People often wonder why adoptive and preadoptive parents need support. It is assumed that adoptive parents have “all the joy and none of the pain”. Many have no idea what trials and tribulations adoptive families endure to “become real”. The devastation of childlessness can be a crippling disability, terribly misunderstood.

Pre-adoptive parents seek to share their joy with their co-workers, family, friends and neighbors and oftentimes, the reactions are surprisingly unsupportive. The same thing happens when they try to raise funds to offset adoption costs. They are shocked to learn that some people take offense at the idea. Here is a sampling of opinions offered by people who have not been touched by adoption. Have these been sensed, experienced, or thought by you?

People look down on adoptive parents because they “accepted the second rate option in lieu of the first rate.” Adoption is seen as second class parenting. People who adopt haven’t “paid their dues to get a child.” They have not undergone the trials of a strained marriage, lack of sex drive, fears of infidelity, emotional upheavals, anticipation and realization of huge belly, health complications, the vomiting  or thirty pound weight gain. Adoptive mothers still have their “girlish figure”, no stretch marks, no sagging breasts, and no episiotomy stitches.

People who adopt think that money can buy anything, even children. That fundraising to pay for adoptive fees is unfair, because “regular” parents don’t get help like that. People forget that many go through dozens of painful infertility procedures, have multiple miscarriages if they are lucky enough to get pregnant at all, and are completely stressed out by failure and huge fortunes spent before they approach adoption agencies. It’s harder to have a baby through adoption than by natural birth. Strain on marriage? Oh yes. Emotional upheavals? Most definitely. Lots of tears and frustration. Hopelessness. Anger at God for not being able to function like others. Lack of sex drive? Just ask couples who have had to monitor ovulation dates and temperatures for even a month or two. Fears of infidelity? The fear that your partner might want a fertile partner so that the family line will go on is quite real. As for that huge belly and stretch marks: those are beautiful in our eyes. If we could only share that experience. Health complications are in themselves reasons why many women fear becoming pregnant. They don’t want to pass on hereditary diseases, or jeopardize the babies’ or their own lives. Some have taken huge risks in the past and just don’t dare try it again. Some have nearly died.

It’s not about the money. That’s pretty clear by the way that adoption agencies vary to extremes in their fees. Having a family is the ultimate experience that, when unreachable, can become a blinding lure.

Children are not bought and sold. The fees to pay the people involved in matching, legals, etc. are what make adoption a business. It is illegal to pay a woman to surrender her child for adoption. Only certain living expenses may be given as assistance, and such money is not refundable if the mother changes her mind.

Adoption creates real families.

Real parents with their real children.

Though society persists in seeing the adoptive status as subordinate to a biological family’s connectedness, in day to day practice, this simply is not so. Attachment is forged and once solidified, the new bond should be, and is expected to be, as unconditionally loving and strong as the biological one. People who adopt children have parental instincts, too. The reaction to protect and nurture one’s young is a natural, inborn behavior.

People can live without being physically or emotionally complete. However, living without a huge part of what is expected from the norm creates suffering. It is reasonable when there is relief, to seek it. Fund raising helps people to overcome hardships when trying to reach important goals. People should not be criticized for wanting to parent. Parenting and Fostering have completely different goals. Fostering is temporary nurturing while the parents heal enough for the child to be returned. Parenting provides nurturing adults an assurance of permanency that can build upon itself: to actually raise that child over the growing years, and to be forever in that child’s life. Having that forever family is something which all children desire and deserve. Not everyone should, or can, Foster hurt older waiting children. If a childless couple longs to raise a newborn who has been freed for adoption, there should be no more stigma on that couple than on any other couple wanting their own baby. Pre-adoptive parents have been thoroughly screened and approved to raise children not born to them. Please do not judge or deny them the opportunity to fill the huge void in their lives.

A baby’s arrival is a joyous occasion for expectant parents, no matter how that baby comes home. Embrace and support loving, nurturing, educated adoptive homes. Read some of the many books on adoption. Share the experience with others.

