Talking To Your Child About Adoption

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Over the last several years I’ve met a couple of parents, both online and off, that are waiting for that “right time” to tell their children they were adopted. (Luckily this is not the norm. For most parents, adoption is a topic that is shared and spoken about throughout a childs life.)

I adopted my children at an older age, so they came home knowing they were adopted. But I’ve always been intrigued by parents who adopt infants and don’t grow their child up knowing they were adopted.

These parents will say that they’re child is to young to handle it and they’ll tell them when their older. They want their child to be mature enough to understand adoption. Don’t they think they’re sending the message that adopting is so inferior to having biological children that they had to wait until they were older to tell them? What wrong with growing up adopted? What’s not to handle? Do they think the child is just going to accept that they had been keeping a “secret” all these years? Or is it just that the parents were uncomfortable telling them and are using this as an excuse?

Talking about adoption early in a childs life, provides them the opportunity to accept and integrate the concept of being adopted into their lives at a slower pace. You may not have this opportunity later on, when your child may also have additional issues of why you didn’t trust them with this information sooner. Most research suggests that a child who is adopted will benefit from knowing early on that they were adopted. As they get older and are able to understand more and more, the parents can explain more and more of the details.

Here’s what our adoption forum members had to say about this topic.

It just comes up in conversation. It isn’t something that gets worked in. Example. I have a pic of my mom holding my son at his adoption hearing. He asked me the other day who my mommy was. I showed him the pic and said this is my mommy she is in heaven watching you. I asked if he knew who the baby was and he said “me” I said right she was holding you after your adoption hearing. I told him how much she loved him from the minute we got the call he was going to be our baby. For us it is just a matter of fact. He can tell you he was adopted and grew in my heart - not my tummy. We have no contact with his BMom so I am not sure how much of the concept he gets of everything. We talk about his “Angel” (his Bmom name) who loved him. We choose not to make a big deal about it. When he asks we answer but it isn’t something we just brought up one day it is something that has been an ongoing periodic conversation from the time he came home from the hospital.

Jamie Lee Curtis’ book “Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born” is very helpful in introducing adoption concepts to a very young child.

We read her books and sometimes we just work it into the conversation. She is BEGGING for a sister and tells me to call her birthmother to see if she has anymore. So we explain over and over how it works.

Before my girls were even able to talk, we showed them pictures of our adoption trip, and told their story in basic terms, that has become more detailed as their understanding grows. From the time they were infants, we would always get asked questions by strangers out in public, so we have always tried to be as open and welcoming as possible to give the girls the impression that this is something we are comfortable with, proud of, and willing to talk about. The fact of their adoption is obvious, and we’ve always treated it matter of factly.

How do/will you handle talking to your children about adoption?

Related Tags: adopted, adoptee, adoption, adoptive parents

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7 Comments

Holly Schwendiman, May 25, 2007:

Ug - I hate this idea of control and waiting. My kids have both grown with the knowledge. I never want either of them to be able to pin point a day or time when they “found out” - this is a huge thing and that time would mostly likely fall into the category of troubled adolescent trying to find where they belong. If I were them it would throw me into a tailspin from which I may never recover - I’d suddenly find myself questioning everything and wondering what else about me I don’t know. To each his own, but I’m very happy with my kids never feeling that adoption is an issue or a topic - it’s just natural for them.

Hugs,
Holly
Joanne, May 25, 2007:

I agree. My kids came to us at an older age (5, 8 & 11) so they knew they were adopted but it has become something so natural and something that “just is”…just like their hair color or gender.
Debra Shiveley Welch, February 6, 2008:

My son came home at seven-days-of age. Fifteen years later, I am still in Nursery Nirvana. From the moment I first held him in my arms, I have felt a deep pride in him and how he came to be my son - and he knows it.

We have always discussed adoption naturally and openly, and with great joy. I call him my “Very Special Child” and even wrote a book by that title for him. He is giving a copy of it today as a present to a young girl who is also adopted, because he is proud of it and is proud to share his specialness with others.

In discussing your child’s adoption openly, just like you would discuss your child’s birth had you carried him or her, you make it a common every day thing: I have two eyes, two ears, a nose, I’m adopted, I’m a boy, I live in Ohio….no biggy. On the other hand, by hiding it, you make it seem like something to be ashamed of, something to push to the back of the closet, something that you wish had never happened.

More importantly, you are basing your entire relationship on a lie - a lie of omission. How is your child going to trust you in any other area of life if you have deceived them about the very core of your relationship?

I have a cousin who was adopted and his parents never told him. He found out on his own at age fourteen. He ran away from home and refused to speak to his parents. They reconciled, after a fashion, but their relationship was never the same. My cousin never trusted his parents again.

I say speak of adoption to your child. Show them the pride you have in choosing them out of all of the other children in the world. Encourage them to adopt when they decide to have children. Tell them openly about waiting for them, praying for them and that glorious moment when you finally got THE call. My son knows the story backwards and forwards and loves to tell it to others. When he speaks of it, his face lights up and he smiles. He even wrote a book about it which is coming out soon. Here is a quote from it which I think clearly makes my case:

From “Just Chris”

I am adopted. That feels good. I like being adopted. If it weren’t for my parents, I don’t know what I’d be like. They are here for me. My mom and dad tell me that I am beautiful, so I believe that I am. They tell me I’m a good kid, so I accept that I am. They tell me that I’m loved, so I know that I am.
I have learning differences. Mom says I am not learning disabled, I just learn differently, and that’s okay. I don’t mind having differences. I just want to learn.
Mom says that a child sees themselves in their parent’s eyes. I want to put this poem of my mom’s in here:

I am your mirror. When you look into my eyes,
you see how beautiful you are.
When you enter a room, my heart lifts up to meet you;
a smile of greeting lights me up from within.

I am your mirror. When you look into my eyes,
you see love, as my soul embraces yours,
revealing to you just how wonderful you are:
my friend, my heart, my son.

From “Mirroring”

Mom uses this poem a lot in her interviews. She tells people about adopting special needs kids and that makes me feel good. I know she is so happy that she adopted me and she just wants people to know how it can make them happy too.

Christopher Shiveley Welch
katd, February 6, 2008:

I just found your blog through your comment on mine. What a fantastic source of info your blog is! I am thrilled to have found it, and I can’t believe I haven’t read before.

Our Lily is only 10 months old, but this is something I’ve given some thought to. We have the Jamie Lee Curtis book and “A Mother for Choco,” which is also great, but like others have said, it’s a part of our daily life. We thank God for making us a family every night in our prayers. It doesn’t necessarily define us - it’s just how our family was created. I think being proud of it and very open about it from day one is really important.

Thanks for all the great info - I’m very excited to keep reading!
JHS, February 24, 2008:

Thank you for sharing this post with the readers of this week’s Carnival of Family Life! This week the Spring is Just Around the Corner Edition is hosted at home at Colloquium! Hope you will drop by and read some of the many other wonderful entries received this week!

Interesting, esp. to someone like me who has no experience with this, but I have plenty of friends who do.
Julia Rosien, March 2, 2008:

Thanks for submitting a great article to the March 2008 Mom’s Blogging Carnival. You can see your story and all the others at:

http://www.gogirlfriend.com/reviews/moms-blogging-carnival-2-7760
Jessie, May 1, 2008:

Thanks for entering this post in the carnival. Great topic to cover. The Jamie Lee Curtis book is one of my favorites!

Jessies last blog post..Adoption Journey Blog Carnival- May Edition