Jill and Jon have gone through several miscarriages and rounds of IVF. They have approximately $20,ooo left. They’ve decided their funding will either be exhausted by continued attempts with IVF; or, they’ll bet on a sure thing with putting their monies into adoption. They feel as though they’ve been through the mire. They’ve been married 6yrs, have good jobs and feel good about making a decision toward something that will have a happy ending. (Adoption)

But before that happy ending can happen, Jill and Jon will have to undergo a grueling test of just how much they really WANT to have a baby in their home.

How?

By going down the long road of proving themselves worthy to adopt and parent children. This task of proving themselves will put them through one of the toughest journeys of their lives. The process is one of the most ‘one-sided events’ they’ll ever undertake. And, unless they’re well educated and well read, it’s very possible that they’ll lose a considerable amount of money before they have a newborn in their arms…..

Before anyone can legally adopt a baby, they have to have a completed home study conducted. This document is essential to adopt domestically and internationally. The cost for a domestic home study often ranges from $1500.00 – $2000.00. (An international home study often costs more.) The home study involves individual interviews with the prospective parent; interviews with both parents; written referrals from friends, relatives, bosses, and sometimes, their pastor. It will require that the hopeful adoptive couple submit to full disclosure of their tax forms, their loans, expenses, their monthly budget and any other additional income or debts they might have. They’ll be asked if they have a will, life insurance and a designated person to parent their child should both of them die at the same time.

It will require them to write out a biography of their lives and how they met; how long they dated and what kinds of issues they might have dealt with—prior to and post marriage– that were easy or difficult. They’ll have to answer questions about their parents’ discipline; talk about their own ideas concerning children; how their expanded family feels about adoption and how good their sex life is—or is not. They’ll also be required to discuss their failed IVF treatments; whether they think they’re ready to have a baby through adoption and why they think they should be allowed to adopt at all. Oftentimes, their boss will have to submit a letter discussing how well they perform their job and how long they’ve been employed with that job.

If their state requires a foster license in order to adopt across state lines, they’ll have to complete 16 hours of PRIDE or MAPP classes meant for parents of foster children (even if their child won‘t be a foster child). These classes will include discussions and assignments about behavior disorders, sexual and physical abuse of children, how to discuss adoption with older children, and specific mental issues more often seen in older adopted children who‘ve been through the foster care system.

They’ll have to submit to a state (and sometimes national) background and fingerprint check; oftentimes, a CPR class; and usually one or more parenting classes. Sometimes, there are classes designed to explain a recurrent theory holding that even when their child is adopted, they should understand the child is actually not ‘theirs’, but still belonging to the biological family—whether their child will feel actually feel that way or not. (State foster care systems like to remind parents of the theory that most children will long for their biological family……a theory that oftentimes is not true.)

In short, Jill and Jon will have to expose their innermost feelings, insecurities and strengths about themselves, each other and those in their extended family; then allow others to tell them HOW and WHY those thought processes are either correct or need correction…depending on who their instructors are.

Through all of this, will be a casework who will write out the home study and sometimes put his/her own spin on what’s being said or written by Jill and Jon. More often than not, the caseworker will be a complete stranger to the hopeful adoptive couple. ( It’s been our own experience, that most caseworkers have been unmarried with no children and certainly have never been through the adoption process.)

Sound overwhelming? It can be. Yet this is just the beginning of an adoption journey.

Compare the above then, with those who choose to get pregnant (or can easily get pregnant).

How many documents does a pregnant couple have to fill out? Does anyone ask about their family background? Do they submit to background checks? (In fact, those convicted of sexual offenses continue to have the right to pro-create.) Does anyone ask them what their plans are for discipline or whether they have a Will or someone to parent their children should both of them die at the same time? Do they have to worry their insurance won’t pay for the pregnancy or the birth of their child?

If getting pregnant takes longer than they’d hoped, will the hopeful pregnant couple need to update their family history as adopting couples do every year (and sometimes, every six months)? Barring IVF treatments, will the hopefully pregnant couple have to pay monies to apply for the possibility of having a child? (Adoptive couples can pay thousands in application fees and possible situations.)

Sound unfair? It is!

Certainly, getting pregnant is actually a lot easier and less expensive in many ways than adoption. Yet for those who desire to adopt, this scenario is just a brief listing of the various hoops and loops hopeful parents must go through in order to find their baby to adopt.

It’s frustrating, unfair and oftentimes, those in waiting will want to throw in the towel and quit altogether. But, there are ways to help make the process a little easier, a little less expensive and stressful.

In part two, I’ll discuss the various ways adoptive couples can venture through the adoption journey without losing hope of finding/adopting a baby—and without losing their minds in the process.

Written with a lot of experience, by Linny

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One social worker told me that she would flag any couple considering adoptive breastfeeding because she felt that it enabled an adoptive mother to go into denial that this baby was not biologically hers. Another felt that any non-structured religion should be flagged as a cult. Others encourage people to reveal, even elaborate on minor issues in the past because “nobody’s perfect, you shouldn’t try to look perfect”, and then do a 180 and demand to know why there wasn’t counseling. Just ask most domestic adoption agencies today if they would support you if you did not want an open adoption. Many will say that you need counseling, that there’s a problem with YOUR perception of healthy parenting.

