Tuesday’s earthquake has thrown U.S. families trying to bring home their children into a state of uncertainty. Many are finding themselves in a desperate search for answers about how their children, that they are in the process of adopting, are faring. Some fear that paperwork, which can take months or years, may be buried or lost in crumpled buildings, stalling or halting the adoption.

Unlike adoptions in many other countries, where parents learn the identities of their children rather late in the process, Haitian adoptions typically match parents up with children near the beginning. That gives parents the opportunity to travel to Haiti multiple times during the adoption process to spend time with their children and bond with them.

The waiting game had been hard enough before Tuesday’s earthquake, with parents worrying daily about malnourished sons and daughters they had already come to know quite well. But since the earthquake, many have no way of knowing whether their children are alive or dead.

For parents who have gotten word that their children are still alive, the worries are far from over. They’re terrified that food and water supplies will run out for their already compromised kids, and they’re filled with dread that the lengthy and cumbersome adoption process in Haiti is about to become much longer.

The U.S. State Department said that it is working with the Department of Homeland Security to determine how to handle the cases of the 254 Haitian children who are in the process of being adopted into U.S. homes. Adopting parents can send their information, including the names of their children and orphanages, to AskCI@state.gov, so the State Department has a good way to contact parents. Click for more information on the adoption process in Haiti.

For people interested in adopting a Haitian child, the State Department issued the following statement on the issue:

The State Department has received calls from Americans offering to open their homes and adopt Haitian children in need.

It is extremely difficult in circumstances such as this to determine whether children who appear to be orphans are eligible for adoption. Children may be temporarily separated from parents and other family. It is particularly difficult to fulfill the U.S. and local requirements for legal adoption when civil authority is handicapped in its ability ensure the best interests of children and their families have been protected. For now, U.S. citizens can best help the children of Haiti through financial contribution to the relief effort.

Adoptions from Haiti make up a fraction of international adoptions to the United States each year, but the number has been growing steadily as countries such as China and Guatemala have slowed or closed to international adoption in recent years. The U.S. State Department issued 330 immigrant visas to Haitian children last year, up from 96 in 1999.

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The following post was submitted as a comment by one of our readers. Sharon.

The summer before Becca turned six, we moved to a new neighborhood, so that she could have a yard, a playroom, and (eventually) a puppy. A “plus” was that the neighborhood was majority Asian, with the largest proportion of the Asians being Chinese. While Becca had a few close friends and many acquaintances who were adopted from China, like her, she previously had relatively little contact with Chinese children who were living with their biological families.

We quickly discovered that most of the Chinese families knew little about adoption, although the Washington, DC metro area has a very large number of families formed by adoption and, particularly, international adoption. We had to do quite a lot of educating to do!

Some of the families, who harbored negative feelings about the current government in China, did not realize that the U.S. and China had worked wonderfully well together, since about 1992, on adoption matters, and that China had managed to develop one of the best organized and cleanest adoption programs in the world.

Some of these families thought that Becca was from Taiwan, since it was assumed that the U.S. government was friendly to that country and hostile to China. Some of the assumptions about Taiwan, of course, were also made because Becca’s birth city of Xiamen is right across the straits from Taiwan, and many Taiwanese look like, and have relatives from, Xiamen and the surrounding areas of Fujian province. Becca definitely could have been mistaken for Taiwanese, based on appearance alone.

And, of course, some of the families thought that I had smuggled Becca out of China and into the U.S. illegally. Human trafficking is not unknown in China, and many Chinese people can probably tell you about trafficking in young females for slavery or prostitution, as well as about illegal immigration of Chinese adults and children into the U.S. for more positive reasons. Our neighbors were really quite startled when I explained that both China and the U.S. agreed to my adoption, and that it was in full compliance with both Chinese and U.S. laws.

Some of the Chinese families were a bit surprised that a Caucasian person would consider adopting a child of another race and ethnicity. In China, as in many countries, the “blood tie” is considered very important, and some people simply can’t imagine parenting a child who is not biologically related to them.

I also got asked if I was going to tell Becca that she was adopted, which was funny, given that we are of different races, and given that I told her a mini-version of her adoption story on the first night I met her and every night thereafter for the first few years of her life. It was part of our bedtime ritual, and ended with how I “flew all day and all night” to come get her, because “she needed a Mommy and I needed a little girl.”

And, of course, in our new neighborhood, Chinese people didn’t ask, “DOES your child go to Chinese school?” They asked, “WHERE does your child go to Chinese school?” In many Chinese families, preservation of one’s ancestral language and culture is extremely important. The children of even some very assimilated families go to one of several good Chinese schools in the area on either Saturday or Sunday. In a sense, if you are a child, you won’t be considered Chinese if you don’t go to Chinese school.

