1) Don’t freak out if you go out for dinner and they eat spaghetti with their hands (even through they 12 years old and know how to use a fork), or they pick their nose (and eat it) when you’re introducing them to your life long friends or wear the same clothes for six days in a row. Take a deep breathe and stay calm. If they know they can shock you, they will. If they think you can’t handle the small issues (yes, those are small), they’ll have a hard time learning to trust you. Stay focused on the big picture. Pick and choose your “battles”.

2) Like the Beatles song goes “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Don’t make the mistake of buying them a lot of things because you’re trying to make up for the things they never had. Start building your bond with them based on trust and respect, not what you can give them. Instead use that money for family day trips and activities, where everyone in the family can participate and create memories. To many times children in foster care are given ‘things’ by well meaning people as a way to make them happy. I believe this sets up a pattern of thinking that material things are the path to happiness. There’s time for that later, after you’ve started bonding with them and those material things are just a bonus, not a replacement for love.

3) Routine, routine, routine. One of the ways you can help them feel safe is to provide routine to their days. They’ll relax more when they know what to expect. Try to keep meal times and betimes consistent. Have a morning and evening routine. Do allow for flexibility though.

4) You will be tested beyond your wildest imagination. As they become adjusted to their new family, they will learn how much they can push and what rules they can break before you get angry. They may try to use this to come between two parents. Most times they are trying to see how long it takes before you “give them back”. This may be especially true if your child has had multiple placements before living with you. Learn to practice deep breathing, yoga or whatever it takes to stay calm.

5) Keep connections with their foster parents and siblings if at all possible. Many foster children move from home to home while in care, deepening any attachment issues they may already face. You can try and break this cycle by keeping as many old connections as possible (except of course with abusive biological family members).

As the parents of three children, all adopted at an older age through foster care, I can tell you from experience that it’s not easy….but I believe these children are worth it.

This post if part of the “Top 5″ group writing project.

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People often wonder why adoptive and preadoptive parents need support. It is assumed that adoptive parents have “all the joy and none of the pain”. Many have no idea what trials and tribulations adoptive families endure to “become real”. The devastation of childlessness can be a crippling disability, terribly misunderstood.

Pre-adoptive parents seek to share their joy with their co-workers, family, friends and neighbors and oftentimes, the reactions are surprisingly unsupportive. The same thing happens when they try to raise funds to offset adoption costs. They are shocked to learn that some people take offense at the idea. Here is a sampling of opinions offered by people who have not been touched by adoption. Have these been sensed, experienced, or thought by you?

People look down on adoptive parents because they “accepted the second rate option in lieu of the first rate.” Adoption is seen as second class parenting. People who adopt haven’t “paid their dues to get a child.” They have not undergone the trials of a strained marriage, lack of sex drive, fears of infidelity, emotional upheavals, anticipation and realization of huge belly, health complications, the vomiting  or thirty pound weight gain. Adoptive mothers still have their “girlish figure”, no stretch marks, no sagging breasts, and no episiotomy stitches.

People who adopt think that money can buy anything, even children. That fundraising to pay for adoptive fees is unfair, because “regular” parents don’t get help like that. People forget that many go through dozens of painful infertility procedures, have multiple miscarriages if they are lucky enough to get pregnant at all, and are completely stressed out by failure and huge fortunes spent before they approach adoption agencies. It’s harder to have a baby through adoption than by natural birth. Strain on marriage? Oh yes. Emotional upheavals? Most definitely. Lots of tears and frustration. Hopelessness. Anger at God for not being able to function like others. Lack of sex drive? Just ask couples who have had to monitor ovulation dates and temperatures for even a month or two. Fears of infidelity? The fear that your partner might want a fertile partner so that the family line will go on is quite real. As for that huge belly and stretch marks: those are beautiful in our eyes. If we could only share that experience. Health complications are in themselves reasons why many women fear becoming pregnant. They don’t want to pass on hereditary diseases, or jeopardize the babies’ or their own lives. Some have taken huge risks in the past and just don’t dare try it again. Some have nearly died.

It’s not about the money. That’s pretty clear by the way that adoption agencies vary to extremes in their fees. Having a family is the ultimate experience that, when unreachable, can become a blinding lure.