It appears that the road to adoption is filled with surprise potholes. Some caseworkers will streamline the process and you feel totally comfortable working with them, while others are nitpicky and take extra time analyzing every last detail, slowing your timeline by up to a year. Just like any counselor, there are good and poor matches but when you select an agency, your choices of workers are limited. Many will only work with you if they themselves do your homestudy. If you get someone who appears to be abusing power and intimidating you, do not be afraid to go to management and ask for someone else. If it appears that your choice of agencies is the wrong one because of lack of communication; hidden fees; confrontational issues; feeling coerced into agreeing to a level of openness, health problems, or racial match that you really aren’t ready to choose AND they use scare tactics such as telling you that your chances of adopting are small if you don’t agree: then keep in mind that the longer you stay with them without speaking up, the deeper you could potentially become entangled.

“We can’t change agencies. We’ve already given them ten thousand dollars as a retainer.” Do not let that be your story. Research all of the adoption professionals within your state and the closest adjacent state to find your best, safest options. Ask ask ask all the questions you have before you give anybody any money. Read everything you can about today’s adoption choices. Knowledge is power. If the path that you’re on seems to keep growing steadily into a nightmare, you could actually save money if you find a better agency. Don’t be afraid to demand money back for services poorly or not performed. Document everything. YOU have hired THEM.

So how does all this affect your ability to parent? Do any of the following resonate with you?

“I was afraid to tell them that she is very ____. They might tell me that it isn’t a good fit”.

“What is this “at-risk” placement? Does this mean that they can take our baby away if they decide they don’t like us?”

“I’m afraid that if I tell them that it’s hard to feel like he’s mine when all I hear is his birthmother regretting and crying, that they’ll yell at me or worse.”

“I don’t even bother talking to the agency. It was hard enough getting them to return my phone calls when we were waiting. They don’t care.”

“My agency told me not to stop contact with my son’s birthmother after she began threatening us, because then she can say that we broke promises to her. I don’t feel any support from them.”

“I feel that our child’s medical problems were not disclosed enough. Now the school is saying that we’re in for a long road. This is not what I expected at all.”

” I wasn’t ready for some of the things they sprung on us.”

An absolutely wonderful book on adoptive parent attachment to their children and what factors hinder them is Mothers and Their Adopted Children: The Bonding Process (click to purchase on amazon.com) by Dorothy W. Smith and Laurie Nehls Sherwen. The Tiresias Press, Inc., NYC published it, copyright 1988. Library of Congress number: 87-051227. The authors did a very in-depth study of adoptive mothers. Smith and Sherwen stated that the parent/adoption agency relationship can do one of two things: either support the parent’s position and encourage their feelings of entitlement, or cause so much stress that parents are unable to form bonds. I have noticed very adoptive parent-supportive language in this book, which I appreciate. We are parents, and we form bonds: not just attachments. The topic of openness in adoption is also discussed from the perspective of (adoptive) mothers and their needs to claim their children without outside stress.

An agency’s blanket policy of open adoption being the only ethical and responsible way of going about things fails to recognize the intricate dance of every unique mother and child relationship. Short version: every situation is different, there is no right or wrong way. Similarly with adoptive breastfeeding. A case worker should be able to discern whether or not a couple still needs to grieve the inability to physically bear children. There is much support for adoptive breastfeeding as a way to encourage attachment as well as to provide antibodies to the area of the country where the family resides. Do preadoptive parents tell the caseworker about their desire to breastfeed when they know that many expectant mothers considering adoption see it as a “deal breaker” because of “the yuck factor”? My guess is that since agencies these days provide more of a fiduciary relationship with expectant mothers considering adoption than the people financing their legal expertise, the preadoptive families don’t readily offer that information. It’s a future option and not etched in stone. If there were more public support for it: being a nutritiously healthy option, then perhaps more preadoptive mothers would admit to having an interest.

The relationship that you’ll have with your adoption agency or professional will be a close one for the next two years or more. How the players interact with one another can and do affect the parent-child attachment process. Do your research and find the one that best understands your position, with whom you have the most optimum “meeting of the minds”, and the least feeling of intimidation. Excellent communication, easy access to get questions answered all will matter while you’re waiting. Money is really secondary to what you’ll get in peace of mind. That doesn’t mean that you need to spend a lot. Sometimes the most compassionate, ethical agencies are on the low end of the scale. This is one of the biggest rites de passage of your life. It should be a joyful adventure most of the time. Do your homework. And, Congratulations, soon-to-be parents!

