You should steer clear of planning a surprise celebration on the day the family brings their child home. This can be a very emotional time – the new parents and child (especially if the child is older) will need a period of adjustment. It is very important to be sensitive to their needs. In this case, delivering care packages and planning your celebration for a later date would be acceptable and appreciated. Be sure to talk with the new parents and find out what their wants and needs are before you set a shower date.

Your shower invitations should be sent out three to four weeks in advance, and should include the time, date, and location of the shower. Don’t forget to set an RSVP date with your telephone number and address. If it is at all possible, include the child’s birth date, as well as when he or she was officially adopted or welcomed into the home of his or her new parents. This will help your guests to pick age appropriate gifts. In the case of foreign adoptions, you could also add information about the birth country to inform your guests.

As with other baby showers, the theme for an adoption baby shower should be the same. However, if the child that was adopted is older, you should tailor your party to suit their age and favorite things. For example, a small girl might love everything that involves the Disney princesses and may go absolutely crazy over the color pink. In turn, an older boy may be fascinated by soccer and anything green. Don’t be afraid to be a little creative to help make the party a special celebration to welcome the new child into your circle of family and friends!

Baby shower games are important too! However, stay away from games that are maternity-related. It’s very important that you keep in mind that you are celebrating the gift of adoption. Your games help set the tone of the party, and should be mixed in with any other activity going on. An average shower lasts about two hours, so look at playing two to three party games. If the new parents are adopting an older child, make sure your games reflect that as well. One great adoption party activity is to organize a Welcome Book for the new child. Ask guests to bring pictures of themselves and their families to assemble into a scrapbook page they will create at the shower.

All of your shower decorations will naturally depend on the style, theme, and number of people attending. Balloons and streamers are standard, but there are a lot of creative and fun ideas to make the party extra-special. You’re truly only limited by your imagination here.

If the adoption is an international one, you could use decorations that reflect the child’s place of birth, and include recipes from his or her home country. For guests, it will be a learning experience.
As with decorations, party favors should match your shower theme and party size. Your favors can be used as place settings, prizes, or they can be handed out at the end of the party. A very popular idea for adoption showers is a special program for guests to keep. Written inside should be commitments to the child from his or her new parents, poems about love, family, and adoption, and prayers for the future.
When labeling your favor, keep in mind that your party is, again, in honor of an adoption, not a birth. Your wording on gift tags should reflect that.

Adoption is a very exciting time for the new parents. A baby shower or welcome party allows friends and family members to share in on the family’s joy. When you host or even attend such a party, it is very important to know the needs and wants of the parents. Be sure to know ahead of time how old the child is. Find out if the parents have registered anywhere. Parents who are adopting should be reminded that they can actually register for older children as well as newborns.

By planning and hosting an adoption party, you are helping the new family formalize the acceptance of their child into their circle. You will be creating an occasion that will be documented for the child to look at in the future and remind them how much they were welcomed and loved from the start.

About the Author: Amanda Baker writes for All Things Pondered: http://www.allthingspondered.com – A place to learn, share and grow! Amanda also writes for To Be Informed : http://tobeinformed.com – Health, Fitness and Wellness.

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Click here to watch live . You can login, watch Debbie, and type in questions and comments for her.
Click here to watch the archived interview (Click on the May 19 episode to watch the 60 minute show).

Some of the topics Debbie hopes to cover tonight are:
• What is Forever Families Weekend and why did I start the program?
• Is there such a thing as a “religion of origin?”
• Is a change of religion from birth family to adoptive family another loss in the adoption experience?
• How does religion factor into the developmental search for identity that EVERY child goes through and that is often more complicated for adoptees?
• Are we, as adults in the adoption community, ignoring something that needs to be addressed?
• Of course, children who join their families through adoption need to be full members of those families, so being raised in their “religion of origin” would create just as many issues as it might solve, so how do we address this? Is it enough just to acknowledge it?
• When we talk with adoptees about ways in which their adoptive and birth families differ, how do we address this issue (with the idea that we need to make that process less emotionally charged)?

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Unlike adoptions in many other countries, where parents learn the identities of their children rather late in the process, Haitian adoptions typically match parents up with children near the beginning. That gives parents the opportunity to travel to Haiti multiple times during the adoption process to spend time with their children and bond with them.

