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Unlike in the past, parents have a wide variety of children’s adoption books to choose from. When my parents adopted my brother in the early ’70’s these types of resources were unfortunately not available.
Children love to be read to and you can use these books as a tool to explain adoption to a very young child or as a comfort to an older child who may have questions. They were all written to help your child feel good about being adopted and you can use them to start discussions about any questions they may have.
My children’s personal favorite was the one written by Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers), Let’s Talk About Adoption.
This is part one of our adoption story. To read the rest, click “Our Adoption Story” in the tags.
Pre-Adoption: Our Life Before
My husband Billy & I always knew we wanted to adopt. We had talked about it, several times, early on in our relationship. Personally, I never had the feeling that I wanted to be pregnant. I’m not quite sure why, it’s just something I’ve always known. As a matter of fact, the idea of becoming a mother didn’t occur to me until I was well in my 30’s.
Billy & I got married in 1994, having had been together 6 years before that. Our life was pretty wild when we met and continued through out our early marriage. We were very active in the hard rock/heavy metal scene in New York City and we partied a lot….A LOT.
In 2001, our lives were forever changed and it was the start of a new chapter for us. By that time, we had sewn more than our fair share of wild oats and life was calming down. We had decided early in 2001 to move to Florida the following year. Buying a house in New York City was just to difficult (unless you’re making mega bucks) and we didn’t want to have to struggle each month.
My mother had recently remarried and they bought a winter place in Central Florida and we went there a few times to see how it was. We liked it so much that we decided to buy a house there and my mother and step-father also decided to make a permanent move there. One of my longest friend, Adrienne, also lived in Florida (she moved when we were 16) and she lived about 30 minutes away with her husband & 3 kids so this was really something we were all excited about!
In August of 2001, Adrienne’s husband George (everybody called him Squeak) died of a massive heat attack at the age of 42. We immediately flew to Florida to be with Adrienne and her kids. I can’t even find the words to tell you how much we loved Squeak. Although we lived in different states, the four of us had become very close over the years and had visited each other many times. Just the previous year, Billy & I helped Adrienne locate her birth family and they had their reunion at my home. Billy took a short leave from work and we stayed in Florida for a while to help out and be close.
A short while after we flew home, the events of September 11 shook our world like nothing else. We lost two friends that day and more aquaintances that we knew we even had. My cousin is a firefighter with the FDNY and we attended some of the memorial services and funerals for some of the firefighters in our neighborhood. Our thoughts and what we dealt with regarding September 11 and the aftermath, is a whole other story that I’ll tell at another time.
We were hurting because we lost Squeak and trying to comprehend what was going on around us in our devistated city when life had another twist for us. Two weeks later, my mother’s husband, Tony had a heart attack and died, on their two year wedding anniversary.
This was a man who had become a father to Billy & I. The four of us lived in the same house (us in the upstairs apartment and them downstairs) and we were very close. To lose so many people and live through so much tragedy changed us in ways that would become a blessing later on and is a deep part of who we are today, which is why it’s important to our adoption story.
Our plans to move to Florida were up in the air now, we had lost Tony, who was going to move with us and we had lost Squeak who was supposed to be there in Florida when we moved. Plus, our city was in mourning and we didn’t feel right leaving so soon. After many soul baring discussions, we decided to make the move but didn’t leave until early 2002.
Starting the Process:
Moving to Florida, after being born and raised in Brooklyn was a culture shock! It’s actually been a very positive thing for us, we really like it here. And all we ever meet is fellow New York transplants anyway.
As soon as we closed on our house, we started the adoption process. We had talked about adoption all through our relationship. We really weren’t in a rush to be parents. We just kept talking and discussing and investigating all the different ways to adopt so they when we were ready, we would already know what we wanted to do. In the course of all our discussions, there were two issues that we felt strongly about.
One, we knew that we wanted to adopt domestically. We saw no need to look outside our own country when there are children waiting to be adopted here. Second, we didn’t want an open adoption. We didn’t want to have the committment of having a birthmother in our lives after the adoption was final. Sending pictures and possible visits was something we weren’t comfortable with so we didn’t pursue that route. We decided to adopt a child (already legally freed for adoption) through the foster care system.
