughter, she said: “Those first few minutes after they’re born are amazing. They look right at you, as if they already know who you are.”

As we prepared to leave, she took my hand. “My mother and sister will be there for me, to help and all, but I don’t think I can be there for this baby, not in the way I was with my others.” She looked near tears, but went on. “I want him to have somebody right from the beginning.”

Finally we said our goodbyes, and I drove home in a rich sensory fog of baby lust and the giddiness of this new relationship.

Three months later she called me, not to announce a birth but to explain that a satisfactory fetal stress test had stamped the O.K. on an induced labor. The holidays were fast approaching, and neither of us wanted the delivery to fall on a day ideally devoted to celebration with our other children, hers and mine. My husband again declined to join us, promising instead to arrive the next day to drive our new baby and me home.

I reached the hospital in midafternoon, anticipating an all-nighter. I carried along magazines, a pillow and the tiny needlepoint stocking I was trying to finish for Christmas. I had just unwrapped a skein of yarn when I heard my name called. I looked up to see the face of a young woman who was clearly the birth mother’s sister.

“Would you like to come into the birthing suite?” she asked.

I hadn’t expected to be summoned until after the delivery but followed her along the hall and into the dimly lighted room. There I found the birth mother, propped on pillows, smiling, but well into the hard work of late labor. Her dark red hair was tangled, and sweat beaded her forehead and upper lip.

Her mother stood at the bedside, a damp washcloth and basin at the ready. It was she who motioned me nearer. We waited through a strong contraction, then the four of us joined hands, and within minutes our boundaries seemed to dissolve and we began the work for which we had gathered.

My memory of the next three hours is as clear as any I hold, and as otherworldly as if from a dream. The delivery and the minutes following remain in my mind more impression than distinct images. I remember cutting the umbilical cord, and then I was holding the baby, and he was, just as she had promised, looking into my eyes.

Someone was crying, then everyone was crying, and my attention was once again drawn to the woman in the bed. A nurse lifted the child from my arms, explaining that he would need to be weighed and have the routine newborn blood tests in the nursery. She left the room, and I slipped back into my place, an integral member of this group of smiling, weeping women.

“You’re not Catholic, are you?” the grandmother asked sheepishly.

“No, I’m Presbyterian.”

“But you’re not one of those, you know, who wait until they’re teenagers to baptize them?”

“No,” I assured her. “Definitely infant baptism.”

She slumped with relief.

“A month at the most, just after the holidays,” I said. “Don’t worry, he’s safe.”

A tension that I hadn’t been aware of seemed to evaporate and we all laughed and began to talk at once, about Christmas and gifts and food, about almost everything but babies.

AFTER a while the birth mother reached for my arm, and I steadied her as she slipped gingerly from the bed. She moved toward the bathroom, leaning against me a little, and as she turned, she gave my hand a squeeze. “I’m fine,” she assured me, and closed the door.

When she emerged she was fully dressed. She had combed her hair and put on lipstick, and only the redness of her eyes and the huskiness of her voice gave her away. “I think I would like to go home now,” she said, looking past me to where her mother and sister were standing.

“You’re leaving?” Even I could hear the quaver in my words. “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

My mind raced with unasked questions. I suddenly needed to know everything, not only about her family and history but the histories of the other three birth mothers, whom I had never met. Somehow, in the intensity of our shared experience, I had combined them and made her the repository for the secrets of all their lives. As foolish as it seemed, I wanted her to tell me that they would be O.K. as well.

As we made our way along the hall, we attempted to fill the awkward space with generic goodbyes. There were no assurances about keeping in touch. We knew we wouldn’t. As the elevator doors were closing, I thought of the baby and my pulse quickened, but I knew it was more than the thrill of new motherhood.

There was now a person and a past where only a fantasy had been, and in the years ahead I would come to appreciate the importance of this connection. I would watch my child’s intense response to music, be enchanted by his smile, stand in awe of his feisty determination, and I’d know the origin of these characteristics.

And I could choose, when the time was right, to share this story, his story, with him. For the moment, though, it was with a silent “thank you” to the mother I knew and those I didn’t that I turned back, headed for the nursery and my son.

Nona Martin Stuck, an essayist who is writing a novel, lives in Columbia, S.C.

Related Tags: adoption, adoptive parents, infant adoption

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Adoption Options At-a-Glance : A Companion Guide for Families
Year Published: 2003

This guide focuses on one way to think about how choices in adoption may flow from one another:

There are two types of adoption: domestic and intercountry.

Domestic Adoption:

Agency Oversight: Agency oversight varies from licensed and accredited agencies to unregulated facilitators.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Children are legally freed for adoption either through voluntary relinquishment or involuntary termination of the parental rights of their birth parents.

Child Characteristics: Every age child is available, including sibling groups of multiple ages. Children may be healthy or may have special physical or mental health needs.

Cost: Cost ranges from free or very little to $40,000 or more.

Potential Wait: Waits can be unpredictable and range from very short to 2 years or more.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Adoptive parent characteristics sought by birth parents vary. Specific characteristics have been found common to successful adoptive parents of children from foster care.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support varies from none to a wide array of services.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: The more “open” the adoption, the more potential access to a child’s birth family history.

Intercountry Adoption

Agency Oversight: Agencies facilitating intercountry adoptions must adhere to U.S. State and Federal regulations and regulations of the child’s country of origin.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): For immigration purposes, children must be considered “orphans” to be adopted.

Child Characteristics: Depending on the country, children available for adoption may include infants, school-aged children, sibling groups, and those with special needs due to parental substance abuse, poverty, or institutionalization.

Cost: Costs range from $7,000 to $30,000 or more, depending on the country and number of trips required.

