When we decided to adopt it was a very spontaneous decision. During a frustrating conversation with my mother about my sister’s poor parenting choices, I blurted out “Don’t call me about her behavior again unless you’re calling to ask me to raise one of her children”. –That was all it took.

All that afternoon (Valentine’s Day 2004), the thought of adoption wouldn’t go away. I approached my husband with the idea later that evening and by that Sunday, we agreed that it was what our family needed. We sat our children down that weekend and told them our idea. All four (3 of ours and 1 of his) were in agreement. We started looking into what we would have to do the following Monday. Conveniently, the foster parent classes started that March….after 6 weeks of them, we were licensed foster parents and the wait began.

After having difficulty conceiving both our sons, we were in the throes of infertility treatments to try and conceive a third child. We always knew we wanted 3 kids, and with just the 4 of us, it felt like someone was missing. Once my doctor gave me the facts of the UNlikelihood of us conceiving a third time, my husband suggested adoption. I was resistant, not wanting to “babysit” someone else’s child. I knew virtually nothing about adoption. But during the spring of 2002 I grieved and researched adoption on the sly. My heart and mind finally connected and my husband breathed a sigh of relief when I said, “Let’s look into adopting.” We signed on with our facilitator in July and Tessa was born, literally into my arms, 15 months later. I’m SOOOOO glad now that our family is complete and cannot imagine having a child other than our daughter.

I had always been drawn to adoption, but I never realized that I would ever do it myself. From the time I first saw “Pete’s Dragon” as a little girl, I wanted to love a child who needed me. I had my life all planned out. I married at 23. We would have our first child at 28 and our second at 30. But when I failed to conceive, I insisted upon going to an infertility specialist after 6 months with dh kicking and screaming. After about a year of failed IF treatments, I was ready to adopt, but dh wanted to try IF longer. After 3-1/2 years of IF heartache, I went to an adoption orientation alone. It took another 5 months to get dh to agree on filling out the application. The deciding factor was when I asked myself the question, “Is the goal to become pregnant or to become a parent?” I realized that pregnancy was such a small part of being a parent. It took dh a little longer to get on board. But now, he ADORES our son and wouldn’t change a thing.

When I remarried I assumed it would be easy to get pregnant again esp. after the first time (we tried once and boom there was Phil) Boy was I wrong. Actually I was able to get pregnant 5 times and I miscarried 5 times anywhere from 9 to 18 weeks gestation. After the last miscarriage I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. We were told we could go thru IF treatments I told Scott I couldn’t go thru it (miscarriage) again. So we turned to a friend who was an adoption attorney who helped us navigate the maze. For me it wasn’t about being pregnant. I had done that before and I was a terrible pregnant person. I would have done it again if Scott had his heart set on a biological child but since he was adopted at birth to him it didn’t matter how we had our children It was about being a parent together. So adoption was the path we followed.

I got my tubes tied after the birth of my 3rd child.When the youngest was 6 my husband and i wanted more children. Adoption was the what we both wanted.My husband is adopted and for him it was the best decision.Boy was he right.Went through adoption hell in the states.Our children were found in a foreign country.

DH and I decided to adopt because we did not want to pursue IF treatments. As a poster said above. The goal is to become a parent not to get pregnant. It does not matter how our family comes to us, and we wanted to give a child/children a loving home. We made the decision rather quickly (in 3 days) and have not looked back. We are really looking forward to this process. The more you want something the more you appreciate it when your dreams come true. A year ago I thought this would be a hard decision but it wasn’t. I can’t wait to be a mommy.

Sometime around second grade, I told people that I wanted to adopt. I often thought that I’d adopt and do the biological route…….but didn’t give it that much thought at all. When I met dh (high school sweetheart)….we both felt that adoption was for us. We both had health issues within our extended family (diabetes, severe early onset arthritis, etc)….and even though neither of us had/have these health issues, we just felt we couldn’t knowingly put these issues on a baby through genetics. We also felt/feel that there are already too many people on the planet. (Just our opinion)….and we weren’t people who felt the need to have kids that looked anything like us. So, we knew that if we had children…we’d adopt. DH was enlisted in the Air Force for awhile….we married before his first official orders; and when he got orders for Japan….we felt we’d pursue our adoption efforts there. We adopted our first baby from Korea in 1981 (born 1980)…next baby from Japan in 1982. Years passed before we went the older child route in ’96 and ’98. In 2001….we went back to baby adoptions through private agency/attorney. First private agency baby was adopted then; and our most recent adoption was completed in 2003 (another baby).