The first part of our homestudy was to take a 10 week MAPP course. MAPP means Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting. The course, which we started in the summer of 2002, was designed to expose you to the realities that these kids face in their biological home and in foster care. It touched on a lot of different topics such as attachment disorder, sexual and physical abuse and we spent some time talking about our own childhoods. There were a lot of exercises that were designed to help us put ourselves in the childrens shoes.
I found it to be very informative and Billy & I participated in a lot of the discussions. The two women who ran it did a fantastic job. One of the women, Pat, was an adoptions case worker and the other (her name slipped my mind) was an adoptive parent. We were one of 6 couples and Billy & I both got the impression right away that the majority of the couples were looking to impress the agency and give all the “right” answers.
One time we were on the topic of different ways that these kids act out and one of them was inappropriate masturbation. When Pat said those words, you could hear a pin drop. I think one of the women actually gasped. LOL!! I was the only one who stayed calm and said that I would simply tell them to do it in private. All the parents joked that they were going to send me their kids when they hit puberty.
Towards the end of the class, we were assigned to a caseworker and we were thrilled that Pat took us on. We had started to build a connection with her during our MAPP class and we felt that she knew us very well.
She came to our home about a week later and we spent some time together. She said she was impressed with our openness and honesty during the class. She also said that she thought that because we were personally involved with September 11 and that we had lost so many close people in our lives, it would help us understand the loss these type of kids felt and that we would be able to understand the grieving process (which we spent time talking about in MAPP class). She also said that our “colorful” past would help us not be shocked at anything these kids did.
In the end, Pat would prove to be our loudest supporter and cheerleader but more about that later.
At this time we started talking to Pat more about what kind of child would be a good match for us. We mentioned that we wanted to adopt more than once, maybe over a few years. She asked us if we had considered a sibling group. We hadn’t, but the idea interested us. We started looking at the Florida’s photo listing of available children while our homestudy was being completed.
When I came across that first picture of my children (before they were mine, of course), it made me take a second look because it was the only multiracial sibling group I had seen. The picture showed “J” at age 3, “S”at 6 and “C” at 9. They were absolutely adorable and I asked Pat about them.
She told me that she had inquired about them and they were in placement with another family. Placement is the next step after you’ve been visiting with a child for a while. They move in with you for a period of 90 days. Once the 90 days are finished, you can petition the court to finalize the adoption. She also said that the picture was old and they were now 4, 7 & 10. I was a little disappointed that they were placed, but of course, I was happy for them.
We started looking at files and even went to two of the adoption picnics that DCF held. I have to hand it to the case workers at the agency we dealt with. They’re very dedicated to these children and they try hard to get their faces and profiles in front of as many potential parents as possible. I know some people don’t care for the adoption picnics but the goal is to get foster children adopted. I met a few case workers who didn’t really like the idea but they knew that their priority was to find families that wanted to adopt older children.
For me, the only down side to adopting in Florida is that gay people aren’t allowed to adopt. Florida is one of the few states that discriminate against gay people in this way. Such a shame that that law exists in this state. I hope we can work to change it. But that’s another rant, another post.
**note: I’m not quite sure where I originally found this article or who the author is. I’ve had it saved for a while**
Parents who adopt transracially cannot ignore that they become a minority family, subject to criticism, odd remarks, and prejudice from people of all races. I remember taking Julie, then 3 1/2 months old, to her first Christmas party. She was immediately surrounded by preschool girls, wanting to look at her and touch her. Then one asked, “Why does she look like that?” referring to the fact that Julie is black and I’m white. Startled, I launched into an explanation about Julie’s birth mother. The 4-year-old looked confused until a friend came to my rescue. “Because she was born that way,” my friend said, adding in an aside to me, “That’s all you have to say.”Thus, I learned my first lesson in handling insensitive remarks about our unusual family. Besides my daughter, now 1 1/2, my husband and I also have a 4-year-old son, James, who is part Hispanic. When carpet cleaners came to my home, the first took a look at my two kids, and said, “Oh, you do day care.” No, I replied, “These are my kids.” The second surveyed the scene and said, “Foster mother?” Getting warmer. Perhaps the rudest comment came from a realtor selling a neighbor’s home. “Where did she come from?” he asked. What was I supposed to say? Mars? Parents who adopt transracially cannot ignore that, by doing so, they become a minority family, subject to criticism, odd remarks and prejudice from people of all races.