At that time, I wasn’t sending Becca to Chinese school, because she was already in an immersion Hebrew class; modern Israeli Hebrew, along with Biblical and liturgical Hebrew, was taught for almost 50% of each school day. I felt that her private school was extremely challenging, and that she was already spending more hours on academics than most children. As a result, since she also did not have a strong desire to go to Chinese school until she was in about fifth grade, we chose not to spend our weekends there.

Of course, there was also the woman who offered to help me find a nice Chinese husband, so that my daughter would have a Chinese Daddy! The assumption was that every Chinese child should also have at least one Chinese parent, so that he/she is properly raised.

While I am a single woman (long divorced), and have no objection to remarrying if the right person comes along, I am in no hurry to find someone, of any ancestry. My life was (and still is) very full and happy, with my daughter, my career, and so on. I was also in my 50s when I adopted, and pretty set in my ways, so I figured that it would take a pretty special person to make me willing to negotiate the compromises necessary for a good marriage. I also happen to be Jewish, and would want a marriage partner to share my commitment to having a Jewish home; there just aren’t a lot of Chinese Jews around, though, of course, my daughter is one, by conversion.

Becca quickly became used to the fact that I talked about adoption openly and often, both professionally and personally. I was the head of a well known adoption advocacy organization at the time. She heard me use positive adoption language, and also heard me deal with questions about things like China’s one-child policy and the abandonment of children as a way of making an adoption plan; we often talked about what she heard, after she came to a meeting or Chinese playgroup with me.

So it didn’t really surprise me, one day, when we were taking a walk and a Chinese girl of about Becca’s age yelled across the street to her, “YOU LOOK CHINESE!” Becca calmly yelled back, “WELL, I AM CHINESE!” The child yelled again, “BUT YOUR MOM’S NOT CHINESE!”

At this point, I decided to cross the street with Becca, so that we could continue the conversation with the girl in more normal tones of voice. We explained that I had adopted Becca. The American-born daughter of Chinese parents was horrified, and asked Becca, “But don’t you want to go back to China and live with your Chinese Mommy?” Obviously, she had a Chinese Mommy whom she adored, and thought that EVERYONE should have a Chinese Mommy.

At that point, Becca grabbed me and hugged me, proclaiming, “THIS is my Mommy.” I was so thrilled that she had made this response, that I nearly cried. Becca was a very social child, to the point where I sometimes worried about attachment issued. But there was clearly no need to worry. She knew who her Mommy was, and was very glad to have me, no matter what color I was.

Becca was young then – maybe about six or seven. As someone pointed out in an earlier post, adopted children change their perceptions about adoption, often multiple times, as they grow up.

At seven, Becca would have told you that I was her “real” Mommy. She knew about babies in tummies, used the word “birthmother”, and so on, but she wasn’t able to develop an emotional construct that included feelings about her birthparents. Her birthmother was just a Chinese woman who physically brought her into the world. What mattered was the woman (me) who raised her, read with her, sent her to school, bought her nice clothes, arranged her playdates, gave interesting birthday parties, and more.

A few years later, however, Becca began to see the situation differently. As she said to me, “My birthmother also took care of me for about 9 months after I was born. You didn’t have me in your tummy, but you adopted me and have taken care of me since you met me. So you are a real mother, too.”

Initially, I was a bit shocked and saddened by what Becca said. I felt, somehow, diminished, by being one of two mothers. Yet when I thought about it, I realized that Becca was absolutely right. Her birthmother AND birthfather cannot and should not be treated as unimportant. They conceived a child, whether or not they planned to do so. They gave the child the genetic profile that affects not just his/her appearance, but also his/her personality, health status, and so on – all the things that make him/her unique and special to me.

In Becca’s case, it appears that her birthparents also gave her a lot of love for about 9 months after her birth – she is a very loving and empathic child – and that they probably would not have abandoned her if some very serious situation had not made them unable to continue parenting. I don’t know what that situation was, but my gut feeling is that they grieve and feel guilty, to this day.

Of course, as Becca learned more about human sexuality and headed into the teen years, the pendulum swung back, just a bit. She asked me, “Why didn’t my birthparents just use birth control, if they knew about the one child policy and that they might have to pay huge penalties for having a baby?” Even though she was glad to be alive and in an adoptive family, she admitted that she felt very angry at her birthparents for bringing a child into the world, only to abandon her. She said that every child has the right to be born into a family that wants him/her.