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There are many adoptees who have no desire to search for their birth relatives at all, and are perfectly happy with how things are, and their adoptive lives are stable and secure. There are minor adoptees who feel imposed upon when they have to share details about their lives and photos of themselves to people who have not taken an active role in the triad, when those people originally asked for that. My son is one of them. His birthmother refused to answer his first questions and closed the door nine years ago: adding to the rejection that many adoptees feel at not having had any control over their original destinies. The hope of receiving family and medical history never really materialized despite my requests early on. And so this year, as agreed by all and was policy of the agency, my son has plans to stop further updates. He wants to move on with his life and not have to think about adoption, or be identified or labeled by the fact that he was adopted. He also has no desire to search or to be contacted when he turns eighteen. It is because we are a very openly communicative family and honesty given the highest place in our relationships, that I cannot go behind his back and try to maintain any contact in case he changes his mind. The fact remains that his own birthmother decided that she first wanted privacy. She does not want direct contact and does not respond to the letters and pictures I keep sending. So, it really isn’t my place to go between either of them.

The opinion that most preadoptive families now seek open adoption may be out of context. I believe that most preadoptive families approach adoption professionals not knowing much more than that they want to become parents. The professionals tell them what they believe is the best thing for adoptees, and the current majority viewpoint is open adoption. We embraced that concept with open minds and hearts like so many others, and ultimately it was not the right road for our triad at all.

People are unique, with unique experiences. Each situation deserves to have its unique ingredients appreciated as the analogous cake is baked. All it takes is one ingredient left out or added to ruin the recipe.

There are birthparents who are totally dissatisfied with Open Adoption because it did not present the things that they had anticipated. I can say the same thing as an adoptive parent. All the openness in the world cannot make another person share family and medical history if they choose not to. Openness cannot guarantee that there will not be drama, stress, or fear. Open Adoption is a work in progress and everyone involved has to participate in a productive way to get over the lumps and bumps. Without that willingness or cooperative effort, the waters can get murky.

I am really happy for those people who have incredible blended adoptive-biological family extensions that work beautifully. However, their success does not mean that people with huge differences in lifestyles, values, cultures, etc. will have the same experience. Likewise, children who have histories of abuse or neglect have challenging circumstances in their past which make Open Adoption typically impossible. Imagine the potential harm if everyone assumed that such a child had an ongoing relationship with his or her biological relatives, and unknowing teachers, doctors, friends’ parents and others continually asked about the relationship – as if adoption and open contact with birth relatives were expected.

Every adoptee has the right to privacy about their own circumstances surrounding their adoption. Adoptees have a right not to be identified or stigmatized by their adopted status. When biological relatives are identified, the intimacies of the original adoption circumstances can become public. While ongoing contact may minimalize the potential trauma of being asked about adoption, the fact remains that unrelated people could ask more, and more people could know…and why is that necessary? How is that productive?

If it’s really all about the adoptee, then the adoptee needs to be given choices, and have those choices respected. They are the last to be heard while everybody else rushes to decide what is best for them. Ask them. What I’ve heard is that they just want to be treated like anyone else. They want to have the opportunities of anyone else. They don’t want to be labeled. While many feel that open adoption best enables them to accomplish their goals, this is not always true because the dynamics of every triad is unique.

As potential adoptive parents, remember that your future children depend upon you to leave room for them to make personal choices when they’re ready. What if they don’t want eighteen years of contact, letters and photos? How could this be addressed? When is open contact not healthy for your child and would you confront the issues in an ethical and responsible way if a problem arose? What responsibilities do you expect out of triad contact, and how will you address them?

Thoughfully written by Keadie

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One social worker told me that she would flag any couple considering adoptive breastfeeding because she felt that it enabled an adoptive mother to go into denial that this baby was not biologically hers. Another felt that any non-structured religion should be flagged as a cult. Others encourage people to reveal, even elaborate on minor issues in the past because “nobody’s perfect, you shouldn’t try to look perfect”, and then do a 180 and demand to know why there wasn’t counseling. Just ask most domestic adoption agencies today if they would support you if you did not want an open adoption. Many will say that you need counseling, that there’s a problem with YOUR perception of healthy parenting.