Written by Keadie

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To adopt a baby/child from a private agency or attorney, I would suggest the following:

1. Seriously sit down and create a list of what you’re hoping for. Be honest with yourself. Believe me when I say that there are families for every baby. Don’t adopt across ethnic lines unless you’re prepared to deal with this easily. Don’t adopt a special needs baby unless you’re prepared to educate yourself on the various issues associated with this type of scenario and deal with special needs issues LIFE long. Stay with this list and don’t deviate unless you’ve done a lot of research and feel you can go beyond what you originally set for yourself.
Unlike birth, adoption usually allows you to choose specific special needs, gender and ethnicity.

2. Consider how much money you have to spend on adoption fees. Ask most parents who adopted domestically through private agencies/attorneys and they’ll probably tell you they had to turn down at least one situation because the fees weren’t in their price range. Realize that if you’re not even close to the fees most agencies/attorneys are charging these days, you’ll need to find ways to fund your adoption. Realize that even with the best planning, there can still be expenses you’d not expected. Be sure to have extra emergency funds, or know where you can borrow money if need be.

3. You’ll need a home study. Sit down with the phonebook and look up various agencies or attorneys in your area. If you live in a more isolated area, google “Adoption agencies in X area” and a list will be available for you. Copy that list. Sit down with the list, phone, pen and paper. Phone each agency/attorney and ask what they charge for a homestudy, do they network with other agencies/attorneys to find situations, if they charge a placement fee and if there are any additional charges.

4. Your home study will take approximately three months to complete. Sometimes this is done more quickly; sometimes it may take longer. The home study will consist of several things, not the least of which will be physicals (for you and spouse or partner); references, fingerprints, background checks and more. Realize that most of the time, your completed home study belongs to you! After all, you‘ve paid to have it done. While you may not be privy to everything written in it (most are, but some agencies are private about this), you should be free to have it sent to other agencies/attorneys if another situation should arise where you could be presented as a possible adoptive parent/s. It would be wise to ask an agency/attorney if they’ll allow you to have your home study sent (by them) to other situations from other agencies/attorneys. (A few agencies will only allow their clients to work within their own network. I would personally only choose one that allows its clients to network on their own and with other agencies/attorneys.)

6. It can be said that in order to help find your baby through a private agency or attorney, you’ll need to be proactive. By that, I mean it would serve you well to become active with online adoption groups (such as our own adoption support forums) to discuss agencies/attorneys and various avenues to find resources. You may find it overwhelming, but membership to a good online support system can go a long way to find a reputable adoption agency/attorney.
Other sites which may be helpful to find a reputable agency or attorney are:

http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/

http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/

To adopt from your state’s foster care system, I would suggest the following:

1. Just like adopting privately, sit down and decide the age, ethnicity and special needs of a child you want to adopt. This is especially important when adopting a child from the foster care system. A lot of children in the system have been sexually abused, endured physical abuse and/or have, or are still experiencing attachment difficulties. These issues should not be underestimated. Adopting a child from the foster care system requires a different type of parenting than the parenting required for infant adoption. Therefore, to adopt from the state, additional classes and education are often necessary to learn the skills and techniques to parent a child who’s been traumatized, hurt or simply left in the system too long. Be prepared. These children require more than love, patience and a parent/s. It’s often a good idea for those parenting these children to have a strong support system to confide in, as well as therapeutic resources to refer to.

2. Contact your local Department of Child and Family Services office and inquire about their educational classes that most states require prior to having a home study conducted before you can adopt. Your state may refer to this office as child protective services or child and family services, or some combination of those words. Each state is called something different.

3. Most of the educational classes will take between 4 and 8 weeks to complete (one meeting per week) . Realize right up front that adopting through the state foster care system often goes very slowly. The classes will contain topics such as how to deal with cross-ethnicity, how to parent a child who’s been sexually abused, and many more topics addressing the unique nature of adopting through the state foster care system. Additionally, these sessions will address the ages of children and specific issues that can arise with each age.
Along with classes from the state, I would strongly suggest a visit to a support group for parents who’ve adopted children from the foster care system. This type of group will be an invaluable resource to learn skills and techniques for parenting these special children.

4. Once you’ve completed the required classes (often referred to as MAPP or PRIDE classes, depending on which part of the nation you live in), a caseworker will be assigned to conduct your home study as well as help you in networking to find a an adoptable child through the foster care system. A state foster-to-adopt home study is free of charge as is adoption through the foster care system. Additionally, when/if you receive a child/baby through the foster care system, the child will usually receive a state Medicaid card to pay for medical expenses.

5. Realize that once you’ve completed your home study with the state foster care system, that home study cannot be used for a private adoption situation. While some agencies/attorneys will use the state foster-to-adopt home study as a guide to create a new home study for a private situation, very rarely would the state study be acceptable for a private agency.

6. Once you’ve completed all of the necessary paperwork, fingerprints, background clearances, and have a completed home study through the state, there are other ways to network to find your child. Many organizations are set up, free of charge to your state agency and you, in the hopes of finding families for adoptable children throughout the 50 states.

Adopt America Network
Dave Thomas Foundation
AdoptUS Kids
Each state has it’s own website for children as well:

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/waiting/photolists.html

I hope these suggestions can help. Additional information can also be found by visiting our Adoption Questions and Information forums at Forever Parents.

