1) Somebunniesmom from our adoption forum.

People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?
Miscarriages, unexplained infertility. Honestly, adoption was not something we wanted. Our interest was aroused when an opportunity to adopt an infant was presented to us after so many years of failing to achieve a successful pregnancy.

What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?
Our first attempt to adopt a child was a private adoption of a mixed race unborn infant. I expected it to be a simple, relatively smooth and inexpensive process. The baby was born early and died. I was not expecting that. The lawyer fees, while not terribly expensive, were non-refundable. I was not expecting to pay money and walk away empty-handed. I was not expecting the grief that followed, for a baby that I never had any contact with — I didn’t realize how much I had been thinking of him or her as mine.There were two more failed private adoptions, which led me to lose faith in the adoption process. There were too many losses, too much pain. I decided if I were ever going to pursue adoption again, it would have to involve children that were already born, healthy, and had no birth parents. The adoption that was successful for us was an international adoption of twin girls, born in South East Asia (international, siblings, transracial). It wasn’t the adoption we intended when we began our adoption journey, but it was the adoption we ended up with somehow, and somehow it was exactly the one that was perfect for us. I had thought international adoption was out of our means. I was not enthusiastic about the process, I expected failure by this point. The homestudy was emotionally difficult, but relatively easy to accomplish. The paperwork went smoothly with only one glitch that was easily corrected. But I still expected failure, so much so that as I boarded the plane I was expecting to not return. When we returned to our home airport with babies in our arms, I couldn’t stop crying, because it was a moment I thought would never happen for us.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?
I could not understand why our attempts at adoption kept failing. I am not sure how I managed to overcome the fear and pain and keep moving forward. It was a lot like falling from a cliff. Each bump and jolt hurt, and I prayed it would be the last, or that I would just die so I wouldn’t feel anything anymore, but gravity kept pulling me along to more jolts and bumps, and there was nothing I could do to stop it or protect myself until I reached the end of it. In the end, I felt ruined and finished. It was my husband who was not ready to give up.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?
There was not much support during any phase of the journey and it was lonely and painful. It seemed that the people I wanted most to understand and support me, where the ones that had the least to give. No one in my circle of family or friends understood what it was like to want a child and not have one, or come so close and have it pulled out from under you repeatedly. The comments and advice were like punches in the face. My husband’s family was looking forward to his biological children carrying on the family blood line. Our adopting a child crashed that dream for them, and they had a difficult time accepting that we were giving up on trying to conceive. The support that came was small and slow, and didn’t start to grow until after the children were home, and people started accepting them as reality.

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?
I think historically, adoption has earned a bad reputation, and over the years we have learned how to raise adopted children in an emotionally, mentally and physically healthier way, and this is improving how adopted children are perceived and received in modern society. I believe this is going to continue to improve, as adoption becomes more widespread, and accepted as one of the normal ways to build a family.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?
I definitely believe life for adoptees is improving, and I credit the adoptees before them that have spoken out about their experiences and are working to help adoptive parents better raise their children. There are several questions about my children’s personal history that have no answers, and I worry sometimes about how this will effect them when they reach an age that this may matter to them. I have built my reputation with my children of being open, honest and truthful, in order for them to trust me, and hope they will come to me when they have something they need to work through. I will always try to help them find the answers they seek, and to find peace with those things that have no answers. They are the best things that ever happened to me, and I pledge myself to be the best I can be for them.

2) Shannon who blogs at Peter’s Cross Station.

People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?
We decided to become parents and adoption was our favorite option for doing it.

What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?
We chose domestic, transracial adoption and it chose us back. Our preference was an open adoption so we needed to keep it domestic. Since we are a same-sex couple we couldn’t do international adoption anyway, unless we closeted our relationship. (International programs sometimes let singles adopt, but not same-sex couples.) We also needed to work with an agency with experience working with same-sex couples and the best choice for us was an agency that exclusively handles placement of African American and biracial babies. We are white, so this was a transracial placement. We were more comfortable adopting an African American infant than we would have been adopting internationally anyway, because we are well versed in African American culture and history and have plenty of friends who can be role models for our child. This wouldn’t come as easily with an international adoption. So we preferred our choice, but it also happened to be the best route open to us.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?
We didn’t face many obstacles beyond the usual adoption bureaucracy.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?
We had lots of support from our families and friends. Everyone was anxiously waiting for our daughter to arrive and thrilled when she finally did!