It appears that the road to adoption is filled with surprise potholes. Some caseworkers will streamline the process and you feel totally comfortable working with them, while others are nitpicky and take extra time analyzing every last detail, slowing your timeline by up to a year. Just like any counselor, there are good and poor matches but when you select an agency, your choices of workers are limited. Many will only work with you if they themselves do your homestudy. If you get someone who appears to be abusing power and intimidating you, do not be afraid to go to management and ask for someone else. If it appears that your choice of agencies is the wrong one because of lack of communication; hidden fees; confrontational issues; feeling coerced into agreeing to a level of openness, health problems, or racial match that you really aren’t ready to choose AND they use scare tactics such as telling you that your chances of adopting are small if you don’t agree: then keep in mind that the longer you stay with them without speaking up, the deeper you could potentially become entangled.

“We can’t change agencies. We’ve already given them ten thousand dollars as a retainer.” Do not let that be your story. Research all of the adoption professionals within your state and the closest adjacent state to find your best, safest options. Ask ask ask all the questions you have before you give anybody any money. Read everything you can about today’s adoption choices. Knowledge is power. If the path that you’re on seems to keep growing steadily into a nightmare, you could actually save money if you find a better agency. Don’t be afraid to demand money back for services poorly or not performed. Document everything. YOU have hired THEM.

So how does all this affect your ability to parent? Do any of the following resonate with you?

“I was afraid to tell them that she is very ____. They might tell me that it isn’t a good fit”.

“What is this “at-risk” placement? Does this mean that they can take our baby away if they decide they don’t like us?”

“I’m afraid that if I tell them that it’s hard to feel like he’s mine when all I hear is his birthmother regretting and crying, that they’ll yell at me or worse.”

“I don’t even bother talking to the agency. It was hard enough getting them to return my phone calls when we were waiting. They don’t care.”

“My agency told me not to stop contact with my son’s birthmother after she began threatening us, because then she can say that we broke promises to her. I don’t feel any support from them.”

“I feel that our child’s medical problems were not disclosed enough. Now the school is saying that we’re in for a long road. This is not what I expected at all.”

” I wasn’t ready for some of the things they sprung on us.”

An absolutely wonderful book on adoptive parent attachment to their children and what factors hinder them is Mothers and Their Adopted Children: The Bonding Process (click to purchase on amazon.com) by Dorothy W. Smith and Laurie Nehls Sherwen. The Tiresias Press, Inc., NYC published it, copyright 1988. Library of Congress number: 87-051227. The authors did a very in-depth study of adoptive mothers. Smith and Sherwen stated that the parent/adoption agency relationship can do one of two things: either support the parent’s position and encourage their feelings of entitlement, or cause so much stress that parents are unable to form bonds. I have noticed very adoptive parent-supportive language in this book, which I appreciate. We are parents, and we form bonds: not just attachments. The topic of openness in adoption is also discussed from the perspective of (adoptive) mothers and their needs to claim their children without outside stress.

An agency’s blanket policy of open adoption being the only ethical and responsible way of going about things fails to recognize the intricate dance of every unique mother and child relationship. Short version: every situation is different, there is no right or wrong way. Similarly with adoptive breastfeeding. A case worker should be able to discern whether or not a couple still needs to grieve the inability to physically bear children. There is much support for adoptive breastfeeding as a way to encourage attachment as well as to provide antibodies to the area of the country where the family resides. Do preadoptive parents tell the caseworker about their desire to breastfeed when they know that many expectant mothers considering adoption see it as a “deal breaker” because of “the yuck factor”? My guess is that since agencies these days provide more of a fiduciary relationship with expectant mothers considering adoption than the people financing their legal expertise, the preadoptive families don’t readily offer that information. It’s a future option and not etched in stone. If there were more public support for it: being a nutritiously healthy option, then perhaps more preadoptive mothers would admit to having an interest.