But there also are advantages. Psychological studies have found that transracially adopted children appear to handle the identity issues all adopted children face better than most because, researchers theorize, they cannot pretend to be like everyone else. They deal with adoption issues before the turbulent teenage years. And children raised in such environments often are able to bridge the culture gap, researchers found. Ben Jones, 20, a junior in political science at Cal State Fullerton, says growing up with white parents, a white sister, a black sister, and two black brothers has helped him get along with both races. “I fit into black and white society.” said Ben, an African American. “I think being raised that way helped. I have really good friends, both black and white.” Sometimes, the benefits spill over to white brothers and sisters. Sue, Ben’s sister, says she relates easily to people from other cultures. Sue, who married someone from a different race, says her white friends on the Cal State Fullerton campus, where she is getting a master’s in clinical psychology, are astonished at how many black people she knows. “I’m always surprised when [a white friend] says she can’t talk to somebody.”
When asked if being part of a multiracial family had any effect on him, David, 13, white, politely said he thought the question was not well thought out. Race, he said, just didn’t matter. You must respect people for who they are.”Of course,” he continued, in the same tone and with a straight face, “I did have an older brother who was purple. But he died.” David made his point.To get such positive results, parents who adopt transracially have to work a little harder. They need to be “indoor gardeners,” according to one transracial adoptee who spoke at a conference of the National Council on Adoptable Children. “When I think of black children, I think of beautiful flowers growing in a garden,” he said. “When white people think of black children, they don’t always remember the garden they came from. They only see the flower already picked and ready to go in a vase somewhere in their house to enjoy and to look pretty.” He said picked flowers are disappointing because they wilt and dry up. “I guess what I’m saying is I’d rather be a gardener in natural surroundings than a florist in an artificial setting,” he said. “The way I see white parents with black kids is they’re doing the best they can. They’re sort of indoor gardeners. I won’t work with florists, but I’ll work with indoor gardeners.” The first place one needs to begin working is with oneself.
Joan of Los Altos says her greatest surprise after she adopted two black children was facing her own racism. “I was raised as a white liberal and was not prejudiced in obvious ways,” Joan said. “I never realized [my racism]. It was rather shocking and embarrassing.”
A college graduate, who asked not to be named, had a similar experience. A Hispanic who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, he remembered feeling out of place as a child and being referred to negatively as an Indian. When he adopted his daughter, who was black, she looked to him even darker, like an Indian. He felt embarrassed and frightened. “When I was a child, I felt trapped by how I looked,” he said. “There was nothing I could do about it. Looking at my daughter, I felt fear for myself and fear for her. But it disappeared when I could express my anger.”
Besides dealing with their own racism, parents also need to help their children identify with their race. Research studies have shown that transracially adopted children sometimes identify with their parents’ race rather than their own. “Culture is passed on by families,” the conference speaker said. “That’s one of the functions of families. Black children need black adults–in order to learn black culture.” Patty King, adopted by white parents, grew up in Gilroy in a multiracial family. She was the only black child in her elementary school. King, a very light skinned black and an extrovert, had little trouble fitting in. In fact, for her, race was such a non-issue that when a child made fun of her for not looking like her mother, the petite King got mad at her mother for being “too tall.” But after she left the security of her home and community, she found she had trouble being accepted by both races. Her white husband would not take her home to the South to meet his family. Black people accused her of being an Oreo–black on the outside and white within.
