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Teenage Adoptees "We’re Okay!"
A Portland based adoption agency runs a support group for teenage adoptees, and while not all the teens participating are members of transracial families, many of them are, and that topic is a big part of the discussions. That the teens would be talking about the subject doesn’t surprise adoption experts because transracial and transcultural adoptions is a topic of interest and study nationwide. In fact, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New York City, a nonprofit adoption advocacy and research organization, completed the first national survey of transcultural adoption and identity. When you’re of one race and your parents are of a different one, just walking down the street with your family can feel like the whole world knows you’re adopted. That’s one of the things that the teens talked about recently when they gathered to eat pizza, do artwork, and share their thoughts and feelings. “It’s just the odd looks, like when you’re out in public, but you learn to ignore them after a while,” said 14-year-old Tess Kupel of Scarborough, who was born in Vietnam but whose adoptive parents are white. But Tess and the other teens laughed about how the experience can also have an up side. “It’s great because when your parents are being very embarrassing, you can just walk away,” Tess said. “It’s like, ‘No, I don’t know you.”‘ Most teenagers struggle with such questions as “Who am I?” and “How do I fit in — at school, with my family, the world?” For teens who were adopted, however, those difficult questions can take on additional layers of complexity as they wonder about their birth parents and place of origin. That can be particularly true for teens who are members of transracial families, in which they and their adoptive parents are of different races. At their meetings, held twice a month, they can share their thoughts and experiences with other teens who know exactly what they’re going through, because they’re adopted too. Katie Campbell, a social worker who facilitates the group, said it’s needed. “All teenagers need a place where they belong and are really understood, and for adopted teens it’s harder to find that,” she said. The teen adoptees group started meeting last fall and now has enough participants — about 12 — for it to be split into two separate groups, one for youngsters in fifth- through seventh-grade and one for older teens. At their meeting, the teens said that they stand out in predominantly-white Maine and have been called racist names or experienced discrimination. “It’s the look they give you like you don’t belong here,” said Isabelle Wilson, 13, of Bath, who was adopted from Vietnam. The teens said adoptive parents need to prepare their children for such experiences. “If people are color blind, especially in transracial families inside your own home, it does not prepare you for an outer response,” Tess Kupel said. She said that “you start feeling white, especially if you live in a transracial family…only when you get out do you realize, ‘Wow, I’m not white.”‘ Isabelle said parents should support their children at home but let them fight their own battles. “It’s better for them to experience it now than way later when they’re totally not used to it and they don’t have their mom and dad to stick up for them,” she said. The teens also stressed that there is no one single experience for adoptees and that an issue that’s important to one may not matter so much to another. For example, Tess said that she wishes she had kept her Vietnamese name, Hoai Thi, and in the past year she has been asking her teachers at Scarborough Middle School to call her that. But 13-year-old Jin Roberts, who also lives in Scarborough, told the group she envied their Americanized names. Her adoptive parents continued to call her by the first name she had as a baby in China and she said other kids have sometimes teased her about it over the years. “I’ve had a lot of questions about my name that I don’t feel comfortable about answering,” Jin said. The teenagers said adoptive parents should help their children learn about the culture of their birth country but not overdo it. Isabelle said, “You don’t want them to forget their culture but you don’t want to, like, obsess over it. Then you’re making it obvious that you don’t belong here.” Parents of the teens said they are grateful to the agency for providing a place for their children to discuss such issues. Jin’s mother, Christine Kukka, said that “it’s been tremendously empowering for her to have the validation of hearing others who share similar experiences.” Tess’ mother, Becki Kupel, who also has two other children adopted from other countries, said the group gives her daughter an opportunity to connect with others who truly understand her experience. “I can listen to them and love them,” Kupel said of her children. But she said she herself can never really know what it’s like to be adopted and live in a transracial family. And Kim Wilson, Isabelle’s mother, said she appreciates the suggestions the teens wrote for adoptive parents, such as urging them to talk to their children about their birth parents. Wilson said she also feels comforted by the group’s number one message to their adoptive parents: “Stop worrying! We are OK.” The teens involved in the support group (of international adoption) offer the following suggestions to parents who’ve adopted transracially: 2. Don’t make a big deal about adoption issues in public. If someone says something insensitive, be supportive, but do it mostly in private. 3. Adopted kids go through more and grow up a little faster than other kids. We know about teenage pregnancy and poverty and their implications more than other kids. 4. Get as much information as possible about your children’s histories and share it with them. Don’t keep information from us even if it is hard for you to bring it up. It is our information. 5. Teach kids how to stick up for themselves. People will say mean things, show your kids how they should handle it. 6. Our birth culture is very important to us. We feel protective of our culture. It is super important to really know the culture of our biological families, because that is our history. 7. One of our favorite adoption books is “A Mother for Choco.” We still love it! 8. We are not “just Americans” like our parents and others in our communities. 9. Be honest! Don’t hide information, be really open. 10. Prepare to talk about birth parents. We worry about hurting your feelings so we don’t bring it up. 11. No one needs to feel sorry for us. We are happy! 12. Regarding teasing: validate, validate, validate! Don’t say “I’m sure he didn’t mean it.” Don’t try to fix it. Say, “That stinks!” 13. We feel a little sadness on our birthdays. Some of us don’t know the real day and we don’t know the story of our birth. Our birthday represents the day someone left us. Adoption Day is the day someone came to get me. 14. Finally, you often ask us how we feel about being adopted. We want you to think about how YOU feel about us being adopted. For more information, contact the group’s advisor, Katie Campbell, at kcampbe7@maine.rr.com or call the Portland office of MAPS Adoption & Humanitarian Aid at 207-772-3678. The group welcomes questions from parents and other kids and can add them to its e-mail Q & A list. Related Posts: Transracial Adoption, International Adoption Related posts4 CommentsLeave a comment |
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One of my most favourite cousin is adopted.
My family are immigrants from the Philippines here in Canada and my aunt worked as a nurse at a local hospital. She eventually adopted a newly born boy who is caucasian. And he mixed really well with our family. But he did get a few curious stares from time to time.
“The teenagers said adoptive parents should help their children learn about the culture of their birth country but not overdo it.”
Even in non-transracial situations, I think this is a key point for adoptive parents. We must walk the fine line between dwelling on adoption and denying it to allow our kids to have and validate their own experience.
There is some really good advice from these teens — thanks for the post!
This article is very intersting. Does anyone know of any support groups that assist families in delaing with the issues they may face while raising a child of a different color?
Sharon & Lori, thanks for your input.
Brandi, I’m going to post your question.