The relationship that you’ll have with your adoption agency or professional will be a close one for the next two years or more. How the players interact with one another can and do affect the parent-child attachment process. Do your research and find the one that best understands your position, with whom you have the most optimum “meeting of the minds”, and the least feeling of intimidation. Excellent communication, easy access to get questions answered all will matter while you’re waiting. Money is really secondary to what you’ll get in peace of mind. That doesn’t mean that you need to spend a lot. Sometimes the most compassionate, ethical agencies are on the low end of the scale. This is one of the biggest rites de passage of your life. It should be a joyful adventure most of the time. Do your homework. And, Congratulations, soon-to-be parents!

Written by Keadie

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Do you have a friend, neighbor, co-worker or family member who is getting ready to welcome a new addition to their family through adoption? These adoption gifts are thoughtful and will be appreciated and welcomed by the new parents.

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Children who have waited in the Foster system have a traumatic past. That past involved the state trying to reunify the family under hardship circumstances until it became clear that keeping the biological family together was not in the child’s best interests. Any child, no matter how young, who has a traumatic past will bring the dynamics of that past to your home. They will react to their past in a myriad of ways, and they will act out what was done to them upon any younger children in your home. Having a huge heart and open arms, ready to love these children is not enough. There are required classes in raising hurt children. There is required reading. It would be necessary to network yourselves with specialists, counselors, other adoptive families, educational professionals: all people who will listen, offer help when you need it, and stand up for you should a hurt child make false allegations against you.

It is not the least expensive way to adopt even though the adoption process itself is free. The people who successfully raise children from the System have battle scars, but the victories are sweet. Baby steps. Increments of positive behaviors and constructive growth. These children need structure, need to know that you’ll be there in the long haul when they’ve taken out all their frustrations on you. They will test you repeatedly. It’s not for the weak of heart. You will earn their trust, earn their respect. It has been said that it takes the entire age of the child when first entering your home, to undo the problems of the past so that the child, or by that time, adult, can move forward.

If you feel that you are that special kind of preadoptive parent who can take on these issues, you will undergo training and have an extensive homestudy done. The homestudy for these children is necessarily more invasive in order to prevent these kids from further emotional or situational trauma. You may be required to obtain a Foster license if any children placed in your home are not legally free for adoption. This happens especially with very young children as the reunification process is undertaken. Emotionally, you have to be the kind of person who can love a child unconditionally but accept that the intent of Foster Care is reunification with the biological family. Your home will need to pass a safety checklist such as hand railings, fire escape, and water quality. It may be requested that these children be the youngest in the home and that an adult is at home all day. There will be child-specific considerations as well. These children are considered special needs. Their medical and psychological needs will be more significant than that of others.

Contact of some kind with birth relatives is becoming standard with domestic infant adoption. It can also occur with waiting children. They may have siblings and relatives with whom they have attached, but who are unable to raise them.

While waiting children are identified prior to adoption through photolistings, mailings by your state appointed social worker, or through notebooks kept at your state’s Human Services offices, private newborn adoption occurs after an expectant mother considering adoption chooses your profile out of many at your agency. A match is made after you have agreed to the circumstances of the situation, the medical records, and the birthmother’s level of contact desired.

Your profile consists of photos of you, your family members, your home, perhaps your closest friends, what you like to do, your town, school etc. There are printed along with written information underneath, and the sheets are then protected with clear covers, put in a binder, and attractively presented. You will need to make about 5-6 of these for your agency to share. Expectant mothers considering adoption will look for things about your family which they like. The choices are as individual as the women. This profile is where you can present yourself, your beliefs, and what matters to you.

People seeking to adopt newborns also undergo a home study, which is written after several meetings with a caseworker both at her office and in your home. You’ll have references and a doctor’s statement, among other things. There will also be an application to adopt through that agency. Unless you are seeking to adopt a child with special needs (and you will be asked many questions as to what your comfort level is with regard to a baby’s health and exposure in utero to various things), specific details as to how you would care for a child with those special considerations would not be asked of you. Your home study would identify that you are approved to adopt a certain age, sex, etc. child. You will be asked to read a few books on adoptive parenting, and maybe discuss one of them with the caseworker. Reading is encouraged by all forms of adoption. The more that you know, the more informed that you are, the better equipped you will be to undertake this amazing responsibility of being an adoptive parent.

