Alright, I admit I probably watched too many Kodak commercials while growing up and even into adulthood. This could be the reason that each time I watch either of my now-adult kids, I envision how they were as infants, toddlers and fast-forward myself into their current ‘look’. I wonder now, did my own mom do anything like that?

So when I watch my oldest sing, not only do I love to hear her voice, but also remember the moments she and I sang together at various times. Even when visiting us while on leave from the Air Force, I’d ask her to sing certain selections with and without me. And so, when she left the military after nine years (two times in Iraq and a passport stock full of travels to far away places) she came back home to continue in college studies and work at her old high school haunt: McDonald’s.

You have to know that McDonald’s is more than hamburgers and anyone who’s stayed at a Ronald McDonald House while dealing with a sick child could tell you this. Ronald McDonald Houses have also been known to open their facilities to adoptive parents and their new babies/children while they awaited ICPC clearance. Among the other avenues McDonald’s contributes to, they also hold a sort of annual talent search exclusive to their employees in their restaurants world-wide. The Voice of McDonald’s contest strives to be a sort of ‘(Specific country)’s Got Talent’…holding competitions in Canada, Europe, Latin America and others besides the USA.

My daughter was hesitant to send in an audition for this talent search. Her dad and I, as well as co-workers had heard her raw talent and urged her to give it a try asking her, “What could it hurt?” So when she got the word she’d been selected as a regional semi-finalist, one of only 22 in the USA, she was shocked! Her region encompasses all of Chicago and the greater part of Illinois. (Scroll down to vote for Shannalee!!!)

All of our children were adopted and she was our first. While in the military we’d applied to the only adoption agency on Okinawa in hopes of adopting a Korean baby. The phone call came on Halloween, 1980. By November 04, we were flying to Seoul to see her, not understanding we would only have her for a couple of days before flying home and waiting for her adoption to finalize through the Korean Court system. When she entered the agency office riding on the back of her mamasan, we were in awe that our baby was finally a reality. Once paperwork was signed, we y begged the caseworker to allow us to stay with her overnight in our hotel room. It was a lovely night, despite having her vomit all over me (probably from being overfed) and putting her to sleep in an empty suitcase (no crib available).

We were assured she’d be coming back home with us in two months, but when the two month mark had passed and no word from the agency, we began to panic. The panic lasted for three more months, filled with phone calls to the agency, lots of unanswered questions and me almost failing a college class due to worry.

Finally, the day came. We flew to Korea via a military ‘hop’. She then flew home with us on a commercial flight to Okinawa and the years of her growing up flew by. She was an easy baby, easy child, easy teen and now, well into adult-hood, she reminds me of how old I’ve physically become, yet still captivated by her smile and warmth when I was younger and she was a baby.

I took the opportunity of writing this blog to ask her a few questions about being adopted and how it’s impacted her life:

I asked her if being adopted had ever been a hindrance to her in any way? “No.”
Was it ever?: “No.”
Do you wish, or have you ever wished you weren’t adopted? “No.”
Have you had any desire to search for biological roots? “No.”

And in this world of adoption boards and blogs where hopeful adoptive parents are often warned that their adopted children will surely have an angry attitude for not being allowed to intimately experience biological roots as a child; wish they’d been raised by those biological people and feel adoption has been nothing but a poor life experience all around, I write to you about an adult adoptee who feels comfortable about her adoption, her real family and her life. She could write volumes on the life she’s experienced from climbing an iceberg in Norway on her birthday to entering Iraq right after the beginning of the war. And yet, she’s who she is without excuse of ‘Oh, my life’s this way because I was adopted.’

Far from it.

Whether she becomes one of the top three vote-getters and wins this next phase of the Voice of McDonald’s contest to compete at the international level or never makes it past the regional winner, she’s comfortable with who she is and that she’s done her best. Even her online questionaire states “What she’d like people to know about her” as:

“ I will always take any opportunity that comes my way and strive to live my life to its fullest potential.”

Adoption hasn’t defined who she is nor does it stand in the sidelines reminding her of a life that ‘might have been’. Contrary to some adoption agencies/attorneys, many adoptees are happy, well-adjusted individuals who have their ups and downs just like any other person.