Teens are often very dogmatic people. It’s easy for Becca to say, “Use birth control or have an abortion.” It’s not so easy for her to understand that, in China, some people want a baby so badly that they will try to hide the pregnancy and the newborn from official eyes, and abandon the baby only when it becomes impossible to do otherwise. It’s not so easy for her to understand that condoms can fail – she’s not yet sexually active, thank goodness. It’s not so easy for her to understand that some people oppose abortion because they feel that a fetus is a person from the moment of conception.

It’s not so easy for her to understand, as well, that “stuff happens”. A parent loses a job and can’t support his/her family. A parent has a serious accident that leaves him/her paralyzed and unable to pursue his/her previous occupation or care for a child. An activist parent is incarcerated for his/her political views. A spouse walks out of a marriage, leaving the other parent to raise the children AND pay the bills. A child becomes ill or is born with a medical issue, and the parents cannot afford or obtain the care he/she needs.

But I respect Becca for realizing that the decision to have sex, as well as the decision to have a baby, should not be made lightly or in the heat of passion. I also respect her for realizing that these decisions should be made with a focus on the child that could be created. She is right. Every child SHOULD be born into a family that wants him/her and can care for him/her. The problem is that we are human; we sometimes make bad decisions or mistakes. And adoption is a way of rectifying one type of situation, so that a child – even if not born into a family that wants and can take care of him/her – can be raised in a loving family.

Sharon

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The weekend before Christmas has become the time when we host our annual get together with my children’s former foster parents.  I’ve posted about them before but for those of you that are new to our blog or adoption forum, let me backtrack a bit.

When we adopted our children, they were 5, 8 and 11 and had been in the foster system for 4 years, the last three being spent with foster parents Pat & Bill.  Over the several months spent getting to know our kids, before we finalized the adoption, we also got to know Pat & Bill quite well. They were a source of information and insight into these three children, each of which had their own story to tell. Early on I felt it was important to keep ties with them, if for no other reason but to stop the cycle of caregivers coming in and out of my children’s lives. I’ve written about this in more detail so I won’t get to far off track here but out of that came our annual Christmas get together. What makes it even more special is that a boy, Lance who lived with Pat & Bill during the same time, got adopted by a couple that lives in our city and they come also. They have since adopted Lance’s biological brother and Pat & Bill always bring their current foster children so this year we had six adults and eight kids. It would have been nine but my son won’t be home until later this month. More about that in another post.

If you are a foster parent, please know that you are making a difference in that child’s life. Nurturing and love can go a long way for a child that is hurting and by providing that, you are helping to heal their heart. You have my admiration and my thanks.

Okay – on to the festivities!

I take a picture of each of my kids with Pat & Bill every year and it’s really something to see the change from year to year! Here’s Jacqueline (11) and Shawna (14).

That’s me poking my head out around Chris. He’s the dad that adopted Lance and Michael.

That’s my husband Billy talking with Chris.

I hope you had a wonderfully joyful holiday!

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A few months ago, we had a conversation on the adoption forums about what we felt were the most common myths about adoption, specifically about those of us who adopt a child.

One of the myths that was posted several times was about adoption being a “last resort” or something we HAVE TO do:

“All adoptive parents “have to” adopt because they can’t “have their own” children. Reality: lots of families CHOOSE to adopt for lots of different reasons, including medical, religious, etc. that do NOT include infertility. The corollary to this myth is that adoption is a family’s second choice”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options “

“You only chose to adopt after spending tons of money trying to have a child “Naturally”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options ”

“They are infertile and adopt because they can’t have their “own” children (often not the case”

Another myth that came up was that somehow you can’t love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

“That no adoptive parent can really love an adopted child as much as they love ‘their own’”

“You could never really love a kid that isn’t “yours”.”

“You can’t love a child unless they are genetically related to you”

A few members brought up that people think you had to be rich to adopt.

“It is a myth that you need lots of money or have to own a home, have a huge savings accounts, be of a certain age, etc”.

“You have to be rich to adopt”

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This was submitted by one of our adoption forum members.

My husband and I adopted six children through foster care and have three biological ones. Depending where you live you might have to become a foster parent if you are looking to adopt via the foster care system. In our state, there are subsidized and un-subsidized adoptions, depending on the need. Many times a child who is physically or mentally challenged needs a family and a medical subsidy will keep them on their health insurance when they require various therapy treatments.

All nine of our children have grown into great men and woman. Sure we had our ups and downs, but every family does. The biggest hurdle in my experience was making sure that each child got over the fear of abandonment.