Children are not bought and sold. The fees to pay the people involved in matching, legals, etc. are what make adoption a business. It is illegal to pay a woman to surrender her child for adoption. Only certain living expenses may be given as assistance, and such money is not refundable if the mother changes her mind.

Adoption creates real families.

Real parents with their real children.

Though society persists in seeing the adoptive status as subordinate to a biological family’s connectedness, in day to day practice, this simply is not so. Attachment is forged and once solidified, the new bond should be, and is expected to be, as unconditionally loving and strong as the biological one. People who adopt children have parental instincts, too. The reaction to protect and nurture one’s young is a natural, inborn behavior.

People can live without being physically or emotionally complete. However, living without a huge part of what is expected from the norm creates suffering. It is reasonable when there is relief, to seek it. Fund raising helps people to overcome hardships when trying to reach important goals. People should not be criticized for wanting to parent. Parenting and Fostering have completely different goals. Fostering is temporary nurturing while the parents heal enough for the child to be returned. Parenting provides nurturing adults an assurance of permanency that can build upon itself: to actually raise that child over the growing years, and to be forever in that child’s life. Having that forever family is something which all children desire and deserve. Not everyone should, or can, Foster hurt older waiting children. If a childless couple longs to raise a newborn who has been freed for adoption, there should be no more stigma on that couple than on any other couple wanting their own baby. Pre-adoptive parents have been thoroughly screened and approved to raise children not born to them. Please do not judge or deny them the opportunity to fill the huge void in their lives.

A baby’s arrival is a joyous occasion for expectant parents, no matter how that baby comes home. Embrace and support loving, nurturing, educated adoptive homes. Read some of the many books on adoption. Share the experience with others.

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There are many adoptees who have no desire to search for their birth relatives at all, and are perfectly happy with how things are, and their adoptive lives are stable and secure. There are minor adoptees who feel imposed upon when they have to share details about their lives and photos of themselves to people who have not taken an active role in the triad, when those people originally asked for that. My son is one of them. His birthmother refused to answer his first questions and closed the door nine years ago: adding to the rejection that many adoptees feel at not having had any control over their original destinies. The hope of receiving family and medical history never really materialized despite my requests early on. And so this year, as agreed by all and was policy of the agency, my son has plans to stop further updates. He wants to move on with his life and not have to think about adoption, or be identified or labeled by the fact that he was adopted. He also has no desire to search or to be contacted when he turns eighteen. It is because we are a very openly communicative family and honesty given the highest place in our relationships, that I cannot go behind his back and try to maintain any contact in case he changes his mind. The fact remains that his own birthmother decided that she first wanted privacy. She does not want direct contact and does not respond to the letters and pictures I keep sending. So, it really isn’t my place to go between either of them.

The opinion that most preadoptive families now seek open adoption may be out of context. I believe that most preadoptive families approach adoption professionals not knowing much more than that they want to become parents. The professionals tell them what they believe is the best thing for adoptees, and the current majority viewpoint is open adoption. We embraced that concept with open minds and hearts like so many others, and ultimately it was not the right road for our triad at all.

People are unique, with unique experiences. Each situation deserves to have its unique ingredients appreciated as the analogous cake is baked. All it takes is one ingredient left out or added to ruin the recipe.

There are birthparents who are totally dissatisfied with Open Adoption because it did not present the things that they had anticipated. I can say the same thing as an adoptive parent. All the openness in the world cannot make another person share family and medical history if they choose not to. Openness cannot guarantee that there will not be drama, stress, or fear. Open Adoption is a work in progress and everyone involved has to participate in a productive way to get over the lumps and bumps. Without that willingness or cooperative effort, the waters can get murky.

I am really happy for those people who have incredible blended adoptive-biological family extensions that work beautifully. However, their success does not mean that people with huge differences in lifestyles, values, cultures, etc. will have the same experience. Likewise, children who have histories of abuse or neglect have challenging circumstances in their past which make Open Adoption typically impossible. Imagine the potential harm if everyone assumed that such a child had an ongoing relationship with his or her biological relatives, and unknowing teachers, doctors, friends’ parents and others continually asked about the relationship – as if adoption and open contact with birth relatives were expected.