Voting in the Voice Of McDonald’s Contest is easy and free. Voting begins November 01 and continues through November 30. Please vote for Shannalee in the Voice of McDonald’s Contest
Click here To Vote!!
Please place your 5 star vote DAILY!!!! Thank you!

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If you are physically able to carry a child, or are planning to use a surrogate, then adopting embryos might be for you. Couples who have had in vitro fertilization, who have leftover embryos at a cryobank, now can donate them for other people to use. This option not only frees one of the estimated 500,000 embryos in cryo storage to potentially grow into a child, but allows other couples to experience pregnancy. It allows adopting couples to have some control over the prenatal health of their future child. A downside to embryo adoption is that there is no guarantee that a child will be born, or born without birth defects, similar as it would be for any pregnancy.

Many states have some legal statutes with regard to embryos and/or surrogacy. Check to see what applies in your area and where implantation would take place, if different. Find out whether or not embryos are considered material property. Typically, the woman who gives birth is considered the legal mother. Georgia is the first state to recognize adoption finalizations of embryos. Other states have not addressed the issue precisely. Expect the agency handling embryo adoptions to formally, legally document the exchange. Bottom line, you want as much peace of mind as possible.

Embryo adoption typically requires a home study or dossier the same as if you were adopting an already born child. There are several agencies in the US who provide embryo adoption services. Each one has its own guidelines and requirements regarding anonymity or future contact, marriage status and marriage length, surrogacy, religious preference, age limits, etc. You will be matched with a compatible donor couple who share your preferences and desired backgrounds. If you already know a couple who would be willing to release frozen embryos to you, you probably still need to seek legal/agency representation as applicable in your state(s), and quite possibly, have a home study done. Call adoption agencies and/or family law practitioners in your area to be directed to someone who can give you up-to-date, accurate facts.

As you look for an agency that you like, ask them about shipping procedures and participating medical practices as to the actual implantation procedure. Each one may have its own policies. Not all medical offices have cryo specimen storage at their facilities, or have doctors who perform these specialized procedures.

It may be possible that part of the expenses of doing embryo adoption may be covered by your health insurance. On the flip side, the Adoption Tax Credit may not apply by way of the definition of an eligible child. Ask your tax preparer, a certified public accountant, or financial adviser.

Religious questions may come to mind with regard to embryo adoption. If this applies to you, talk to your clergy before proceeding.

As with all forms of adoption, look to read as much as you can. Become informed on the procedures, which agencies do them, applicable laws, the ethics and debates surrounding them, and what your rights are. There may be new information all the time, so continue to update yourself. This blog topic is written only as a supportive guide: not to be used as a definitive source. Seek actual, applicable-to-you facts from the agencies that do embryo adoptions and apply your state’s laws.This is a new horizon as adoption as an institution enters the twenty first century. What an exciting time to experience!

Written by Keadie 

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You should steer clear of planning a surprise celebration on the day the family brings their child home. This can be a very emotional time – the new parents and child (especially if the child is older) will need a period of adjustment. It is very important to be sensitive to their needs. In this case, delivering care packages and planning your celebration for a later date would be acceptable and appreciated. Be sure to talk with the new parents and find out what their wants and needs are before you set a shower date.

Your shower invitations should be sent out three to four weeks in advance, and should include the time, date, and location of the shower. Don’t forget to set an RSVP date with your telephone number and address. If it is at all possible, include the child’s birth date, as well as when he or she was officially adopted or welcomed into the home of his or her new parents. This will help your guests to pick age appropriate gifts. In the case of foreign adoptions, you could also add information about the birth country to inform your guests.

As with other baby showers, the theme for an adoption baby shower should be the same. However, if the child that was adopted is older, you should tailor your party to suit their age and favorite things. For example, a small girl might love everything that involves the Disney princesses and may go absolutely crazy over the color pink. In turn, an older boy may be fascinated by soccer and anything green. Don’t be afraid to be a little creative to help make the party a special celebration to welcome the new child into your circle of family and friends!