Written by Linny

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What type of infant you’re hoping to adopt will most certainly make considerable difference in what you will pay. Always remember that adoption IS a business…as much as many of us hate to admit this. With that knowledge, hopeful adoptive couples can be prepared to realize adoption agencies/attorneys also run their businesses in order TO make money (some more than others). Who *you* conduct business with will make all the difference in the world.

First, if you’re looking to adopt an infant through an agency or attorney who’ll do the searching for you within the United States, be prepared to do some research and understand this VERY important point:

There are always exceptions to the rules.

Following is a listing with some of the basic adoption expenses for adoptive couples. Keep in mind this is a generalization. As I mentioned earlier, remember that adoption is a business; that the type of adoption you’re hoping for will impact how much you’ll pay; and most importantly, there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rules when considering the cost of adoption in the United States.

The Private’ Homestudy: A document prepared by a recognized agent/agency in your home state that gives detailed account of your life and those who live with you; your values, beliefs on many topics, your community, education and expectations of raising a child. This is generally done through home visits and interviews with you, your significant other, any children already in the home and oftentimes, interviews with both adults and/or existing children in the home. Generally, personal and work-related references are required. Sometimes, references from a pastor are required as well.
Cost: Approximately $1,000.00 – 2,000.00

Your home study must be completed before you’ll be allowed to adopt at all. I’m told that some states allow the completion of a home study AFTER a baby/child has been placed into your home—especially if an independent adoption is being performed….but this varies incredibly state to state.

An Adoption Attorney: If you’re going through an adoption attorney, it’s often recommended to consult and hire one that belongs to The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (or Quad A attorneys). A Quad A member can be found at this website: http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/ While there are other adoption attorneys who can conduct an adoption, Quad A attorneys are to uphold a high standard of ethics and up-to-date-knowledge concerning adoption law. In my opinion, hiring a Quad A attorney is one more assurance that the adoption will/should be done in an ethical and legal manner.
An Estimation for legal services will also depend on whether the attorney is networking for adoptive parents in seeking out potential expectant women considering adoption, working with an agency directly or in-directly, or simply conducting the legal adoption paperwork once a baby has already been placed with the adoptive parents.
Estimated Cost when networking as well as conducting legal work: $ 5,000.-$10,000.
Estimated Cost when networking, child placement fees and legal work for the adoption: $ 10,000 and up.

The Adoption Agency: A entity licensed by the state that’s recognized to legally place a child with a home studied and approved-to-adopt family. Some agencies will contract out to have home studies conducted; others often have their own caseworkers who conduct the home study process. An adoption agency should be one the adoptive family feels completely comfortable with. The agency is sometimes ‘not-for-profit’; ‘for-profit’, and sometimes affiliated with a certain religious faith. (Note: Not all religiously affiliated agencies require their clients to be members of that particular sect of faith: For instance, Catholic Charities will work with non-Catholic persons.)

Adoption Agencies often network with other agencies and attorneys to find potential expectant women/couples who are considering adoption. Each agency is as individual as could be imagined. Each agency has their own specific requirements, fees, and times in which to collect those fees. Fees charged for home studies are often separate fees from those of ‘child placement, post-placement visits and other expenses.

For instance, (assuming you already have a home study conducted) some agencies will ask for initial money to ‘register’ with them. (Fees can range from $150.00 to $500 and beyond.)
Then, if you’re into their program and willing to “Match”—pre-birth with an expectant woman, monies might be asked at that time. (Fees can range from $0 – $10,000.)
And then, should the expectant woman continue through with her adoption plan, the balance of the entire adoption will be required once the baby is born and releases for adoption have been signed.
Generally, an ethical adoption agency will charge anywhere from $5,000.- 15,000 in child placement fees. This does not include the cost of the home study, any possible expenses to the birthmother, any possible medical expenses or post-placement visits once the baby has been placed in your home.

The Post-Placement Visit: Once you have a baby/child placed in your home, states require the supervising agency to conduct post-placement visits to see how the baby and your family are adjusting to each other. The amount of visits is determined by your agency as well as the state in which you reside. Additionally, if you live outside of the pre-determined area of the agency, you’re often charged for mileage.
Usually, expect anywhere from 1-4 visits.
Estimated fee for *each* post-placement visit: $150-250.

At this point, you might be wondering why there’s such a vast range in fees. In this article , I’ve only skimmed the surface relating to the expenses for adopting a baby from an adoption agency or attorney within the United States. In a following article, I’ll write about the different variables that can easily change the amount of money a family can spend to adopt.

Written by Linny

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“Years ago I was in a serious relationship with someone who, for political reasons, felt very strongly that he would never want to bring a child into this world when there were already so many children who needed families. I really thought I might marry this man, but I had always thought I would have children the “old-fashioned” way. In the end, our relationship didn’t survive (not because of this issue), but not before I had reached the conclusion that I could happily adopt a child someday.

My husband and I did not do anything to prevent pregnancy, but when it didn’t happen on its own, we moved directly to adoption, without pursuing any types of infertility treatment. We knew right away that our goal was to become parents – not pregnant – and adoption was an easy decision with that in mind.”