Organizations such as Interracial Pride, a Northern California support group for interracial families, have sprung up to help transracially adopted children such as King and children born of mixed marriages. Besides belonging to such organizations, white parents need to live in mixed neighborhoods, send their children to mixed schools, and cultivate friends of the same race as their children. And parents who adopt more than one child would be wise to choose children from the same racial background, those in the adoption field say. Cultural identity can become less of an issue, and the children can support each other. Norma–with four black teenagers, including three top athletes–became the hub of what was happening at her children’s high school. All three of her sons were homecoming kings, she said. “Teenagers force their lives on the people around them,” she said. “You’re bathed in black popular culture.”
Although psychological studies generally have been positive about transracial adoptions, some professionals in the adoption field still oppose them. The National Association of Black Social Workers says only African-American parents can teach their children how to handle racism. A California law, which took effect in January 1990, requires agencies to spend 90 days trying to match children ethnically before allowing transcultural placement. Michael Allen says the new law means “children will be struck in foster care longer. It just forces kids to wait another 90 days.” The issue, of course, is whether it is better for children to wait for the perfect family, sometimes languishing in foster care for many months or years, or be placed transracially. The black social workers group says the solution is to find more black adoptive homes. About 85 percent of black families who apply through government agencies are turned down, according to Zena Oglesby, head of the Institute for Black Parenting in Los Angeles. About 40 to 50 percent of all foster children are black. Although Oglesby strongly opposes transracial adoptions, he says he believes black children already in white families need to be supported. They need to understand that “the black community really did want me,” he said. “We have always wanted you. We just can’t get you.”
Sydney Duncan, who runs Home’s for Black Children in Detroit, said in a recent speech that transracially adopted children have been caught in the middle of the struggle. “Anytime adults argue about children, it has to threaten the security of children,” she said. “And if someone is arguing about the rightness of your home, that is the ultimate threat.” She too says the African-American community and black social workers need to support existing transracial families. “For those of you who are white and whose children carry our color and the warmth of the sun in their genes, I believe we as black people can be of help to your children,” she said. “I believe we as a people can be of help as you seek to give your children of color answers to the question of Who?–that underlying question of every adopted child.” Sometimes, even silent support feels good.
One of my husband Dick’s fondest memories is when he got into an airport limousine in New York carrying two-day old Julie in his arms. The driver, a young African American, leaned over to take a peek at the baby. He looked at her, then looked at my husband, and a smile broke out across his face. He said nothing. He didn’t have to.
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When my three children were in foster care (’99-’03), there were two other foster children living in the home with them. One of them was a boy a year older than my youngest. We remain friendly with their former foster parents and still see them a couple of times a year. About six months after we finalized their adoption, Pat (their former foster mother) called me to say that the other boy was starting placement with a couple that lived near us. She gave me their phone number and we all started getting together. It was great for the kids because most foster children lose contact with their foster brothers and sisters after one of them gets adopted. As a matter of fact, we now all get together for an annual Christmas get together, with their former foster parents.
So this couple found out that their son has a sibling still in foster care and decided to adopt him also. They just finalized and had their adoption celebration tonight! I didn’t go because I wasn’t feeling well but my husband and our three kids went and had a great time! The former foster parents were there also. My husband called me a little while ago to say that the judge that finalized our adoption was the same judge that finalized adoption of their new son and that she was there at the party! I asked him to get a picture of her with the kids but he didn’t bring a camera so he borrowed one from one of the guests and they said they would email us the photo. If they do, I’ll post it.
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AMERICANS CALLED ON TO ‘CHANGE A LIFETIME’ FOR OVER HALF A MILLION U.S. YOUTH IN FOSTER CARE
May is National Foster Care Month; Partnership Marks ‘20 Years of Caring’
Over 513,000 American children are in foster care because their own families are in crisis and unable to provide for their essential wellbeing. Like all young people, youth in foster care deserve and benefit from enduring, positive relationships with caring adults. Now is the time to get involved.
