Thoughts on Transracial Adoption

Two of my children are biracial. Even though my three children are biological siblings (actually half biological siblings), one of the is white, while the other two are brown. I think because they’ve always been a multiracial sibling group and have always accepted each other as family, we’ve never had any of the situations I hear some families talk about.

Actually, the only situation that has come up regarding race happened before we adopted them. Their former foster mother once told me that my middle child (white) expressed an interest in being brown so she could look like her siblings.

We talk about the racial make-up of our family very naturally. It’s seems to be a bigger deal for other people than it is for us. I’ve said it before, but for us, it is what it is. Their biological mother and foster mother were white so for the two brown skinned children I have, having a white mother is not any different to them than what they’re used to. We live in a racially diverse neighborhood and my children see families of all colors on a daily basis. I make it a point to expose ALL of them to a wide variety of people, not just of different races, but of different religions and different lifestyles. That’s how I grew up and I want the same for my own kids.

I asked some of the members of our adoption forum for their thoughts on transracial adoption.

What has been your experience with adopting transracially?
What advice would you give someone considering adopting a child outside their race?

Three different members answered:

We have adopted seven times….of these, three were older child adoptions—of those, one has been disrupted, one is in residential, and the other is living with relatives. Of the others: they have all been infants. The first two were international, being born in Korea and Japan. The other two were born in the states……and both are Black American and adopted as babies too.

Now I’ll go out on a limb here…….

While I think it’s important for you to consider how this child will grow up, it is more important (IMO) for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child. Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area (predominately white-10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse), but, I can tell you that for most of their years we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully and they are Asian. Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers. Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome, but the bottom line in everything I have read is ‘how will you deal with forever being a family of color?’

Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And given that this baby might be AA will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?

One of the saddest things I have seen is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption and continually try to make the child/baby seem ‘lighter’ try to ‘play down’ the darker complexion’ or read about the parents talking about ‘how this baby just doesn’t seem to be like ours’. These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it’s true. But, if there is even a twinge of ‘gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC’ then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color.

It’s the ‘gut-level’ feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all, regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it’s that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.

Our son is med/dark complected, full AA. We live in a 99% Caucasian area, although it’s a summer tourist area which brings in every race.

On a day-to-day basis, we don’t even think about race. We see the wonderful child that we adore. Occasionally it’ll be other people, strangers, who remind us of our differences: the nurse asking what our relationship is, the cashier at the store wondering if we’re babysitting. At school, he is one of two AA children (there are about 575 kids at that school). There is one AA teacher’s aide. None of the children at school question that James’ mom is White. None of the children bully him about race.

I did have an issue with his Kindergarten teacher, who kept giving him white paper dolls to color (took longer for him because they had to be brown), and who refused to use an opportunity to make him feel proud about AA inventors when he brought in a cotton branch. It was Black History month, and show and tell.

Culturally, I guess I’d have to say he’s being mainstreamed. His birth relatives have been asked to help in this department, and chose not to. We seek out appropriate cultural events, have added African art to our home, and study Black History together. We seek to meet other transracially adoptive families and full AA families. James is content. At this point in his life, he just wants to play and have fun. He knows that as he gets older, I’ll be there for him to research and that fact alone, whether he wants more answers or not, seems to make it a non-issue.

I can’t say we’ve really had too many issues. Most of the people we are around with Z are those who were with us through the adoption process and so already know.

In thinking about it, I think I react differently depending on whether Z is with me or not. If I’m not with Z, like at work, and people see a picture of him, I just say that he’s my son. Often, I’ll add that he’s adopted from Central America. I’m fairly open and friendly and I feel uncomfortable watching people struggle with questions when they see his obviously Mayan looks and my obviously British/German looks. So, I help them over that little “bump”. This tendency is fading though, largely because I keep forgetting he doesn’t look like me.

If I’m out with Z, though, I always just say “he’s my son” and only if people ask. I think this is because I want Z to know that he IS my son. It’s not mine or his problem if people struggle to reconcile the difference of our looks. If they ask if he’s adopted, I usually say “yep. Aren’t we blessed?” and make it clear that that is the end of it. And I really haven’t had anyone cross that imaginary line. I live about an hour from NYC and so there are a lot racially diverse families in our area. If I’m with just myself and Z, most people assume my husband is Hispanic. If we’re all together, people must figure it out on their own, because honestly, most people don’t ask.

If we are blessed to adopt T, however, I think race may be a bigger factor. I love HER, what makes her T, the piece of Christ I see in her. Her spirit, her laugh, her drive, her independence, her lovableness. But she IS black and I am whiter than white. I don’t know the FIRST thing about black hair, black skin care, black culture. And, trust me, no one in my friends or family does, either. lol I’m honestly not sure how much of an issue it will be. I know my father will faint if it turns out I am the mother to an African American child, but I also know he is a loving grandfather to Z and I NEVER though he would accept an Hispanic grandson. I think that how big an issue race is will be determined by T herself. If it’s a big deal to her, it will be a big deal to the family. I certainly plan on encouraging her to understand her culture and to celebrate it and the wonderful contributions that have been made all over the world by Africans/African-Americans. Whether or not she will need more than this, I don’t know. Again, we live in a fairly diverse area. Bi-racial couples and children are not a huge issue here. Also, if we do adopt T, I know her foster mother and sister and the women of her foster mother’s church all love her very much and would most likely be willing to remain strong influences in her life as she grows into her own special woman. That’s my hope anyway :pink:

Advice for others? I don’t know, since I never anticipated adopting transracially. The only thing I can say for sure is, with both my completed adoption and one that doesn’t seem like it will EVER get off the ground one way or the other, the skin color was not even a consideration. Once I “fell in love”, I was in love and their skin color didn’t matter any more than their hair color, eye color, nose size or foot size. I just love my son as my son and I know I would love T as my daughter and the rest is just stuff that we will work through as it comes.

Tags: adopting a child, adoption forum, biological mother, child adoptions, foster mother, Older Child Adoption, Transracial Adoption

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