“I am a single parent. But even as a child, I was drawn to the idea of adoption. As soon as I began thinking of having a family, I always thought of adoption. I might have earlier thought of blending birth children and adopted children when I still thought I might marry.”

“I’ve always thought of adopting, but when I got married it wasn’t the first idea that came to mind in terms of forming our family. Then I gave birth to two kids, and that was wonderful. However, I’ve always thought three was the perfect number of children (maybe because there are three siblings in my family), and my husband and I had always agreed that it would be hard to justify bringing more than two kids into the world when it is already overpopulated, and considering that there are plenty of kids already out there without families. So when we decided not to have any more children by birth, we told ourselves that it didn’t mean “no more children at all.” And then, eventually, we decided to talk seriously about adoption, and one thing led to another…and here we are, expectant adopting parents of a four year old girl!

Another factor is knowing quite a few people in my immediate circle who have adopted–and adopted in a variety of configurations and ways (lesbian couple doing domestic adoption, single parent adopting internationally, hetero couple adopting internationally, “biracial” family doing transracial domestic adoption…) So we have had lots of vicarious experience to reinforce our initial inclination toward adoption.

I was also privileged to share closely in another person’s international adoption experience when I accompanied them overseas as a “support person” for the adoption. It was amazing to witness and be part of that process, even from the sidelines. I felt very strongly as I watched: “wow, giving birth was amazing, and this is also amazing, and I wish I could do this, too.” I feel extremely lucky because it seems I am going to have my wish.”

“As a child, my “fantasy” was not being a wife and mother, but being a mother with marriage as an afterthought. As I became a teenager I was made aware of different types of “orphans”…and began to solidify that I wanted to adopt when older no matter if I was single or married.

I was in a couple of relationships in my 20s and these guys didn’t want to adopt so I figured I would marry and have children like most people do. When these relationships didn’t end up in marriage I focused on eliminating my student loan debt and buying a home. When I completed that, I came to the realization that there is no perfect time to have children and that I could provide for a child, so adoption was an easy decision after that.

Now I’m just in the middle and although waiting is tough, I haven’t regretted my decision to date.”

“I always wanted to be a Father. From about the age of 12 I remembered telling people I was going to adopt and they laughed at me saying I will “want my own” child(ren) when I am old enough to know. Years have passed and I still want to adopt. My wife was on board for it as well. We know that fertility would be an issue for us and would require medical intervention if it was at all possible but we haven’t even bothered to try because we both agree that adoption is the only option for our family. People ask if we feel like we are missing out and we can genuinely say we don’t. The only time we think of having biological children is when we are sick of the wait but we know just because someone gets pregnant unfortunately does not equal a baby after the 9 months of waiting. I had a friend whose wife carried a baby full term when she delivered the baby was stillborn we were all devastated.
With that said we know adoption is our first and only real option.”

“When my second husband and I did not get pregnant (likely due to my age, he’s 10 yrs younger), we did not hesitate to call an adoption agency and get the ball rolling. There was no need for infertility clinics (and my doctor still felt at my age that it was a consideration). Adoption was never a “second choice” for our family. As an interracial couple, we knew there would be doors open for us and there certainly were as we went on to adopt 4 children. Although I had parented previously, my husband had not. But he says that with all of his heart, there is no way he ever looks back and wishes we could have had a biological child. Our 4 children are ours in every way possible and we are so very blessed!”

Continue on to Adoption As A First Option (pt.2)

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“Maybe not exactly what your asking, but my dh and I each had bio children from previous relationships. We never even discussed trying for babies with each other, and actually took measures against it. For some reason, both of us felt drawn to adopt older kids for “our” kids.”

“We did not try to conceive before we adopted, (or ever). Our oldest son was our foster son, and we were called right after his adoption was finalized to see if we were interested in putting in our home study for our youngest. We weren’t even looking to adopt either time, we’ve just been absolutely blessed!”

“I felt very early on, in childhood, that I wanted to adopt. When my husband and I met and dated, we knew before we ever married that adoption would be more important for us than giving birth. We were both of the opinion that the earth certainly had enough inhabitants already; and there were many babies/children who needed parents.

After being married for a couple of years, we had a ‘scare’ of thinking we were pregnant (totally unplanned). It turned out that I wasn’t, but it brought our minds into thinking of having children within the coming years (rather than waiting longer); and before we’d ever have an unplanned pregnancy again, we started the paperwork for genetic testing. (We felt passing on possible traits within our family tree was very unfair, and we wanted to know the odds of doing so.) It was also a way to make us feel more committed to adoption and having the justification to prove it, if necessary.

We filled out endless papers for the testing; were given an appointment; but before we could attend that appointment, we were sent orders to move overseas and we canceled the appointment. Once we received orders, we felt this was the best time to try to adopt, and made this clear to friends and relatives before we moved to Japan.