Potential Wait: Waits vary depending on the country. Some countries are able to predict time from “matching” to “placement” so families can plan their lives accordingly.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Requirements for adoptive parents are country-specific regarding age, marital status, background, number of children in family, and other characteristics.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support ranges from none, to post-placement visits and required reports to the child’s country of origin, to country-specific adoptive parent support groups.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Agency oversight varies from licensed and accredited agencies to unregulated facilitators.

If we adopt domestically, what type of adoption is best for our family?

Two types of domestic adoption are domestic infant adoption and foster care adoption.

Domestic Infant Adoption

Agency Oversight: Oversight varies from accredited and licensed agencies to unregulated facilitators.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Most domestic infant adoptions are voluntary on the part of birth parents.

Child Characteristics: Health status of domestic infants can vary greatly depending on prenatal care, substance abuse, genetics, etc.

Cost: Costs range from $5,000 to $40,000 or more depending on the agency or facilitator and State laws regarding allowable expenses.

Potential Wait: Wait varies greatly depending on the kind of child a family is looking for, timing of the family’s home study documents and child’s need, and birth parents’ choices of adoptive parents.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Agencies may have specific requirements regarding faith (if a faith-based agency), age, marital status, or other characteristics.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support varies greatly from none to support groups for families and children.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Many adoptions involve some level of contact between birth and adoptive families. Access to history varies greatly depending on the situation and type of agency or facilitator.

Foster Care Adoption

Agency Oversight: Foster care adoptions can occur through public social service agencies (overseen by the State) or licensed private agencies (must meet State licensing standards and may be accredited).

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Most children are freed for adoption by the involuntary termination of their birth parents’ rights. Each State has its own Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) law.

Child Characteristics: Most children in foster care are older children or sibling groups of different ages. The average age of a waiting child is over 8 years old.

Cost: Foster care adoption may be free or involve minimal fees, such as attorney costs, which can often be reimbursed.Federal or State adoption subsidies may also be available depending on the child’s special needs.

Potential Wait: The wait for placement of children from foster care varies greatly depending on the type of child(ren) the family hopes to adopt and the family’s ability to meet the child(ren)’s needs.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Qualities of families who successfully adopt children from the foster care system include flexible expectations and a tolerance for rejection.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support may include Federal or State adoption subsidies, foster/adoptive parent support groups, respite care, individual or family therapy, and other services.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Potential birth parent involvement varies from none to regular contact with the birth family (if in child’s best interest).Agencies generally share all they know regarding a child’s birth family history.

If we choose domestic infant adoption, who will assist our family?

Professionals who assist families with domestic infant adoption include licensed private agencies, independent attorneys, and facilitated/unlicensed agencies.

Licensed Private Agency Adoption

Agency Oversight: Licensed agencies must meet State or other licensing standards.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Varies by State and type of adoption. Agencies must have surrenders and/or termination of parental rights for both the birth mother and father.

Child Characteristics: Licensed private agencies may place domestic infants, children in foster care, orchildren from other countries.

Cost: Generally the expenses are predictable and will be known up front. Cost ranges from nothing to $40,000 or more.

Potential Wait: The wait for a child varies greatly; intercountry adoptions may have more “predictable” waiting periods.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Adoptive parent characteristics vary depending on the type of adoption and child requested.

Post-Placement Support: Post-adoption support varies depending on the region, agency resources, type of adoption, and needs of the child.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: The “openness” of the adoption varies by agency, type of adoption, and preferences of all involved.

Independent (Attorney) Adoption

Agency Oversight: Independent adoptions generally do not involve as much oversight as adoptions with licensed agencies. They must comply with State laws and regulations (not all States allow for this type of adoption). Assisting attorneys must adhere to the standards of the State’s Bar Association.

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Generally voluntary relinquishments by birth mothers and/or birth fathers. Situations will vary by laws of the involved States.

Child Characteristics: Characteristics of children placed independently can vary greatly due to prenatal care and genetics.

Cost: Costs can be unpredictable but generally average between $10,000 and $15,000. State law regulates allowable expenses (e.g., birth mother’s medical care).

Potential Wait: Time to find a potential match and have a child placed is unpredictable and may be shorter or longer than a wait for an infant placement through a licensed private agency.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Since expectant parents choose a family, adoptive parents’ characteristics depend on individual expectant or birth parent’s wishes.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement support varies depending on the region and the child’s needs.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Birth and adoptive families have direct contact with one another, often allowing for exchange of medical and family history.

Facilitated/Unlicensed Agency Adoption

Agency Oversight: This type of adoption involves the least amount of oversight. Some States regulate facilitators, while in other States anyone can declare themselves to be an “adoption facilitator.”

Voluntary Surrender or Termination of Parental Rights (TPR): Generally voluntary relinquishments by birth mothers and/or birth fathers. Situations will vary by laws of the involved States.

Child Characteristics: The health status of domestic infants vary greatly, as with any newborn, due to prenatal care, genetics, etc.

Cost: Expenses are regulated by State law but can still be unpredictable. Facilitated adoptions can cost as much or more than licensed private agency adoptions.

Potential Wait: The wait can vary tremendously depending on the situation and involved parties.

Adoptive Parent Characteristics: Since expectant parents often choose a family through a facilitator, adoptive parents’ age and other characteristics will depend a great deal on the individual expectant or birth parents’ wishes.

Post-Placement Support: Post-placement services vary depending on the region, agency resources, and the child’s needs.

Potential Birth Parent Involvement/Access to Family History: Birth parent involvement and access to the child’s family history vary depending on the facilitator and the wishes of involved parties.

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

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