This May, National Foster Care Month will serve as a platform for connecting more of these vulnerable children with concerned, nurturing adults. Join America’s leading child welfare agencies, advocates, experts, and more than 12 million foster care alumni as they come together to address the needs of young people in foster care. Their message is simple: No matter how much time you have to give, you have the power to do something positive that will “Change a Lifetime” for a young person in foster care.
Many of these formerly abused or neglected children and teens will either safely reunite with their parents, be cared for by relatives, or be adopted by loving families. But others are less fortunate. Every year, more than 20,000 older youth “age out” of foster care and are left alone to face life’s challenges. No matter their age, all young people in foster care need a meaningful connection to a caring adult who becomes a supportive and lasting presence in their lives. Research shows that foster care alumni are far more likely than their peers in the general population to endure homelessness, poverty, compromised health, unemployment, incarceration and other adversities after they leave the foster care system.
Across the nation, caring individuals are helping foster children build brighter futures by serving as their foster parents, relative caregivers, mentors, advocates, social workers and volunteers. But much more help is needed.
If nothing changes by the year 2020:
Nearly 14 million children will be confirmed as victims of child abuse and neglect;
22,500 children will die of abuse or neglect, most before their fifth birthday;
9,000,000 more children will experience the foster care system;
More than 300,000 children will age out of the foster care system, most with inadequate support to build successful adult lives; and,
99,000 former foster youth, who aged out of the system, can expect to experience homelessness.
“In 2008, we celebrate an important milestone. Twenty years ago, then Senator Strom Thurmond introduced a resolution proclaiming May as National Foster Care Month. This helped draw more attention to the urgent needs of so many young people in out-of-home care,” says Candice Douglass of Casey Family Programs and the campaign’s chair. “Today, we call on all Americans to do something positive that will change a lifetime for a youth in foster care in their own community.”
The National Foster Care Month campaign is presented by 17 of the nation’s foremost child welfare organizations and is led by Casey Family Programs. For more information about National Foster Care Month, planned community events, and the many ways in which you can make a lasting difference for America’s children and youth in foster care, visit www.fostercaremonth.org or call 888-799-KIDS (5437).
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I discuss my human children here a lot so meet one of my non-human ones…this is our 11 year old iguana…her name is Buddie. These pictures were taken inside our screen room, which is her favorite place to take in the warmth of the sun. This post is part of today’s Wordless Wednesday.
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This week I am participating in Heads or Tails and the writing prompt is to blog about a special memory.
One of my most special memories is from the the day we finalized the adoption of our three children. We were all feeling so many emotions! We had an 8:45 AM appointment at court and we met their caseworker, guardian ad litem and our lawyer there. When it was our turn, we were told to sit at the table on the left, with our lawyer.
The kids and their guardian ad litem were told to sit at the table on the right. Their case worker sat behind them, in the first row of seats.
The first few minutes were spent going over names, dates, addresses, proof of termination of parental rights, etc. The judge asked us why we wanted to adopt, and specifically why we wanted to adopt these children. She also spoke to the three of the kids, asking them if they wanted to be adopted. My middle child (wearing the red shirt in the picture) wanted to legally change the spelling of her name and the judge took care of that when she legally changed their middle and last names.
Then the judge handed down her decision and made us a real family. When we were all finished, we gave flowers to their caseworker and guardian ad litem and took them out for lunch. Afterwards when they both went back to work, the five of us stopped by the place we had first met, eight months earlier, a peaceful little park off the Gulf of Mexico. We hung out for a while, talked and watched the men fishing. It was a beautiful, sunny day and we reminisced about how far we’ve come from that first day. While we were there, we took a picture in the exact same positions and in the exact same spot as the picture we took on that first day. Later on that evening, we went out to eat and took my mother, my aunt and cousin with us. It was very low key and relaxed after an exciting and hectic day.
That day will always be one of my most treasured memories.
We’re coming up on five years this October.
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Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
-Rita Laws PhD
Unlike in the past, parents have a wide variety of children’s adoption books to choose from. When my parents adopted my brother in the early ’70’s these types of resources were unfortunately not available.
