For all of you who have adopted internationally, what have your experiences been and what should we be looking out for and asking agencies?

Here is one of the she received from a forum member:

We went the international route after becoming severely discouraged and disappointed with the US domestic. But before we made the final decision about choosing another country from which to adopt, we had tried adopting biracial babies domestically. During the time that we were going through these adoptions that eventually failed, we had time to imagine being the parents of a child of a race different from ours. I really do think that was an important part of the process for us. I really think that mind-shift that we went through helped us with our own adjustment period when we did receive our children. By the time we chose Cambodia, we were dedicated to being the parents of a brown child (children). We had already worked out how we would handle reactions to our new family, comments, stares, questions, etc.

I can tell you that adopting a child of a different race, and culture changes your own life in a very profound way, and this is a wonderful thing, but is also something that is wise to be prepared for in advance as much as possible. Your new little child will have a tremendous amount of things to adjust to and it’s important that you be prepared to help with that rather than having to deal with your own adjustments. I hope I am making sense, I am trying to say something to the effect that I’m advising you to make the mental adjustment long before the adoption takes place.

As for choosing a country, agency, etc. It’s all a very personal choice, and sometimes it’s pure serendipity, like it was for us. We started out heading for one place and ended up in another, which was a wonderful thing. So an open mind is also important. I also wanted an infant and my girls were 5 months old when they joined our family. I did have to go through something of a mourning process over the missed time with them. With an international adoption, you will miss some of your child’s first months and moments, and that is the trade-off. It’s important to be at peace with that. I worried so much about all the questions I wouldn’t be able to answer for my girls when they got older, but then I decided that it was more important to establish a trust relationship with them, and be honest, and when I couldn’t answer a question, I would try and help them understand the circumstances of why, rather than be sad about the missing pieces.

In my opinion, I think that mostly it’s important that you are wiling to accept that yours will be a different kind of family and that you can feel very good and proud about that. We impress on our girls that we are grateful for everything that led to our adopting them and that they are the best thing that ever happened to us.

I think it’s important for us, as the adopting parents, to be at peace and completely satisfied with the way our families were formed, because that will influence our children to also be satisfied.

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One of the myths that was posted several times was about adoption being a “last resort” or something we HAVE TO do:

“All adoptive parents “have to” adopt because they can’t “have their own” children. Reality: lots of families CHOOSE to adopt for lots of different reasons, including medical, religious, etc. that do NOT include infertility. The corollary to this myth is that adoption is a family’s second choice”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options “

“You only chose to adopt after spending tons of money trying to have a child “Naturally”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options ”

“They are infertile and adopt because they can’t have their “own” children (often not the case”

Another myth that came up was that somehow you can’t love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

“That no adoptive parent can really love an adopted child as much as they love ‘their own’”

“You could never really love a kid that isn’t “yours”.”

“You can’t love a child unless they are genetically related to you”

A few members brought up that people think you had to be rich to adopt.

“It is a myth that you need lots of money or have to own a home, have a huge savings accounts, be of a certain age, etc”.

“You have to be rich to adopt”

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What makes that difference between good and horrible?

With my kids (half bio. siblings), the difference was what age they were removed from their abuser, how many foster homes they were in and how they were treated by their foster families. My kids would make a perfect case study because you can actually document how each of those factors play a role in their lives. J was removed from their abusive home at 9 months, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) and both of those families loved and nurtured her as if she was their own. J is now an emotionally healthy, loving 11 year old who is smart, compassionate and thoughtful. S was removed from her abuser on her 4th birthday, in her four years in foster care was only in two homes (one for 1 year, the other for 3 years) but the first family that she lived with treated her like an outsider. C was removed from his abuser at 6 and spent his first year in foster care in four foster homes because he was so angry nobody wanted him. He was never given the opportunity to bond with anyone and that permanently damaged him.

What advice could you offer to me as I assess these children & situations?

Read 15 Questions For An Older Child Adoption on the Forever Parents blog. Linny wrote it a while ago and it’s a very helpful tool in assessing a situation.
Read some of the posts in the Older Child category on the Forever Parents blog. Look in the left sidebar for the category listings.
Read Adopting The Hurt Child by Gergory Keck. You can follow the link and buy it through our adoption shop. In my opinion, this is the most honest book about older child adoption out there and is still on my book shelf. The companion book is Parenting The Hurt Child and is a book I refer to often, even after six years.

What can I know now that will help me better understand the children true abilities/challenges/struggles?