Once there, we soon saw the only adoption agency on the island (Okinawa) and were told they would start our homestudy, but needed to wait a couple of more months to be officially married for three years. (Requirement of the agency). Not only did we have the endless questions and papers to fill out; but we also had to hold an appointment with an MD to ‘justify’ our reasons to adopt, rather than give birth!!!! We had to actually ask the MD what were the chances of passing on genes we felt were inferior…and this, we did. He told us that even though we didn’t have these actual diseases, the chances were actually 50/50.
We were thrilled to have this comment, had him write this on the paperwork supplied by the agency, and were finally allowed to submit our homestudy to Korea.

On more than one occasion, we’ve been required and asked to explain our ‘wanting to adopt, rather than give birth’ to an agency. We’ve always felt this was ridiculously rude and insensitive that we should have to ‘justify’ our desire to NOT want to further populate the earth and/or pass on genetic traits we felt were unfair to pass on to future generations!!

To be sure we wouldn’t ‘birth’, we made provisions to ‘guarantee’ this. After our second child (baby) was adopted, we sought out the military to perform (sterilization). The Air Force refused, stating that they felt we were too young to decide this. However, during a ‘leave’ to the USA, dh’s childhood general physician agreed to perform the procedure and it was done.

The only time I have ever felt giving birth would have been more beneficial, was when I became totally frustrated with the waiting process…realizing that getting pregnant is usually much faster—-AND easier! (BTW….dh has NEVER felt giving birth would have been better!)

That’s our story of adoption being our first choice in a nutshell. It’s been over 26yrs that we made that choice and we’ve not regretted it.”

If you have also chosen adoption as your first option, please tell us about it in the comment section.

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Asia Press, a small press publisher of children’s books, today announced that it will not be re-printing its popular book, “Rosie’s Family; An Adoption Story” after the current run is sold out. This accurately written and creatively illustrated children’s book has sparked widespread interest amongst parents and teachers, providing them with a practical tool for discussing adoption with young children. Thought provoking and charming, Rosie’s Family has received rave reviews from a range of leading media, while grabbing the attention of adoption agencies and booksellers alike.

Rosie’s Family was recommended by “Savvy Mommy,” Victoria Pericon, when she appeared on New York City’s local television affilliate, WCBSTV,, to review children’s adoption books.

“The illustrations are excellent in addition to clinically correct text,” reported Beth Malley, renowned adoptionn educator and author of Creating a Treasure for The Adopted Child.

“We support Rosie’s Family so strongly that we placed it in our post adoption resource kit which is given to the hundreds of families who adopt through us every year,” said Cathy Murphy, Manager of Regional Development for The Children’s Bridge, Canada’s largest English speaking adoption agency.

Today, one in six couples struglle with infertility and an increasing number are turning to adoption as a means to form their families. According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, it’s estimated that 2% to 4% of American families include an adopted child. Inter-country adoption have been accelerating over the past decade and will likely continue. The result has been an increase in the number of inter-cultural and interracial families, which adds to the list of issues that adoptive families face.

“Rosie’s Family addressed the inherent issues related to interracial and multi-cultural adoption, in an easy-to-read format,” said author Lori Rosove. “The humorous and colorfully animated illustrations are attractive to children and helps in their understanding of adoption.”

Rosie’s Family is ideal for children 4-8 years old, but is also appropriate for parents and older children, including teenagers. It teaches the importance of embracing diversity and tolerance of differences amongst each other. The book addresses common adoption questions such as, “Why do I look different? Where did I come from? What were my birth parents like? Do I belong in my family?” Rosie’s Family makes it easy for parents to tackle this subject matter with their children, which if left unchecked, can leave children with unresolved concerns, possibly leading to serious affect on their self esteem development.

About the Author:
Lori Rosove is the founder of a leading adoption consultancy, Private Adoption Services, which provides services to individuals and agencies throughout the entire adoption process in both foreign and domestic adoption cases. She is also an innovative author of children’s books and created Rosie’s Family after receiving numerous requests from adoption parents for a child-friendly tool that would help them address many common issues with their children.

Order Rosie’s Family through our amazon adoption shop today.

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Adoption Agency Ratings

**update**: I just checked and it seems you cannot post anonymously
**update #2**: A reader posted another site where you can submit or read adoption agency reviews: Adoption Agency Reviews

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1. “Want to adopt? You’re on your own.”
Adoption may seem an altruistic endeavor, but it’s also a big business and a loosely regulated one. “Nobody’s watching for cheaters,” says Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and author of Adoption Nation.

Adoption has always been a local, not federal, issue, and statutes governing it vary from state to state. Few states, Pertman says, go far enough in monitoring and enforcing standards that would prevent adoption agencies from pressuring pregnant women and lying to adoptive parents. So buyer beware.

How can you start the process with confidence? Avoid searching the Web blindly; the Internet is replete with agencies that lack a physical location a major red flag. Instead, check out the National Adoption Directory, a database funded by the Department of Health and Human Services that lists licensed agencies by state. You can research an agency’s history of complaints by contacting the licensing specialist also listed on the site in the state where your adoption will take place. Finally, the directory can point you to support groups that offer independent references for an agency.