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?
There are many ways I’d change adoption laws to favor children first, then birth parents and quite last, adoptive (and prospective) parents. The current system seems to seek the satisfaction of the adoptive (or prospective) parents first and foremost as if they are customers paying for a commodity—a baby. Adoption law claims to put the best interests of the child above all things but this isn’t true in practice. Birth parents also get lost in agencies’ and other adoption professionals’ attempts to please the adoptive parents. I realize this is not perfectly true in every single case. There are exceptions of course, but this seems to be the rule in healthy infant adoption, at least. If I could make just one rule, it would be to illegalize any adoption service that is for-profit.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than that of adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?
My daughter is bound to struggle with multiple issues—being adopted, being transracially adopted, being the child of same-sex parents and being a Black woman in a culture that views Black women with near contempt. I trust the adopted piece of her puzzle will be indeed easier to sort out than it would have been in the bad old days of closed adoption, secrecy and shame. But there are new difficulties now. My daughter will have a complicated life and as a parent, it will be my job to give her the emotional security, the self-confidence and the education to wrestle with those complications in productive ways.

Thank you Shannon and somebunniesmom for participating.

adoption, adoptive parents, adoptive parenting, adopt, adopting

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1) The first one is from Lori from BestLight Adoption Profile Review . She also blogs at Weebles Wobblog.People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

Pretty bad odds on further fertility treatments. Deciding that being a parent was more important to us than being pregnant.What type of adoption(s) did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was the process what you thought it would be?

Open (although we didn’t even know it existed at the time we began the process.) The process turned out to be much smoother than we thought it would be.What obstacles, if any, did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Mainly the discomfort of being out of control of the process. I mean, this was one situation where I couldn’t study my way out of it, work my way out of it, or earn my way out of it. I had to allow it to happen, rather than to make it happen. Lots of therapy and energy work on myself.Did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If yes, how important was it to you?

Absolutely. It was very important, and I can’t imagine anyone close to us being poopy about it.Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

(1) Ethical adoptions are in everyone’s best interest. See The Burning Building Test(2) Adoption, in my view, can be a win/win agreement. Two parties come together — two pieces of a puzzle — where each can solve the other’s problem to the benefit of the child. If the adoption is ethical and not coerced, one party’s win is not another party’s loss.

As the parent of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

I hope to give my children the best life possible by normalizing their life stories. They will not have to wonder about their genetic connections, and if they have some issues about rejection, they can talk with their birthparents about it. They will not have to navigate the minefield of search and reunion, and they will not feel torn loyalties between their birthfamilies and us. At least these are my hopes, as I parent via “informed intuition.” Ask me in a few years how well it worked!

The second is from AMom2Two.

People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

I always felt like I wanted to adopt as a young child. My first experience was when I was 7 and my parents wanted to adopt a little boy. My sister did not want another child in our family, so the social worker did not approve us, but I remember feeling sad for that little boy who needed a home. Then I meet my dh who has lost both of his parents to cancer as a young teenager and I was scared to death of our child getting the cancer genes. It took a while to to get my dh on the adoption path, but once he was on it, there was no turning back.What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

We pursued a semi-open domestic adoption. We ended up opening both of our children’s adoptions to fully open. The process was what we thought it would be. Maybe a little harder emotionally but the length and time frame were accurate.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?We had to face two failed placements at birth. One bmother we were matched for 4 months and had meet her entire family as well as boyfriends. It was hard to let all of them go.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

For the first adoption, we had a lot of support. For our second adoption, we didn’t have too much support. Most people felt we should be happy with one child and that we were taking a chance with a second child. The second time around was harder then the first also.

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I would like to change the language people use when the talk about it. People still ask me about my children’s mother and father. When I say I am fine, they say, oh I mean their “real” mother and father. I think society makes us feel less important and I wish that stereotype would change. I think more education is needed so that others who have no experience with adoption, will know the right terminology to use.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptee’s before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

I think my children will face some issues with their open adoptions and being different from other children. I think when my dd starts talking about it more, other children will pick up on it and I am afraid they will tease her. I also think having an open adoption, puts those adoption issues on the child much earlier then if we were to have a closed adoption. I don’t think that is all bad, just different. By the time my children hit their teens, I hope they will have worked out their feelings about their adoption.