Every child is different. C is still struggling with a lot of the same issues that we dealt with the first year. Nothing I do seems to make a difference, and that is so incredibly frustrating. I have come to the realization that I’ve done all I can and the rest is up to him. S healed from so many of her issues and then BAM…out of no where some of them started to crop back up. I know that kids who have been through abuse and trauma revisit a lot of issues later on, but it’s so hard when I’ve already seen the light at the end of her tunnel with her. Are you prepared for the possibility that they may never 100% heal and that you will become the target of their hurt and anger?

What about you? I’d love to hear from some of our readers. How would you answer her questions, based on your own experiences?

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Here’s what some of them suggested:

We had spread our desire to adopt through word of mouth only. The possibility of adoption was a subject that came up often during the course of our miscarriages and infertility treatments. My doctor had even indicated that he was often made aware of situations through his work as an OB/GYN. Family members who often had unwanted and unsolicited advice, were also aware of our desire to adopt and often alerted us to possible situations. My husband’s job brought him into contact with many people during the course of the week, and our first situation was through a co-worker who was friends with a tenant in one of the apartment complexes.

There are much better and more wide-spread ways to network, but this simple form of spreading the word, brought us 3 situations over the course of one year.

I spoke with our adoption attorney for suggestions. We signed up with an agency she (the attorney) knew about; but then I kind of went out on my own. Actually, we learned more from venturing out on our own, than from anyone else.

We knew that we could adopt from other states other than our own, simply because we had relatives and friends in those particular states for the most part. I literally sat down with the computer, Googled those particular states with, “adoption agencies in XX(state)’
A long list came up each time, and I printed it off. I then sat down with pencil and paper and called any/all that I thought looked promising. Even if/when these agencies wouldn’t/couldn’t deal with us, I still learned sooo much just from questions and answers from them! And, then there were those I DID find out would/could work with us, and actually sent our profiles to them, as most would say they ‘often/always needed families wanting to adopt African American babies’.

I kept a spiral notebook with all of the contacts and phone conversations I had. In this way, I was also able to make remarks as to why or why not that particular agency did/didn’t meet with my liking. It helped immensely!!!! And honestly, there were those who might not have been able to help us (due to higher fees or not being able to deal with people outside of state), but they’d give the name of another attorney or agency we might be able to work with!

In this way then, when I’d see postings of available babies and the agencies that were handling the adoptions, I’d often know right up front whether I wanted to even call them or not. And….this info has helped others who needed info about a certain agency as well.

And, like I said, we sent out a lot of profiles to many of these agencies with the idea of ‘just in case’. In the last adoption, we were called for our baby, simply because I had had a lengthy conversation with one caseworker about their fees and our family! Even though I told them their fees were higher than we could afford, they called us because this was a special situation for them (and a stork baby, besides). They’d never seen our profile……but because of the conversation, we have our baby!!!

I kept everything written down of who and what agency/attorney I told with and the outcome. I sent profiles all over the place. Probably spent close to $500 worth of those things out! I checked the Forever Parents adoption forums regularly and other sites that listed hard to place situations. It was a member of Forever Parents who saw our son’s situation and shared it with the group.

Also, although I did not do this, I have heard of potential adoptive parents making business cards and putting them in everything they mail out (such a bills, etc) and posting them on cork boards at colleges, restaurants, etc. to get the word out they are looking to adopt. I always worried this could be an easy way to invite an adoption scam into my life so I didn’t do it.

We did nothing but wait for the right matches to come through our agency. They were dealing with about 20-30 placing mothers a year, and they aimed to keep 20 couples in The Book at a time.

I have become acquainted with Jeff at ParentGallery.com. He offers an affordable alternative to a.com’s ParentPages. He is kind enough to offer 2 free months to my clients. Another possible resource might be myadoptionadvisor.com/

We told our families (which are very large and nationwide), friends, co-workers, friends on Facebook and take advantage of every oppurtunity to tell someone when the topic of children comes up which happens quite often. We will also send our profile to the the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys once our certification to adopt is approved.

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Congressman Jim Himes has selected Jewish Family Services Adoption Connection Program Coordinator Debbie Schwartz as a 2010 Angel in Adoption (TM) for her outstanding advocacy of adoption.  The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI), which orchestrates the Angels in Adoption™ program, will honor Schwartz, along with more than 190 Angels, at an awards ceremony and gala event in Washington, DC, October 6, 2010.