Baby shower games are important too! However, stay away from games that are maternity-related. It’s very important that you keep in mind that you are celebrating the gift of adoption. Your games help set the tone of the party, and should be mixed in with any other activity going on. An average shower lasts about two hours, so look at playing two to three party games. If the new parents are adopting an older child, make sure your games reflect that as well. One great adoption party activity is to organize a Welcome Book for the new child. Ask guests to bring pictures of themselves and their families to assemble into a scrapbook page they will create at the shower.

All of your shower decorations will naturally depend on the style, theme, and number of people attending. Balloons and streamers are standard, but there are a lot of creative and fun ideas to make the party extra-special. You’re truly only limited by your imagination here.

If the adoption is an international one, you could use decorations that reflect the child’s place of birth, and include recipes from his or her home country. For guests, it will be a learning experience.
As with decorations, party favors should match your shower theme and party size. Your favors can be used as place settings, prizes, or they can be handed out at the end of the party. A very popular idea for adoption showers is a special program for guests to keep. Written inside should be commitments to the child from his or her new parents, poems about love, family, and adoption, and prayers for the future.
When labeling your favor, keep in mind that your party is, again, in honor of an adoption, not a birth. Your wording on gift tags should reflect that.

Adoption is a very exciting time for the new parents. A baby shower or welcome party allows friends and family members to share in on the family’s joy. When you host or even attend such a party, it is very important to know the needs and wants of the parents. Be sure to know ahead of time how old the child is. Find out if the parents have registered anywhere. Parents who are adopting should be reminded that they can actually register for older children as well as newborns.

By planning and hosting an adoption party, you are helping the new family formalize the acceptance of their child into their circle. You will be creating an occasion that will be documented for the child to look at in the future and remind them how much they were welcomed and loved from the start.

About the Author: Amanda Baker writes for All Things Pondered: http://www.allthingspondered.com – A place to learn, share and grow! Amanda also writes for To Be Informed : http://tobeinformed.com – Health, Fitness and Wellness.

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1) Don’t freak out if you go out for dinner and they eat spaghetti with their hands (even through they 12 years old and know how to use a fork), or they pick their nose (and eat it) when you’re introducing them to your life long friends or wear the same clothes for six days in a row. Take a deep breathe and stay calm. If they know they can shock you, they will. If they think you can’t handle the small issues (yes, those are small), they’ll have a hard time learning to trust you. Stay focused on the big picture. Pick and choose your “battles”.

2) Like the Beatles song goes “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Don’t make the mistake of buying them a lot of things because you’re trying to make up for the things they never had. Start building your bond with them based on trust and respect, not what you can give them. Instead use that money for family day trips and activities, where everyone in the family can participate and create memories. To many times children in foster care are given ‘things’ by well meaning people as a way to make them happy. I believe this sets up a pattern of thinking that material things are the path to happiness. There’s time for that later, after you’ve started bonding with them and those material things are just a bonus, not a replacement for love.

3) Routine, routine, routine. One of the ways you can help them feel safe is to provide routine to their days. They’ll relax more when they know what to expect. Try to keep meal times and betimes consistent. Have a morning and evening routine. Do allow for flexibility though.

4) You will be tested beyond your wildest imagination. As they become adjusted to their new family, they will learn how much they can push and what rules they can break before you get angry. They may try to use this to come between two parents. Most times they are trying to see how long it takes before you “give them back”. This may be especially true if your child has had multiple placements before living with you. Learn to practice deep breathing, yoga or whatever it takes to stay calm.

5) Keep connections with their foster parents and siblings if at all possible. Many foster children move from home to home while in care, deepening any attachment issues they may already face. You can try and break this cycle by keeping as many old connections as possible (except of course with abusive biological family members).

As the parents of three children, all adopted at an older age through foster care, I can tell you from experience that it’s not easy….but I believe these children are worth it.

This post if part of the “Top 5″ group writing project.

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When we decided to adopt it was a very spontaneous decision. During a frustrating conversation with my mother about my sister’s poor parenting choices, I blurted out “Don’t call me about her behavior again unless you’re calling to ask me to raise one of her children”. –That was all it took.