Many people ask us this because we already have 2 bio children.one boy and one girl.so they say “why would you want more and why would you adopt instead of going the natural route?” i got very ill with my pregnancies and even though i was capable of conceiving it was so hard on me and my body and the kids that we decided that adoption would be the route we would take to have the larger family we always wanted.and deep inside i always thought it was a way to provide a loving home to a child in need.

Part Two

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What made you decide to adopt?

We asked some of the members of our adoption forum and here’s what they had to say. Feel free to answer in a comment here. We’d love to know what our visitors think.  

Read part one here

At first, adoption was not something we thought about. We wanted to get pregnant and create a little person that looked like one or both of us, and we spent the better part of a decade and tens of thousands of dollars trying to achieve this. At some point, the desire to be a parent grew larger than the desire to give birth. And the desire to love a child, any child, grew larger than the desire to love a child that looked like us.

Years ago, when I married my husband, he was not the kind of man who would ever adopt a child, let alone a child that was not white. This was due to his family background, and not something I blame him personally for. As he experienced loss after loss, and piles of disappointments and failed treatments, his perspectives changed. The desire to parent a child outgrew any ingrained opinions he may have had.

In the end, it was my husband, the man who said he could not love a child that did not come from himself, who led the charge into the adoption arena. The man who was afraid to fly, who got on a plane and flew 27 – 30 hours one way because the little brown babies that the agency said were his were waiting for him half a world away.

We adopted because loving a child makes one very brave, makes one stronger than one thought possible. It sustains one through the darkness and restores hope and faith and purpose.

I have to say, I always knew this would be the way I had my family; some sort of instinctual innate feeling that I can not describe but always felt. Apparently I even announced it on occasion because my mom can remember me making random statements about not birthing children but adopting!

Societal pressures pushed me into attempting to get pregnant and I can remember going thru the attempts thinking “who am I kidding?” because a little voice inside me kept telling me adoption!

The most “free-ing” conversation I ever had with my doctor was the one where he stated that I may want to consider alternative options to getting pregnant the traditional way…I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and said “adoption” He wanted to talk about ALL the alternatives but I was matter of fact “thanks but no thanks” so it may sound corny to say “I always knew….” but I really did always know!

While I was married, my husband and I discussed children at various times. Seemed like we were never on the same page at the same time but it became a stronger and stronger desire of mine to be a parent. We struggled with fertility issues as well and my H did not want to adopt. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what I really wanted: the experience of pregnancy and having a biological child; or did I just have the desire to have a child and the gene connection was not important.

After my divorce (which was not totally due to the kid issue), it hit me that I could be a single parent. I looked at the possibilities from all sides and decided as a single I really wasn’t interested in having an infant. So, I elected to adopt an older child and went through the CPS system. I met my daughter about 6 weeks before her 7th bday and she’s been home for a year now. It is, without question, the best decision I’ve ever made. She is my joy.

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The Reluctant Spouse:
Don’t be surprised if your mate resists adoption even as you’re embracing it.
By Jill Smolowe

It had been a long haul to convince my husband to start a family. When biology failed us, he felt the subject of children was closed. By then past 50, Joe was not interested in raising a child whom he inelegantly described as someone else’s kid. That was before we went to China in January 1995 and held an adorable, alert seven-month-old girl, who cast her spell over Joe in about five minutes flat. By the time we got home two weeks later, Joe was undeniably, smittenly, inalterably Beckys father.

Now that theres a happy ending, Joe and I can laugh about some of our more heated debates, and share our experiences with other couples who are thinking about or pursuing adoption. But when we were in the midst of the decision-making process, I thought Joe and I were a seriously defective marital unit.

At the time, nobody I knew had a spouse so reluctant about children in general, and adoption in particular. Why couldn’t we get it together? It should not be this hard, I told myself, even as I persevered. What is wrong with us? Everybody else manages to have kids without all this sturm and drang.