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It’s kind of long and strange but I’ll try to explain. My husband and I have infertility because he was born w/a birth defect. When we were engaged I remember my mother-in-law telling me that the doctor who repaired the defect told her that he may or may not have fertility problems and I didn’t care. I love my husband and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Plus, having children seemed so far away, like something ‘grown ups’ did. I was only a recent college graduate and still in the party phase that so often occurs during that period. We never used birth control, he went on for a graduate degree, life was busy and full but we decided that we wanted to start a family. We had a pretty good idea after 7 years that something was wrong (although we did try the fertility monitors and we had sex during my peak times). Our first stop was a urologist to get my hubby (Sweetness in blog world) tested and we learned that he is not producing any sperm (AT ALL). For me it was almost liberating (sort of) to learn that because it allowed me to turn myself totally over to adoption and not hope that we got pregnant each time we had sex, but for Sweetness it was difficult. He has known for a long time that he might be infertile, but knowing definitively has been hard for him. Infertility is opening discussed by women, but hardly ever w/men. We did discuss donor insemination, and Sweetness said that he was ok w/it, but I never felt like he really was. If he was the one who brought it up and seriously approached me about it I would have been willing to go that route. I think I’m a little different than most women in that pregnancy isn’t that important to me because if have a few health conditions of my own and they could be exacerbated by pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

* What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

We had many long discussions and did a lot of soul searching. We realized that we had to be completely honest with ourselves and each other. For example, neither of felt comfortable embracing the Chinese culture so we knew an adoption from China was not for us. Initially we wanted to pursue international adoption and chose Russia, but Russia changed their rules. At first we would be able to adopt a 6 month old, but they moved the age range to 9 months. I really felt that was too long in an orphanage and THAT was out of my comfort zone. So we made the decision to go forward w/a domestic adoption. The adoption agency we chose is run by an adoption lawyer who was adopted and they tout their heavy advertising and say that because of their heavy advertising it takes months instead of years. He told us it would take between 7-11 months for an expectant mother to select us. June marked month 10. To put it bluntly, the majority of domestic adoption is marketing and I knew that we are somewhat attractive so I wasn’t overly concerned. Now 10 months later I find myself wondering what’s wrong with us, questioning why we haven’t been selected, and asking myself if we should switch to an adoption coordinator. I have begun to be proactive and have been sending our profile and home study to adoption agencies that don’t charge any or minimal fees unless we are selected by one of their clients.

* What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Hmmm, obstacles? I mentioned the fertility exploration that we did. It was very upsetting for my husband to learn about his infertility. He was depressed about it for a few months.

The other obstacle was an adoption scam. I said that we have been doing this for 10 months, well that’s not totally true. We originally started the adoption quest in November 2006. We were selected right away. She was having a baby girl due January 11 via C section. She said she got pregnant through a one night stand, she was healthy, no medical issues, caucasion, and no alcohol or drugs. The only catch was that she was homeless and we had to totally support her. We are lucky in that we don’t have any financial worries. We were able to take out a home equity loan to fund everything. One by one everything she told us turned out to be false. Yes, she was pregnant, but the social worker at the adoption agency went to the obstetrician w/her and learned that the baby was due in April, the baby was a boy, and the baby was bi-racial. EVERYTHING she had told turned out to be false. It didn’t feel right and we back out of the match. It was the most difficult decision we have ever faced because in essence we were turning down a baby boy. We were devastated and decided to move so we took a 3 month hiatus from adoption. During our hiatus we learned that she was an adoption scammer and she was being prosecuted. I am testifying against her. Our adoption agency dropped her after we backed out.

* Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

My parent’s opinions have always mattered to me. If they hadn’t supported me would I have chosen a different route? I can’t say, but I don’t think so. Lucky for us we have total support. Both of our families CANNOT WAIT for us to start a family. Both of our parents are anxiously awaiting the day that they become grandparents. We are lucky that our families are very liberal and I have no doubt that they will love whoever we bring into our lives.

* Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I have had people say that they don’t know how a woman can “give away” her baby and I don’t know how to make people understand that she isn’t giving away her child. She realizes that at this time in her life she cannot parent that baby for whatever reason and I think she is making her first decision as a mother. That decision shows more love than people realize. People also don’t understand that the babies mother is just that his/her mother. I will be her mother too. People just don’t get that. They think that because she chose adoption she is not a mother. NOT TRUE. Again, I think that if someone makes an adoption plan they are doing the ultimate selfless (and mature) act because she realizes that at this point in her life she isn’t in a position to parent. Will the general population eventually understand that? Probably not. People that aren’t familiar with adoption or are to closed minded don’t.

* As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than that of adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Hmmm, I don’t know our childs life will be easier as an adoptee. It may or may not define him/her. I think that is person dependant. I do know that it is our duty as adoptive parents is to find out as much as humanly possible about our babies mother, or keep in touch with her (even if it’s through the adoption agency) so they can meet when the time is right. It is also our duty to assist in any heritage exploration, support the decision if he/she wants to meet their first mother, make sure it’s not a taboo subject so our child doesn’t feel guilty if he/she wants to meet or explore, and most importantly NOT to feel insecure about it.

The second one of from Jody who blogs at ND Foster Mom* People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

My husband and I knew from day 1 when we started dating that the chances of conceiving a biological child were very slim. There are infertility issues on his side of the family and after being diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 18, I was told my chances of having a biological child were slim. Knowing all of this we still felt we needed to try to have a biological child and we needed to hear a doctor say that it wouldn’t happen. We went thru numerous infertility treatments and finally decided that it wasn’t meant to be. After my second diagnosis of cervical cancer, we took a break from everything and concentrated on our relationship and then looked into other ways we could start our family.

* What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

We attended an infant adoption information meeting in 2004 and decided that probably wasn’t the best option for us at that time. We were not completely comfortable with the idea of an open adoption at that point in our lives. We then looked into our local Foster/Adopt program and in Sept 2005 became a licensed foster home.

In Jan 2006 we had a 13 month old little girl placed with us. After being notified of her upcoming TPR court date, we hired a lawyer and even tried to make a “semi” open adoption plan with the birth mom. However, in the end, the birth mom felt that she was better off with some of her friends and thru lots of lying and manipulation (and that’s exactly what the birth mom and her friend’s lawyers did) we lost “our” little girl. This was very difficult for us. We have since moved on and know that the Lord had a bigger plan for us as parents. We currently have a sibling group placed with us as a foster care/pre-adoptive placement with TPR scheduled for July. We have learned a great deal from our first experience and know that things can change in a heartbeat.

As far as what we had intended to pursue ~ we were looking for young children. I guess originally we wanted no one older than 3 years of age. The two children that we have in our home currently are 4 & 6 (soon to be 5 & 7). We are a young couple and wanted to be able to experience all the “first’s” that come with being parents for the first time. We also were not sure how many of the “issue’s” we could deal with that usually come with adopting/fostering older children. However, when we received the call for our kids we currently have, we couldn’t turn them down. Deep down we knew these children were meant to be with us. Was the process what we thought it would be? Nope. It’s a hundred times more stressful! You constantly are in limbo as to what will happen the next day, the next hour. Sometimes I dread the phone ringing.

* What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Our biggest obstacle and the reason we turned to the Foster/Adopt program was the cost of adoption. We realize it costs money to have kids in foster care / to do everything it takes to have an adoption finalized but at what point will the cost quit going up. Afterall, it’s illegal to “sell” kids, right? I think this is the main obstacle that forces many people to decide NOT to adopt. It can be tough. Especially for the younger couples just starting out. We were 25 & 31 when we first starting looking into adoption and even today we don’t have that kind of money. Adopting thru our local AASK program is considerably cheaper.
Another obstacle was our (or should I say MY) family. It took them longer to be ok with our decision to quit fertility treatments and look at adoption. Not that we were waiting for them to say “OK, you can adopt now”, but we are a very close family and deep down, I needed their blessing and to know that they wouldn’t treat our children differently than any of my nieces and nephews.

* Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

At first, my parents couldn’t understand why we were “giving up” on a biological child. My hubby’s dad was all for us adopting. After MANY conversations with my mom, she finally began to understand where we were coming from. Having never dealt with infertility issues, she just didn’t understand how much stress it puts on a person / marriage and I think she felt like I was “settling” for an adoptive child. Although I can’t conceive a child in the “normal” way, we never went as far as IVF and I think my mom wanted to be sure that we had thought thru all of our option. We now have the full support of both families and they are proud of us for what we are doing. They have been there thru all of our highs and lows and are a great support system for us. This means so much to us. The thought did cross our minds about whether or not our families would accept our adopted children as part of the family but they have proved to us that they will by how they have accepted the foster children that have come thru our home.

* Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

If I could change one thing about adopting thru the foster care system (as this is how we are going about it) is that the courts would look more at what is in the best interest of the child – not what is in the best interest of the biological parents. There’s a reason these children are in foster care and if the bio parents are being involuntarily TPR’d why do they get a say in what happens with the child? Just my opinion. I really don’t believe it will ever change though.

* As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Speaking about the kids we currently have in our home, I think one of the major challenges they will face as they grow up is being able to understand that we truly do love them and want them in our family. They do not know the meaning of love and I think this will be tough for them to learn to let their guard down and allow themselves to love us without the fear of being hurt. Being pulled from their home at the ages of 5 & 3, they were old enough to understand that they weren’t living with “mom” anymore. They then spent 1 year in a foster home that was not a good match for them and then were placed with us. Thankfully, this SHOULD be their last move. I also think that they may have friends that ask them questions as they do not look like us and wonder why? We will help them face these challenges by always keeping an open line of communication with them. They are old enough to know that they are being adopted and what that means. We will support them as they grow up and when/if the day comes that they decide to look for their bio parents, we will support them in that endeavor.

Thank you both for participating. Related Tags: adoptive parenting, adoptive parents, adopting, adoption interviews

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1) The first one is Heather, who blogs at Based On A True StoryPeople decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

I’ve never wanted biological children. I’m also not a fan of babies. So an older child adoption seemed perfect for me. It is an ethical question for me. I wouldn’t feel right producing new children when there are many, many kids already in the world who need homes. My husband doesn’t quite see it that way. He was strongly in favor of biological children but he’s excited about the adoption now.What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

Our adoption went through many incarnations. We started looking at Vietnam around 1999. At the time our main limitation was the cost of an international adoption. Over time Vietnam closed for a while and we started looking at India. Again the major concern was cost. We hadn’t seriously looked at U.S. adoption because of the horror stories that we’d heard about kids being taken away from adoptive families and about the psychological state of kids in foster care. Once we started actually researching U.S. adoption it wasn’t as scary as the stories that we had heard.We were hoping for a 3-6 year old girl any race. We were open to siblings. We did not want to break up a set of siblings. We were matched with a 4 year old Caucasian girl who has a younger brother that was already adopted separately. After years of assuming that we’d be adopting internationally, looking at pictures of a blond haired, blue eyed girl that looks like me was quite strange. Not at all what we expected.

What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Other than cost our main obstacle was family. He had just built a house and were at a place that we could start taking action when my mother-in-law came for a 3 week visit that turned into a 1.5 year stay. Neither of us were willing to pursue an adoption with her in the house because she would have needed to be included in all the paperwork and the interviews. We also didn’t get along very well so the atmosphere in the house was very tense. It wouldn’t have been a good environment to bring a child into. After she left we took about 6 months to recover our sanity and then started working on the adoption.We had a hard time finding an agency to work with us. One that we found (and paid a deposit to) had such poor communication that we missed our orientation because they told us the wrong days in spite of us calling twice to confirm. We started looking for another agency but no one in the state works with foster kids. We were told by the agencies that we should do it on our own using the internet to find child profiles so that’s what we decided to do.

Our homestudy worker was against our plan to adopt from foster care too. She is a former county foster care director and spent a lot of the interview trying to convince us to either adopt a baby or to adopt from Vietnam. She told us that kids from the foster care system will ruin our lives. We’ll spend all our time driving them to therapy with no true family bonding or love to show for it. Luckily we had done enough research at the time to know that that wasn’t necessarily true. I don’t know what effect hearing that from an “expert” would have on people who were just starting to consider adoption.

The homestudy paperwork wasn’t as bad as I’d heard. The only problem we had was with my husband’s fingerprints. Mine took 24 hours to get back. His took 4 months. For a long time the agency wouldn’t release them. Then they got lost in the mail twice. I started wondering if he was either a CIA agent or a terrorist! That held everything up for a while. After that it has been fast. Our homestudy approval is dated April 1 and we were contacted about a possible match the first week of May. That is incredibly fast in retrospect but it seemed like forever at the time.

