Here is the fifth installment of the adoption interviews we’ve been doing with parents who’ve adopted and those who are still in the process. If you’d like to be included, please leave a comment and I’ll send you the information.
This one is from Linny, who is the co-administrator at our adoption forum. 
People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?
As a young child I knew I wanted to adopt. There was one TV commercial that played a lot when I was very young, and that made me really curious about adoption. My feelings that there are already too many people on the planet and many children/babies awaiting parents played a part in this. And finally, knowing that our family had some genetic issues (early onset of severe arthritis, diabetes) I didn’t feel were fair to pass on to biological children, played a part in wanting to adopt and choosing it as a first option.
What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)?
My husband and I adopted from agencies while we lived overseas in Okinawa, Japan. Our first two babies were born in Korea and Japan. Years later, we adopted older children through the foster care system—three CC boys in two separate adoptions. Years after that, we returned to domestic infant adoption and have adopted three AA babies in three separate adoptions over the last six years.
Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?
Adopting internationally was something we took advantage of because we lived overseas. We went with adoption through the foster system, because, frankly, we felt we couldn’t afford to adopt any other way (we were wrong)…and we were always up front about this. We went back to domestic, transracial infant adoption, because we found out that it WAS possible to afford this type of adoption, as well as being totally disenchanted with older child adoption from the problems we encountered. Was it as we expected? The process: Ridiculously long and redundant by having to have tons of homestudies—over the years— by different agencies, that really could have been ‘copied’ to a great degree and simply added to. Was it as we expected? Adoption in general: Older child adoption–never as we had hoped. Mainly ‘nightmarish’ in our experiences. Infant adoption—wonderful.
What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?
Our experiences in older child adoption would take a very long time to write about and explain in entirety. Let’s just say that we were much too gullible in taking the first placement through an agency, and trusted the system far too much. In a nutshell, the first older child was fraudulently presented to us and vital information was withheld from us what would have made a huge difference in our decision to adopt him.
After four years and living with a child that presented dangerous behaviors to himself and others—our first older adopted child went into residential. After three years there, he had to be moved (request of the facility because he was too impulsive and aggressive) to another facility. After three years at the next facility, he was moved to yet, another facility where he resides to this day. He is now an adult and will, at some point, be able to walk out. He has changed in his behaviors–very, very little from the point we knew him at six years of age.
The next two older children lived with us for almost seven years until one decided to engage in very dangerous and illegal behaviors. He was a danger to our other children and was charged, arrested and convicted. We refused to allow him to come back into our home to endanger the younger children. We were prepared to separate our family if need be; in order to keep the younger children safe.
After many months and court battles (and a lot of $$ for our own attorney), the system realized he was dangerous and quite likely to behave this way again. They allowed us to sign him back over; and within one month, he went into a specialized residential facility. The third older child was so traumatized by the actions of the older one, he went to live part time with relatives. This part-time turned into full time and hence, he is adopted by these relatives. We continue to see him frequently and he is doing alright. We overcame the above obstacles with a lot of Faith in the Lord, support from relatives, counselors and friends. The last event (mentioned above) took a real toll that has taken a couple of years to really re-coup.
Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?
Yes, we had support from friends and family—especially with the first two adoptions. In adopting through the system, there were several of each who felt we were taking a big risk (and sadly, they were correct). In deciding to adopt infants again…..our parents were hesitant, thinking we were too old and had been through enough emotionally. However, when we brought our babies home, they were quite happy for us and have been involved with our children.
Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?
I think the process is ridiculously redundant. There are a lot of steps that overlap and take too much time. I think once a homestudy is performed by one agency, it is silly for the state to have to completely re-do another, instead of simply updating the material that’s already been written about!
I feel that too many adoptive couples—as well as society at large, believe adoption is ‘less than’ birth. I think our society continues to believe that ‘adoption’ is something that should only be perused once fertility is ruled out. I think this is too narrow minded. And, I believe that some agencies don’t interview and screen their hopeful adoptive couples well enough before allowing them to adopt—especially when the couple chooses to adopt transracially.
Do I think these changes will ever come to be? No. Our society values ‘birth’ too much, having the mindset that ‘when one gives birth, one is automatically a good parent’. This is why the foster care system children languish too long before permanency is found. I also think that too many insurance companies pay for extensive infertility treatments and such; but offer little to nothing for the couple who incur thousands of dollars to adopt. I find this unfair to adoptive couples…and not sure so much $$ should be applied for infertility treatments either.
Finally, I think adoption is too much of a business in money making for the wrong people and wrong reasons. In my thinking, there should/would be no such thing as ‘match money’ from the hopeful adoptive couple. Fees would only be paid for the actual paperwork, no living expenses for any birthparents, and absolutely no money paid until the baby was completely freed for adoption. With this, I think a lot of pressure to birthparents and broken hearts from the same and adoptive couples would be greatly reduced.
As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?
Our first baby was adopted over 25yrs ago. Our last baby came to us over six months ago. The conversations, beliefs and feelings are the same. We think any challenges adopted individuals face have a lot to do with the attitudes and feelings the adoptive parents have set before ‘them’ while they were growing up. We’ve always told our children they were adopted long before they could even understand what the word meant. We’ve always told them that when they are adults, they are free to search and seek out to meet any biological connections. We’ve always told them that we will give any assistance to help them connect with these people. And finally, the most spoken phrase and attitude we’ve expressed to our children is that ‘Adoption is just as—if not more special and important—than being birthed.’
Parenting is parenting. Good parenting is good parenting. If a couple perceive adoption as second best, I fear they will treat their adopted children as such. I think if they value and see their adopted child as a child ‘just as important, if not more so, than birthed’….then that child will more than likely grow up to be self-confident and secure concerning their perspective on ‘being adopted’.
Tags: adoption forum, domestic infant adoption, foster care system, Older Child Adoption, Transracial Adoption
