Debbie Schwartz, program coordinator for Adoption Connection: Jewish Family Services of Greenwich, and a valued member of our adoption forums, is the guest for tonight’s Adoption Angle’s webcast at 9 pm EST /6 pm PST.

Click here to watch live . You can login, watch Debbie, and type in questions and comments for her.
Click here to watch the archived interview (Click on the May 19 episode to watch the 60 minute show).

Some of the topics Debbie hopes to cover tonight are:
• What is Forever Families Weekend and why did I start the program?
• Is there such a thing as a “religion of origin?”
• Is a change of religion from birth family to adoptive family another loss in the adoption experience?
• How does religion factor into the developmental search for identity that EVERY child goes through and that is often more complicated for adoptees?
• Are we, as adults in the adoption community, ignoring something that needs to be addressed?
• Of course, children who join their families through adoption need to be full members of those families, so being raised in their “religion of origin” would create just as many issues as it might solve, so how do we address this? Is it enough just to acknowledge it?
• When we talk with adoptees about ways in which their adoptive and birth families differ, how do we address this issue (with the idea that we need to make that process less emotionally charged)?

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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Family connections are vitally important to children as they begin to find their place in the world. For transracial and transcultural adoptees, domestic adoptees, and for children in foster care or kinship placements, celebrating the differences within their families as well as the similarities that connect them, is the foundation for belonging. As parents we can strengthen our children’s tie to family and embrace the differences that make them unique. (more…)

Actual customer reviews:

“I Don’t Have Your Eyes” helps kids go beyond ” blood” and “genes” as the only important ties between family members. Instead, Carrie gently points out, even more important, shared strengths and similarities. Congratulations to Ms. Kitze for carefully considering the needs of the adoption community as she publishes her ‘adoption and empowerment- themed’ books.”

“I find this book to be very inspiring. I wish I had A book like this when I was a child. As an adult adoptee, I feel this book touches upon the most important connections we need to make with our children.”

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Forever Parents was created in 2002, to support and encourage parents of adoptees and those who are on the path to becoming one. Along with this community blog and our adoption store, the heart of Forever Parents has always been our adoption forum.

It’s important for those of us who adopted our children to interact (online or off) with others who understand and can empathize with us. Equally as important is for pre-adoptive parents to have a safe place to ask questions or vent. You are not alone.

The adoption forums at Forever Parents are private and there is a process to joining. The process is not hard or time consuming but it’s in place to help us determine if someone has ill intentions and wants to join for the wrong reasons. The privacy and comfortability of our members is our priority.

Another way that we help maintain a safe and caring environment is to require that all members participate. No, that doesn’t mean you have to post every day, it just means that you have to show an interest in our community and participate on a regular basis. This is especially important for new members that we haven’t gotten to know yet. Inactive members will be periodically removed.

Interested in joining?

1. Go to our adoption forums and click the link that says “register” in the upper left corner. We will have to approve your account before it can be activated.
2. Once your account has been approved, please post a little about your connection to adoption, in this forum. Your first post will have to be approved before it will be visible.
3. When your post has been approved, it will be moved into the rest of the forums (they’re private and can’t be seen) and you will be given full access.

If you have any problems with completing any of these steps, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment in this blog post.

Thanks and see you in the forums!

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Update: Debbie, one of our adoption forum members shared a sample letter. I posted it at the bottom.

Update #2: A list of email addresses has been added at the bottom of this post.

One of our adoption forum members brought this to our attention (thanks Debbie!) and I am passing it along to anyone who may be interested. I’m also adding my personal thoughts, which I shared on our adoption forum, at the end of this post.

There is a horror slasher film being released July 24 (Orphan) about a family who adopts an older girl who “is not what she appears to be. Warnings about her go unheeded until it is too late…for everyone”. The film is being promoted now (http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com) and the adoption message being sent is extremely negative. There is actually a line in the trailer that says “it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own”.
Without having seen the movie or read the script, it is hard to know if the entire movie is sending a ghastly adoption message, but the trailer certainly leads us to believe it is. This feeds the notion that older adoptees are very troubled and you should beware…. that’s not an image any of us want the general public to have of our kids. It plays into people’s deepest fears.