Every adoptee has the right to privacy about their own circumstances surrounding their adoption. Adoptees have a right not to be identified or stigmatized by their adopted status. When biological relatives are identified, the intimacies of the original adoption circumstances can become public. While ongoing contact may minimalize the potential trauma of being asked about adoption, the fact remains that unrelated people could ask more, and more people could know…and why is that necessary? How is that productive?

If it’s really all about the adoptee, then the adoptee needs to be given choices, and have those choices respected. They are the last to be heard while everybody else rushes to decide what is best for them. Ask them. What I’ve heard is that they just want to be treated like anyone else. They want to have the opportunities of anyone else. They don’t want to be labeled. While many feel that open adoption best enables them to accomplish their goals, this is not always true because the dynamics of every triad is unique.

As potential adoptive parents, remember that your future children depend upon you to leave room for them to make personal choices when they’re ready. What if they don’t want eighteen years of contact, letters and photos? How could this be addressed? When is open contact not healthy for your child and would you confront the issues in an ethical and responsible way if a problem arose? What responsibilities do you expect out of triad contact, and how will you address them?

Thoughfully written by Keadie

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One of the myths that was posted several times was about adoption being a “last resort” or something we HAVE TO do:

“All adoptive parents “have to” adopt because they can’t “have their own” children. Reality: lots of families CHOOSE to adopt for lots of different reasons, including medical, religious, etc. that do NOT include infertility. The corollary to this myth is that adoption is a family’s second choice”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options “

“You only chose to adopt after spending tons of money trying to have a child “Naturally”.

“Adoption is the always the last choice after trying all other fertility options ”

“They are infertile and adopt because they can’t have their “own” children (often not the case”

Another myth that came up was that somehow you can’t love an adopted child as much as a biological child.

“That no adoptive parent can really love an adopted child as much as they love ‘their own’”

“You could never really love a kid that isn’t “yours”.”

“You can’t love a child unless they are genetically related to you”

A few members brought up that people think you had to be rich to adopt.

“It is a myth that you need lots of money or have to own a home, have a huge savings accounts, be of a certain age, etc”.

“You have to be rich to adopt”

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If you ask an adoptee who the “real” parents are, chances are the child will point to the actively parenting, adoptive parents. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards have words describing active parenting, nurturing qualities. But when “outsiders” continue to push by saying, “You know who I mean! The people who gave birth to you!”, it is a negative reinforcer to any triad member who is forced to acknowledge loss. The child has lost a biological connection to his or her parents. The adoptive parent or parents have to acknowledge yet again the loss of a biological connection to their children. The biological parents may feel validated that they are recognized as parents, but they are not actively raising the child.

Fact is: We’re ALL real. No one side can ignore the reality of the other. We can put up blinders or go into denial, but those people aren’t going away. Again, the “outsiders” insist: “You KNOW it’s not the same! You don’t get the same love that you would if your REAL parents were raising you!” Oh, really? I can’t think of a single adoptive parent who wouldn’t risk life or limb for their adopted children. Adoptive parents are the only Certified parents. Many of us wish that all parents had to go through the scrutiny which we have undergone in order to raise the babies they have. We see so many children whom we’d like to protect from neglect and abuse, but cannot because society places blood ties ahead of us.

Adoption isn’t altruistic. We are not selfless givers worthy of praise. Our children don’t owe us anything for the act of adopting them. We are not saints worthy of praise by “outsiders” for somehow doing some noble thing. Then of course the comment, “Well, I couldn’t have done what you are doing” may be heard, which also is so destructive to people touched by adoption. Adoption satisfies hardship needs. People who are unable to parent their children find loving homes for them. People who are unable to conceive have children placed in their arms. Children who need immediate, loving parents are provided with them. Nobody in the adoption triad should be expecting to be put upon a pedastal for having their needs met. No one should be guilted because adoptive needs were met.

Realness can be demonstrated repeatedly, and not just by DNA. Parenting is a lifetime career. Just as a newly “Empty Nester” mom whose life was lived through raising those adopted children with every cell of her being.

