The summer before Becca turned six, we moved to a new neighborhood, so that she could have a yard, a playroom, and (eventually) a puppy. A “plus” was that the neighborhood was majority Asian, with the largest proportion of the Asians being Chinese. While Becca had a few close friends and many acquaintances who were adopted from China, like her, she previously had relatively little contact with Chinese children who were living with their biological families.

We quickly discovered that most of the Chinese families knew little about adoption, although the Washington, DC metro area has a very large number of families formed by adoption and, particularly, international adoption. We had to do quite a lot of educating to do!

Some of the families, who harbored negative feelings about the current government in China, did not realize that the U.S. and China had worked wonderfully well together, since about 1992, on adoption matters, and that China had managed to develop one of the best organized and cleanest adoption programs in the world.

Some of these families thought that Becca was from Taiwan, since it was assumed that the U.S. government was friendly to that country and hostile to China. Some of the assumptions about Taiwan, of course, were also made because Becca’s birth city of Xiamen is right across the straits from Taiwan, and many Taiwanese look like, and have relatives from, Xiamen and the surrounding areas of Fujian province. Becca definitely could have been mistaken for Taiwanese, based on appearance alone.

And, of course, some of the families thought that I had smuggled Becca out of China and into the U.S. illegally. Human trafficking is not unknown in China, and many Chinese people can probably tell you about trafficking in young females for slavery or prostitution, as well as about illegal immigration of Chinese adults and children into the U.S. for more positive reasons. Our neighbors were really quite startled when I explained that both China and the U.S. agreed to my adoption, and that it was in full compliance with both U.S. and Chinese adoption laws.

Some of the Chinese families were a bit surprised that a Caucasian person would consider adopting a child of another race and ethnicity. In China, as in many countries, the “blood tie” is considered very important, and some people simply can’t imagine parenting a child who is not biologically related to them.

I also got asked if I was going to tell Becca that she was adopted, which was funny, given that we are of different races, and given that I told her a mini-version of her adoption story on the first night I met her and every night thereafter for the first few years of her life. It was part of our bedtime ritual, and ended with how I “flew all day and all night” to come get her, because “she needed a Mommy and I needed a little girl.”

And, of course, in our new neighborhood, Chinese people didn’t ask, “DOES your child go to Chinese school?” They asked, “WHERE does your child go to Chinese school?” In many Chinese families, preservation of one’s ancestral language and culture is extremely important. The children of even some very assimilated families go to one of several good Chinese schools in the area on either Saturday or Sunday. In a sense, if you are a child, you won’t be considered Chinese if you don’t go to Chinese school.

At that time, I wasn’t sending Becca to Chinese school, because she was already in an immersion Hebrew class; modern Israeli Hebrew, along with Biblical and liturgical Hebrew, was taught for almost 50% of each school day. I felt that her private school was extremely challenging, and that she was already spending more hours on academics than most children. As a result, since she also did not have a strong desire to go to Chinese school until she was in about fifth grade, we chose not to spend our weekends there.

Of course, there was also the woman who offered to help me find a nice Chinese husband, so that my daughter would have a Chinese Daddy! The assumption was that every Chinese child should also have at least one Chinese parent, so that he/she is properly raised.

While I am a single woman (long divorced), and have no objection to remarrying if the right person comes along, I am in no hurry to find someone, of any ancestry. My life was (and still is) very full and happy, with my daughter, my career, and so on. I was also in my 50s when I adopted, and pretty set in my ways, so I figured that it would take a pretty special person to make me willing to negotiate the compromises necessary for a good marriage. I also happen to be Jewish, and would want a marriage partner to share my commitment to having a Jewish home; there just aren’t a lot of Chinese Jews around, though, of course, my daughter is one, by conversion.

Becca quickly became used to the fact that I talked about adoption openly and often, both professionally and personally. I was the head of a well known adoption advocacy organization at the time. She heard me use positive adoption language, and also heard me deal with questions about things like China’s one-child policy and the abandonment of children as a way of making an adoption plan; we often talked about what she heard, after she came to a meeting or Chinese playgroup with me.

So it didn’t really surprise me, one day, when we were taking a walk and a Chinese girl of about Becca’s age yelled across the street to her, “YOU LOOK CHINESE!” Becca calmly yelled back, “WELL, I AM CHINESE!” The child yelled again, “BUT YOUR MOM’S NOT CHINESE!”