2. “We have no idea how long this will take.”
When prospective parents ask how long an adoption will take, agencies often quote an average of one to two years. But the process can take months longer.

First, a social worker conducts a home study to gauge your ability to become an adoptive parent. It includes essays, counseling, home visits and FBI clearance. Agencies typically don’t include time for the home study in their estimates, so be sure to factor in the four months it often takes.

Next, you must wait for a child or birth mother to be identified, then go through the legal steps mostly paperwork to finalize the adoption. International adoptions, in which the children often come from orphanages, can get slowed down by the country of origin’s political problems or red tape. In domestic infant adoptions, the adoption agency compiles a profile describing each family and the environment it can provide a child. The birth mother picks the adoptive parent based on these profiles, and she can be swayed by a seemingly unimportant detail, such as prospective parents’ native state or a pet’s name. To avoid disappointment during your adoption, ask what the average wait time is for people who have yet to be picked by a birth mother.

3. “Speed now can mean heartache later.”
Although domestic adoptions are very rarely contested in court, experts estimate that about half of birth moms decide to keep the child at some point between the initial verbal commitment to adoption and the official termination of legal rights after the birth.

If an agency promises brisker-than-average results, take it as a warning that it may not be adequately investigating who else in the birth mother’s family is involved. Ask if the agency has ruled out the possibility of any biological relatives trying to claim the child. Maureen Flatley Hogan, a Boston-based adoption lobbyist, notes recent cases in which the child’s paternal grandparents challenged an adoption. You’ll also want to ask what steps were taken to include the father in the process. Beware if the agency tells you the birth mom doesn’t know who the father is. It could leave the door open for a potential father to make a claim later.

Sometimes a birth mother contacts an agency within days of her delivery. In those cases, relinquishment shouldn’t happen until she’s out of the hospital and has received eight to 12 hours of counseling with a social worker from an agency with extensive adoption experience. Otherwise she may regret her decision.

4. “You make a lot of money? Oops, our fee just went up.”
Using an agency for an adoption usually costs between $15,000 and $30,000, according to Pertman. Your out-of-pocket costs can include a home study, the process of identifying a child, placement fees and postplacement visits by a social worker. For international adoptions, they may also include the cost of visas, document translation and a contribution to the orphanage. The precise fee you’ll pay for each service varies from one agency to the next. To comparison-shop, ask agencies for an itemized list of charges, and consider dropping any firm that won’t cooperate.

Be wary of any agency that asks for your financial information before providing an itemized list of charges. A home study, required for all adoptions, usually runs between $1,000 and $3,000, but lobbyist Hogan recently came across an agency that was charging consumers 10 percent of their annual income. Other agencies have inflated charges when consumers are eligible for the adoption tax credit. If your 2003 income is below $192,390, you can claim all or a portion of the $10,130 credit. “If the agency knows a family will be eligible, they may increase the cost of the adoption because, after all, the family will get it back in their taxes,” Hogan says.

5. “Our quoted fee is only a fraction of what you’ll spend.”
Besides checking the breakdown of an agency’s fees, you’ll need to ask about extra costs that often aren’t listed at all. In an international adoption, many parents find that once they arrive in the particular country, they are asked to pay bribes to grease the wheels with government officials. For domestic infant adoptions, agencies may not tell you about your responsibility for the birth mother’s living and medical expenses, which can run several thousand dollars, until later in the game. “It is especially disturbing when a mom’s fees are charged ‘retroactively’ for periods of time when the couple didn’t even know she existed,” Hogan says.

If you’re paying a birth mother’s living expenses, ask to write the check directly to the provider, such as the birth mother’s electric company, instead of having the agency give her your money. You’ll also want to see proof of the birth mother’s medical expenses; to preserve her privacy, the agency should be able to delete the birth mother’s identifying information. According to Pertman, some agencies have charged adoptive parents for the full price of health care even though the birth mother was already covered through Medicaid or a state-subsidized program.

6. “We’ll apply more pressure than a car salesman.”
Preadoptive parents are understandably hesitant to question the kinds of activities that would in other circumstances send them running. Every adoption agency understands this insecurity; the worst firms exploit it with pressure tactics more commonly seen in an automobile dealership. There’s even the adoption world’s version of the bait and switch you arrive in a foreign country to find a child who is much older than the one you thought you were adopting or has serious medical problems. Another tactic in international adoptions: ratcheting up the pressure after the parents have received the medical history and a photo of the child and must decide if they want to adopt him. Some agencies will call the couple on a Friday and give them the weekend to decide. Or they’re told that other families or agencies are considering the child, and whoever decides first gets him. Of course, it would be irresponsible to allow a child to languish in an orphanage while a couple takes six months to decide. The best agencies balance these factors by giving the prospective parents about a week to turn down the referral or to make a tentative verbal commitment with the caveat that they can ask for additional information.

