Adoption Support at Forever Parents

Blending Biological And Adopted Children

People come to adoption for many reasons and infertility is only one of them, although society seems to think it’s the only reason. It’s like people can’t believe that someone would pick adoption as their first choice. Many parents blend adoptive and biological children in the family. I myself come from a blended family. My parents adopted my brother when I was eight.

Lisa Van Houten and her husband Craig Fraser are just like any expecting parents — excited, anxious and busy making preparations. And like other parents, they are uncertain exactly when their new bundle of joy will be arriving — but their circumstances are different.

The couple are currently waiting to find out when they can travel to China to adopt their fourth child, a daughter they’ve already named Catherine.

Five years ago, when Van Houten was two months pregnant with their eldest son, Christopher, the couple decided to begin the process of adopting from China.

“We wanted to build our family quickly,” said Fraser with a laugh. “We had friends who had adopted two girls — and now have a boy — from China. And we were interested in finding out more. We attended a seminar at the Mount, put on by Children From China. We weren’t halfway back to the car when we decided to go for it.”
A year and a half later, they travelled to China and brought home their daughter, Leilia. As it turned out, Leilia and Christopher are only 31?2 months apart. “It’s like having twins, but not having that infant stage where you have to juggle them,” said Van Houten.

Four years ago, the process took 16 months from when their paperwork arrived in China to when they received a referral. This time, it looks like it could be 18 months. All their necessary paperwork arrived in China in February 2006.

“We’re hoping to hear word this summer,” said Van Houten, a literacy leader with the Halifax Regional School Board. But based on the experience of other groups this year, they think it might even be fall before they can travel.
“It’s the waiting that’s hard,” said Fraser, who works for a software development company.
Leilia is especially excited about having a new sister. She plans to share her toys and bedroom with baby Catherine. She has even volunteered to get up with the baby through the night to feed her.

“She’s going to like me best because I’m from China too,” whispers Leilia. “And I’m going to hug and squeeze her because she’ll be so cute.”

Van Houten said they knew soon after adopting Leilia that adopting a second time was something they wanted to do. “We thought it would be nice to have someone else that looks like her in our family,” said Van Houten. “It will be great for her to have someone she can relate to later in life.”
“She certainly has enough brothers,” jokes Fraser.

So shortly after their youngest son, Angus, was born two years ago, the couple started the steps to adopt once again. “Now that we’re in this whole process again, I wish we had started a bit sooner. Angus is two now, and it’s so fabulous having Christopher and Leilia so close in age,” said Van Houten.

She says the entire experience of travelling to China was amazing. They left Christopher, who was one at the time, at home, and travelled to China with a group of other expecting couples, most of whom would be first-time parents.
Both Van Houten and her husband agreed that having a baby and adopting held exactly the same emotions.

“You hear stories that it’s not the same as having your own — but it’s identical,” Fraser said. “Even the reception area where you get the child feels the same as as the delivery room. “Of course I wasn’t the one in pain in the delivery room,” he joked. Van Houten said the biggest difference between the two experiences was that this time they were sharing it with a room full of people.
“Everybody was crying because we were all meeting our babies for the first time.”
She says the orphanage where Leilia lived was great. The children were in no way neglected, and showed no signs of institutional behaviour. “We didn’t feel bad she had spent the first nine months of her life there.” Unfortunately, the orphanage couldn’t tell them anything about Leilia’s background. The only thing they know is that she was found outside the orphanage and that her umbilical cord was still raw, so she was still very new.

This time around, Fraser will be travelling with his mother to China to pick up the baby. “It’ll be the trip of a lifetime for her,” Fraser said.
Van Houten said it just made sense for her husband to go without her, as they have three children at home and she will be off with the baby for a year. “It’s good that he’ll have this time to bond with her.”

For many families, the decision to adopt follows problems with fertility. But Van Houten and Fraser are only one of many couples choosing to raise a multi-cultural family. Line Goguen-Hughes and her husband, Sean Hughes, decided even before they were married that they wanted to adopt.

Five years ago they had their first daughter, Madeleine, in the traditional, biological fashion. When it came time to have a second child, they looked into their options. “We were curious about all different types of adoptions. We looked at local adoptions as well as international. We asked a lot of questions and after looking at our own situation and family, we decided adoption from China would suit us best.”

People are often concerned about the costs involved with an international adoption, but for them, it was just something they wanted to do. “There’s no value on a human life, or a family member. If your child was sick, would you not pay whatever you had to make your child well? Of course you would,” she said. “It’s insulting for people to think you’re buying children, because it’s simply not true.”

The entire process cost the couple about $20,000, with the trip to China alone making up about half of that cost. They also had to pay for a home study to be completed here in Canada, an orphanage donation fee in China, as well as typical paperwork and legal fees.

Goguen-Hughes said the orphanage where they got Ellie was very nice, and they took her back to visit once more before leaving China. They wanted to find out as much as they could, so when she was older they could tell her what her life had been like before them.

“The day we brought Ellie in to visit, her nanny ran down the hall yelling her name. Ellie put her little arms out and grabbed her neck. She loved those kids,” she said.

“I think China is misunderstood in a lot of ways. People think they don’t love their daughters, but that’s not true. You could tell those kids were loved.” They took their then nine-month-old daughter, Elliott Dawn YunMeng, home to Canada in September 2005. Their daughter Maddie, then 31?2, was very excited about having a new sister. “She was happy, but reacted the same as she would had there been a pregnancy,” Goguen-Hughes said. “It was an adjustment for her, plus the added stress that came with Ellie being mobile in no time.” Goguen-Hughes said she can say with the utmost certainty that there is no difference whatsoever between adopting and having a pregnancy birth.

“She’s my daughter. I have two daughters. You don’t know how fantastic it is until you’ve done it,” she said. “This is a great way to have a family.” Goguen-Hughes, an editor, is teaching both her girls to speak French. Madeleine will be starting at a French school this fall, and Ellie will follow when she’s school-aged. She said she has strangers approach her all the time and ask about the baby. “People will come right out and ask personal questions, like in the grocery store, or wherever. I don’t mind. I like to talk about it.”
When they travelled to China, Goguen-Hughes and her husband went over with eight other couples, many of whom they are still in contact with. They see everyone at events like the Chinese New Year or the annual Dragon Boat Festival. “There’s a great support group here in Nova Scotia for families with children from China,” Goguen-Hughes said.

Related Tags: adoption, adopted and biological children, adopt, adopting, international adoption, adopting from china

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