Written by Keadie

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Knowledge is power, and YOU are in the driver’s seat at this point, not the adoption agencies. Research your state’s adoption laws, and even ask a lawyer in your state who handles family law some questions, such as: How long do birthparents have to change their minds? What rights do birthfathers have? What birthmother expenses might be legally requested of you? Are all parental rights severed with the birthparents, or are any retained by them, such as contact rights (Open Adoption agreements)? How many Post Placement Visits with the caseworker are required by the courts (these can vary depending on the agency, and increase costs to you)? What issues might limit our chances of being approved to adopt, such as health or finances, and who ultimately makes that decision, the courts or the agency? Are adoption facilitators legal in this state? Then, look for a pediatrician. When you find one who you like, make an appointment and ask questions such as: what are the riskiest exposures for an unborn child in terms of recreational drugs, alcohol, smoking, prescription drugs, etc. and also, what the chances are if a birthparent has a mental or physical condition, that that problem could be passed on. Ask the doctor to give you some examples of various conditions that you might want to either avoid or do some soul searching before you accept. Ask if you can call later when you find out what health problems the birth family has.

What if I’m open to children of another race or culture? Why not find out by immersing yourself among people who have these differences from yourselves. Consider being a host family for a minority inner city child for a brief summer stay. Ask other adoptive families how race and/or cultural differences have affected them. There is an important distinction which needs to be addressed here: If the child has a degree of Indian Blood, the situation must be researched by the Bureau of Indian Affairs because an Indian Child by definition must be given consideration by them first.

What if I’ll consider some special needs? Consider attending support groups for individuals with particular handicaps. Go to the elementary school and talk to the special ed department. Ask every special ed teacher that you know personally: what problems are the hardest to deal with, which conditions give you the greatest hope? What can they recommend to you, where can you go to network for support? Ask families who have adopted special needs children. There is a special kind of joy in raising them, at least I personally have found. I adopted a little girl with Autism and global delays from an orphanage and she is the light of my life.

What if I have questions about Open Adoption? Open Adoption is the creation of a triad relationship where the child’s best interests are paramount, and the parental sides share the duties of making the child feel secure and healthy by working together to support the child’s new identity. Expectant mothers considering adoption will choose a preadoptive couple based upon what they want in the way of contact with the infant, throughout childhood. What Open Adoption does not typically do is address specific expectations of the preadoptive parents. Consider discussing your concerns about Open Adoption with an independent psychologist. Ask about theories (I personally prefer Behavioralist) on child rearing, attachment and bonding, motherhood, what a newborn senses, and what an adoptee experiences in terms of loss, abandonment, rejection. Open Adoption has been debated for years despite the many sources which regard it highly. This would be a relationship with another person who has a personal interest in your future child. Become informed before promises are made.

There is a middle ground which offers a degree of privacy and the free flow of non-identifying information, and that is called Semi Open Adoption. This is where the agency acts as intermediary for a number of years while you send about four letters and photos the first year, annually thereafter as a minimum baseline. Then the relationship can grow naturally if it is meant to, or stay as private as you have originally shared.

What if you do not want an Open Adoption at all? Look for adoption professionals who can identify with your point of view enough to present you in the most supportive way possible to expectant mothers considering adoption. Ask them what their experience has been as to qualities birthmothers most look for in a profile. Religious attendance is often one. Explain your values and traditions in your profile. Your profile is where you can present who you are, how you believe, and what matters to you.

What if you’re considering International Adoption? International adoption does not have to be more expensive than domestic. The children tend to be a couple of years older, because it takes a while to get your documents ready (called a dossier), and these children usually have already been waiting in an orphanage. Again, ask your pediatrician about country specific medical/emotional conditions as well as institutional behaviors. Find out what that country’s rules are for who can adopt, how many post placement visits in your home are required (can be different than your agency’s), what the process is and how long it has been taking. Your agency back here at home needs to be licensed to do international adoptions, or you can network with your local agency for doing the homestudy and visits while a larger out-of-state agency helps you with the international details.

