Adoption Support at Forever Parents

Transracial Adoption

Several of our adoption forum members have adopted transracially. When asked to share what advice they would give to those considering adopting transracially, they shared their thoughts and advice.

** That if they had to ‘talk themselves into this’….then they shouldn’t be doing it.

** If they are caucasian themselves, once they adopt a baby of color, their family will forever be categorized as a family that ‘transracially’…..and it will change how much of society will view and identify their family forever.

** It is important to expose their child to a ‘cultural view’…..but to leave it up to the child as to ‘how much is enough’. (For our first two, they thought we were ‘nuts’ to push this as we did.)…..Also, that ‘culture’ isn’t identified by what is currently the ‘view’ on the media……..but that the bond and traditions of the family sometimes supercede what’s considered ‘culture’.

** If you have other children in your home they immediately become a transracial family too and they need help understanding that not all families are like theirs, they may be teased at school and other places. You need to set up support for them. I would tell them that in many instances AA birthmoms are not seeking nor are comfortable with fully open adoption arrangements, and not to push it. It does not mean that they necessarily love their children any less, only that they may define adoption as the entrusting of parents to care and love for their child solely.

** I would tell them that if they have ever made racial comments before, they can not feel bad about it after their trans-racial adoption dream comes true, any comments you might have made when you were young does not make you a hypocrite, it just means you have grown up. My only other advice is to not get angry at the people in your life that do make stupid comments, just understand it’s pure ignorance.

** I would offer that raising a child of a different ethnic origin does draw attention. Not all bad - but definately attention. Be prepared

** We have adopted seven times….of these, three were older child adoptions—of those, one has been disrupted, one is in residential, and the other is living with relatives. Of the others: they have all been infants. The first two were international, being born in Korea and Japan. The other two were born in the states……and both are Black American and adopted as babies too. Now I’ll go out on a limb here..While I think it’s important for you to consider how this child will grow up..it is more important (IMO)…for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child. Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area…predominately white……10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse.)……but, I can tell you that—for most of their years—we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully…..and they are Asian. Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers. Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome…but the bottom line in everything I have read is ‘how will you deal with forever being a family of color? Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And….given that this baby might be AA……will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?
One of the saddest things I have seen…is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption…..and continually try to make the child/baby seem ‘lighter’…..try to ‘play down’ the darker complexion’……..or read about the parents talking about ‘how this baby just doesn’t seem to be like ours.’ These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it’s true. But, if there is even a twinge of ‘gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC’……then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color. But, it’s the ‘gut-level’ feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all……regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it’s that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.

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