Or so I thought, until I published an account that spoke candidly of the stresses that the long journey to parenthood had put on our marriage. Suddenly, total strangers opened up to us. And, lo! I discovered that Joe and I were not unique. Perhaps not even unusual. Many, many couples, we learned, had been or currently are deeply divided over the issue of adoption.

By that, I don’t mean the sort of frustrations that draw appreciative laughs from an adoption audience. (Say, shes got her birth certificate in hand for the home study, while he hasn’t sent away for his yet.) Rather, I mean bone marrow deep differences that, as happened in my case, can put a marriage on the line. I mean differences so fundamental that some marriages bust up as a result.

Sadly, such couples often struggle in isolation, when some empathy and support, particularly from other adoptive couples who have worked through their differences, might ease the strain. Often, fear of the unknown stands in the way, says Jan Garten, a Manhattan marriage therapist who counsels many couples divided about adoption. Its good to talk to people who have gone through the process.

The toughest decision, of course, is the first: Will we adopt, or wont we? Marriage counselors, adoption specialists, and social workers agree that when a couple is not in lockstep, its usually the wife who wants to proceed, and the husband who doesn’t. (Anecdotal evidence suggests that reluctant men are often ambivalent about adoption, but resistant women tend to be inflexible.)

Some adoption experts maintain that its wrong to press ahead with an adoption before a reluctant spouse is fully on board. They argue that before launching a search, a couple needs not only to confront, but sort out and resolve all uncertainties, ambivalences, and concerns about adoption.

For many couples, though, you might as well ask them to foresee and figure out the rest of their lives. Why? Consider the range of concerns that fuel reluctance:
Age. (Am I too old to be a parent? Will I have enough energy? Enough patience? Enough love?)
Money. (How can I save for a college education when I need to save for retirement? Will an adoption eat up all my savings? Will we ever get to take a vacation again?)
Time. (Will a child be too disruptive? Will I have to curb my work hours? Do I want to?)
Family. (Will my parents reject an adopted child? Will my children from a prior marriage resent me for starting a new family? Will I make the same parenting mistakes again?)
The unknown. (Who will the child be? What genetic surprises might be in store? Will I be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological one?)

Such questions are important, legitimate and often unanswerable until a couple is actually living the changes a child brings. They reflect the reluctant spouses focus on what may be lost: financial security, spousal attention, uninterrupted work time, a biological connection. Until the spouse experiences the benefits that come with parenting, there is essentially nothing to mitigate those fears.

Even after a spouse agrees reluctantly to move forward, there may be backsliding. This is understandable when you contrast a pregnancy with the adoption process. Typically, a pregnancy is a fait accompli that gives a reluctant spouse nine months to ease into the idea of parenthood. Greeted with joy and excitement by friends and relatives, a pregnancy tends to inspire questions like: Do you know if its a boy or girl? Have you picked a name? How much time do you plan to take off from work?

Now, consider the kinds of issues that couples are forced to confront during the adoption process. What age child do you want? What sex? What health condition? What ethnicity? What race? How much contact do you want with birthparents? How do you plan to raise this child? How will you speak of adoption to him? What role will the childs ethnic heritage play in her life? How will you cope with an emotional or physical disability? What will you do if your relatives don’t embrace this child? And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the procedural aspects. Lawyer or agency? Public or private? Open or closed? Domestic or overseas?

Such questions not only thrust the issue of baby at a reluctant spouse over and over, but demand repeatedly that he opt in or out. In essence, the process requires that he try to envision the child’s entire upbringing at a time when he might prefer not to think about children at all.

The upside is that this insistent probing gives adoptive couples a rigorous preparation for parenting that the biological route rarely affords. The downside is that every new question and issue risks reigniting or ratcheting up a reluctant spouses resistance. My own husband signed on and off to adoption so often that by the time we boarded the plane for China, neither one of us could have said for certain whether he would stick around after we returned home.

He did.

In fact, the man who for years had insisted that he was too old, too busy, too uninterested in kids, is a wonderful, involved father who resents even the occasional business trip that keeps him from tucking Becky in at night. These days when a call comes in from a distressed couple, Joe gets on the phone with the reluctant spouse sometimes, literally, for hours. He listens. He empathizes and commiserates. He reassures them that their fears and concerns are legitimate. Then, ever so subtly, he encourages them to take the plunge.