What if some of your relatives don’t approve of adoption, have negative opinions about adopted children, or just don’t support your dreams? This can be really sad, but also surprising in the end, because some may come around once they meet the child. You can find literature for them to read, try to chat with them about your dreams, explaining to them how much this would mean to you if you were to become an adoptive parent. Perhaps they could help you shop and decorate the child’s room. Some people just don’t have enough understanding of adoption, and once they have been educated, are much more reasonable. Ultimately though, adoptive families have moved on and away from those who have continued to disapprove or criticize, because their children’s happiness has come first.

What if the price of adoption is prohibitive? They say that if people waited until the right time came for the rites de passage in life, that we would never get around to doing them. The adoptive process will test your faith, but in the end, those people who have persevered will become parents. Some will tell you, myself included, that when the right situation comes along, the doors will open. Moneys, grants, benefits will surface. Your job is to hunt for them, create opportunities, spread the word. Shop around for the best adoption professionals for you, that meet your needs and have your trust, because you’ve researched them beforehand.

My very, very best to you as you begin this exciting journey to parenthood! And yes! It feels just as real, just as normal as any other way to build a family. I am raising both biological and adopted children and every one of their arrivals was miraculous.

Written by Keadie

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“Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Vardalos said. “I am happy to once again be a part of National Adoption Day. We were matched with our daughter through the U.S. foster care system, and my goal is to share information about the more than 120,000 foster care children in this country who are waiting for a family.”

Vardalos is an advocate for U.S. foster care adoption and took her cause to the public arena when she and her husband, actor Ian Gomez, adopted their daughter from foster care in 2008. She served as the National Adoption Day spokesperson in 2009.

“The good news is that on this day, thousands of children will be adopted into loving homes,” Vardalos added. “The sad news is there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. If your desire is to become a parent, please connect with your local foster family agency to find out how to give a home to a child. The process is simple, affordable and does not discriminate. This is how I became a mom — and the reason I’m smiling.”

Vardalos is active with the adoption organization, AdoptUSKids, aimed at recruiting and connecting foster and adoptive families with waiting children throughout the United States. “Nia’s personal story of foster care adoption is both heartwarming and encouraging,” said Rita Soronen, executive director of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, a founding sponsor of National Adoption Day. “She has selflessly and gracefully worked to spread awareness for foster care adoption, and the National Adoption Day Coalition is honored to have Nia as our national spokesperson again this year.”

This year on November 20, communities in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Guam will hold celebrations to finalize more than 4,500 foster care adoptions, bringing the total number of finalized adoptions as part of National Adoption Day to more than 35,000. Judges, attorneys, adoption agencies, adoption professionals and child advocates volunteer their time to finalize adoptions and celebrate all families who adopt. For more information about the events taking place and foster care adoption, please visit www.nationaladoptionday.org.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners: Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Freddie Mac Foundation, Annie E. Casey Foundation/Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and The Alliance for Children’s Rights.

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A Blessing from Above (Little Golden Book)

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My Family, My Journey: A Baby Book for Adoptive Families

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We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families

Rosie’s Family: An Adoption Story

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The following was submitted by Beth, one of our blog readers. Leave a comment here if you’d like to share your adoption story also.

We have three children. Our oldest daughter and son were adopted at birth. Our youngest son was adopted right before his tenth birthday. This is a story of both joy and sorrow, excitement and patience, and most importantly, unconditional love.

My husband and I were married in 1965. Like most young couples at that time, we wanted children. We started trying right away. After two years, and no baby, we sought out medical advice. Unlike the medical treatments and techniques available today, in vitro fertilization, hormone therapies, etc., were not available at that time – at least not to us. We both worked, but didn’t have a lot of expendable cash, and we turned to the only thing we knew – adoption.