At this point, I decided to cross the street with Becca, so that we could continue the conversation with the girl in more normal tones of voice. We explained that I had adopted Becca. The American-born daughter of Chinese parents was horrified, and asked Becca, “But don’t you want to go back to China and live with your Chinese Mommy?” Obviously, she had a Chinese Mommy whom she adored, and thought that EVERYONE should have a Chinese Mommy.

At that point, Becca grabbed me and hugged me, proclaiming, “THIS is my Mommy.” I was so thrilled that she had made this response, that I nearly cried. Becca was a very social child, to the point where I sometimes worried about attachment issued. But there was clearly no need to worry. She knew who her Mommy was, and was very glad to have me, no matter what color I was.

Becca was young then – maybe about six or seven. As someone pointed out in an earlier post, adopted children change their perceptions about adoption, often multiple times, as they grow up.

At seven, Becca would have told you that I was her “real” Mommy. She knew about babies in tummies, used the word “birthmother”, and so on, but she wasn’t able to develop an emotional construct that included feelings about her birthparents. Her birthmother was just a Chinese woman who physically brought her into the world. What mattered was the woman (me) who raised her, read with her, sent her to school, bought her nice clothes, arranged her playdates, gave interesting birthday parties, and more.

A few years later, however, Becca began to see the situation differently. As she said to me, “My birthmother also took care of me for about 9 months after I was born. You didn’t have me in your tummy, but you adopted me and have taken care of me since you met me. So you are a real mother, too.”

Initially, I was a bit shocked and saddened by what Becca said. I felt, somehow, diminished, by being one of two mothers. Yet when I thought about it, I realized that Becca was absolutely right. Her birthmother AND birthfather cannot and should not be treated as unimportant. They conceived a child, whether or not they planned to do so. They gave the child the genetic profile that affects not just his/her appearance, but also his/her personality, health status, and so on – all the things that make him/her unique and special to me.

In Becca’s case, it appears that her birthparents also gave her a lot of love for about 9 months after her birth – she is a very loving and empathic child – and that they probably would not have abandoned her if some very serious situation had not made them unable to continue parenting. I don’t know what that situation was, but my gut feeling is that they grieve and feel guilty, to this day.

Of course, as Becca learned more about human sexuality and headed into the teen years, the pendulum swung back, just a bit. She asked me, “Why didn’t my birthparents just use birth control, if they knew about the one child policy and that they might have to pay huge penalties for having a baby?” Even though she was glad to be alive and in an adoptive family, she admitted that she felt very angry at her birthparents for bringing a child into the world, only to abandon her. She said that every child has the right to be born into a family that wants him/her.

Teens are often very dogmatic people. It’s easy for Becca to say, “Use birth control or have an abortion.” It’s not so easy for her to understand that, in China, some people want a baby so badly that they will try to hide the pregnancy and the newborn from official eyes, and abandon the baby only when it becomes impossible to do otherwise. It’s not so easy for her to understand that condoms can fail – she’s not yet sexually active, thank goodness. It’s not so easy for her to understand that some people oppose abortion because they feel that a fetus is a person from the moment of conception.

It’s not so easy for her to understand, as well, that “stuff happens”. A parent loses a job and can’t support his/her family. A parent has a serious accident that leaves him/her paralyzed and unable to pursue his/her previous occupation or care for a child. An activist parent is incarcerated for his/her political views. A spouse walks out of a marriage, leaving the other parent to raise the children AND pay the bills. A child becomes ill or is born with a medical issue, and the parents cannot afford or obtain the care he/she needs.

But I respect Becca for realizing that the decision to have sex, as well as the decision to have a baby, should not be made lightly or in the heat of passion. I also respect her for realizing that these decisions should be made with a focus on the child that could be created. She is right. Every child SHOULD be born into a family that wants him/her and can care for him/her. The problem is that we are human; we sometimes make bad decisions or mistakes. And adoption is a way of rectifying one type of situation, so that a child – even if not born into a family that wants and can take care of him/her – can be raised in a loving family.

Sharon

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Don’t miss this heartwarming one-hour television show!

Celebrity performers will share the stage with extraordinary American families who share their joy and their stories of foster care adoption.

This year’s show features Faith Hill and includes Tim McGraw, Jamie Foxx, Melissa Etheridge, Gavin Rossdale, Keyshia Cole, Martin Short, Kristen Chenoweth and a host of others.

There are currently half a million children in foster care in the United States; 129,000 of these children are available for adoption. Each year, A Home for the Holidays raises national awareness about this important social issue and connects waiting children with potential adoptive families.