Jill Smolowe, an adoptive parent, is a journalist and the author of An Empty Lap (Pocket Books). She lives in New Jersey with her husband, Joe Treen, and with their daughter, Becky.

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The Aussie movie star and his wife, Deborra-Lee, have two kids who they adopted as babies from America – Oscar, eight, and three-year-old Ava.

But, like Madonna, their hopes of giving a home to a Third World child were crushed by rules that made it virtually impossible to adopt from Africa or Asia.

Speaking exclusively Britain’s The Sun, Hugh – who hit cinema screens this week as razor-clawed X-Men character Wolverine – said: “The adoption laws in Australia are too restrictive. Of course, checks need to be made. But they had a very negative approach.

“It was like they were trying to discourage you. There are 130million orphans in the world – who is looking after them? If you are a citizen of the world, on some level they are all our responsibility.

“And if you have got parents who want to adopt and there are children who need a home, it seems like a no-brainer.

“There are not that many children in Australia who need adopting, so we looked internationally and that is what is difficult.”

The couple turned to adoption after actress Deborra-Lee, 53, suffered repeat miscarriages. But they insist they would have done it regardless.

Hugh, 40, said: “We tried and it just didn’t happen for us. There was no particular medical reason.

“We had a few miscarriages, which was very upsetting. But we always planned on adopting anyway, even if we had our own biological children.”

He said he could understand Madonna’s desire to add to her brood – Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and three-year-old David Banda, who she adopted from Malawi in 2006.

And he is sickened by cynics who applauded an African judge’s decision to reject her bid to become mum to baby girl Mercy James earlier this month.

Hugh said: “I challenge anyone who thinks you adopt a kid for a publicity stunt. Anyone parent knows that would have to be the most intensive publicity stunt in the world. I am sure she is coming from a good place.”

However, unlike the pop queen, Hugh has no plans to expand his family.

Laughing, he continued: “We think about another adoption. Then every time we get on a plane with our two kids and are all crammed in together, we think maybe we will leave it at what we have.

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Waiting To Adopt
Open Adoption, Semi-Open Adoption And Closed Adoption

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Celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, more than 300 events are held each year throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt. In total, more than 20,000 children have been adopted from foster care on National Adoption Day. This year, National Adoption Day will be Saturday, November 15, 2008.

Goals of National Adoption Day 2008
• Finalize adoptions from foster care in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico
• Celebrate and honor all families who adopt
• Raise awareness about the 129,000 children in foster care waiting for adoption
• Encourage others to adopt children from foster care
• Build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts, and advocacy organizations
• Communicate availability and need for post-adoptive services

History of National Adoption Day
In just eight years, National Adoption Day has truly grown from nine events in its first year to more than 300 events in 2007, with 4,300 adoptions finalized in 2007 as part of more than 300 events in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

National Adoption Day Sponsors
A coalition of national partners – The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and Freddie Mac Foundation – sponsor National Adoption Day to draw special attention to foster children waiting for permanent families and to celebrate all loving families that adopt.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners
The Alliance for Children’s Rights – The Alliance for Children’s Rights is Los Angeles’ only free legal
services organization devoted solely to helping children living in poverty and foster care. The Alliance’s mission is to ensure children get the support and services they need to become healthy, productive adults. Since 1992, The Alliance has worked together with the Los Angeles Juvenile Court and the Department of Children and Family Services to expedite and increase the number of children adopted from Los Angeles foster care.

Casey Family Services – Casey Family Services is the direct service agency of the Annie E. Casey
Foundation, the nation’s largest private foundation serving fragile U.S. children, families and communities, started by United Parcel Service founder Jim Casey. Casey Family Services has worked with foster and adoptive families for nearly 30 years and is dedicated to helping build better futures for disadvantaged children here in the United States.

