According to 2005 statistics, there are over 500,000 children in foster care, with the average age being ten years old. Adopting older children can be very rewarding but it’s not for the faint of heart. These children will bring you every bad experience they’ve had and dump it right into your unsuspecting lap. I adopted not one, but three older children and I’ve learned a few things along the way.
1) Don’t freak out if you go out for dinner and they eat spaghetti with their hands (even through they 12 years old and know how to use a fork), or they pick their nose (and eat it) when you’re introducing them to your life long friends or wear the same clothes for six days in a row. Take a deep breathe and stay calm. If they know they can shock you, they will. If they think you can’t handle the small issues (yes, those are small), they’ll have a hard time learning to trust you. Stay focused on the big picture. Pick and choose your “battles”.
2) Like the Beatles song goes “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Don’t make the mistake of buying them a lot of things because you’re trying to make up for the things they never had. Start building your bond with them based on trust and respect, not what you can give them. Instead use that money for family day trips and activities, where everyone in the family can participate and create memories. To many times children in foster care are given ‘things’ by well meaning people as a way to make them happy. I believe this sets up a pattern of thinking that material things are the path to happiness. There’s time for that later, after you’ve started bonding with them and those material things are just a bonus, not a replacement for love.
3) Routine, routine, routine. One of the ways you can help them feel safe is to provide routine to their days. They’ll relax more when they know what to expect. Try to keep meal times and betimes consistent. Have a morning and evening routine. Do allow for flexibility though.
4) You will be tested beyond your wildest imagination. As they become adjusted to their new family, they will learn how much they can push and what rules they can break before you get angry. They may try to use this to come between two parents. Most times they are trying to see how long it takes before you “give them back”. This may be especially true if your child has had multiple placements before living with you. Learn to practice deep breathing, yoga or whatever it takes to stay calm.
5) Keep connections with their foster parents and siblings if at all possible. Many foster children move from home to home while in care, deepening any attachment issues they may already face. You can try and break this cycle by keeping as many old connections as possible (except of course with abusive biological family members).
As the parents of three children, all adopted at an older age through foster care, I can tell you from experience that it’s not easy….but I believe these children are worth it.
This post if part of the “Top 5″ group writing project.
© 2011 Forever Parents
What great information. My husband and I are in the process of adopting through the foster care system. I’m glad I found your blog. I will be back. Thanks!
Hi Tricia,
I’m glad this post was helpful to you. Adopting, especially though foster care as I did, can be stressful at times so feel free to request access at our adoption forums. You’ll find the link in the sidebar.
This is beautiful. Thank you. I have always held the thought of adopting a child, perhaps an older one. This dose of daily reality helps me put myself in the shoes of those who have while I continue to nurse that seedling of an idea.
Thanks,
Gauri
I’m a former foster. Looking back this top five sounds pretty solid to me. Adopting an older child can be tough when they are set in their own ways.
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God bless you for building your family the way you have…but I am sure you didn’t do it for praise like this!
I like the “Can’t Buy Me Love” theme – and it works the same for blended families and your “own” children. I rarely hesitate spending what we can afford on experiencesm but give a close eye on spending on “things”.
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Wow, three kids! I think it is better that way in order for the kids to be with kids they can relate. I really like your tips. It shows how much effort you put in order to make your kids feel at home and at ease. You are right about not buying love. I like the idea on establishing trust and respect first.
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We’ve adopted 4 beautiful children through foster care and I couldn’t agree more! Stability is the key. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Spilled milk or broken glass is nothing in compared to the joy of my children.
What a great guide. But more important what a great contribution to a young person’s life. We need more practical inforamtion like this to encourage others to follow in your footsteps. Very inspiring.