As a young adoptee, my ten year old daughter (adopted at the age of five) has been faced with the task of explaining adoption from time to time, to her friends. This is a topic she and I have spoken about several times and will continue to discuss as she grows up. I feel very strongly that we, as parents of adopted children, should empower them to be able to answer questions about adoption and educate the people they come in contact with.
This past weekend, she had two sleepovers. She had one friend spend the night on Friday and then a different friend spend the night on Saturday. My older daughter (age 13) also had sleepovers those same nights so we had a full and fun house this weekend! 
After her friend left today (Sunday), she and I hung out and rehashed the weekend. One of the things she told me was about an incident that came up Saturday afternoon. It seems she and her friend were playing with her Barbie dolls and they were pretending that their dolls had each adopted a child.
My daughter and her friend each had a mother and a child doll that they were playing with and speaking for. While the “mothers” were having coffee, the “children” were playing. One of the “children” (the doll that belonged to my daughters friend-who is not adopted) told the other “child” (the doll that my daughter was using) that she doesn’t remember her “real” mother.
My daughter told me that she told her friend that she meant her “biological” mother and that her mother that was having coffee was her real mother. She told me that her friend must not have understood because when it came up again, she said the same thing. Again, my daughter corrected her. (Yes, she’s persistent- like her mom!) When it came up again for a third time, she told me she stopped the game so she could explain it to her.
She told her friend that I (meaning me) was her real mother and that she was my real daughter. That when someone adopts a child that child becomes their real child and the parent becomes their real parent.
It must be hard for a child to hear something like that. My daughter and I are very close and for someone to think (especially a friend of hers) that somebody else is her “real’ mother instead of me, just because she was adopted, must hurt her feelings.
I’m so proud of her for speaking up. I also happy that she told me because I had a chance to discuss it with her and tell her how much I loved her. My real daughter.
I love how assertive and aware your daughters are. Their centered-ness says a lot about THEM, about YOU, and about the trusting relationship you have together.
Lori in Denvers last blog post..Show & Tell: Dad’s night
I must say that you’ve done a wonderful job in raising your daughter. I know that you are very proud of her. I know that because she’s my daughter too.
I love you Joanne.
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Thanks Billy & Lori! Both of you know what it’s like to be parents of an adoptee and watch your child have to handle issues that other children don’t have to. The little girl she was playing with wasn’t adopted and I think Jacqueline was first adopted person she ever was friends with. From what I see so far, this current generation of adoptees may be the ones to dispel the old stereotypes of adoptive parents not being “real”.
…this current generation of adoptees may be the ones to dispel the old stereotypes of adoptive parents not being “real”… –Joanne
Just because a person gives ‘birth’, doesn’t automatically make them a ‘real parent’ anymore than adopting a child makes the adoptive person a ‘real parent’!
I’ve known a lot of people (some adopted, some not) who felt their ‘real’ parents were those who came along side of them throughout life to guide, direct and ‘raise’ them—and there was no genetic connection between either of them.
Being a REAL parent goes far beyond genetics OR adoption; it’s a term one *earns* for being there through thick or thin; not something inherited from the act of giving birth—or adoption. It’s that ‘earning’ some people have a problem with…thinking their genetics or adoption automatically make them as such and it’s simply not true.
Obviously, your daughter believes/feels you’ve earned that title of ‘real mom’, and that’s her belief and decision to make, regardless of what anyone else might think or believe. I”m glad she tried to educate her friend. It’s a grown-up concept and one too few people choose to consider.
I think you should be proud to know she’s given that title to you. It speaks well for any child, whether adopted or biological.
Sincerely,
Linny
I was adopted as a child and both sets of parents are very ‘real’ to me
Heather….that’s great.
I hope that one day my children will not be confronted anymore with people who only think the biological parents are the “real” ones. It doesn’t have to be an either/or type of thing. Like you said, both of them should be thought of as real. But sadly, that doesn’t seem to the the case. My children get the “where are your real parents? question quite often. It bothers them because, to them, I’m real also. I also get similar questions. When people find out my kids were adopted, they’ll ask me if I have any kids “of my own”. I have to tell them that my kids are “my own”.
*sigh*
Maybe one day people will get it.
Sigh…that “real parent” thing drives me crazy. It helps to realize that most people don’t mean anything hurtful by it; they just don’t know any better. My son’s 6 and hasn’t had to deal with anything direct like that, except for the fact that he’s dark skinned and people keep trying to speak Spanish to him (he’s half Indian, not Hispanic).
It sounds like your daughter is a strong, smart kid. Some of that comes from good parenting, of course!