7. “The people we work with overseas are unreliable.”
When evaluating a U.S. agency that does international adoptions, ask about the people the agency works with overseas. Often called “agents” or “facilitators,” they act as liaisons between the agency and the orphanages. Many agencies have every intention of working with reputable facilitators, but in too many cases, the go-betweens have sketchy qualifications, as a Michigan family learned after adopting a child from Russia. In the course of a wrongful-adoption suit alleging that the agency failed to disclose the child’s multiple congenital anomalies, the parents discovered that the facilitator had no social-work training; he was a furniture refinisher and didn’t even speak Russian. Before committing to an agency, ask about its overseas liaisons. Are they trained child-welfare professionals? To what degree does the agency assume responsibility for the acts of employees and facilitators abroad? How are facilitators paid? Some receive salaries, which is a good sign, while others are paid for each successful find, which encourages unethical players who just want fast cash. Finally, ask your agency if it’s insured; if it isn’t, you’ll have little recourse in a potential lawsuit.

8. “Children adopted overseas have serious health risks.”
Many agencies would have you believe that children adopted overseas are healthy kids in need of nothing more than love. But many of these children arrive in the U.S. with problems that are as great as or greater than those faced by children in domestic foster care. Many children adopted overseas have spent time in institutions. As a result, there is a possibility of medical and developmental issues that should be explored before you bring a child home. For example, fetal alcohol syndrome is common among children adopted from Eastern Europe. Research has also shown that some institutionalized children have difficulty forming close relationships. The good news is that even the most severe problems can be tackled with early intervention. Some of the best agencies offer classes that cover these issues, but to learn more on your own, check out www.adoptionlearningpartners.org, which offers a comprehensive online education program entitled With Eyes Wide Open: A Preparation Guide to International Adoption for $25. Also, the list of adoption experts at www. adoptionresearch.org/research.html includes relevant articles and studies.

9. “Our medical information is incomplete.”
Once you know the potential for health problems, you’ll face another hurdle: getting specific medical information about your prospective child overseas. Record keeping in the birth country might have been slipshod, or the child may have been abandoned. Even in such cases, however, some helpful information is usually available if your agency bothers to get it. According to a survey conducted by the Adoption Institute, 15 percent of the 1,600 responding families adopting overseas reported that their agency withheld details or gave them inaccurate information about the child. At a minimum, the agency should have material on what the child looked like the day he was brought in how much he weighed, whether he was responsive and his current physical and mental health. Typically, the agency will give you a photo or videotape of the child and will hire a translator to provide a summary of his medical report. As soon as you receive the information, ask a pediatrician who specializes in international adoptees to review it. Find one on the directory at the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Web site. You should also request the original documentation so your pediatrician can compare it with the translation, checking for missing pages. Ann Arbor, Mich., pediatrician Jerri Jenista once saw two different medical reports from two different agencies about the same child. One agency failed to translate a critical sentence: “The mother was an alcoholic and murdered the child’s sibling.”

10. “You got your child . . . See ya!”
The best adoption agencies offer postadoption services that guide parents through a range of problems, from explaining adoption to the child to dealing with their own “postadoption depression,” surprisingly common among these parents. If a child develops a medical condition, parents should be able to call the agency to ask whether it runs in the birth parents’ families. One top adoption agency even arranges to have social workers meet with the child’s teachers to help them understand any problems. And many parents return to their agency when the child is old enough to consider getting in touch with the birth mother. Many agencies, however, end their services the day you bring your child home. To evaluate the level of service, ask the agency to give you names and phone numbers of three clients whose adoptions were completed at least three years ago. Ask those adoptive parents how the agency handled both postadoption services and the adoption process itself.

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“If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
— Anonymous

Agency Fraud (domestic & international):

Get references and contact them. Get references who are at different stages in the process and who have completed adoptions at different times. This is important to detect any changes in treatment as the process progresses and any changes in the agency, facilitator or attorney. Try to get references of people who had problems along the way but were able to overcome them and complete a successful adoption so you can see how the agency responds to and handles problems.

Check an adoption professional or agency out with the licensing authority in its home state. Ask for a record of complaints. The authority is usually the state’s Dept. of Social Services or Dept. of Health and Human Services, except in the case of an adoption agency operating under a lawyer’s license, in which case the authority is the state’s Bar Association. Remember, facilitators are usually unlicensed, unregulated and even illegal in some states.

Check with the foreign country’s US consulate. They may be aware of any problems with the professionals you are considering.

Use the INS and State Dept. websites to be up on all the rules, regulations and situations in whatever country you are considering. In programs where you are allowed to visit the referred child prior to finalizing the adoption, take all possible measures to insure that the adoption will, in fact, be finalized, prior to visiting. This means that you should be sure the child meets the INS definition of an orphan and that other country-specific criteria, such as DNA matching in Guatemala, have been met.

In cases where the biological mother is identified, ask the agency what kind of counseling and support their program offers to biological mothers. The answer may help reveal the agency’s commitment to fair and ethical practices.

Ask about up-front fees. Large amounts of money required before any services are provided should set off alarms and should be thoroughly investigated and compared with other agency fees.

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