There is a growing group pursuing a boycott of the film, sending out emails and posting on online bulletin boards. I urge you to forward this email to others personally involved in adoption, help disseminate the boycott message and write to the producers and distributors expressing your displeasure with the message being sent.
The backers of this movie have deep pockets. It is being released by Dark Castle Entertainment with Warner Bros. set to distribute. Leonardo DiCaprio’s Appian Way, which developed the material, is also producing.

Here are my personal thoughts;

I just watched the trailer. Looks like the type of movie I would love…..dark and creepy. That line about it being hard to love an adopted child as much as your own is actually said by the adopted girl herself, who is obviously psychotic.

I have two thoughts about this movie……

If people take this movie as a serious portrayal of what older child adoption could be, it might actually be a good thing. There are seriously damaged older kids being adopted into families that have no idea what their in for and once the papers are signed, these families are on their own. I adopted three older kids and luckily, my two younger ones are fine, but my son is one fucked up kid. I hide my butcher knives and scissors in my bedroom because I don’t trust him. I am seeing a lot of sociopathic behaviors in him as he gets older. Maybe after this movie comes out, the concerns of those of us who have adopted troubled kids will be taken more seriously. I actually had a counselor at the facility my son is at, tell me to examine my parenting as a cause of my son’s behavior. After all this time of going through the system’s red tape trying to get help for him and telling anyone who will listen that something is wrong with him (much like the line from the movie; ‘There’s something wrong with Ester’), this man who never met me wants me to carry some of the blame. Needless to say, I hung up on him, (which I’m sure they’ll write up as me being a ‘hostile parent who has anger issues’) but there’s many more who think like him. If there’s one thing that comes out of this movie, I hope it’s that we (those of us who adopt older troubled kids) adopt these kids with all good intentions and then we get very little support and back up from teachers/therapists/cops/judges, etc.

That girl reminded me a lot of my son Very charming and polite in the beginning, able to keep that facade up when needed. Then something happens that she doesn’t like and rage kicks in. That rage in the toilet stall scene is what we live with when he doesn’t get his way.

Is all older child adoption like this?…of course not. I have two kids that prove it doesn’t. My daughters were adopted at the ages of 5 and 8 and are nothing like this movie.

My other thought is….it’s a horror movie made for entertainment and should be treated as such. If I got all bent out of shape every time someone portrayed “me” in a movie, I would be boycotting Goodfellas and The Soprano’s for how they show Italian-Americans.

I want to also add that the people boycotting have every right to do that and I back them 100%. I’m all for people speaking out when there is something they don’t agree with. Unlike channels like CNN and MSNBC who belittled people like myself who attended the recent tax day tea parties, I believe in the right to protest….even if I do not agree with their message.

My last thought is that this movie is nothing compared to the type of movie I would make about older child adoption. I plan on writing a book about my experience and if this movie is causing controversy and it’s not even real, they can’t handle my truth.

Update: Here is a sample letter to send to Warner Bros.

May {XX}, 2009

Barry M. Meyer
Warner Bros. Movies
4000 Warner Blvd.
Burbank, CA 91522

Dear Mr. Meyer and Producers of the movie Orphan:

“It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own.”

Writing as a parent of an adopted child, I strongly urge you to remove this line from your film, “Orphan” and, especially, from all of your trailers. This line implies that an adopted child is not the parents’ child and, for anyone in an adoptive family, is very hurtful. Additionally, anyone seeing the film- or the trailer containing this line of dialogue- could promulgate such a hurtful expression and spread it like a virus, creating emotional distress for adoptive families everywhere.

In this day and age, when movie trailers are “sanitized” so that they can be shown before any movie, regardless of the MPAA rating, your trailer is likely to be seen and heard by young children and their families. For adoptive families, and especially for young children who joined their families through adoption, this line has the potential to cause serious trauma.

So, I will also ask you to look inside your heart and then look, again, at your film and see if there are other scenes that can create a negative stigma for adoptive families and please make changes to eliminate or, at the very least, reduce the damage. If you have any question about what might be considered hurtful, please contact Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute as I know they would be happy to help you.