The show is a joint project of CBS, the Children’s Action Network, Wendy’s International, Triage Productions, Goldsmith Entertainment and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

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Here’s some information from their website:

Jockey Being Family (TM) is Jockey’s corporate citizenship initiative dedicated to strengthening adoptive families for successful futures. Jockey launched Jockey Being Family (TM) in 2005. Jockey hopes to lead the charge in raising awareness of the need for expanding the availability of post-adoption services to make a difference in the lives of adoptive families. Adoption is a lifelong journey. Jockey’s goal is to provide support to adoptive families along the road, to help ensure that these adoptive families can truly be “forever families.”

Jockey International is a privately-held, family-owned, Midwest company and our brand values have long reflected a genuine commitment to families. Family and children have always been important to Jockey and adoption is an issue close to the hearts of our employees.

After months of research and careful consideration of issues where Jockey could make a significant impact on American families, we learned that post-adoption services support and resources for parents and children after the adoptions are legally finalized were scarce. Jockey also learned that no corporation was championing this important area of adoption. We realized that this was where Jockey could make the largest, most targeted impact.

We believe that by strengthening adoptive families, we can help ensure permanence for children who are awaiting a “forever family.” As a brand and company, Jockey is committed to satisfying the human need for comfort and we believe that helping families to stay strong is one of the best ways we can express and fulfill this belief.

Our mission is to engage employees in meaningful volunteer activities; raise awareness of the need for post-adoption services; and build recognition of Jockey’s corporate citizenship. Through partnerships we have developed with local and national nonprofit organizations, Jockey provides funding, employee volunteers and in-kind donations to support post-adoption services efforts and help build “forever families.”

You can help support adoption services with the purchase of this adorable bear for only $8.50. For each bear sold, Jockey will donate $3 to various adoption organizations.

I’m going to buy one for each of my kids. You can also try to win one at Dories Diaries

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November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year’s theme of adopting teens from foster care builds on the Ad Council’s new public service announcement (PSA) campaign of the Children’s Bureau, the Adoption Exchange Association, and The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids.

Here are some ways for you to get involved:
1. Collaborate with other local agencies on an adoption celebration event or recruitment effort.
2. Encourage local media to run public service announcements on adoption.
3. Invite an adopted adult to speak of his or her experiences with prospective foster and adoptive parents.

Here are more National Adoption Month Activities and ways for you to get involved!

Presidential Proclamation for 2008 National Adoption Month

During National Adoption Month, we recognize the compassion of adoptive and foster families as we seek to raise awareness of the need for every child in America to have a safe, loving, and permanent home.

Adopting a child is a great joy and also a great responsibility. Parents are a child’s first teachers, and adoptive families can help children learn character and values, the importance of giving back to their community and country, and the courage to realize their potential. On November 15, caring parents across our Nation will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions and bringing home children in need of a hopeful life.

My Administration is committed to helping young people find the love, stability, and support that a family can provide. We have joined with community and faith-based organizations to raise public awareness of foster children awaiting adoption. With the help of the Congress, we are assisting families in overcoming the financial barriers to adopting children through programs such as the Adoption Incentives Program. In addition, the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids project, which can be found at adoptuskids.org, provides guidance and resources for parents exploring adoption.

During National Adoption Month, we honor adoptive and foster parents who have shown America the depth and kindness of the human heart. Their love and dedication inspire the next generation of Americans to achieve their dreams and demonstrate the true spirit of our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2008 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

GEORGE W. BUSH

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Celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, more than 300 events are held each year throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt. In total, more than 20,000 children have been adopted from foster care on National Adoption Day. This year, National Adoption Day will be Saturday, November 15, 2008.

Goals of National Adoption Day 2008
• Finalize adoptions from foster care in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico
• Celebrate and honor all families who adopt
• Raise awareness about the 129,000 children in foster care waiting for adoption
• Encourage others to adopt children from foster care
• Build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts, and advocacy organizations
• Communicate availability and need for post-adoptive services

History of National Adoption Day
In just eight years, National Adoption Day has truly grown from nine events in its first year to more than 300 events in 2007, with 4,300 adoptions finalized in 2007 as part of more than 300 events in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.

National Adoption Day Sponsors
A coalition of national partners – The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and Freddie Mac Foundation – sponsor National Adoption Day to draw special attention to foster children waiting for permanent families and to celebrate all loving families that adopt.

National Adoption Day Coalition Partners
The Alliance for Children’s Rights – The Alliance for Children’s Rights is Los Angeles’ only free legal
services organization devoted solely to helping children living in poverty and foster care. The Alliance’s mission is to ensure children get the support and services they need to become healthy, productive adults. Since 1992, The Alliance has worked together with the Los Angeles Juvenile Court and the Department of Children and Family Services to expedite and increase the number of children adopted from Los Angeles foster care.