What happens when those kids turn eighteen? We’ve heard, “Don’t you realize that one day he will go back to his own kind?” by the “outsiders”. Consider the adult adoptees that you know and with whom you have grown up. Real history has built their foundation of what it means to be in the adoptive family. That cement is solid and won’t go away. Being the active mother or father for all of those years, with all of the attachment and memories, the subsequent siblings, neighborhood, childhood friends: that’s Real. If we as adoptive parents have provided a loving, stable, supportive, responsible home for children not born to us, then we have nothing to fear when they grow up. Likewise, we need to feel secure about ourselves to know that other adults in our adult childrens’ lives will not displace us as their parents. Have the people in your adult life replaced your own parents? Chances are, no. History is Real.

This is not to say that we must step aside. I’m not advocating that at all. Be the parent that you would have liked to have, that you dream of becoming. Think of how your child must tactfully deal with all of the adults that he/she loves in his/her life. Become the support system upon which your child can depend. When all is said and done, a child has been born, raised, and became a productive and loving adult as a result of positive role models, dedicated and loving parents, and mentors. Your job as a Real parent is to make that your child’s Reality.

Written by Keadie

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When you think of the books you loved as a child, what images come to your mind? Many of us remember bedtime rituals that included Goodnight, Moon and Pat the Bunny or a Halloween tradition that included The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. If you have strong memories of these or other books, chances are that what you remember most are the warm feelings associated with having a loving caregiver (parent, grandparent, favorite babysitter, etc.) reading those books to you.

As parents, we read aloud to our children for several reasons. Reading to our children promotes literacy. It fosters bonding and attachment by creating those shared memories and experiences that are such a formative part of our upbringing. The choice of books that we read helps teach our children things that we want them to know, such as our family values. And reading to our children provides an opportunity to talk with our children about things that we think are important.

For families formed through adoption, this opportunity to open a dialogue is the best argument for making sure that your home library includes a wide range of adoption books. Books such as Jamie Lee Curtis’s Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born or My Family is Forever by Nancy Carlson introduce adoption concepts in a positive way. When we read these books to our children we are modeling for them both the vocabulary of adoption and the idea that talking about adoption is acceptable and valuable. Other books, such as The Family Book by Todd Parr or Nina Pelligrini’s Families are Different introduce many types of family formations, helping children accept that adoption is just one way in which families might differ from one another.

As parents reading aloud to our children, we can use these books and stories of adoption to elicit our children’s feelings. For example, we might stop at an illustration and comment “When I look at the boy in this picture I feel sad because…” or “I think the girl in this story feels…” Sometimes we might ask our children to respond (e.g. “And what do you think?”) and other times we might let the moment pass. In either case, it’s important for us to reinforce the idea that sharing feelings is a positive and important part of being in a family. If we set the stage for our children to share their feelings with us when they are young, they are much more likely to come to us to share their feelings when they are older, and when those feelings become more complicated.

Books that talk about feelings in general, such as When Sophie Gets Angry…Really Really Angry or In My Heart by Molly Bang or Dave Cutler’s When I Wished I Was Alone are also valuable for adoptive families, although neither talks about adoption. Instead, these books help children understand how to identify and describe some of the feelings they may have. Another good example of this type of book is Jamie Lee Curtis’s book Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods that Make My Day .

Our children will have different feelings about adoption as they grow – sometimes minute by minute! Having a range of books, including children’s adoption books, in your home library and they will help your children process these feelings and understand that these feelings (and the fact that they change) are a normal part of growing up.

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All families change over time. Sometimes a baby is born, or a grown-up gets married. And sometimes a child gets placed in foster care. Children need to know that when this happens, it’s not their fault. When a child gets adopted they need to understand that they can remember and value their birth family and love their new family, too. Straightforward words and full-color illustrations offer hope and support for children facing or experiencing change. This title includes resources (more…)

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Let me explain….

When we adopted her, she was eight years old (We also adopted her two siblings at the same time). For the first couple of years, the week leading up to her birthday was always a time of turmoil for us. Moodiness, nastiness and sadness would fill her up and hurt anyone in her path, usually us, her family. Some years it was all I could go to even talk to her during that week….one year I threw her cake into the garbage out of total frustration and another year I cancelled her party a few days before.

Two years ago, a few weeks before her 12th birthday, I was going through some of the adoption paperwork, looking for something unrelated to her birthday, and I came across the court papers from when they were originally removed from their biological home. The date jumped out at me; June 3rd.

