Adoption Support at Forever Parents

Adoption Homestudy

Danielle commented in the adoption homestudy post and I wanted to give her, and anybody else who may have the same concerns, some thoughts and ideas that may help.She said:

We want to adopt someday, but I am terrified of this process. Given all they look at in the homestudy (which is pretty much everything having to do with anything in your life), how on earth can average people be confident that they will pass? I have worked with children at risk, and I have been around enough social workers to know how they judge people for certain things (A lot of things, actually). I just don’t know how people do this if, say, they are on their second marriage, or perhaps had to take depression meds at one point in their lives, or perhaps at some point had an illness. None of these things make you a bad person, but social workers think what they think.Then, there’s the fact that they interview you about your childhood, your day-to day routines, and how you parent your existing children. You can’t help what your childhood was like, and day to day routines and parenting methods greatly vary among people anyway- what if the social worker doesn’t agree with something? Lord knows, women fight over these things all the time, and they get brutal about it, too…
I totally understand that it’s all worth it to get one step closer to your child. Pregnancy was no picnic, either, and in the end, it was all worth it to get her- so I can imagine the same things relate when you adopt. It just all seems so impossible, that’s all. Sorry for the rant.

I think every person that goes through an adoption homestudy feels that way. It is intrusive and stressful at times. Our caseworker was outstanding and she was on our side throughout the whole process. I would love to think that most adoption caseworkers are like that.Danielle, I brought your concerns to the Forever Parents adoption forums and here’s what some of our members wanted to share with you.

Linny: Everyone’s life is full of valleys and high points. Life wouldn’t be life without it. None of us are guaranteed to live on the light side, or feel like we’ve constantly had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps to make it one more day. But, the biggest question I think that has to be answered in the end is: “How did we deal with all of those aspects of our lives?”How’d we put A and B together in order to get to C? Did we fall apart through ALL of it; OR, did we fall apart, take a deep breath and start searching for resources? Did we simply let some things ‘go’, because we knew we did our best and went on with life, or did we spend years trying to find ways to redeem ourselves to the point of forgetting what the problem was in the first place? Do you see what I mean?

Yes, there are always awful caseworkers out there…and my family has known a few. But, there are always ways to ask for another caseworker, or even go to another agency who will fully understand life and what’s involved in making a good parent.

Good and approved homestudies don’t require that people be perfect, or have even and ‘no-stress’ lives. They require people who’ve shown that they can get through tough periods of their lives….people who have shown they can take the meds they had to take, or get the counseling they needed in order to go on with life productively. Poor homestudies would include folks who’ve shown they consistently couldn’t get their act together; or have ignored symptoms or issues that needed to be focused on.Most people who show they have been able to go on with life - taking the time to acquire any helps and resources they needed in order to deal with whatever the case may be - are able to have a good homestudy. It’s really not that hard…and believe me, my family has been through some very unusual situations that had to be dealt with! Still, we have a good homestudy and were able to adopt many times. I hope this helps in some way.

Faith: The bottom line is that social workers WANT to approve hopeful adoptive parents. That is the best result for all involved. A positive spin is that they want to bring together loving families. A cynical spin is that the agency wants the profit. Either way, the social worker WANTS to approve you.Yes, a social worker needs to make sure that you will provide a safe and loving home. However, you don’t have to be perfect to adopt. Your past is not as important as your present.

Lori: Think about adoption — or any other big undertaking — as a drive across town. Do you lament all the red lights you might encounter? You don’t wait to leave until all the lights turn green, because that just doesn’t happen — you’d never leave the house. Instead, you drive, and eventually, the lights turn green as you get to them. Sometimes you wait. Sometimes you detour. Sometimes there are obstacles that you have to find creative routes around. And yes, sometimes you don’t end up where you aimed to go. But the risk of red lights don’t stop you from taking the journey.

Robin: I was afraid too. I had things in my family’s past I didn’t want to come out and I was sure would be the roadblock that would prevent a successful adoption. The homestudy is more about you, who you are, what kind of home you can provide for a child, and less about where you come from and what your childhood was like. It is more about the present and what future you can provide than about the past. My family’s past was not an obstacle to adopting a child, however, if you are feeling this kind of anxiety, you may need to make peace with that which is haunting you. Although it may not effect your qualifications to adopt, you may still want to put some energy into addressing the issues that worry you and try putting them to rest. Emotionally, and mentally it will help make you a better parent.

Danielle, I hope what we’ve shared helped to put your mind at ease. My husband & I were no angels when we started the homestudy process. But we found that because we adopted older children, our wild past was actually viewed as one of our strengths. They felt that it would help us in dealing with the issues these children usually come with. They weren’t looking for perfect people, they were looking for people who took responsibility for themselves. Please share any other questions or concerns you have and we’ll do our best to share our experiences. Your also welcome to join our adoption forums if you’d like.

**originally posted in 2007-updated in 2008**

Related Posts:

1. Adoption Homestudy
2. Couple Adopts Sibling Group of Eight
3. Adoption Profile Tips
4. Our Adoption Story: Part One
5. Adoption Poems