Children’s Action Network – Formed in 1990 by leaders in the entertainment industry, the Children’s
Action Network (CAN) is dedicated to improving the lives of America’s children. Through extensive public education campaigns, community-based programs and policy initiatives, CAN uses the power of the entertainment community to increase awareness about children’s issues and make them a top priority in everyday life.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute – The Congressional Coalition on Adoption
Institute (CCAI) is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about children in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes; and to eliminating the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic need of a family. CCAI serves as an informational and educational resource to policymakers as they seek to draft positive adoption legislation and to focusing public attention on the advantages of adoption.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a leading
partner of National Adoption Day, a collaborative national effort to raise awareness of the 129,000
children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families and to celebrate all families who adopt. By drawing attention to the joy of thousands of children who have finally found their “forever families,” the Foundation and its partners hope to encourage even more families to consider adopting a child out of foster care.

Freddie Mac Foundation – Created by Freddie Mac in 1991, the Freddie Mac Foundation is dedicated to making home a place where children and families thrive. As the largest corporate funder in the
Washington, DC metropolitan area, Freddie Mac and the Freddie Mac Foundation have invested more
than $348 million in organizations serving the community.

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1. Make sure that you’re ready to adopt a child/baby that isn’t biologically yours. If you still have issues surrounding the fact that this baby was NOT grown by you, did NOTcome from your biological roots, will probably NOT look like you….then I believe you’re not ready to adopt.

2. Make sure you realize there will be extra hoops and intrusions into your life/lives when you venture into adoption. This won’t be something done overnight. Even if you had a situation ready……there will still be paperwork, homestudies to accomplish, extremely probing questions into your intimate life/lives that you’ll have to answer before being ‘approved’ and/or adopting a baby.

3. Make sure that you can love a child that isn’t biologically yours; and if you choose (or happen to) biologically reproduce a child after you’ve adopted one, that you will not treat the adopted child any differently than the biological one.

4. Be sure you’re ready to deal with issues from your baby’s adoption status and those of the biologicals. Some issues surrounding the conception of an adopted child are not pleasant ones; some of the issues dealing with the type of biological person who conceived your baby may not be good. Be sure you’ll be able to discern when/why to disclose this info to your child. It will be your child’s history and will probably be something they’ll want/need to know. Be prepared to share it with them when questions are asked. You’ll be the best source of support for your child; make sure that you can discern when/if to discuss these issues with anyone other than them—IF this is a necessity.

5. Discuss what type of child/baby you’re truly wanting. These might include the age of the baby; the amount of drug exposure inutero; the circumstances surrounding the baby’s conception (incest, rape, etc), whether you wish to parent a child of any race other than your own. Don’t ‘settle’ for any issues other than those you’re wanting/willing to deal with. There are often situations that may seem ‘good’ only because they’ve come quickly and ‘you’re the only parents who’d want them’. Try to avoid thinking with your heart. Instead take the time to talk and think about each scenario. If an attorney/agency/facilitator pressures you into ‘acting very quickly’…this situation may not be a good one to take and better to ‘pass’ on.

And remember that some issues are ones that may or may not present themselves as a problem while the baby is an infant. Be prepared with supports available for possible problems if you choose to accept a child with possible special needs, as this may be a lifetime of planning and commitment from you.

6. Don’t choose to adopt from the foster care system, or any other entity, ONLY because it’s less expensive. Foster care adoption may be less expensive in the short-term; but the issues involving a lot of children (even toddlers) from the foster care system may involve a lifetime of therapists, counselors and physicians; as well as the emotional turmoil that may occur due to attachment issues and moves throughout the foster system for months or years.

7. Don’t choose an attorney/agency simply because they seem bigger or advertise a lot more, have a fancier website or claim to give more resources ‘on paper’. Adopting from a ‘quick and fast’ attorney, agency or facilitator may seem easier or more productive; but sometimes these routes may also be unethical and/or lack proper supports for you during and after the adoption process. They may also ‘cut corners’ where certain legalities weren’t properly completed. Most, if not all scenarios involving biologicals coming back to reclaim the child, are so because of attorneys/agencies/facilitators who didn’t handle the adoption procedures ethically in the first place, leaving the adoption in an illegal status.
It pays to do your homework and deal with entities who have good references, are well known for their ethical standards, and can produce credentials to show an involvement with possible changes and, where applicable, continuing educational classes in adoption law. (Example: A member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, etc.)

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