Casey Family Services – Casey Family Services is the direct service agency of the Annie E. Casey
Foundation, the nation’s largest private foundation serving fragile U.S. children, families and communities, started by United Parcel Service founder Jim Casey. Casey Family Services has worked with foster and adoptive families for nearly 30 years and is dedicated to helping build better futures for disadvantaged children here in the United States.

Children’s Action Network – Formed in 1990 by leaders in the entertainment industry, the Children’s
Action Network (CAN) is dedicated to improving the lives of America’s children. Through extensive public education campaigns, community-based programs and policy initiatives, CAN uses the power of the entertainment community to increase awareness about children’s issues and make them a top priority in everyday life.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute – The Congressional Coalition on Adoption
Institute (CCAI) is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about children in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes; and to eliminating the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic need of a family. CCAI serves as an informational and educational resource to policymakers as they seek to draft positive adoption legislation and to focusing public attention on the advantages of adoption.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a leading
partner of National Adoption Day, a collaborative national effort to raise awareness of the 129,000
children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families and to celebrate all families who adopt. By drawing attention to the joy of thousands of children who have finally found their “forever families,” the Foundation and its partners hope to encourage even more families to consider adopting a child out of foster care.

Freddie Mac Foundation – Created by Freddie Mac in 1991, the Freddie Mac Foundation is dedicated to making home a place where children and families thrive. As the largest corporate funder in the
Washington, DC metropolitan area, Freddie Mac and the Freddie Mac Foundation have invested more
than $348 million in organizations serving the community.

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The benefits package that has Wendy’s topping the list offers employees up to $23,300 in financial reimbursement and six weeks of paid leave per adoption. In 2007, the company provided $7,000 and the same amount of paid leave.

“Supporting adoption and helping find permanent, loving homes for foster children was the vision of our founder Dave Thomas,” said Kerrii Anderson, chief executive officer and president of Wendy’s International, Inc. “There is no finer cause than the support of families who are trying to adopt children, and we’re proud that Wendy’s has been recognized for our efforts. Many of our employees have adopted children, and we hope to empower more employees in the future with meaningful benefits and support.”

Michelle has worked for Wendy’s for eight years. She and her husband adopted two teen sisters from foster care in 2006. Michelle said if more companies offered adoption benefits, more people would consider adopting. “The expense of adopting children can be determining factor for many people,” she explained. “If more businesses offer financial assistance, more forever families will be formed. Employers can change the life of a child by simply offering adoption benefits.”

The Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces in America list includes the top 100 organizations that provide exceptional support to employees who adopt. Rankings are based on the amount of financial assistance and paid leave provided. The foundation compiled the results from survey data collected from 919 U.S. employers. Several survey partners helped extend the survey’s scope even further by asking their subscribers/members to participate: Employee Benefit News, a SourceMedia publication that is the leading source of information for benefits decision makers; the National Restaurant Association; and the Ohio Chamber of Commerce.

In addition to ranking the top 100, the foundation also recognized the top 10 by size, the leaders of each industry, and companies who support the cause of adoption and adoptive families in other ways. Wendy’s also ranked #1 among large businesses and in the food, beverage, and restaurant industry. Go to www.AdoptionFriendlyWorkplace.org to view each of the lists.

Rita Soronen, the foundation’s executive director, said 157 additional employers participated in this year’s survey, and 26 of them are honored on the Top 100 list. “For years we’ve known employers care about helping employees and their families, but this year we learned they also care about being competitive,” she explained. “We found companies genuinely want to help families formed through adoption, but they also know it’s important to maintain a competitive benefits package. Further, we saw the list actually prompted some employers to enhance their adoptions benefits packages.”

National Trends
Adoption benefits are voluntary, employer-provided and include some combination of financial assistance, paid leave and unpaid leave. According to the foundation’s 2008 survey results, the average adoption-friendly employer has had a policy in place for eight years, offers up to $5,000 in financial assistance and five weeks of paid leave. The foundation, now celebrating its 16th anniversary, has seen a significant increase in the number of employers offering adoption benefits over the years, which mirrors an annual survey conducted by Hewitt Associates LLC, a global outsourcing and consulting company providing human capital management services. Of the 1,000 major U.S. employers surveyed, Hewitt reports a steady increase of companies offering financial adoption benefits, from 12 percent in 1990 to 47 percent in 2007.

Soronen noted another new trend among employers. “Now we’re seeing support for relative adoptions,” she said. “When a child is adopted by a grandparent or other relative, it is usually an emergency situation in which the employee can benefit greatly from financial help and paid leave.”

