Here are the first two, in what will become a series of interviews with adoptive and waiting parents, that I did through e-mail and on our adoption forum. In an effort to show the many paths adoption can take, I’ll try and choose two that pursued adoption in different ways. If you’re interested in participating (the more the merrier), please e-mail me at joannegreco AT gmail.com.
1) Somebunniesmom from our adoption forum.
People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?
Miscarriages, unexplained infertility. Honestly, adoption was not something we wanted. Our interest was aroused when an opportunity to adopt an infant was presented to us after so many years of failing to achieve a successful pregnancy.
What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?
Our first attempt to adopt a child was a private adoption of a mixed race unborn infant. I expected it to be a simple, relatively smooth and inexpensive process. The baby was born early and died. I was not expecting that. The lawyer fees, while not terribly expensive, were non-refundable. I was not expecting to pay money and walk away empty-handed. I was not expecting the grief that followed, for a baby that I never had any contact with — I didn’t realize how much I had been thinking of him or her as mine.There were two more failed private adoptions, which led me to lose faith in the adoption process. There were too many losses, too much pain. I decided if I were ever going to pursue adoption again, it would have to involve children that were already born, healthy, and had no birth parents. The adoption that was successful for us was an international adoption of twin girls, born in South East Asia (international, siblings, transracial). It wasn’t the adoption we intended when we began our adoption journey, but it was the adoption we ended up with somehow, and somehow it was exactly the one that was perfect for us. I had thought international adoption was out of our means. I was not enthusiastic about the process, I expected failure by this point. The homestudy was emotionally difficult, but relatively easy to accomplish. The paperwork went smoothly with only one glitch that was easily corrected. But I still expected failure, so much so that as I boarded the plane I was expecting to not return. When we returned to our home airport with babies in our arms, I couldn’t stop crying, because it was a moment I thought would never happen for us.
What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?
I could not understand why our attempts at adoption kept failing. I am not sure how I managed to overcome the fear and pain and keep moving forward. It was a lot like falling from a cliff. Each bump and jolt hurt, and I prayed it would be the last, or that I would just die so I wouldn’t feel anything anymore, but gravity kept pulling me along to more jolts and bumps, and there was nothing I could do to stop it or protect myself until I reached the end of it. In the end, I felt ruined and finished. It was my husband who was not ready to give up.
Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?
There was not much support during any phase of the journey and it was lonely and painful. It seemed that the people I wanted most to understand and support me, where the ones that had the least to give. No one in my circle of family or friends understood what it was like to want a child and not have one, or come so close and have it pulled out from under you repeatedly. The comments and advice were like punches in the face. My husband’s family was looking forward to his biological children carrying on the family blood line. Our adopting a child crashed that dream for them, and they had a difficult time accepting that we were giving up on trying to conceive. The support that came was small and slow, and didn’t start to grow until after the children were home, and people started accepting them as reality.
Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?
I think historically, adoption has earned a bad reputation, and over the years we have learned how to raise adopted children in an emotionally, mentally and physically healthier way, and this is improving how adopted children are perceived and received in modern society. I believe this is going to continue to improve, as adoption becomes more widespread, and accepted as one of the normal ways to build a family.
As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?
I definitely believe life for adoptees is improving, and I credit the adoptees before them that have spoken out about their experiences and are working to help adoptive parents better raise their children. There are several questions about my children’s personal history that have no answers, and I worry sometimes about how this will effect them when they reach an age that this may matter to them. I have built my reputation with my children of being open, honest and truthful, in order for them to trust me, and hope they will come to me when they have something they need to work through. I will always try to help them find the answers they seek, and to find peace with those things that have no answers. They are the best things that ever happened to me, and I pledge myself to be the best I can be for them.
2) Shannon who blogs at Peter’s Cross Station.
People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?
We decided to become parents and adoption was our favorite option for doing it.
What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?
We chose domestic, transracial adoption and it chose us back. Our preference was an open adoption so we needed to keep it domestic. Since we are a same-sex couple we couldn’t do international adoption anyway, unless we closeted our relationship. (International programs sometimes let singles adopt, but not same-sex couples.) We also needed to work with an agency with experience working with same-sex couples and the best choice for us was an agency that exclusively handles placement of African American and biracial babies. We are white, so this was a transracial placement. We were more comfortable adopting an African American infant than we would have been adopting internationally anyway, because we are well versed in African American culture and history and have plenty of friends who can be role models for our child. This wouldn’t come as easily with an international adoption. So we preferred our choice, but it also happened to be the best route open to us.
What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?
We didn’t face many obstacles beyond the usual adoption bureaucracy.
Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?
We had lots of support from our families and friends. Everyone was anxiously waiting for our daughter to arrive and thrilled when she finally did!
Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?
There are many ways I’d change adoption laws to favor children first, then birth parents and quite last, adoptive (and prospective) parents. The current system seems to seek the satisfaction of the adoptive (or prospective) parents first and foremost as if they are customers paying for a commodity—a baby. Adoption law claims to put the best interests of the child above all things but this isn’t true in practice. Birth parents also get lost in agencies’ and other adoption professionals’ attempts to please the adoptive parents. I realize this is not perfectly true in every single case. There are exceptions of course, but this seems to be the rule in healthy infant adoption, at least. If I could make just one rule, it would be to illegalize any adoption service that is for-profit.
As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than that of adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?
My daughter is bound to struggle with multiple issues—being adopted, being transracially adopted, being the child of same-sex parents and being a Black woman in a culture that views Black women with near contempt. I trust the adopted piece of her puzzle will be indeed easier to sort out than it would have been in the bad old days of closed adoption, secrecy and shame. But there are new difficulties now. My daughter will have a complicated life and as a parent, it will be my job to give her the emotional security, the self-confidence and the education to wrestle with those complications in productive ways.
Thank you Shannon and somebunniesmom for participating.
adoption, adoptive parents, adoptive parenting, adopt, adopting
Related Posts:
- Adoption Interviews: Fourth Installment
- Adoption Interviews: second installment
- Adoption Interviews: third installment
- Adoption Interview: Fifth Installment
- Support From Family And Friends While Adopting
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