They were removed two days before her 4th birthday. As a matter of fact, her first full day in foster care, was on her 4th birthday.

It made sense now.

I shared my findings with my daughter and we had a long discussion about it. Although she doesn’t remember that week, we talked about how she must have felt….being almost 4 years old and excited about her birthday, only to be removed from her home, separated from her siblings (they were separated for their first year in foster care) and living with strangers. We gave a voice to the little four year old inside her and talked about powerless and angry she must have felt.

We also talked about how to proceed from there. Finding out “why” is one thing, but we had to find a way to stop the cycle.

I came up with an idea of celebrating her birthday on a different day. My thoughts were that even if she was moody the week of her birthday, it wouldn’t interfere with any plans that we had. She liked that idea and we started thinking about dates. She said she wanted to share the day with someone that she loved (yes, she’s a sweetheart) and she chose me. I was honored, but my birthday was in January and had passed five months before. Then she chose my husband, but his birthday had just passed two weeks earlier.

Then she lit up and said “How about Mom Mom?!”. She excitedly ran next door to ask my mother if she would mind sharing her birthday, which is eleven days after hers. Of course, my mother loved the idea and we set about our plans for a double birthday.

On June 16th, we had a cake that said “Happy Birthday To The Two Geminis” and both of our birthday girls opened their gifts. They talked about how they would celebrate “their birthday” next year.

Here’s a picture from that day.

My mother gave my daughter the greatest gift one could give.

A new start. A new day, full of love and happiness…not bad memories and sadness.

The following year was bittersweet for us. We celebrated my daughters birthday on her new day but we were also were aware that my mother was not here with us (although my husband told me she was here – we just couldn’t see her)

Now it’s time for another birthday.

As time goes on, the sad memories are subsiding and happy memories are taking their place. The week leading up to her birthday this year wasn’t that bad because the pressure has been taken off of her. So tomorrow, I will give her a kiss and say happy birthday to my beautiful 14 year old daughter, but that’s where it will end. There will not be a cake, or gifts or decorations. Those things will wait until the 16th….a day that is full of love and special memories. We’ll also remember my mom, who passed on her own birthday to her granddaughter and gave her the best birthday gift ever.

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Update #2: A list of email addresses has been added at the bottom of this post.

One of our adoption forum members brought this to our attention (thanks Debbie!) and I am passing it along to anyone who may be interested. I’m also adding my personal thoughts, which I shared on our adoption forum, at the end of this post.

There is a horror slasher film being released July 24 (Orphan) about a family who adopts an older girl who “is not what she appears to be. Warnings about her go unheeded until it is too late…for everyone”. The film is being promoted now (http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com) and the adoption message being sent is extremely negative. There is actually a line in the trailer that says “it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own”.
Without having seen the movie or read the script, it is hard to know if the entire movie is sending a ghastly adoption message, but the trailer certainly leads us to believe it is. This feeds the notion that older adoptees are very troubled and you should beware…. that’s not an image any of us want the general public to have of our kids. It plays into people’s deepest fears.

There is a growing group pursuing a boycott of the film, sending out emails and posting on online bulletin boards. I urge you to forward this email to others personally involved in adoption, help disseminate the boycott message and write to the producers and distributors expressing your displeasure with the message being sent.
The backers of this movie have deep pockets. It is being released by Dark Castle Entertainment with Warner Bros. set to distribute. Leonardo DiCaprio’s Appian Way, which developed the material, is also producing.

Here are my personal thoughts;

I just watched the trailer. Looks like the type of movie I would love…..dark and creepy. That line about it being hard to love an adopted child as much as your own is actually said by the adopted girl herself, who is obviously psychotic.