All that afternoon (Valentine’s Day 2004), the thought of adoption wouldn’t go away. I approached my husband with the idea later that evening and by that Sunday, we agreed that it was what our family needed. We sat our children down that weekend and told them our idea. All four (3 of ours and 1 of his) were in agreement. We started looking into what we would have to do the following Monday. Conveniently, the foster parent classes started that March….after 6 weeks of them, we were licensed foster parents and the wait began.

After having difficulty conceiving both our sons, we were in the throes of infertility treatments to try and conceive a third child. We always knew we wanted 3 kids, and with just the 4 of us, it felt like someone was missing. Once my doctor gave me the facts of the UNlikelihood of us conceiving a third time, my husband suggested adoption. I was resistant, not wanting to “babysit” someone else’s child. I knew virtually nothing about adoption. But during the spring of 2002 I grieved and researched adoption on the sly. My heart and mind finally connected and my husband breathed a sigh of relief when I said, “Let’s look into adopting.” We signed on with our facilitator in July and Tessa was born, literally into my arms, 15 months later. I’m SOOOOO glad now that our family is complete and cannot imagine having a child other than our daughter.

I had always been drawn to adoption, but I never realized that I would ever do it myself. From the time I first saw “Pete’s Dragon” as a little girl, I wanted to love a child who needed me. I had my life all planned out. I married at 23. We would have our first child at 28 and our second at 30. But when I failed to conceive, I insisted upon going to an infertility specialist after 6 months with dh kicking and screaming. After about a year of failed IF treatments, I was ready to adopt, but dh wanted to try IF longer. After 3-1/2 years of IF heartache, I went to an adoption orientation alone. It took another 5 months to get dh to agree on filling out the application. The deciding factor was when I asked myself the question, “Is the goal to become pregnant or to become a parent?” I realized that pregnancy was such a small part of being a parent. It took dh a little longer to get on board. But now, he ADORES our son and wouldn’t change a thing.

When I remarried I assumed it would be easy to get pregnant again esp. after the first time (we tried once and boom there was Phil) Boy was I wrong. Actually I was able to get pregnant 5 times and I miscarried 5 times anywhere from 9 to 18 weeks gestation. After the last miscarriage I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. We were told we could go thru IF treatments I told Scott I couldn’t go thru it (miscarriage) again. So we turned to a friend who was an adoption attorney who helped us navigate the maze. For me it wasn’t about being pregnant. I had done that before and I was a terrible pregnant person. I would have done it again if Scott had his heart set on a biological child but since he was adopted at birth to him it didn’t matter how we had our children It was about being a parent together. So adoption was the path we followed.

I got my tubes tied after the birth of my 3rd child.When the youngest was 6 my husband and i wanted more children. Adoption was the what we both wanted.My husband is adopted and for him it was the best decision.Boy was he right.Went through adoption hell in the states.Our children were found in a foreign country.

DH and I decided to adopt because we did not want to pursue IF treatments. As a poster said above. The goal is to become a parent not to get pregnant. It does not matter how our family comes to us, and we wanted to give a child/children a loving home. We made the decision rather quickly (in 3 days) and have not looked back. We are really looking forward to this process. The more you want something the more you appreciate it when your dreams come true. A year ago I thought this would be a hard decision but it wasn’t. I can’t wait to be a mommy.

Sometime around second grade, I told people that I wanted to adopt. I often thought that I’d adopt and do the biological route…….but didn’t give it that much thought at all. When I met dh (high school sweetheart)….we both felt that adoption was for us. We both had health issues within our extended family (diabetes, severe early onset arthritis, etc)….and even though neither of us had/have these health issues, we just felt we couldn’t knowingly put these issues on a baby through genetics. We also felt/feel that there are already too many people on the planet. (Just our opinion)….and we weren’t people who felt the need to have kids that looked anything like us. So, we knew that if we had children…we’d adopt. DH was enlisted in the Air Force for awhile….we married before his first official orders; and when he got orders for Japan….we felt we’d pursue our adoption efforts there. We adopted our first baby from Korea in 1981 (born 1980)…next baby from Japan in 1982. Years passed before we went the older child route in ’96 and ’98. In 2001….we went back to baby adoptions through private agency/attorney. First private agency baby was adopted then; and our most recent adoption was completed in 2003 (another baby).