I understand your film has already been completed and asking you to make wholesale changes at this point, just a couple of months before it is released, is probably unrealistic. That is why I am pleading with you to simply show some sensitivity and limit the damage your film will do to anyone who has an adopted child in their family and at least make these changes to the trailer.

I believe you would prefer not having adoptive families around the world virally warning each other of the damaging depictions contained in your movie and encouraging all their friends and family members not to patronize “Orphan.” No filmmaker would like the headline “Movie Called Harmful to Adoptive Families” associated with their film- least of all Mr. DiCaprio who, until now, has maintained a very positive public image.

Please reply and let me know what you have decided to do with your “Orphan.”

Along with adoptive families around the world, I look forward to hearing of your decision. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
{Name}

email addresses:
Alan Horn, President and Chief Operating Officer
alan.horn@warnerbros.com
Barry Meyer, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
barry.meyer@warnerbros.com
Susan Fleishman, Executive Vice President, Worldwide Corporate Communications and Public Affairs
susan.fleishman@warnerbros.com
Jeff Robonov, President, Warner Bros. Pictures Group
jeff.robonov@warnerbros.com
Dan Fellman, President, Domestic Distribution, Warner Bros. Pictures
dan.fellman@warnerbros.com

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(note: you can purchase all the books mentioned in this article, through our secured amazon store, by clicking the links)

by Cynthia Teeters

You may think that the first thing to do to start an international adoption is to get a list of agencies and begin contacting them for information. Actually, you start by realizing that thousands of parents have passed successfully through this process before you and that by tapping into their vast storehouse of knowledge you, too, can be just as successful. To the question, “How do I start?”, the answer is, “Read, then read, and then read some more.” Then find and join some adoptive parent support groups.

My favorite beginner’s adoption book, being one the best overall discussions of the options available to adopting parents, is The Adoption Resource Book by Lois Gilman. Another good book is The Essential Adoption Handbook by Colleen Alexander-Roberts. If you can, get both.

Also be prepared to read some adoption parenting books so that you become aware of adoption issues. Look for Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina, Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss by Claudia Jewett, Real Parents, Real Children by Holly Van Gulden and Lisa Bartels-Rabb and Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search For Self by David Brodzinsky, et al. They will all greatly broaden your perspectives about adoption. If you have struggled with infertility, read Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Johnston and if you are considering an older child, Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky is a necessity.

The International Concerns For Children (ICC, 911 Cypress Dr., Boulder, CO 80303-2821, 303-494-8333) annually publishes the Report on Intercountry Adoption for $25 US including monthly updates. It provides invaluable information about adopting internationally and will act as your primary source for agency information. The report begins with a number of articles written by some of the best-known experts in the field of adoption. The articles offer information about such issues as other resources, parent preparation, travel tips, medical concerns for international adoptees, and cultural and racial issues.

Agency listings comprise the second half of the report having each country placing children for intercountry adoption listed along with the agencies that have programs in that country. The agency descriptions can include a number of items such as estimated waiting time, age ranges and description of children available and program requirements for prospective parents.

Very likely the Report on Intercountry Adoption will become your adoption bible. Do not forget to refer back to the informative articles as you go through the process as you will gain new insight each time you do.

Once you have collected a small library and have taken some time looking over your materials, the next step is to find and join adoptive parent support groups. If you have already started your reading and have become somewhat versed in the adoption process you will be able to make the best use of the information and educational resources these groups can provide. At this point, you should already belong to AFA and may use them in helping to find local support groups you might wish to join. Attending the meetings of your local support group will offer you an opportunity to socialize with other adoptive families as well as gain from the collective wisdom of the group.

If you have chosen a country or region from which you wish to adopt, you may also wish to seek out and join support groups that are specific to these countries. For example, there are excellent support groups for families adopting from Latin America, China, Romania, and Russia. Do not, though, automatically take a preference for a country-specific support group over those that have a broader range of membership. Both groups may offer benefits to you while you are a prospective adoptive parent seeking emotional assurance and information on the process. Later, after you have become an adoptive parent and are seeking emotional assurance and information about raising children, they will again serve as invaluable resources.