One of my daughters, as she was becoming a young mother herself, was angry at her biological mother and she said, “Mom, how could she have left me like that and not loved me enough”. I said it’s not that she wasn’t loved enough, it can come down to survival, money and the ability to overcome addiction, among other reasons. Several years later that same daughter at her dads (my husband) funeral stood up and spoke. She ended with “He was my dad and he didn’t have to be. He picked me to be his daughter”.

Adoption is one of the greatest gifts given to us, we are so lucky to have been able to expand our family into a very large and happy one through the love of adoption.

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Popular author-illustrator Parr illustrates the rewards of family ties in this heartfelt, supportive book geared toward adopted children and their parents. In each double-page spread, Parr completes the phrase “We belong together because . . .” with poignant explanations that touch upon basic, tangible needs (“You needed a home . . . and I had one to share”) as well as emotional ones: “You needed someone to say ‘I love you’ . . . and we had love to give. Now we all have someone to kiss goodnight.” As in Parr’s The Family Book (2003), cheerful, friendly artwork, with thickly outlined forms and characters and a bold rainbow palette, inclusively depicts an array of children and families—including one with a single parent and one with two dads—and emphasizes the rewards of adoption for adults and children alike. Apart from the subtitle, the text never uses the word adoption nor refers to the adoption process, keeping the focus squarely on the universal joys of sharing hearth and heart. (more…)

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The following was submitted by Beth, one of our blog readers. Leave a comment here if you’d like to share your adoption story also.

We have three children. Our oldest daughter and son were adopted at birth. Our youngest son was adopted right before his tenth birthday. This is a story of both joy and sorrow, excitement and patience, and most importantly, unconditional love.

My husband and I were married in 1965. Like most young couples at that time, we wanted children. We started trying right away. After two years, and no baby, we sought out medical advice. Unlike the medical treatments and techniques available today, in vitro fertilization, hormone therapies, etc., were not available at that time – at least not to us. We both worked, but didn’t have a lot of expendable cash, and we turned to the only thing we knew – adoption.

Even back then, the adoption process was not a quick one. We applied for adoption through the State of Wisconsin, and were subjected to background checks, home visits, and social worker interviews before we would even be considered. But fortunately, we were put on “the list” and began the waiting game. In the fall of 1969, we were told that a baby boy was available for adoption. We were ecstatic! We could hardly wait to see our son and bring him home. But finally, after more waiting, and interviews and home visits galore, we were able to pick up our baby boy. And he was beautiful – perfect, just like we imagined he would be. It’s hard to put into words how much you can love someone so little, how much that little person can make a couple into a family. But he did. There’s nothing that can explain the love and pride you have in your own child – it didn’t matter that we didn’t conceive him, it mattered that he was put in our hands to love and guide for the rest of our lives. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

In the summer of 1971, we were able to experience this joy for the second time. This time, we adopted a baby girl – and now we felt our family was complete. You think you can’t love anyone more than your first child, and then the second comes along and you realize your heart just gets bigger and you can love another child just as much as the first. It took about a year for each of our children to become “officially” ours, meaning, when the court turned over full custody to us.

After some time, we decided to adopt again. However, it had become more difficult at this point. My husband was over 35. Apparently this was some magic number suggesting that he was too old to care for an infant. So once again, we began the adoption process, this time hoping to adopt a toddler or young child. Once again, we were subjected to home visits, only now, the social workers also interviewed our children. I guess they were trying to asses if this would be a good home for a child. It took longer this time. Another thing that was different, is that we had some choice – we were able to read case files on children to see if they would be a good fit for our family. We could “accept” or “reject” them. We finally found a boy that seemed like he would be a good fit for our family – he was nine years old at the time, older than we had hoped.

Unlike with an infant, he had to do home visits with us and he also got to decide if we were a good family for him. I think this took a couple of months. It was different than adopting a baby – when our older son and daughter were placed in our arms, they were ours, totally and completely. This boy knew his other mother and grandparents. At the same time, once we got to know him, we started to fall in love with him, just as we had done with our older children. The process was different, but the end result was the same – after about a year, he became our son legally, and we couldn’t have loved him any more.

Thank you for letting me share.
Beth

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As the parent of three children that we adopted through foster care, please watch A Home For The Holidays with your family this holiday season.

A Home For The Holidays shares, through the eyes of a child, the joy of having a family – not just for the holidays, but every day and forever. Each December, Wendy’s International, Inc., the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and Children’s Action Network present A Home for the Holidays, a CBS network television special bringing together all-star talent to raise awareness for foster care adoption.

In its 11th year, the special will feature Faith Hill and include performances by Carrie Underwood, Mary J. Blige, Reba McEntire, Michael Franti and Shakira.
Nia Vardolos and Jenna Elfman are among the celebrities who will present inspirational stories of extraordinary families who share the joys found through foster care adoption.