Many people ask us this because we already have 2 bio children.one boy and one girl.so they say “why would you want more and why would you adopt instead of going the natural route?” i got very ill with my pregnancies and even though i was capable of conceiving it was so hard on me and my body and the kids that we decided that adoption would be the route we would take to have the larger family we always wanted.and deep inside i always thought it was a way to provide a loving home to a child in need.

Part Two

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What made you decide to adopt?

We asked some of the members of our adoption forum and here’s what they had to say. Feel free to answer in a comment here. We’d love to know what our visitors think.  

Read part one here

At first, adoption was not something we thought about. We wanted to get pregnant and create a little person that looked like one or both of us, and we spent the better part of a decade and tens of thousands of dollars trying to achieve this. At some point, the desire to be a parent grew larger than the desire to give birth. And the desire to love a child, any child, grew larger than the desire to love a child that looked like us.

Years ago, when I married my husband, he was not the kind of man who would ever adopt a child, let alone a child that was not white. This was due to his family background, and not something I blame him personally for. As he experienced loss after loss, and piles of disappointments and failed treatments, his perspectives changed. The desire to parent a child outgrew any ingrained opinions he may have had.

In the end, it was my husband, the man who said he could not love a child that did not come from himself, who led the charge into the adoption arena. The man who was afraid to fly, who got on a plane and flew 27 – 30 hours one way because the little brown babies that the agency said were his were waiting for him half a world away.

We adopted because loving a child makes one very brave, makes one stronger than one thought possible. It sustains one through the darkness and restores hope and faith and purpose.

I have to say, I always knew this would be the way I had my family; some sort of instinctual innate feeling that I can not describe but always felt. Apparently I even announced it on occasion because my mom can remember me making random statements about not birthing children but adopting!

Societal pressures pushed me into attempting to get pregnant and I can remember going thru the attempts thinking “who am I kidding?” because a little voice inside me kept telling me adoption!

The most “free-ing” conversation I ever had with my doctor was the one where he stated that I may want to consider alternative options to getting pregnant the traditional way…I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and said “adoption” He wanted to talk about ALL the alternatives but I was matter of fact “thanks but no thanks” so it may sound corny to say “I always knew….” but I really did always know!

While I was married, my husband and I discussed children at various times. Seemed like we were never on the same page at the same time but it became a stronger and stronger desire of mine to be a parent. We struggled with fertility issues as well and my H did not want to adopt. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what I really wanted: the experience of pregnancy and having a biological child; or did I just have the desire to have a child and the gene connection was not important.

After my divorce (which was not totally due to the kid issue), it hit me that I could be a single parent. I looked at the possibilities from all sides and decided as a single I really wasn’t interested in having an infant. So, I elected to adopt an older child and went through the CPS system. I met my daughter about 6 weeks before her 7th bday and she’s been home for a year now. It is, without question, the best decision I’ve ever made. She is my joy.

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Written by Linny

If you keep an eye on adoption sites that feature children available for re-adoption, it would seem there are more and more children (adopted as older children), who’s adoptions are being dissolved. (By older child adoption, I’m referring to children 3 years old and up).

Having lived, and parented children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), children who‘s adoptions all failed in some way over time, I can fully understand a family’s plight. Living with children who must be watched 24/7 for fear of harming/killing other children is beyond exhaustive. Over time, it can change a parents’ mindset of ‘what’s normal and what’s not’. It can also make a parent doubt any and all decisions they make. Further, it’s not uncommon for parents of children with RAD to end up divorced; or at least suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

There is seldom any respite for a family raising a difficult child from the foster care system. Very often, there’re a lot of suggestions to help; but no real solid help for the families. The family then lives an isolated and lonely life where even ‘normal’ siblings suffer from the isolation at having a sister or brother who steals everything in sight, lies in the face of reality, or can’t be trusted to be around young children for fear of sexual inappropriateness.

However, some of our adoption forum members have had great experiences with older child adoptions. I’m not making light of the difficulty they’ve had in raising these children to become great kids, and certainly, there’s a huge difference in those children vs other children who’s adoptions are being dissolved or disrupted.