Working with bureaucracy can be tiring. We were told that we might have to take a foster care training so I found a course. I called back to the child’s social worker and was told that we wouldn’t have to take the course. A week after the course started we got a call that said we were approved for placement as soon as we could take a foster care training course. No other ones are offered for a few months. It is nothing life-threatening but it is annoying.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

I tend to be fairly independent and stubborn so the opinions of other people in this area don’t matter all that much to me. My mother would prefer that we had biological children but she has accepted that it won’t happen. The rest of my family is supportive. My friends and co-workers are excited about it but don’t understand why it is taking so long.Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I would change the assumption that adoption is something that you do as a last resort. I would love for it to be seen as a logical thing to do instead of having biological children. I’d love to see the sentence, “They tried and tried to have kids and they couldn’t so they adopted” disappear. I’m not sure if that will happen. Even people who know that I have chosen to adopt instead of reproducing have told me that I’ll get pregnant now. Uh, no. That’s not the goal.As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than that of adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

I think that adoption is more out in the open than ever before. Our matched child is old enough to know what is going on. It isn’t like she isn’t going to know that she’s adopted. I do worry about people asking about why she was removed from her birth family in front of her. We’ll be dealing with the aftereffects of abuse for the rest of her life. We’ll have therapists for her to help her work through issues. I think being open and honest will be the key.

2) The second one for this installment is Petunia who blogs at Stupid Stuff I Think who says “I started my blog as a way to journal my feelings about our own adoption and all it entailed. It quickly became a defense for adoption with the many anti adoption bloggers. They were used to telling prospective adoptive parents the evils of adoption. But they were not prepared for me also being adopted and happy about it”.People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

We tried to conceive for 13 years. We tried hormone therapy, drugs, surgery and IUIs but in the end we felt it was God’s way of telling us to adopt. Once we finally decided to give up all the procedures we were so sure and at ease with our decision. We know now the wait was all worth it to find our daughter.

What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?We had thought about Russian adoption after my brother went to St. Petersburg for my nephew. We went to a picnic in a nearby town where they sponsored a group of Russian children from an orphanage and prayed that if it was something we were supposed to do, God would let us be totally at ease. When we got there NO ONE talked to us and we were SO uncomfortable. That was our answer. A friend had told me the agency she had gone through when she placed her child and I got some information from them and we started the process. I didn’t even check any other agencies, we felt so at ease with the one we had chosen. They were small and got to know each couple that went through their doors. We felt they were an ethical agency who supplied counseling and cared for all the birthmothers they helped with placement. We had chosen to adopt in our area and have a semi-open adoption. We came to find out the agency was NOT the one my friend used but that confirmed for us that it was a leading that had to be God. We were meant to find our little girl.What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

We really were worried that wanting a semi-open adoption and me having a full-time job would be a turn off for any birthmother. I also thought that me being adopted would make a difference but it’s one of the reasons we were chosen by our daughter birthparents.

Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

My parents were all for it of course. Not only was I adopted but my nephew and my cousin were adopted. That same cousin adopted two boys from Russia and another two cousins adopted babies in the last few years. My family is very touched by the adoption process and knows how wonderful it can be. My husband’s parents were unsure about the whole thing, being new to it, and were unsure how they would feel about an adopted child. They were never too negative but I knew they had some apprehension. It really was upsetting to me but I felt they needed to be educated (as do most people that aren’t informed about adoption).

Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be? First, I would like people to be more educated about the whole thing. The language they use can seem rude and can hurt other people’s feelings. Secondly, people can’t ever understand that you love an adopted child as much as any biological child. Lastly, I would like to see agencies be ethical and consider the money that is exchanged. We are middle income and had a difficult time affording all the expenses that went into our own adoption. I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon and I’m glad the government in some states give an adoption tax break.

As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?It is a different world than it was when I was growing up adopted. We just didn’t talk about it and I feel today it can be too much of a topic in a family because we are trying to be so open and honest. I want it to be a topic that can be talked about if my daughter wants to ask. I worry that it will be lost in the daily grind and then we’ll have to bring it up so it is not lost…I’m still trying to discover how to do that.

Thank you to both ladies who participated.
Related Tags: adoption, adoptive parents, adopt, adopting

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