After having done your homework; joining and participating in one or more support groups; and giving some thought about what type of child would best fit into your family; then it is time to begin contacting agencies that appear to meet the selection criteria you have defined. At this point seek out informational resources that will educate you into becoming a knowledgeable consumer. Create a list of questions that cover the information you need in making an informed decision and be aware that you must attempt to control your emotions and the desire to have the process move quickly. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

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The Traumatized Adoptee

From their site:

Parents who adopt children from agencies like social services often find themselves wondering what they have gotten themselves into and don’t know where to turn for help. It can feel like navigating a field of barbed wire.

This site aims to provide a virtual support group for this community–foster parents, adoptive parents, older kids who have been fostered or adopted, and professionals who help us take care of our kids.

Clear calm waters are our hope. Raising healthy, well adjusted children is our goal. We know it is worth it.

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We have a diverse group of parents (and those in the pre-parent stage) at our wonderful adoption forum. Some are in open adoptions and others, like myself are in closed adoptions. Still others are in alternative arrangements that work best for them and their children. As parents of this generations adoptees, we all know what works for one family may not work for another family.

What are your thoughts on open adoption?
What has been your experience with it?
Do you have a full or semi open adoption?

Here’s what six of our members said on the topic. If you’re a parent of an adoptee, feel free to add your thoughts in a comment.

My experience is a very open adoption with my daughter, and it’s a very happy one! The birthmom is a family friend, and we love her, trust her, and respect her. And she feels the same about us (at least she says so!). We talk with her a few times a month and see her frequently. The best part is that she and I have a relationship that started with my daughter but is now about the two of us, too. The situation with my son is also open. However, his birthmother keeps more of a distance. I make sure she knows the door is open to her when she wants contact — we invite her to birthday parties and I email her once in awhile. Who knows how this will turn out for my daughter and son? My hope is that if they know all the adults involved so intimately in their lives love them wholeheartedly, they’ll grow up fine.
I’ll be interested to see what others say.

With our youngest, our adoption was meant to be semi open, but his birthmother didn’t register with the exchange, so we haven’t seen her or heard from her since the day she placed him in our arms, and left the house without our knowing, I wish that would have been different. With our oldest we have a fully open adoption. It has been a crazy ride to say the least! Now that he is older, he has not wanted much contact, and truly it has been good for him to see the reality of their lives, he knows, without question, this is where he belongs.

We have a semi-open adoption, which has worked well for us. We met the birthmother once while she was pregnant. I wrote our son a letter after meeting her, which is now in our safe deposit box, so I can give it to him whenever he starts asking questions about her. The letter talks about my impressions of her (all good) and contains details that I am sure will fade with the passage of time. We sent her pictures and letters every other month for the first year and then twice a year (at Birthmother’s Day and Christmas) after that. I thought that writing the letters would be hard, but they turned out to be fun. Who other than her would care about some of those baby details and not think that I am just “bragging”? Having the adoption semi-open was the best of both worlds for us. On the one hand, we have met her, so that removes the “mystery” of who she is and why she decided to place our son for adoption. On the other hand, she is not involved in our day-to-day lives, which removes any fears of trying to co-parent or feeling like there is any sort of “competition.” I am my kid’s mom.

We have a semi-open adoption. The birthfather is deceased, but we visit with his mom and siblings several times a year, and exchange photos, emails and letters with them as well. Grandma takes them for a week during the summer, and sometimes one of their aunts does as well. They are great, awesome people and we enjoy having them in our lives. Birthmom we have limited contact – I send letters, photos and at least once a year, a video of the kids to her through social services. She’s off her rocker most of the time, so I have no desire to open up contact any further. We have received letters back in the past – again, through social services – but none recently. Overall, having this type of arrangement has been very beneficial to my kids and I hope to have a similar setup with our next adoption. My kids are 16 & almost 18, and they were adopted at ages 10 & 12.

