Adoption Support at Forever Parents

Adoption Interviews: third installment

Here is the third installment in our series of interviews with adoptive and waiting parents that I did through e-mail and on our adoption forum. In an effort to show the many paths adoption can take, I’ll try and choose two that pursued adoption in different ways or are at different stages in their adoption journey. If you’re interested in participating (the more the merrier), please e-mail me at joannegreco AT gmail.com. To read past interviews, click “adoption interviews” in the sidebar”.

1) The first is from Tracy who blogs at The Trials and Tribulations of Trace in Adoption La-La Land* People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

It’s kind of long and strange but I’ll try to explain. My husband and I have infertility because he was born w/a birth defect. When we were engaged I remember my mother-in-law telling me that the doctor who repaired the defect told her that he may or may not have fertility problems and I didn’t care. I love my husband and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Plus, having children seemed so far away, like something ‘grown ups’ did. I was only a recent college graduate and still in the party phase that so often occurs during that period. We never used birth control, he went on for a graduate degree, life was busy and full but we decided that we wanted to start a family. We had a pretty good idea after 7 years that something was wrong (although we did try the fertility monitors and we had sex during my peak times). Our first stop was a urologist to get my hubby (Sweetness in blog world) tested and we learned that he is not producing any sperm (AT ALL). For me it was almost liberating (sort of) to learn that because it allowed me to turn myself totally over to adoption and not hope that we got pregnant each time we had sex, but for Sweetness it was difficult. He has known for a long time that he might be infertile, but knowing definitively has been hard for him. Infertility is opening discussed by women, but hardly ever w/men. We did discuss donor insemination, and Sweetness said that he was ok w/it, but I never felt like he really was. If he was the one who brought it up and seriously approached me about it I would have been willing to go that route. I think I’m a little different than most women in that pregnancy isn’t that important to me because if have a few health conditions of my own and they could be exacerbated by pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

* What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

We had many long discussions and did a lot of soul searching. We realized that we had to be completely honest with ourselves and each other. For example, neither of felt comfortable embracing the Chinese culture so we knew an adoption from China was not for us. Initially we wanted to pursue international adoption and chose Russia, but Russia changed their rules. At first we would be able to adopt a 6 month old, but they moved the age range to 9 months. I really felt that was too long in an orphanage and THAT was out of my comfort zone. So we made the decision to go forward w/a domestic adoption. The adoption agency we chose is run by an adoption lawyer who was adopted and they tout their heavy advertising and say that because of their heavy advertising it takes months instead of years. He told us it would take between 7-11 months for an expectant mother to select us. June marked month 10. To put it bluntly, the majority of domestic adoption is marketing and I knew that we are somewhat attractive so I wasn’t overly concerned. Now 10 months later I find myself wondering what’s wrong with us, questioning why we haven’t been selected, and asking myself if we should switch to an adoption coordinator. I have begun to be proactive and have been sending our profile and home study to adoption agencies that don’t charge any or minimal fees unless we are selected by one of their clients.

* What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Hmmm, obstacles? I mentioned the fertility exploration that we did. It was very upsetting for my husband to learn about his infertility. He was depressed about it for a few months.

The other obstacle was an adoption scam. I said that we have been doing this for 10 months, well that’s not totally true. We originally started the adoption quest in November 2006. We were selected right away. She was having a baby girl due January 11 via C section. She said she got pregnant through a one night stand, she was healthy, no medical issues, caucasion, and no alcohol or drugs. The only catch was that she was homeless and we had to totally support her. We are lucky in that we don’t have any financial worries. We were able to take out a home equity loan to fund everything. One by one everything she told us turned out to be false. Yes, she was pregnant, but the social worker at the adoption agency went to the obstetrician w/her and learned that the baby was due in April, the baby was a boy, and the baby was bi-racial. EVERYTHING she had told turned out to be false. It didn’t feel right and we back out of the match. It was the most difficult decision we have ever faced because in essence we were turning down a baby boy. We were devastated and decided to move so we took a 3 month hiatus from adoption. During our hiatus we learned that she was an adoption scammer and she was being prosecuted. I am testifying against her. Our adoption agency dropped her after we backed out.

* Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

My parent’s opinions have always mattered to me. If they hadn’t supported me would I have chosen a different route? I can’t say, but I don’t think so. Lucky for us we have total support. Both of our families CANNOT WAIT for us to start a family. Both of our parents are anxiously awaiting the day that they become grandparents. We are lucky that our families are very liberal and I have no doubt that they will love whoever we bring into our lives.

* Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

I have had people say that they don’t know how a woman can “give away” her baby and I don’t know how to make people understand that she isn’t giving away her child. She realizes that at this time in her life she cannot parent that baby for whatever reason and I think she is making her first decision as a mother. That decision shows more love than people realize. People also don’t understand that the babies mother is just that his/her mother. I will be her mother too. People just don’t get that. They think that because she chose adoption she is not a mother. NOT TRUE. Again, I think that if someone makes an adoption plan they are doing the ultimate selfless (and mature) act because she realizes that at this point in her life she isn’t in a position to parent. Will the general population eventually understand that? Probably not. People that aren’t familiar with adoption or are to closed minded don’t.

* As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than that of adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Hmmm, I don’t know our childs life will be easier as an adoptee. It may or may not define him/her. I think that is person dependant. I do know that it is our duty as adoptive parents is to find out as much as humanly possible about our babies mother, or keep in touch with her (even if it’s through the adoption agency) so they can meet when the time is right. It is also our duty to assist in any heritage exploration, support the decision if he/she wants to meet their first mother, make sure it’s not a taboo subject so our child doesn’t feel guilty if he/she wants to meet or explore, and most importantly NOT to feel insecure about it.