Since 1999, this heartwarming holiday special has generated tens of thousands of calls to the Foundation from viewers moved to action after hearing true stories of waiting children and families who adopted from foster care.

A Home for the Holidays
Celebrating families who adopt and the children in foster care who still wait.
December 23, 2009
8:00 – 9:00 p.m. EST/PST
7:00 – 8:00 p.m. MST/CST

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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I know many couples come to adoption after being involved in fertility treatments. What about those, like myself, who decided to adopt before exploring other options? Tell us about your experience in the comment section. Here’s what some of our adoption forums members had to say;

“Years ago I was in a serious relationship with someone who, for political reasons, felt very strongly that he would never want to bring a child into this world when there were already so many children who needed families. I really thought I might marry this man, but I had always thought I would have children the “old-fashioned” way. In the end, our relationship didn’t survive (not because of this issue), but not before I had reached the conclusion that I could happily adopt a child someday.

My husband and I did not do anything to prevent pregnancy, but when it didn’t happen on its own, we moved directly to adoption, without pursuing any types of infertility treatment. We knew right away that our goal was to become parents – not pregnant – and adoption was an easy decision with that in mind.”

“I am a single parent. But even as a child, I was drawn to the idea of adoption. As soon as I began thinking of having a family, I always thought of adoption. I might have earlier thought of blending birth children and adopted children when I still thought I might marry.”

“I’ve always thought of adopting, but when I got married it wasn’t the first idea that came to mind in terms of forming our family. Then I gave birth to two kids, and that was wonderful. However, I’ve always thought three was the perfect number of children (maybe because there are three siblings in my family), and my husband and I had always agreed that it would be hard to justify bringing more than two kids into the world when it is already overpopulated, and considering that there are plenty of kids already out there without families. So when we decided not to have any more children by birth, we told ourselves that it didn’t mean “no more children at all.” And then, eventually, we decided to talk seriously about adoption, and one thing led to another…and here we are, expectant adopting parents of a four year old girl!

Another factor is knowing quite a few people in my immediate circle who have adopted–and adopted in a variety of configurations and ways (lesbian couple doing domestic adoption, single parent adopting internationally, hetero couple adopting internationally, “biracial” family doing transracial domestic adoption…) So we have had lots of vicarious experience to reinforce our initial inclination toward adoption.

I was also privileged to share closely in another person’s international adoption experience when I accompanied them overseas as a “support person” for the adoption. It was amazing to witness and be part of that process, even from the sidelines. I felt very strongly as I watched: “wow, giving birth was amazing, and this is also amazing, and I wish I could do this, too.” I feel extremely lucky because it seems I am going to have my wish.”

“As a child, my “fantasy” was not being a wife and mother, but being a mother with marriage as an afterthought. As I became a teenager I was made aware of different types of “orphans”…and began to solidify that I wanted to adopt when older no matter if I was single or married.

I was in a couple of relationships in my 20s and these guys didn’t want to adopt so I figured I would marry and have children like most people do. When these relationships didn’t end up in marriage I focused on eliminating my student loan debt and buying a home. When I completed that, I came to the realization that there is no perfect time to have children and that I could provide for a child, so adoption was an easy decision after that.

Now I’m just in the middle and although waiting is tough, I haven’t regretted my decision to date.”

“I always wanted to be a Father. From about the age of 12 I remembered telling people I was going to adopt and they laughed at me saying I will “want my own” child(ren) when I am old enough to know. Years have passed and I still want to adopt. My wife was on board for it as well. We know that fertility would be an issue for us and would require medical intervention if it was at all possible but we haven’t even bothered to try because we both agree that adoption is the only option for our family. People ask if we feel like we are missing out and we can genuinely say we don’t. The only time we think of having biological children is when we are sick of the wait but we know just because someone gets pregnant unfortunately does not equal a baby after the 9 months of waiting. I had a friend whose wife carried a baby full term when she delivered the baby was stillborn we were all devastated.
With that said we know adoption is our first and only real option.”

“When my second husband and I did not get pregnant (likely due to my age, he’s 10 yrs younger), we did not hesitate to call an adoption agency and get the ball rolling. There was no need for infertility clinics (and my doctor still felt at my age that it was a consideration). Adoption was never a “second choice” for our family. As an interracial couple, we knew there would be doors open for us and there certainly were as we went on to adopt 4 children. Although I had parented previously, my husband had not. But he says that with all of his heart, there is no way he ever looks back and wishes we could have had a biological child. Our 4 children are ours in every way possible and we are so very blessed!”

Continue on to Adoption As A First Option (pt.2)

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