We don’t have contact (not even a picture) of my son’s birthmom, but we’re hoping to change that. She told her social worker (at the time of his placement) that she didn’t want any contact yet, but that someday she’d probably be open to it. So, I am writing a letter to her and plan on mailing it to the agency this week. Keep your fingers crossed…we’d really like to have contact with her. We have a very open relationship with our other son’s birthfamily. Birthdad is in Chicago, but birthmom and her family live in the next town over. I was there for his delivery and we see them about once a month (but email them more often). I think it’s going to be interesting to see how the the boys handle their very different adoption situations when they’re older. I sometimes wonder if Andy will be jealous that Ben knows his roots and has contact with his birthfamily. Hopefully they can help each other with those issues when they’re older.

Of the five infants we’ve adopted; three have been closed with the exchange of information (some more than others); and two have been limited semi-open with the exchange of updates and photos several times the first year, and annually for the next few years. I know that many agencies have their own set standard as to what should be in any adoption, but I feel they make mistakes in assuming everyone involved should be fully open. I respect that some individuals have great open adoptions; but I’ve also read, heard and spoken with those who’ve had open adoptions, and sorely wished this had not been the case. In considering whether we’d agree to any situation that required 18yrs of letters/photos through the agency, I consulted with our already grown children who were adopted as infants. (Note: For one, the info about extended family and such was greatly detailed. Still, to this day, this person has had no desire to search, despite the fact all that would be required is basically the touch of the computer key.)

I asked both of our already grown kids how they felt about open adoptions and semi-open requiring the exchange or sending of letters/photos to a birthmother for 18yrs. Both of them disliked the notion completely. Their comments included thanking us for NOT participating in such an agreement, because, they said….”It violates (would have violated) our privacy!!!!” Up to that point, I’d never considered that. It never dawned on me that grown kids would concern themselves with ‘where/who/why/when photos of themselves would be shared, copied, posted, etc.’ And yet, those are the words they used. Because of their comments, we continue to stand by our views to NOT enter into any such promise with anyone.

I realize from the get-go that limits us in how quickly we might be chosen by a biological mom; but, standing in this belief is right for us. I continue to believe most of the agreements made by biological parents are done because agencies encourage them to do so. By doing this, agencies can almost guarantee their doors will stay open in order to facilitate the exchanges. Further, I find it sad agencies/attorneys make this a requirement in order to enlist with their agency. Some agencies go so far as to turn couples down who won’t sign something guaranteeing this agreement.

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As a young adoptee, my ten year old daughter (adopted at the age of five) has been faced with the task of explaining adoption from time to time, to her friends. This is a topic she and I have spoken about several times and will continue to discuss as she grows up. I feel very strongly that we, as parents of adopted children, should empower them to be able to answer questions about adoption and educate the people they come in contact with.

This past weekend, she had two sleepovers. She had one friend spend the night on Friday and then a different friend spend the night on Saturday. My older daughter (age 13) also had sleepovers those same nights so we had a full and fun house this weekend!

After her friend left today (Sunday), she and I hung out and rehashed the weekend. One of the things she told me was about an incident that came up Saturday afternoon. It seems she and her friend were playing with her Barbie dolls and they were pretending that their dolls had each adopted a child.

My daughter and her friend each had a mother and a child doll that they were playing with and speaking for. While the “mothers” were having coffee, the “children” were playing. One of the “children” (the doll that belonged to my daughters friend-who is not adopted) told the other “child” (the doll that my daughter was using) that she doesn’t remember her “real” mother.

My daughter told me that she told her friend that she meant her “biological” mother and that her mother that was having coffee was her real mother. She told me that her friend must not have understood because when it came up again, she said the same thing. Again, my daughter corrected her. (Yes, she’s persistent- like her mom!) When it came up again for a third time, she told me she stopped the game so she could explain it to her.

She told her friend that I (meaning me) was her real mother and that she was my real daughter. That when someone adopts a child that child becomes their real child and the parent becomes their real parent.

It must be hard for a child to hear something like that.  My daughter and I are very close and for someone to think (especially a friend of hers) that somebody else is her “real’ mother instead of me, just because she was adopted, must hurt her feelings.

I’m so proud of her for speaking up. I also happy that she told me because I had a chance to discuss it with her and tell her how much I loved her. My real daughter.

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