The waiting game had been hard enough before Tuesday’s earthquake, with parents worrying daily about malnourished sons and daughters they had already come to know quite well. But since the earthquake, many have no way of knowing whether their children are alive or dead.

For parents who have gotten word that their children are still alive, the worries are far from over. They’re terrified that food and water supplies will run out for their already compromised kids, and they’re filled with dread that the lengthy and cumbersome adoption process in Haiti is about to become much longer.

The U.S. State Department said that it is working with the Department of Homeland Security to determine how to handle the cases of the 254 Haitian children who are in the process of being adopted into U.S. homes. Adopting parents can send their information, including the names of their children and orphanages, to AskCI@state.gov, so the State Department has a good way to contact parents. Click for more information on the adoption process in Haiti.

For people interested in Haiti adoption, the State Department issued the following statement on the issue:

The State Department has received calls from Americans offering to open their homes and adopt Haitian children in need.

It is extremely difficult in circumstances such as this to determine whether children who appear to be orphans are eligible for adoption. Children may be temporarily separated from parents and other family. It is particularly difficult to fulfill the U.S. and local requirements for legal adoption when civil authority is handicapped in its ability ensure the best interests of children and their families have been protected. For now, U.S. citizens can best help the children of Haiti through financial contribution to the relief effort.

Adoptions from Haiti make up a fraction of international adoptions to the United States each year, but the number has been growing steadily as countries such as China and Guatemala have slowed or closed to international adoption in recent years. The U.S. State Department issued 330 immigrant visas to Haitian children last year, up from 96 in 1999.

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“He is medically fragile and when we learned that he would not be able to return to his birth parents and that they couldn’t find a home for him, our hearts just broke,” Stephanie Hayes said. It not only broke their hearts, it spurred them to action. The Hayes decided that Jaylan should have a permanent home and they went up to UAB Medical Center to get their son.

Doctors predicted that the now 30-month-old Jaylan wouldn’t make it, but he is thriving under the care of his parents. And they’re enjoying the love that he’s brought to their home. Henry said Jaylan could have never gotten the care that he needed if it weren’t for foster care, and that’s why it’s so important that more people open their homes and become foster parents.

State officials hope more people in Alabama will hear that message and be spurred to action. The state celebrated a milestone of finalizing 676 adoptions in fiscal 2009, more than it has ever had before. Many of the adoptions were by families such as the Hayeses, who were already caring for foster children.

Department of Human Resources Commissioner Nancy Buckner said that creates not only a need for more families willing to adopt, but more families willing to provide foster care for children. There are 650 children in foster care who are waiting for their adoptions to be finalized, and there are more than 250 children waiting for someone to step forward and say that they will adopt a child.

“We are spreading the message that there is an urgency for permanency,” Buckner said. It’s a message that Laura Murdock and Mary Williams, both of Montgomery, heeded. Murdock provided foster care for two little boys and when they became eligible for adoption, she said it was the best decision for everyone. The boys had been back and forth between her home and that of a family member’s, and she wanted them with her forever. “I’d had them off and on since they were little,” she said. “We just fell in love with each other and that was it.”

Williams said being a foster parent is one of the best decisions that she ever made. Back in 2002 she opened her home to four siblings, and when they became eligible for adoption she jumped at the chance to give them a permanent home. Those children are now 18, 16 and the twins are 15, and Williams said she’s ready to start all over again. “They’ve brought a lot of joy to my life and they’ve just been a wonderful blessing,” she said.

To learn more about foster care or adoptions in the state of Alabama, call 1-800-4AL-KIDS. or visit their site.

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The American Civil Liberties Union of Florida is proud to announce that Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City star and LGBT rights advocate, will join us on Saturday, January 9, 2010 to kick off the ACLU’s three-year campaign to end Florida’s ban on adoption by gay and lesbian people.