If you considering older child adoption, take heed. There are miracles and there are disasters. Education is key; but there’s more to it as well. I don’t think it’s ‘the gamble that just turned out well’, but more, the successful parents knew or sensed something ‘successful’ when they sought out and found their older children. Call it an internal sixth sense if you will, but something made the parents see a child as being able to bond and grow up successfully, and they did.

When we first saw/met our first-older child for adoption, IMMEDIATELY I felt something was very wrong. I really did. I couldn’t put my finger on it; he was such a funny and cute kid; but I didn’t feel good about fully adopting him; and my husband nd I talked often about ‘whether we should or shouldn’t’. I felt like I loved him; I wanted to love him more, but there was something that just wasn’t ‘right’ here, a type of distance in our relationship I’d never felt or seen before.

That doesn’t speak well for my character, does it, but it’s true. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we were very torn as to whether we should proceed with adoption or not. Yet, we and some other family members thought we should, and I agreed, having moments where I thought, “This is going to be just fine; this is great.”.

He turned out to have severe RAD and eventually, wasn‘t able to stay in a traditional home environment. The state foster/adopt department literally lied to us about his past. (We found/have the paperwork to prove incredible fraud.) This type of thing is common, meaning, state foster to adopt departments are often NOT honest about disclosing full information with their ‘more difficult children to place’. It would seem, as some believe, the state adoption departments are more than anxious to put the burden of raising these children on someone else’s shoulders.

Even for the most experienced parent, there are many illnesses than require a lot of outside support. Sadly, most states are reluctant or refuse to give any support other than tell the parents they need to put monitors in place and ‘live with it’. (Very disturbing news for those who live with the threat of sexual abuse or assault.)
(Oddly enough, the state departments would quickly remove any biological child from a family who created the threat of harm, sexual assault or death to any family members. But, when the child is ‘one of theirs’ however, it seems the mindset changes?)

I personally feel no one should adopt our of birth order; and, I would caution anyone who wants to adopt from the system when they’ve already adopted infants, and plan to adopt *more* infants in the future. It should be a serious consideration, because when you adopt an older child from the system, it may also mean you’ll never be able to adopt again if the child’s behaviors are so bad that bringing in a baby would be a dangerous action to do.

Please be careful when wanting to adopt older children. Educate yourself beyond the general classes each state provides for foster to adopt certification. Those classes are usually quite mild, definitely biased, and don’t present a full scope of what living with an older adopted child with moderate to severe issues can be like. Usually, the parent takes the role of a caretaker and counselor more than the role of ‘just being able to enjoy parenting an older child’.

Is this true for every older child adoption?

Certainly not.

But it would be wise to carefully consider each older child on a case by case basis and not rush into any adoption finalization until the child has lived within your home for a very extended amount time.

Adoption disruption statistics
Individual studies throughout the United States are consistent in reporting disruption rates that range from about 10 to 25 percent.

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That if they had to ‘talk themselves into this’, then they shouldn’t be doing it.

That if they are caucasian themselves, once they adopt a baby of color, their family will forever be categorized as a multiracial family and it will change how much of society will view and identify their family forever.

That it is important to expose their child to a ‘cultural view’, but to leave it up to the child as to ‘how much is enough’. Also that ‘culture’ isn’t identified by what is currently the ‘view’ on the media, and that the bond and traditions of the family sometimes supersede what’s considered ‘culture’.

If you have other children in your home they immediately become a transracial family too and they need help understanding that not all families are like thiers, they may be teased at school and other places. You need to set up support for them.

You may lose family members when you make this choice.

I would tell them that in many instances black birthmoms are not seeking nor are comfortable with fully open adoption arrangements, and not to push it. It does not mean that they necessarily love their children any less, only that they may define adoption as the entrusting of parents to care and love for their child solely.

I would tell them that if they have ever made racial comments before, they can not feel bad about it after their trans-racial adoption dream comes true. Comments you might have made when you were young does not make you a hypocrite, it just means you have grown up and now you accept people for who they are, not their skin color.

My only other advice is to not get angry at the people in your life that do make stupid comments, just understand it’s pure ignorance.

I would offer that raising a child of a different ethnic origin does draw attention, not all bad – but definitely attention. Be prepared. I offer this especially to families who already have a child (adopted or bio) who are of the same ethnic origin as the parents.

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