National Misperceptions
A national survey commissioned by the foundation and released in November 2007 by Harris Interactive reveals that the majority of those considering adoption are considering foster care adoption. In fact, 48 million Americans have considered adoption from foster care, yet the majority has misperceptions about the process and the children who are eligible for adoption. These misperceptions include the following:

· 67 percent of people considering foster care adoption are unnecessarily concerned that biological parents can return to claim the children. Once the court finalizes the legal termination of parental rights, the parents can never return to claim the child.
· 46 percent mistakenly believe foster care adoption is prohibitively expensive, when in reality there is very little cost to adopt from foster care, and there is financial support available for all adoptions.
· 45 percent believe children in foster care have entered the system because of juvenile delinquency, when in reality, the vast majority entered the system through no fault of their own, as victims of neglect, abandonment and/or abuse.
· 48 percent believe a single parent raising an adopted child can definitely provide a healthy and loving environment. However, 32 percent of children adopted from foster care in 2005 were adopted by single parents or unmarried couples.
· 37 percent believe a person over 55 can definitely provide a healthy and loving environment for a child, when in reality 23 percent of adopted children live with an adoptive parent 55 years or older.

“Misperceptions about foster care adoption create barriers that keep wonderful children from loving adoptive parents,” Soronen said. “We need to inform potential adoptive parents about the need, the affordability and the finality of foster care adoption so we can make strides toward connecting more waiting children in foster care with forever families.”
Survey Methodology
The Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces in America list was compiled using data collected from 919 U.S. employers. The foundation mailed survey invitations to 40,000 business leaders, surveyed human resource professionals at conferences and collected data from the online survey on the foundation’s Web site.

Survey rankings are based first on the maximum amount of financial reimbursement per adoption, which includes any additional support for special-needs adoption, and second on the maximum number of weeks of paid leave per adoption. Employers who offer both are ranked higher than those providing only monetary support. Employers who have identical ranking criteria are listed alphabetically.

The foundation offers free toolkits and technical assistance for employers who wish to create a policy and for employees who wish to propose one. The toolkit includes a sample proposal, policy, reimbursement form, frequently asked questions, news release and tax summary. Thirty-three of the survey participants established new adoption benefit policies in 2008, and 26 used the foundation’s free resources. Go to www.AdoptionFriendlyWorkplace.org to order the toolkit.

About the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption
This non-profit 501(c)3 public charity is dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 140,000 children in North America’s foster care systems ready and waiting to be adopted. Created by Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, who was adopted as a child, the foundation spearheads programs such as Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, which puts adoption recruiters in all 50 states and Canada to find permanent, loving families for children in the foster care system, and Adoption-Friendly Workplace, which encourages employers to offer adoption benefits to their employees.

The foundation also works with adoption advocates and officials to streamline the adoption process and make adoption more affordable for families. As the only organization dedicated exclusively to foster care adoption, the foundation is driven by Dave’s simple value: Do what’s best for the child.
To learn more about the foundation’s work, go to Dave Thomas Foundadtion.

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Did you know that many employers offer adoption benefits as part of their work/life package? Adoption benefits may include:

1) Financial assistance ranging from $1,000 to $20,000 to reimburse employees for adoption expenses.
2) Paid leave ranging from one to six weeks, providing the employee with full or partial salary.
3) Unpaid leave in addition to that mandated by FMLA (Family Leave and Medical Act guarantees unpaid leave for adoption for larger employers.

Adoption Friendly Workplace is a program sponsored by the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation. They provide free resources and assistance to companies who want to establish adoption benefits for their employees and for parents to propose such benefits to their employers.

You can order free materials such as an Adoption Friendly Workplace Toolkit for yourself, as an employee or the one designed for employers that you can present to your human resource department. They also offer posters, videos and general adoption information.

In addition, they provide a long list of Adoption Friendly Employers. You can find out more about them by choosing a benchmark report or have your organization included by completing a two-minute online survey.

Please visit and bookmark this site. It’s up to us, as parents, to lobby for benefits and in turn, make all workplaces more adoption friendly.

Related Tags: adopt, adoption, adopted, adopting

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They help bring awareness to foster care adoption through programs such as “Adoption-Friendly Workplace” and their annual television special ‘A Home For the Holidays’ and

From their site:

…dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 140,000 children in North America’s foster care systems ready and waiting to be adopted.

This foundation, created by Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas (who was adopted as a child), has one focus. That “every child will have a permanent home and a loving family”.

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