The event, to be held poolside at South Beach’s luxurious Shore Club, will begin with a VIP reception at 7:15 p.m., followed by a press line, and the main event at 8:30 p.m. Further details on the press line will be available the first week of January. Details and tickets are available at www.aclufl.org/adoption

WHAT:
ACLU Adoption Campaign Kick-Off

WHEN:
Saturday, Jan. 9, 2010

WHERE:
Shore Club | 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach

WHO:
Cynthia Nixon
U.S. Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
Florida Senator Nan Rich
Florida Representative Mary Brandenburg
Howard Simon, ACLU of Florida Executive Director
Robert Rosenwald, ACLU-FL LGBT Advocacy Project Director
Martin Gill, ACLU plaintiff, father of two foster children for five years

The ACLU of Florida’s LGBT Advocacy Project and national ACLU LGBT Project sued the state on behalf of a North Miami man and two brothers who he had been fostering at the state’s request for four years – the only stable home the children have ever known. In a landmark November 2008 decision, a Miami judge ruled that the two boys, now ages five and nine, can remain with the adoptive father, who is gay. The State appealed to the Third District Court of Appeals, where the case has been argued. We are currently awaiting the court’s opinion.

In July 2009, The Tides Foundation’s State Equality Fund awarded a $240,000 grant to the American Civil Liberties Union Foundation of Florida’s Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (LGBT) Advocacy Project to fund a three-year public education and outreach campaign.

In addition, the John C. Graves Charitable Fund of the Community Foundation of Broward has provided a quarter of a million dollars to support the ACLU of Florida’s LGBT rights work since 2005, including the initial grant that seeded the LGBT Advocacy Project. Other significant support has come from The GLBT Community Projects Fund at Dade Community Foundation, and the Scott Opler Foundation. The ACLU’s Campaign to End Florida’s Adoption Ban is designed to support the ACLU’s lawsuit challenging the adoption ban by educating Floridians about the adoption ban and the negative impact it has on Florida’s children and families.

CONTACT:
Brandon Hensler, Director of Communications, (786) 363-2737 or media@aclufl.org

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The following was submitted by Beth, one of our blog readers. Leave a comment here if you’d like to share your adoption story also.

We have three children. Our oldest daughter and son were adopted at birth. Our youngest son was adopted right before his tenth birthday. This is a story of both joy and sorrow, excitement and patience, and most importantly, unconditional love.

My husband and I were married in 1965. Like most young couples at that time, we wanted children. We started trying right away. After two years, and no baby, we sought out medical advice. Unlike the medical treatments and techniques available today, in vitro fertilization, hormone therapies, etc., were not available at that time – at least not to us. We both worked, but didn’t have a lot of expendable cash, and we turned to the only thing we knew – adoption.

Even back then, the adoption process was not a quick one. We applied for adoption through the State of Wisconsin, and were subjected to background checks, home visits, and social worker interviews before we would even be considered. But fortunately, we were put on “the list” and began the waiting game. In the fall of 1969, we were told that a baby boy was available for adoption. We were ecstatic! We could hardly wait to see our son and bring him home. But finally, after more waiting, and interviews and home visits galore, we were able to pick up our baby boy. And he was beautiful – perfect, just like we imagined he would be. It’s hard to put into words how much you can love someone so little, how much that little person can make a couple into a family. But he did. There’s nothing that can explain the love and pride you have in your own child – it didn’t matter that we didn’t conceive him, it mattered that he was put in our hands to love and guide for the rest of our lives. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

In the summer of 1971, we were able to experience this joy for the second time. This time, we adopted a baby girl – and now we felt our family was complete. You think you can’t love anyone more than your first child, and then the second comes along and you realize your heart just gets bigger and you can love another child just as much as the first. It took about a year for each of our children to become “officially” ours, meaning, when the court turned over full custody to us.

After some time, we decided to adopt again. However, it had become more difficult at this point. My husband was over 35. Apparently this was some magic number suggesting that he was too old to care for an infant. So once again, we began the adoption process, this time hoping to adopt a toddler or young child. Once again, we were subjected to home visits, only now, the social workers also interviewed our children. I guess they were trying to asses if this would be a good home for a child. It took longer this time. Another thing that was different, is that we had some choice – we were able to read case files on children to see if they would be a good fit for our family. We could “accept” or “reject” them. We finally found a boy that seemed like he would be a good fit for our family – he was nine years old at the time, older than we had hoped.