I have two thoughts about this movie……

If people take this movie as a serious portrayal of what older child adoption could be, it might actually be a good thing. There are seriously damaged older kids being adopted into families that have no idea what their in for and once the papers are signed, these families are on their own. I adopted three older kids and luckily, my two younger ones are fine, but my son is one fucked up kid. I hide my butcher knives and scissors in my bedroom because I don’t trust him. I am seeing a lot of sociopathic behaviors in him as he gets older. Maybe after this movie comes out, the concerns of those of us who have adopted troubled kids will be taken more seriously. I actually had a counselor at the facility my son is at, tell me to examine my parenting as a cause of my son’s behavior. After all this time of going through the system’s red tape trying to get help for him and telling anyone who will listen that something is wrong with him (much like the line from the movie; ‘There’s something wrong with Ester’), this man who never met me wants me to carry some of the blame. Needless to say, I hung up on him, (which I’m sure they’ll write up as me being a ‘hostile parent who has anger issues’) but there’s many more who think like him. If there’s one thing that comes out of this movie, I hope it’s that we (those of us who adopt older troubled kids) adopt these kids with all good intentions and then we get very little support and back up from teachers/therapists/cops/judges, etc.

That girl reminded me a lot of my son Very charming and polite in the beginning, able to keep that facade up when needed. Then something happens that she doesn’t like and rage kicks in. That rage in the toilet stall scene is what we live with when he doesn’t get his way.

Is all older child adoption like this?…of course not. I have two kids that prove it doesn’t. My daughters were adopted at the ages of 5 and 8 and are nothing like this movie.

My other thought is….it’s a horror movie made for entertainment and should be treated as such. If I got all bent out of shape every time someone portrayed “me” in a movie, I would be boycotting Goodfellas and The Soprano’s for how they show Italian-Americans.

I want to also add that the people boycotting have every right to do that and I back them 100%. I’m all for people speaking out when there is something they don’t agree with. Unlike channels like CNN and MSNBC who belittled people like myself who attended the recent tax day tea parties, I believe in the right to protest….even if I do not agree with their message.

My last thought is that this movie is nothing compared to the type of movie I would make about older child adoption. I plan on writing a book about my experience and if this movie is causing controversy and it’s not even real, they can’t handle my truth.

Update: Here is a sample letter to send to Warner Bros.

May {XX}, 2009

Barry M. Meyer
Warner Bros. Movies
4000 Warner Blvd.
Burbank, CA 91522

Dear Mr. Meyer and Producers of the movie Orphan:

“It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own.”

Writing as a parent of an adopted child, I strongly urge you to remove this line from your film, “Orphan” and, especially, from all of your trailers. This line implies that an adopted child is not the parents’ child and, for anyone in an adoptive family, is very hurtful. Additionally, anyone seeing the film- or the trailer containing this line of dialogue- could promulgate such a hurtful expression and spread it like a virus, creating emotional distress for adoptive families everywhere.

In this day and age, when movie trailers are “sanitized” so that they can be shown before any movie, regardless of the MPAA rating, your trailer is likely to be seen and heard by young children and their families. For adoptive families, and especially for young children who joined their families through adoption, this line has the potential to cause serious trauma.

So, I will also ask you to look inside your heart and then look, again, at your film and see if there are other scenes that can create a negative stigma for adoptive families and please make changes to eliminate or, at the very least, reduce the damage. If you have any question about what might be considered hurtful, please contact Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute as I know they would be happy to help you.

I understand your film has already been completed and asking you to make wholesale changes at this point, just a couple of months before it is released, is probably unrealistic. That is why I am pleading with you to simply show some sensitivity and limit the damage your film will do to anyone who has an adopted child in their family and at least make these changes to the trailer.

I believe you would prefer not having adoptive families around the world virally warning each other of the damaging depictions contained in your movie and encouraging all their friends and family members not to patronize “Orphan.” No filmmaker would like the headline “Movie Called Harmful to Adoptive Families” associated with their film- least of all Mr. DiCaprio who, until now, has maintained a very positive public image.

Please reply and let me know what you have decided to do with your “Orphan.”

Along with adoptive families around the world, I look forward to hearing of your decision. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
{Name}

email addresses:
Alan Horn, President and Chief Operating Officer
alan.horn@warnerbros.com
Barry Meyer, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
barry.meyer@warnerbros.com
Susan Fleishman, Executive Vice President, Worldwide Corporate Communications and Public Affairs
susan.fleishman@warnerbros.com
Jeff Robonov, President, Warner Bros. Pictures Group
jeff.robonov@warnerbros.com
Dan Fellman, President, Domestic Distribution, Warner Bros. Pictures
dan.fellman@warnerbros.com

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