The second one of from Jody who blogs at ND Foster Mom* People decide to adopt for many different reasons. What led you to adoption?

My husband and I knew from day 1 when we started dating that the chances of conceiving a biological child were very slim. There are infertility issues on his side of the family and after being diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 18, I was told my chances of having a biological child were slim. Knowing all of this we still felt we needed to try to have a biological child and we needed to hear a doctor say that it wouldn’t happen. We went thru numerous infertility treatments and finally decided that it wasn’t meant to be. After my second diagnosis of cervical cancer, we took a break from everything and concentrated on our relationship and then looked into other ways we could start our family.

* What type of adoption(s) are you/did you pursue (international, siblings, transracial, open, etc)? Was it what you had intended to pursue all along? Was the process what you thought it would be?

We attended an infant adoption information meeting in 2004 and decided that probably wasn’t the best option for us at that time. We were not completely comfortable with the idea of an open adoption at that point in our lives. We then looked into our local Foster/Adopt program and in Sept 2005 became a licensed foster home.

In Jan 2006 we had a 13 month old little girl placed with us. After being notified of her upcoming TPR court date, we hired a lawyer and even tried to make a “semi” open adoption plan with the birth mom. However, in the end, the birth mom felt that she was better off with some of her friends and thru lots of lying and manipulation (and that’s exactly what the birth mom and her friend’s lawyers did) we lost “our” little girl. This was very difficult for us. We have since moved on and know that the Lord had a bigger plan for us as parents. We currently have a sibling group placed with us as a foster care/pre-adoptive placement with TPR scheduled for July. We have learned a great deal from our first experience and know that things can change in a heartbeat.

As far as what we had intended to pursue ~ we were looking for young children. I guess originally we wanted no one older than 3 years of age. The two children that we have in our home currently are 4 & 6 (soon to be 5 & 7). We are a young couple and wanted to be able to experience all the “first’s” that come with being parents for the first time. We also were not sure how many of the “issue’s” we could deal with that usually come with adopting/fostering older children. However, when we received the call for our kids we currently have, we couldn’t turn them down. Deep down we knew these children were meant to be with us. Was the process what we thought it would be? Nope. It’s a hundred times more stressful! You constantly are in limbo as to what will happen the next day, the next hour. Sometimes I dread the phone ringing.

* What obstacles, if any, are you/did you face along the way? How did you overcome them?

Our biggest obstacle and the reason we turned to the Foster/Adopt program was the cost of adoption. We realize it costs money to have kids in foster care / to do everything it takes to have an adoption finalized but at what point will the cost quit going up. Afterall, it’s illegal to “sell” kids, right? I think this is the main obstacle that forces many people to decide NOT to adopt. It can be tough. Especially for the younger couples just starting out. We were 25 & 31 when we first starting looking into adoption and even today we don’t have that kind of money. Adopting thru our local AASK program is considerably cheaper.
Another obstacle was our (or should I say MY) family. It took them longer to be ok with our decision to quit fertility treatments and look at adoption. Not that we were waiting for them to say “OK, you can adopt now”, but we are a very close family and deep down, I needed their blessing and to know that they wouldn’t treat our children differently than any of my nieces and nephews.

* Do/did you have the support of family and friends during your adoption journey? If not, how did it affect you? If yes, how important was it to you?

At first, my parents couldn’t understand why we were “giving up” on a biological child. My hubby’s dad was all for us adopting. After MANY conversations with my mom, she finally began to understand where we were coming from. Having never dealt with infertility issues, she just didn’t understand how much stress it puts on a person / marriage and I think she felt like I was “settling” for an adoptive child. Although I can’t conceive a child in the “normal” way, we never went as far as IVF and I think my mom wanted to be sure that we had thought thru all of our option. We now have the full support of both families and they are proud of us for what we are doing. They have been there thru all of our highs and lows and are a great support system for us. This means so much to us. The thought did cross our minds about whether or not our families would accept our adopted children as part of the family but they have proved to us that they will by how they have accepted the foster children that have come thru our home.

* Generally speaking, if you could change something about adoption or how it is perceived, what would it be and why? Do you think that change will ever come to be?

If I could change one thing about adopting thru the foster care system (as this is how we are going about it) is that the courts would look more at what is in the best interest of the child – not what is in the best interest of the biological parents. There’s a reason these children are in foster care and if the bio parents are being involuntarily TPR’d why do they get a say in what happens with the child? Just my opinion. I really don’t believe it will ever change though.

* As the parent (or parent-to-be) of an adoptee/s, what challenges do you think they will face as they grow up? Will life be easier for them than adoptees before them? How will you help them with any issues that they may face?

Speaking about the kids we currently have in our home, I think one of the major challenges they will face as they grow up is being able to understand that we truly do love them and want them in our family. They do not know the meaning of love and I think this will be tough for them to learn to let their guard down and allow themselves to love us without the fear of being hurt. Being pulled from their home at the ages of 5 & 3, they were old enough to understand that they weren’t living with “mom” anymore. They then spent 1 year in a foster home that was not a good match for them and then were placed with us. Thankfully, this SHOULD be their last move. I also think that they may have friends that ask them questions as they do not look like us and wonder why? We will help them face these challenges by always keeping an open line of communication with them. They are old enough to know that they are being adopted and what that means. We will support them as they grow up and when/if the day comes that they decide to look for their bio parents, we will support them in that endeavor.

Thank you both for participating. Related Tags: adoptive parenting, adoptive parents, adopting, adoption interviews

Related Posts:

1. Adoption Interviews: Fourth Installment
2. Adoption Interviews: second installment
3. Adoption Interviews
4. May Is National Foster Care Month
5. Support From Family And Friends While Adopting