For over a decade, Schwartz has been a devoted and effective advocate for adoption and adoption services.  A longstanding volunteer for the Adoptive Parents Committee, Inc. (APC) she has served on the APC Board of Governors and as co-President of the Hudson Chapter.  For more than ten years she has facilitated the APC monthly meetings in Fairfield County, helping countless numbers of people looking to build their families through adoption.  An avid speaker and leader at area adoption conferences and workshops, she is currently promoting positive adoption awareness and education as the Program Coordinator for Adoption Connection of Jewish Family Services of Greenwich.  She is an online group moderator and speaker promoting positive adoption language and support in this era of online social networking.  Schwartz is also the founder and director of the Forever Families Weekend for Jewish Families Touched by Adoption, the first program specifically dedicated to furthering positive adoption growth and education for Forever Families in the Jewish community.  Forever Families Weekend is coordinated jointly by Jewish Family Services of Greenwich and the New Jersey “Y” Camps. 

The Angels in Adoption™ program is CCAI’s signature public awareness campaign and provides an opportunity for all members of the U.S. Congress to honor the good work of their constituents who have enriched the lives of foster children and orphans in the United States and abroad. 

“The Angels in Adoption program is unlike any other program in the Nation’s Capitol. Because of it, over 1600 “Angels’ have come to share with Washington their adoption experience and left with a renewed excitement of all that adoption makes possible,” said Kathleen Strottman.  “I learned one simple lesson from my time on the hill, knowledge is power.  Angels in Adoption is meant to give Members of Congress the knowledge they need to use the power they have toward making the dream of a family a reality for every child.” 

In addition to the more than 190 local angels from around the country, several National Angels will also be recognized at the ceremony and gala for their dedication and commitment nationally and internationally to child welfare on a grand scale.  Former “National Angels” include First Lady Laura Bush, Patti LaBelle, Jane Seymour, Muhammad Ali, the late Dave Thomas, Steven Curtis Chapman, Bruce Willis, Alonzo Mourning, and Marcus Samuelsson.

The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI) is a 501(c)3 nonpartisan organization dedicated to raising awareness about the tens of thousands of orphans and foster children in the United States and the millions of orphans around the world in need of permanent, safe, and loving homes through adoption.  CCAI’s goal is the elimination of the barriers that hinder these children from realizing their basic right of a family. 

CCAI was created in 2001 by the active co-chairs of the bicameral, bipartisan Congressional Coalition on Adoption (CCA) to more effectively raise Congressional and public awareness about the issue of adoption. 

The Angels in Adoption™ program was established in 1999 as a Congressional press conference to honor outstanding individuals. Since then, the program has developed into a yearlong public awareness campaign culminating in an extraordinary awards Gala and celebration in Washington, D.C. 

CCAI does not receive any government funding and they rely on the generous support of foundations, corporations, and individuals to accomplish their mission.  For more information visit http://www.ccainstitute.org/

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Click here to watch live . You can login, watch Debbie, and type in questions and comments for her.
Click here to watch the archived interview (Click on the May 19 episode to watch the 60 minute show).

Some of the topics Debbie hopes to cover tonight are:
• What is Forever Families Weekend and why did I start the program?
• Is there such a thing as a “religion of origin?”
• Is a change of religion from birth family to adoptive family another loss in the adoption experience?
• How does religion factor into the developmental search for identity that EVERY child goes through and that is often more complicated for adoptees?
• Are we, as adults in the adoption community, ignoring something that needs to be addressed?
• Of course, children who join their families through adoption need to be full members of those families, so being raised in their “religion of origin” would create just as many issues as it might solve, so how do we address this? Is it enough just to acknowledge it?
• When we talk with adoptees about ways in which their adoptive and birth families differ, how do we address this issue (with the idea that we need to make that process less emotionally charged)?

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If you’re already a forum member, you can head over there to get started right now.

If you’re not a member, you can join here: Adoption Forums

One winner will receive:

1. A copy of 97 Ways To Make A Baby Laugh.

AND *drum roll please*

2. An adoption profile review by our own Lori (Best Light) of  Best Light Adoption Profile Review. She’ll look at your profile through three lenses: its visual appeal, its tone, and its distinctiveness, and give you a 30 minute telephone consultation (value $100) with her findings and suggestions.

Good luck!!

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“Years ago I was in a serious relationship with someone who, for political reasons, felt very strongly that he would never want to bring a child into this world when there were already so many children who needed families. I really thought I might marry this man, but I had always thought I would have children the “old-fashioned” way. In the end, our relationship didn’t survive (not because of this issue), but not before I had reached the conclusion that I could happily adopt a child someday.

My husband and I did not do anything to prevent pregnancy, but when it didn’t happen on its own, we moved directly to adoption, without pursuing any types of infertility treatment. We knew right away that our goal was to become parents – not pregnant – and adoption was an easy decision with that in mind.”

“I am a single parent. But even as a child, I was drawn to the idea of adoption. As soon as I began thinking of having a family, I always thought of adoption. I might have earlier thought of blending birth children and adopted children when I still thought I might marry.”

