Adoption Support at Forever Parents

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder

My husband, our son ‘C’ and our friends go to Daytona every year for the Rolex race. The friends they go with are my childrens former foster brother (who got adopted soon after them) and his father. ‘C’ always enjoy himself while he’s there. It’s when he comes back that there’s a problem.

The day after we go anywhere, he’s usually very argumentative, short tempered and does a lot of crying. This behvaior is typical for him after we do something out of sync with our routine or he’s in an unfamiliar place or situation.

When he’s like this, he very easily reverts back to his old behaviors and disregards everything he’s learned up to this point. He spent the day after they came home, arguing, pouting, crying and being very disruptive to the rest of us. I told him to stay in the back yard play area, which has the trampoline, playset and the bikes so I could keep an eye on him and make sure he stays away from my younger two. I also like to keep him near the physical stuff when he’s like this so he has a way to work it out if he chooses to. He’d much rather wallow in self pity and keep telling himself how bad he is though.

I stayed outside in the back yard for the most part, just cleaning and gardening. He basically ignored me, kept his head down and sulked. After about 10 minutes I saw him leave the play area without permission (which is where I told him to stay) and go inside, where my youngest daughter was. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he wanted to get something. **deep breathe** I asked him if he remembered what I had just told him 10 minutes earlier. He said yes, that I told him to stay in the play area. At this point I want nothing more than to say “Okay, no big deal” and just let him go inside.

But I can’t.

A child with attachment disorder sees the world very different than we do. They learn early on not to trust adults. It doesn’t matter how much love we show him. They believe the only way to stay safe is to push all adults away, especially any adults who try to show them love. Control is the thing that drives them and they use defiance, manipulation, violence to keep you away.

So at this point, I have two choices…walk away and show him that I’m not strong enough to handle him (in his mind, that I can’t take care of him) or finish what I started.

Past experience with ‘C’ has taught me that this stage is where it goes from bad to worse. This is the stage where he has broken doors, chairs and hurt himself.
But, the good news is (yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel!) that I’ve been working with him on moving forward. I’ve been trying to show him that although he didn’t do as I asked him to (which is one of his two rules, the other being respect everyone in the house) the rest of the week doesn’t have to go downhill. That he can, apologise, offer restitution and move forward instead of raging, crying and dragging himself as far down as he can go. That he actually has a choice. It’s been so hard for him to grasp that it doesn’t have to be this way.

So….
Very calmly I remind him that he broke one of his two rules.
Very calmly, he apologised.

So far, so good.

I told him that because he didn’t do as I asked, I wanted him to sweep the cemented area of the front and back yard. At this point, he usually will rage for the next 2-3 days and then sweep. I felt myself basically holding my breath, hoping that all the work we’ve been doing will get him through the next few minutes.

He picked up the broom and went to work.
I went inside and cried.
Sometimes you just have to release it.

Facts about RAD:
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a psychological disorder that occurs during the first two years of life when a child does not attach and bond properly to their primary caregiver. Fundamental processes do not occur resulting in on-going rage, fear of attaching to anyone, lack of trust, an unusual effort to control everything in their lives, a lack of self worth, and an inability to fully comprehend cause and effect.Attachment-disordered children are guided only by what they want at the moment. Their focus is self-centered and there is no concern for how their behavior impacts others. Behavior and attitude is similar to those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

Children with RAD will not love you until they can trust you. They will test you over and over to see if you mean what you say…to prove that you are trustworthy.

RAD behavior is often an effort to feel safe. What they’re trying to do is prove that no one is strong enough to be in control of them. They make efforts over and over to prove that you can’t control them, which then reinforces their fear that no one is strong enough to keep them safe.

Children with RAD either avoid forming personal relationships (the inhibited or unattached type) or they seem overly friendly to everyone, without making any distinctions between their parents and strangers (the uninhibited or indiscriminate type). In both cases, there is no real trust. The children treat other people either as threats to be avoided or as suckers to be fooled and manipulated.

After he swept, we talked about change and choices and moving forward. ‘C’ is just at the very beginning stages of wanting to change. The next 6-12 months will be tough for him, just like last year was for ‘S’.

Changing behaviors and thought processes are never easy but they’re extremely scary for hurt children. They believe that if they get close to someone, something bad will happen, that they will be hurt or possible even die. Their life depends on staying emotionally detached.

In some ways, he’s made a lot of progress, in other ways, he’s made none at all. My goal with him right now to to stop the rages and the explosions. The more I can keep him rational and calm, the better off he is.

One step at a time.

Related Tags: reactive attachment disorder, attachment disorder, adopting older children, foster care

This post is part of the adoption round-up

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1. Reactive Attachment Disorder
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