Unlike with an infant, he had to do home visits with us and he also got to decide if we were a good family for him. I think this took a couple of months. It was different than adopting a baby – when our older son and daughter were placed in our arms, they were ours, totally and completely. This boy knew his other mother and grandparents. At the same time, once we got to know him, we started to fall in love with him, just as we had done with our older children. The process was different, but the end result was the same – after about a year, he became our son legally, and we couldn’t have loved him any more.

Thank you for letting me share.
Beth

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A Home For The Holidays shares, through the eyes of a child, the joy of having a family – not just for the holidays, but every day and forever. Each December, Wendy’s International, Inc., the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and Children’s Action Network present A Home for the Holidays, a CBS network television special bringing together all-star talent to raise awareness for foster care adoption.

In its 11th year, the special will feature Faith Hill and include performances by Carrie Underwood, Mary J. Blige, Reba McEntire, Michael Franti and Shakira.
Nia Vardolos and Jenna Elfman are among the celebrities who will present inspirational stories of extraordinary families who share the joys found through foster care adoption.

Since 1999, this heartwarming holiday special has generated tens of thousands of calls to the Foundation from viewers moved to action after hearing true stories of waiting children and families who adopted from foster care.

A Home for the Holidays
Celebrating families who adopt and the children in foster care who still wait.
December 23, 2009
8:00 – 9:00 p.m. EST/PST
7:00 – 8:00 p.m. MST/CST

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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“Years ago I was in a serious relationship with someone who, for political reasons, felt very strongly that he would never want to bring a child into this world when there were already so many children who needed families. I really thought I might marry this man, but I had always thought I would have children the “old-fashioned” way. In the end, our relationship didn’t survive (not because of this issue), but not before I had reached the conclusion that I could happily adopt a child someday.

My husband and I did not do anything to prevent pregnancy, but when it didn’t happen on its own, we moved directly to adoption, without pursuing any types of infertility treatment. We knew right away that our goal was to become parents – not pregnant – and adoption was an easy decision with that in mind.”

“I am a single parent. But even as a child, I was drawn to the idea of adoption. As soon as I began thinking of having a family, I always thought of adoption. I might have earlier thought of blending birth children and adopted children when I still thought I might marry.”

“I’ve always thought of adopting, but when I got married it wasn’t the first idea that came to mind in terms of forming our family. Then I gave birth to two kids, and that was wonderful. However, I’ve always thought three was the perfect number of children (maybe because there are three siblings in my family), and my husband and I had always agreed that it would be hard to justify bringing more than two kids into the world when it is already overpopulated, and considering that there are plenty of kids already out there without families. So when we decided not to have any more children by birth, we told ourselves that it didn’t mean “no more children at all.” And then, eventually, we decided to talk seriously about adoption, and one thing led to another…and here we are, expectant adopting parents of a four year old girl!

Another factor is knowing quite a few people in my immediate circle who have adopted–and adopted in a variety of configurations and ways (lesbian couple doing domestic adoption, single parent adopting internationally, hetero couple adopting internationally, “biracial” family doing transracial domestic adoption…) So we have had lots of vicarious experience to reinforce our initial inclination toward adoption.

I was also privileged to share closely in another person’s international adoption experience when I accompanied them overseas as a “support person” for the adoption. It was amazing to witness and be part of that process, even from the sidelines. I felt very strongly as I watched: “wow, giving birth was amazing, and this is also amazing, and I wish I could do this, too.” I feel extremely lucky because it seems I am going to have my wish.”

“As a child, my “fantasy” was not being a wife and mother, but being a mother with marriage as an afterthought. As I became a teenager I was made aware of different types of “orphans”…and began to solidify that I wanted to adopt when older no matter if I was single or married.

I was in a couple of relationships in my 20s and these guys didn’t want to adopt so I figured I would marry and have children like most people do. When these relationships didn’t end up in marriage I focused on eliminating my student loan debt and buying a home. When I completed that, I came to the realization that there is no perfect time to have children and that I could provide for a child, so adoption was an easy decision after that.

Now I’m just in the middle and although waiting is tough, I haven’t regretted my decision to date.”