Even back then, the adoption process was not a quick one. We applied for adoption through the State of Wisconsin, and were subjected to background checks, home visits, and social worker interviews before we would even be considered. But fortunately, we were put on “the list” and began the waiting game. In the fall of 1969, we were told that a baby boy was available for adoption. We were ecstatic! We could hardly wait to see our son and bring him home. But finally, after more waiting, and interviews and home visits galore, we were able to pick up our baby boy. And he was beautiful – perfect, just like we imagined he would be. It’s hard to put into words how much you can love someone so little, how much that little person can make a couple into a family. But he did. There’s nothing that can explain the love and pride you have in your own child – it didn’t matter that we didn’t conceive him, it mattered that he was put in our hands to love and guide for the rest of our lives. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

In the summer of 1971, we were able to experience this joy for the second time. This time, we adopted a baby girl – and now we felt our family was complete. You think you can’t love anyone more than your first child, and then the second comes along and you realize your heart just gets bigger and you can love another child just as much as the first. It took about a year for each of our children to become “officially” ours, meaning, when the court turned over full custody to us.

After some time, we decided to adopt again. However, it had become more difficult at this point. My husband was over 35. Apparently this was some magic number suggesting that he was too old to care for an infant. So once again, we began the adoption process, this time hoping to adopt a toddler or young child. Once again, we were subjected to home visits, only now, the social workers also interviewed our children. I guess they were trying to asses if this would be a good home for a child. It took longer this time. Another thing that was different, is that we had some choice – we were able to read case files on children to see if they would be a good fit for our family. We could “accept” or “reject” them. We finally found a boy that seemed like he would be a good fit for our family – he was nine years old at the time, older than we had hoped.

Unlike with an infant, he had to do home visits with us and he also got to decide if we were a good family for him. I think this took a couple of months. It was different than adopting a baby – when our older son and daughter were placed in our arms, they were ours, totally and completely. This boy knew his other mother and grandparents. At the same time, once we got to know him, we started to fall in love with him, just as we had done with our older children. The process was different, but the end result was the same – after about a year, he became our son legally, and we couldn’t have loved him any more.

Thank you for letting me share.
Beth

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When you think of the books you loved as a child, what images come to your mind? Many of us remember bedtime rituals that included Goodnight, Moon and Pat the Bunny or a Halloween tradition that included The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. If you have strong memories of these or other books, chances are that what you remember most are the warm feelings associated with having a loving caregiver (parent, grandparent, favorite babysitter, etc.) reading those books to you.

As parents, we read aloud to our children for several reasons. Reading to our children promotes literacy. It fosters bonding and attachment by creating those shared memories and experiences that are such a formative part of our upbringing. The choice of books that we read helps teach our children things that we want them to know, such as our family values. And reading to our children provides an opportunity to talk with our children about things that we think are important.

For families formed through adoption, this opportunity to open a dialogue is the best argument for making sure that your home library includes a wide range of adoption books. Books such as Jamie Lee Curtis’s Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born or My Family is Forever by Nancy Carlson introduce adoption concepts in a positive way. When we read these books to our children we are modeling for them both the vocabulary of adoption and the idea that talking about adoption is acceptable and valuable. Other books, such as The Family Book by Todd Parr or Nina Pelligrini’s Families are Different introduce many types of family formations, helping children accept that adoption is just one way in which families might differ from one another.

As parents reading aloud to our children, we can use these books and stories of adoption to elicit our children’s feelings. For example, we might stop at an illustration and comment “When I look at the boy in this picture I feel sad because…” or “I think the girl in this story feels…” Sometimes we might ask our children to respond (e.g. “And what do you think?”) and other times we might let the moment pass. In either case, it’s important for us to reinforce the idea that sharing feelings is a positive and important part of being in a family. If we set the stage for our children to share their feelings with us when they are young, they are much more likely to come to us to share their feelings when they are older, and when those feelings become more complicated.

Books that talk about feelings in general, such as When Sophie Gets Angry…Really Really Angry or In My Heart by Molly Bang or Dave Cutler’s When I Wished I Was Alone are also valuable for adoptive families, although neither talks about adoption. Instead, these books help children understand how to identify and describe some of the feelings they may have. Another good example of this type of book is Jamie Lee Curtis’s book Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods that Make My Day .

Our children will have different feelings about adoption as they grow – sometimes minute by minute! Having a range of books, including children’s adoption books, in your home library and they will help your children process these feelings and understand that these feelings (and the fact that they change) are a normal part of growing up.

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