Open Adoption – Pros And Cons

We have a diverse group of parents (and those in the pre-parent stage) at our wonderful adoption forum. Some are in open adoptions and others, like myself are in closed adoptions. Still others are in alternative arrangements that work best for them and their children. As parents of this generations adoptees, we all know what works for one family may not work for another family.

What are your thoughts on open adoption?
What has been your experience with it?
Do you have a full or semi open adoption?

Here’s what six of our members said on the topic. If you’re a parent of an adoptee, feel free to add your thoughts in a comment.

My experience is a very open adoption with my daughter, and it’s a very happy one! The birthmom is a family friend, and we love her, trust her, and respect her. And she feels the same about us (at least she says so!). We talk with her a few times a month and see her frequently. The best part is that she and I have a relationship that started with my daughter but is now about the two of us, too. The situation with my son is also open. However, his birthmother keeps more of a distance. I make sure she knows the door is open to her when she wants contact — we invite her to birthday parties and I email her once in awhile. Who knows how this will turn out for my daughter and son? My hope is that if they know all the adults involved so intimately in their lives love them wholeheartedly, they’ll grow up fine.
I’ll be interested to see what others say.

With our youngest, our adoption was meant to be semi open, but his birthmother didn’t register with the exchange, so we haven’t seen her or heard from her since the day she placed him in our arms, and left the house without our knowing, I wish that would have been different. With our oldest we have a fully open adoption. It has been a crazy ride to say the least! Now that he is older, he has not wanted much contact, and truly it has been good for him to see the reality of their lives, he knows, without question, this is where he belongs.

We have a semi-open adoption, which has worked well for us. We met the birthmother once while she was pregnant. I wrote our son a letter after meeting her, which is now in our safe deposit box, so I can give it to him whenever he starts asking questions about her. The letter talks about my impressions of her (all good) and contains details that I am sure will fade with the passage of time. We sent her pictures and letters every other month for the first year and then twice a year (at Birthmother’s Day and Christmas) after that. I thought that writing the letters would be hard, but they turned out to be fun. Who other than her would care about some of those baby details and not think that I am just “bragging”? Having the adoption semi-open was the best of both worlds for us. On the one hand, we have met her, so that removes the “mystery” of who she is and why she decided to place our son for adoption. On the other hand, she is not involved in our day-to-day lives, which removes any fears of trying to co-parent or feeling like there is any sort of “competition.” I am my kid’s mom.

We have a semi-open adoption. The birthfather is deceased, but we visit with his mom and siblings several times a year, and exchange photos, emails and letters with them as well. Grandma takes them for a week during the summer, and sometimes one of their aunts does as well. They are great, awesome people and we enjoy having them in our lives. Birthmom we have limited contact – I send letters, photos and at least once a year, a video of the kids to her through social services. She’s off her rocker most of the time, so I have no desire to open up contact any further. We have received letters back in the past – again, through social services – but none recently. Overall, having this type of arrangement has been very beneficial to my kids and I hope to have a similar setup with our next adoption. My kids are 16 & almost 18, and they were adopted at ages 10 & 12.

We don’t have contact (not even a picture) of my son’s birthmom, but we’re hoping to change that. She told her social worker (at the time of his placement) that she didn’t want any contact yet, but that someday she’d probably be open to it. So, I am writing a letter to her and plan on mailing it to the agency this week. Keep your fingers crossed…we’d really like to have contact with her. We have a very open relationship with our other son’s birthfamily. Birthdad is in Chicago, but birthmom and her family live in the next town over. I was there for his delivery and we see them about once a month (but email them more often). I think it’s going to be interesting to see how the the boys handle their very different adoption situations when they’re older. I sometimes wonder if Andy will be jealous that Ben knows his roots and has contact with his birthfamily. Hopefully they can help each other with those issues when they’re older.

Of the five infants we’ve adopted; three have been closed with the exchange of information (some more than others); and two have been limited semi-open with the exchange of updates and photos several times the first year, and annually for the next few years. I know that many agencies have their own set standard as to what should be in any adoption, but I feel they make mistakes in assuming everyone involved should be fully open. I respect that some individuals have great open adoptions; but I’ve also read, heard and spoken with those who’ve had open adoptions, and sorely wished this had not been the case. In considering whether we’d agree to any situation that required 18yrs of letters/photos through the agency, I consulted with our already grown children who were adopted as infants. (Note: For one, the info about extended family and such was greatly detailed. Still, to this day, this person has had no desire to search, despite the fact all that would be required is basically the touch of the computer key.)

I asked both of our already grown kids how they felt about open adoptions and semi-open requiring the exchange or sending of letters/photos to a birthmother for 18yrs. Both of them disliked the notion completely. Their comments included thanking us for NOT participating in such an agreement, because, they said….”It violates (would have violated) our privacy!!!!” Up to that point, I’d never considered that. It never dawned on me that grown kids would concern themselves with ‘where/who/why/when photos of themselves would be shared, copied, posted, etc.’ And yet, those are the words they used. Because of their comments, we continue to stand by our views to NOT enter into any such promise with anyone.

I realize from the get-go that limits us in how quickly we might be chosen by a biological mom; but, standing in this belief is right for us. I continue to believe most of the agreements made by biological parents are done because agencies encourage them to do so. By doing this, agencies can almost guarantee their doors will stay open in order to facilitate the exchanges. Further, I find it sad agencies/attorneys make this a requirement in order to enlist with their agency. Some agencies go so far as to turn couples down who won’t sign something guaranteeing this agreement.

Tags: adoptee, adoption forum, closed adoptions, open adoption, open adoptions

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