“I’ve always thought of adopting, but when I got married it wasn’t the first idea that came to mind in terms of forming our family. Then I gave birth to two kids, and that was wonderful. However, I’ve always thought three was the perfect number of children (maybe because there are three siblings in my family), and my husband and I had always agreed that it would be hard to justify bringing more than two kids into the world when it is already overpopulated, and considering that there are plenty of kids already out there without families. So when we decided not to have any more children by birth, we told ourselves that it didn’t mean “no more children at all.” And then, eventually, we decided to talk seriously about adoption, and one thing led to another…and here we are, expectant adopting parents of a four year old girl!

Another factor is knowing quite a few people in my immediate circle who have adopted–and adopted in a variety of configurations and ways (lesbian couple doing domestic adoption, single parent adopting internationally, hetero couple adopting internationally, “biracial” family doing transracial domestic adoption…) So we have had lots of vicarious experience to reinforce our initial inclination toward adoption.

I was also privileged to share closely in another person’s international adoption experience when I accompanied them overseas as a “support person” for the adoption. It was amazing to witness and be part of that process, even from the sidelines. I felt very strongly as I watched: “wow, giving birth was amazing, and this is also amazing, and I wish I could do this, too.” I feel extremely lucky because it seems I am going to have my wish.”

“As a child, my “fantasy” was not being a wife and mother, but being a mother with marriage as an afterthought. As I became a teenager I was made aware of different types of “orphans”…and began to solidify that I wanted to adopt when older no matter if I was single or married.

I was in a couple of relationships in my 20s and these guys didn’t want to adopt so I figured I would marry and have children like most people do. When these relationships didn’t end up in marriage I focused on eliminating my student loan debt and buying a home. When I completed that, I came to the realization that there is no perfect time to have children and that I could provide for a child, so adoption was an easy decision after that.

Now I’m just in the middle and although waiting is tough, I haven’t regretted my decision to date.”

“I always wanted to be a Father. From about the age of 12 I remembered telling people I was going to adopt and they laughed at me saying I will “want my own” child(ren) when I am old enough to know. Years have passed and I still want to adopt. My wife was on board for it as well. We know that fertility would be an issue for us and would require medical intervention if it was at all possible but we haven’t even bothered to try because we both agree that adoption is the only option for our family. People ask if we feel like we are missing out and we can genuinely say we don’t. The only time we think of having biological children is when we are sick of the wait but we know just because someone gets pregnant unfortunately does not equal a baby after the 9 months of waiting. I had a friend whose wife carried a baby full term when she delivered the baby was stillborn we were all devastated.
With that said we know adoption is our first and only real option.”

“When my second husband and I did not get pregnant (likely due to my age, he’s 10 yrs younger), we did not hesitate to call an adoption agency and get the ball rolling. There was no need for infertility clinics (and my doctor still felt at my age that it was a consideration). Adoption was never a “second choice” for our family. As an interracial couple, we knew there would be doors open for us and there certainly were as we went on to adopt 4 children. Although I had parented previously, my husband had not. But he says that with all of his heart, there is no way he ever looks back and wishes we could have had a biological child. Our 4 children are ours in every way possible and we are so very blessed!”

Continue on to Adoption As A First Option (pt.2)

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We’re having a new contest in the adoption forums! It’s been a while since we had one (I think the last one was here at the blog) so I decided it was time.

If you’re already a member, you can head over there to read about it. If you’re not a member, you can join here:
Adoption Forums

Good luck!!

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It’s important for those of us who adopted our children to interact (online or off) with others who understand and can empathize with us. Equally as important is for pre-adoptive parents to have a safe place to ask questions or vent. You are not alone.

The adoption forums at Forever Parents are private and there is a process to joining. The process is not hard or time consuming but it’s in place to help us determine if someone has ill intentions and wants to join for the wrong reasons. The privacy and comfortability of our members is our priority.

Another way that we help maintain a safe and caring environment is to require that all members participate. No, that doesn’t mean you have to post every day, it just means that you have to show an interest in our community and participate on a regular basis. This is especially important for new members that we haven’t gotten to know yet. Inactive members will be periodically removed.

Interested in joining?

1. Go to our adoption forums and click the link that says “register” in the upper left corner. We will have to approve your account before it can be activated.
2. Once your account has been approved, please post a little about your connection to adoption, in this forum. Your first post will have to be approved before it will be visible.
3. When your post has been approved, it will be moved into the rest of the forums (they’re private and can’t be seen) and you will be given full access.

If you have any problems with completing any of these steps, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment in this blog post.

Thanks and see you in the forums!

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