“I always wanted to be a Father. From about the age of 12 I remembered telling people I was going to adopt and they laughed at me saying I will “want my own” child(ren) when I am old enough to know. Years have passed and I still want to adopt. My wife was on board for it as well. We know that fertility would be an issue for us and would require medical intervention if it was at all possible but we haven’t even bothered to try because we both agree that adoption is the only option for our family. People ask if we feel like we are missing out and we can genuinely say we don’t. The only time we think of having biological children is when we are sick of the wait but we know just because someone gets pregnant unfortunately does not equal a baby after the 9 months of waiting. I had a friend whose wife carried a baby full term when she delivered the baby was stillborn we were all devastated.
With that said we know adoption is our first and only real option.”

“When my second husband and I did not get pregnant (likely due to my age, he’s 10 yrs younger), we did not hesitate to call an adoption agency and get the ball rolling. There was no need for infertility clinics (and my doctor still felt at my age that it was a consideration). Adoption was never a “second choice” for our family. As an interracial couple, we knew there would be doors open for us and there certainly were as we went on to adopt 4 children. Although I had parented previously, my husband had not. But he says that with all of his heart, there is no way he ever looks back and wishes we could have had a biological child. Our 4 children are ours in every way possible and we are so very blessed!”

Continue on to Adoption As A First Option (pt.2)

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“Maybe not exactly what your asking, but my dh and I each had bio children from previous relationships. We never even discussed trying for babies with each other, and actually took measures against it. For some reason, both of us felt drawn to adopt older kids for “our” kids.”

“We did not try to conceive before we adopted, (or ever). Our oldest son was our foster son, and we were called right after his adoption was finalized to see if we were interested in putting in our home study for our youngest. We weren’t even looking to adopt either time, we’ve just been absolutely blessed!”

“I felt very early on, in childhood, that I wanted to adopt. When my husband and I met and dated, we knew before we ever married that adoption would be more important for us than giving birth. We were both of the opinion that the earth certainly had enough inhabitants already; and there were many babies/children who needed parents.

After being married for a couple of years, we had a ‘scare’ of thinking we were pregnant (totally unplanned). It turned out that I wasn’t, but it brought our minds into thinking of having children within the coming years (rather than waiting longer); and before we’d ever have an unplanned pregnancy again, we started the paperwork for genetic testing. (We felt passing on possible traits within our family tree was very unfair, and we wanted to know the odds of doing so.) It was also a way to make us feel more committed to adoption and having the justification to prove it, if necessary.

We filled out endless papers for the testing; were given an appointment; but before we could attend that appointment, we were sent orders to move overseas and we canceled the appointment. Once we received orders, we felt this was the best time to try to adopt, and made this clear to friends and relatives before we moved to Japan.

Once there, we soon saw the only adoption agency on the island (Okinawa) and were told they would start our homestudy, but needed to wait a couple of more months to be officially married for three years. (Requirement of the agency). Not only did we have the endless questions and papers to fill out; but we also had to hold an appointment with an MD to ‘justify’ our reasons to adopt, rather than give birth!!!! We had to actually ask the MD what were the chances of passing on genes we felt were inferior…and this, we did. He told us that even though we didn’t have these actual diseases, the chances were actually 50/50.
We were thrilled to have this comment, had him write this on the paperwork supplied by the agency, and were finally allowed to submit our homestudy to Korea.

On more than one occasion, we’ve been required and asked to explain our ‘wanting to adopt, rather than give birth’ to an agency. We’ve always felt this was ridiculously rude and insensitive that we should have to ‘justify’ our desire to NOT want to further populate the earth and/or pass on genetic traits we felt were unfair to pass on to future generations!!

To be sure we wouldn’t ‘birth’, we made provisions to ‘guarantee’ this. After our second child (baby) was adopted, we sought out the military to perform (sterilization). The Air Force refused, stating that they felt we were too young to decide this. However, during a ‘leave’ to the USA, dh’s childhood general physician agreed to perform the procedure and it was done.

The only time I have ever felt giving birth would have been more beneficial, was when I became totally frustrated with the waiting process…realizing that getting pregnant is usually much faster—-AND easier! (BTW….dh has NEVER felt giving birth would have been better!)

That’s our story of adoption being our first choice in a nutshell. It’s been over 26yrs that we made that choice and we’ve not regretted it.”

If you have also chosen adoption as your first option, please tell us about it in the comment section.

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